From the Carbolic Archives, July 3, 1776: “Rejoice, For We Shall Always Be Englishmen!”

Editorial by the Hon. Josiah Peckham, Editor:

Last month, Richard Henry Lee, a delegate to the Second Continental Congress from Virginia, proposed a resolution that, if passed, would dissolve the colonies’ ties with their motherland.

Readers of this publication know my feelings about this resolution and its sponsor so I will not repeat them here. The resolution is a cesspool, an open sewer, a pit of putrefaction, a treasonous, slimy gathering of all that is rotten in the debris of human depravity. And in the center of all this waste and stench, besmearing himself with its foulest defilement, splashes, leaps, cavorts and wallows a bifurcated specimen, a traitor that responds to the name of Richard Henry Lee.

Fortunately, I have just come from Philadelphia where I’ve conferred with the members of the Second Continental Congress and have learned beyond all doubt that this Lee Resolution is as dead as a doornail, and you heard it here first. My dear friend John Adams gave me a scoop to publish in this newspaper by assuring me that although a committee has been formed supposedly to draft a declaration of independence, it is a sham, concocted to satisfy the advocates of independence without any intention of acting on it.  Mr. Adams said I should publish this useful information and receive all appropriate accolades for it.  I thanked Mr. Adams for this, and for putting behind us that little incident from last November involving me and Abigail when I found myself in Boston (not to repeat ourself, but it was cold, and I had nowhere else to sleep . . . ). I am glad Mr. Adams is not vindictive.

No, dear readers, one-hundred, nay, two-hundred years from now and beyond, the misguided devotees of independence will have been long forgotten, and we shall rejoice, as we now rejoice, that we are Englishmen!

Jul 3

Politician Wants Statue of Liberty’s Vagina Re-Opened for First Time Since 9/11

NEW YORK, N.Y. – It’s time to reopen the Statue of Liberty’s vagina to the public, says Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-Poughkeepsie).

In the aftermath of the September 11 attacks, the National Park Service installed a heavy-gauge steel chastity device to keep the anatomically correct Lady Liberty from being violated by terrorist projectiles.

“We were scared witless that the grand old Lady might be captured by Islamic Fascists who would have their way with her,” explained National Park Service Director Noah Swayne. “One can only imagine the diseases those Mideastern fanatics would have transmitted with their big, ugly, uncut missiles.”

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Jul 3

Proctor & Gamble Test Results: These Colors Really Do Run

CINCINNATI, OH – Consumer product behemoth Proctor & Gamble today announced that, after a series of grueling tests, Old Glory’s colors really do run when washed.

“Patriotic slogans aside, we tried Cheer®, we tried Downey®, and guess what?  The flag looked like the gay rainbow when it came out of the washer,” said P&G Chairman George Fenneman.  ”Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I think this patriotism is bunkum.”

In a private interview, Fenneman also told a reporter that the urban legend regarding Proctor & Gamble’s corporate logo is true. “Yes, it is a satanic symbol,” Fenneman whispered. He eyes nervously darted around the room. “There are sinister forces at work in this company, but the last person to say that out loud ended up as a roll of Charmin® . . .” Fenneman heard someone walking down the hall and quickly terminated the interview.

Jul 3

Billy Mays Gets Exemption For Neverland Burial

NeverlandSANTA BARBARA – A plan to bury Michael Jackson at his sprawling Neverland ranch fizzled yesterday when the billionaire who owns the property in a joint venture with Jackson was denied an exemption by the city of Santa Barbara to bury the pop star there.

In related news, Santa Barbara’s city council granted an exemption for late TV pitchman Billy Mays to be buried at Neverland.  Mr. Mays’ estate made the request earlier this week despite the fact that there is no known connection between Mr. Mays and Jackson. 

“I voted for the extension because Billy was handsome in a masculine way that Michael couldn’t hope to achieve, that’s all,” said a Santa Barbara city councilman who asked not to be identified “for fear my friends, relatives and colleagues will call me ‘faggot.’”

Santa Barbara had plenty of precedent for its exemption for Mays.  In January 2007, Saddam Hussein’s body was transported from Iraq to Memphis, Tennessee for burial next to his idol, Elvis Presley, at Graceland.

