Saint Paul’s Newly Discovered Letter to Thessalonians Urges Brethren to Keep Christ Out of Christmas

saint-paul2THESSALONIA, Ohio – Theologians are calling Saint Paul’s third letter to the Thessalonians, lost in the mail for 2,000 years because of insufficient postage, but finally delivered and opened last night, a “bombshell” because it urges that Christ be kept out of Christmas.

The letter, written in Saint Paul’s hand, was finally delivered Saturday to Thessalonia, Ohio, by the U.S. Postal Service.  After examining it, Thessalonia’s mayor, Hubert P. Goodsimple, concluded that it was meant for “the other Thessalonia.”  

Nevertheless, the Mayor said that the Ohio town, population 2,155,  intends to keep the letter and display it in the local public library, next to a 1962 letter sent to the local Rotary Club by Moe Howard of the Three Stooges. Mr. Howard’s letter was written to cancel a public appearance by the Stooges due to an illness by frizzy-haired Stooge Larry Fine.

Here is the letter, in its entirety:

Brothers and sisters:  Let your thoughts and actions be directed always to Christ, except as they relate to the season of Christmas.

We have received reports that some of you have attempted to bring Christ into Christmas, and we exhort you to abandon these practices. 

In the singular instance of Christmas, let the secular triumph over the spiritual, keeping the Lord separate and apart from the celebration in every way. 

At all other times, be unceasing in your devotion to the Lord.  But Christmas should be celebrated with commercialism, songs, pageants, trees, overeating, overspending, mythical figures, and unnecessary family squabbling that are all divorced from the Lord.

Do not wish your brethren a “Merry Christmas”; wish them “Happy Holidays” instead, so that there is no possibility of confusing Christ with this holiday.

We urge you to celebrate the holiday in this fashion as a gesture of reconciliation with the Jews, so that they may feel free to profit commercially from the holiday.

May the grace of the Lord be with each of you.

Dec 22