Jul 2

Michael Jackson’s Will Names Elizabeth Taylor and Mickey Rooney Guardians

nfr_3HOLLYWOOD – Michael Jackson’s 7-year-old will names as guardians of his children Jackson’s close friend, actress Elizabeth Taylor, 77, and one of Taylor’s favorite co-star from Hollywood’s golden age, Mickey Rooney, 88.

The guardianship will mark the first time that Taylor and Rooney have worked together since their smash hit “National Velvet” in 1944.

Mr. Rooney is concerned that he and Taylor will not have the financial wherewithal to raise the Jackson children in the style to which they are accustomed, so he suggested that they get some of their friends together — “kids from the neighborhood” — and put on a show in a local barn.

Jul 2

Michael Jackson Shocker: Joe Jackson Left Out of Son’s Will, Heads Back to Cornfield

joe-jackson

Jul 1

Michael Jackson Warned His Son That Whoever Approaches Him To Set Up a Meeting Will Be The Traitor

“Prince, Barzini wants to arrange a meeting.  He says we can straighten out any of our problems.  I can arrange security on my territory.”abevig

Jul 1

Iraqis Celebrate National Sovereignty Day By Skipping the Fireworks and Opting for Car Bombs Instead

car_bomb_explosion_lebanonBAGHDAD – Iraq chose to celebrate National Sovereignty Day, marking the withdrawal of U.S. combat troops from Iraqi cities, by skipping the fireworks and launching a car bomb that killed 24 people and wounded dozens instead. 

“We find that car bombs make for much more impressive explosions than fireworks,” said Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki.  “The ‘boom’ is more resounding, the flash more intense.  For most Iraqis, we don’t feel we’re alive unless we experience flying debris and body parts every once in a while.”

Jul 1

Scalia, Alito Fined for Excessive Celebrating Following Reversal of Sotomayor Decision

supremecourtsLater, Justices fete Justice Souter in retirement luncheon at Olive Garden

WASHINGTON - Supreme Court Justices Antonin Scalia and Samuel Alito were fined $250 for engaging in excessive celebrating following the announcement of the high court’s decision in Ricci v. DeStafano, which reversed Supreme Court nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor’s decision and held that white firefighters in New Haven, Connecticut were unfairly denied promotions because of their race.

Immediately after the decision was announced in the Supreme Court Monday afternoon, Scalia and Alito leaped from their chairs and climbed over the bench.  Scalia launched into an impromptu Chicken Dance, then pretended to pull down his pants and moon Justice Ginsburg, author of the dissenting opinion.  Alito spiked his copy of the decision into the carpet, then performed an impressive double back-flip.

Chief Justice Roberts shook his head with bemusement and said with a chuckle, “these celebrations are getting out of hand.”

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Jun 30

Oldest Known Portrait of St. Paul Found on Catacomb Walls Resembles Late TV Pitchman Billy Mays

billy-ne-1ROME – Vatican archaeologists have discovered the oldest image in existence of St Paul the Apostle, dating from the late 4th century, on the walls of a catacomb beneath Rome.  

Vatican newspaper Osservatore Romano, revealing the find on Monday, published a picture of a frescoed image of the face of a man who bears what one Cardinal called “an uncanny resemblance” to late TV pitchman Billy Mays.

Pope Benedict described the image to reporters as that of an ordinary Joe.  ”He looks like that good looking guy at the end of the cul de sac who you just want to hang with and have a couple of beers, even though you know he’s going to talk a lot of nonsense and sell you something you don’t need.”

Jun 30

Shocker: After Finding Michael Jackson Lifeless, His Masseuse Called Mary-Kate Olsen

photo-warren-commissionqqq1Family converges on Jackson home, Jackson’s son asks “Why are all these black people here?” 

Warren Commission reconvened to investigate cause of death.

HOLLYWOOD – The Warren Commission was reconvened for the first time since it investigated the death of President John F. Kennedy to learn what killed pop sensation Michael Jackson.  The committee’s chairman, retired Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren, 118, issued a statement noting that “no issue, perhaps in the entire history of our Republic, is as important to the American people as the death of the King of Pop.”

Among other questions the panel will investigate is why daytime Emmy Award nominated actress Mary-Kate Olsen was notified of Jackson’s death before anyone called 9-1-1.  In an eerie replay of  actor Heath Ledger’s death last year, Jackson’s masseuse called Ms. Olsen who, in turn, directed a private security guard to go to Jackson’s leased home.  Only then was 9-1-1 called. 

The masseuse told reporters that she called Ms. Olsen, who had no connection with Jackson, because she thought that was standard Hollywood protocol.  “A celebrity drops dead, you call Mary-Kate,” she said.

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Jun 29

Gruesome Discovery: Removal of Michael Jackson’s Nose Reveals Terrified Blond Boy Trapped Inside Him

mjgloveHOLLYWOOD - Emergency room physicians at UCLA Medical Center, working feverishly to resuscitate entertainment sensation Michael Jackson Thursday afternoon after he stopped breathing, accidentally snapped off The King of Pop’s nose and were shocked to find a terrified blond, Caucasian male, approximately 7 or 8 years old, living inside his body.

Jackson was pronounced dead at age 50 a short time later, and doctors immediately freed the boy, whose identity is not known. 

Doctors say they have no idea how the boy got inside Jackson, and a Jackson spokesman assured the late entertainer’s fans that the boy “must have crawled inside [Jackson's body] when the entertainer was asleep.”

Shocked fans from around the world mourned Jackson’s death.  At the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, visitors say that the fingers on Jackson’s trademark white glove partially closed and assumed a pose that one fan likened to a masturbatory grip.

Jun 26

Busy Executive: No Time To Rue The Day, Will Rue The Hour Instead

rue-the-day1PITTSBURGH – Noah Swayne, Senior Vice President for PNC Bank, and his next door neighbor Bradleys Roadhouse have reached a consensus following a heated dispute last week during which Roadhouse told Swayne he would “rue the day” that Swayne accidentally cut down Roadhouse’s apple tree.

After several emails exchanged back and forth, Swayne convinced Roadhouse that he doesn’t have time to rue an entire day, and finally Roadhouse agreed that Swayne will “rue the hour” instead.

“We compromised,” Roadhouse explained.  “I tried to get him to ‘rue the afternoon,’ but eventually settled for just an hour.  Fact is, I just wanted him to rue something.  An hour’s good.”

Jun 25

Local Woman Tapped To Single-Handedly Complete New Arena

forbes_field

PITTSBURGH – Patricia J. Rogers, Exhibits Coordinator at Pittsburgh’s Carnegie Science Center, has been selected to single-handedly finish construction of the Pittsburgh Penguins’ new arena, dubbed the Consol Energy Center. 

The construction crew working on the building since 2007 has been dismissed from the job.

Ms. Rogers got the assignment after members of the Sports & Exhibition Authority of Pittsburgh and Allegheny County saw the 1:64 scale model that she built of Forbes Field, former home of the Pittsburgh Pirates, for the Science Center’s Miniature Railroad and Village.

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Jun 25

Obama Elevates Feelings on Violence Against Iran Protestors to “Somewhat Perturbed”

obamalaughWASHINGTON – President Barack Obama said he elevated his feelings Tuesday about the violence that has killed at least 17 Iranian protesters to “somewhat, mildly perturbed.”  This marked a dramatic change in the President’s rhetoric because for the past week, his feelings stood at “ho hum.”

Obama, who has been accused by some Republicans of being too timid in his response to events in Iran, went so far as to say “the situation in Iran may not be what it could be.” 

The President refused to say what emotions he would experience if the violence continues, but White House spokesman Robert Gibbs hinted that “it is just possible — not saying he will, but possible — that if the violence escalates to a full-blown slaughter of, say, thousands of innocent people, the President might just lightly pound his fist once or twice to send a profoundly powerful message.”

Jun 24

Local Man: “Chief’s Likeness Burned My Hand!”

photo-four-roone-statuea1PITTSBURGH – Noah Swayne, 33, said that the iconic statue of beloved Pittsburgh Steelers founder Art Rooney, Sr. grabbed and burned his hand with his signature cigar this morning as Swayne was walking past the likeness of the man everyone in Pittsburgh called ”The Chief.” 

“I was telling my buddy, Samuel Blatchford, that the Steelers won’t repeat as Super Bowl champs,” Swayne explained, “and then all of a sudden, this powerful hand grabs me — it’s Mr. Rooney!  Then he took that giant cigar he holds and thrust the lit end into my hand.  I want to tell you, they could hear me screaming all the way to [popular local fast food restaurant] Primanti’s.”

Mr. Swayne immediately reported the assault to the statue of the police officer at the nearby Law Enforcement Memorial.

Jun 24

From the Carbolic Archives: Anniversary of John Bobbitt’s Severed Manhood

MANASSAS, VA (June 24, 1993) – Lorena Bobbitt, 24, severed the penis of her husband, John Bobbitt, 26, last night in their Manassas apartment after she said he forced her to have sex. Following the alleged rape, Mrs. Bobbitt left her sleeping husband in bed and went to the kitchen to retrieve an eight-inch carving knife. She returned to the bedroom, pulled the sheet away from Mr. Bobbitt and, with one slice, cut off almost half his penis. She then jumped into her car and raced away, still holding her husband’s organ. She hurled the appendage into a field as she sped by.

It is the policy of this news outlet not to publish the names of victims of sexual assault, so the nickname Mr. Bobbitt gave his penis will not be published.

Police embarked on a massive manhood-hunt for Mr. Bobbitt’s not-so-massive manhood and miraculously located the organ in the field where Mrs. Bobbitt had tossed it. Before transporting it to the hospital, they packed it in ice, causing embarrassing shrinkage.  The penis returned to normal size “and then some” when police assigned it to the care of big-busted Sergeant Annette Swayne en route to the hospital.

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Jun 23

Study concludes it isn’t what it is

photo-two-dr-swayneWASHINGTON – Scientists have debunked the cliché that “it is what it is” by proving that most of the the time it isn’t what it is.

“The research really shocked us,” said Dr. Noah Swayne, who headed the five year study at a cost to taxpayers of $8 million. 

“Most surprisingly, we also found that ‘it always was what it wasn’t.’”

Jun 23

North Korea Set to Fire Missile on Hawaiian Set of ABC Series “Lost”

launchHONOLULU  –  The US military in Hawaii has been placed on “high alert” and has ordered the island’s antimissile defenses beefed-up in response to intelligence reports that North Korea ”likely” will fire long-range ballistic missiles toward the set of the ABC hit series “Lost,” which films on the island of Oahu.

The North Korean government under Kim Jong-il reportedly is “gravely unhappy” about the confusing plot lines of the popular fantasy-adventure series and has sent several threatening notes to the show’s producers demanding more cohesive plots. 

Among other things, Jong-il demanded ”an end to all the time travel and quantum physics nonsense.”   Insiders say that since Jong-il’s demands have been ignored, he is intent on ”upping the ante” to achieve the desired changes.

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Jun 22

Ayatollah Khamenei Retains Katherine “Hanging Chad” Harris To Recount Votes

voteaaaTEHRAN - As thousands of demonstrators marched and chanted in the streets of Tehran, Iran’s all-powerful Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, announced that a “blue ribbon panel” has concluded there was no fraud in the June 12 presidential vote in which hardliner Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was declared the victor over opposition leader Mir Hossein Mousavi. 

Khamenei revealed that he retained Katherine Harris, the controversial former Florida Secretary of State who spearheaded the United States’ 2000 Presidential election “recount” that put George Bush in the White House over Al Gore, to head a panel that ”recounted” the votes of the June 12 election.  Khamenei said that Harris “happened to reach the result I wanted” and found Ahmadinejad was the winner.

President Obama issued a statement:  ”I am pleased that the will of the Iranian people has prevailed, and I am especially pleased that I won’t be forced to take a stand against the government of Iran, given that this administration believes it is more important to curry favor with foreign governments that despise the United States than our long-term allies or even the American people themselves.”

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Jun 22

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