Prince’s Attorney: “His Highness is Completely Innocent of Sexual Assault”

PrinceSnowWhite-1MILLEDGEVILLE, Ga. – Police continue to investigate allegations that the Prince sexually assaulted a 20-year-old member of a different royal family who works as a scullery maid for her step-mother, the Queen.  This news outlet does not name alleged victims of sexual assault.

The woman accused the Prince of non-consensual kissing while she dozed in a corner restroom abutting the VIP room of the downtown Capital City nightclub.  She was at the nightclub partying with seven dwarfs who own a local gold mine. 

Although immediately after the kiss, she awakened and rode off happily with the Prince, hours later, several friends, who major in Women’s Studies at a local college, urged her to report the crime to police.  Witnesses say she was “hysterical” at the police station.

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Mar 12

Runaway Prius Declared A “Copycat Incident”

PriusSAN DIEGO – The dramatic sudden acceleration of a 2008 Toyota Prius that sped up to more than 90 miles per hour on an interstate near San Diego has been determined to be a copycat incident, according to Toyota engineers.

“What happened is very simple: the runaway Prius was modeling its behavior on the sensational publicity given to other Toyota sudden acceleration cases,” said Toyota Chief Engineer Dr. Emil Tanaka. 

“Cars are not stupid, you know,” Dr. Tanaka explained. ”If a car is miswired or otherwise emotionally unstable — maybe it’s had a bad day on the highway — it may engage in risky behavior mimicking sensational stories in the news, just to get attention. If it weren’t for all this damn unfair publicity to Toyota, this car wouldn’t have acted up.”

Mar 11

New Corporate Dilemma: Once Women Break Through Glass Ceiling, It’s Just As Hard To Send Them Back Down Through Glass Floor

GlassFloor9s8p3b

Mar 11

March is National Women’s Sneeze Awareness Month

indoor_allergiesMarch is National Women’s Sneeze Awareness Month, intended to spread awareness about women’s sneezing.

“What we’re seeing is an epidemic of the sudden, violent, spasmodic audible expiration of breath through women’s noses and mouths,” said Professor Rosecea Swayne of the Women’s Sneeze Foundation.

The Foundation will be passing out green ribbons this weekend.  ”Green is meant to symbolize the color of women’s mucous,” explained Professor Swayne.

Mar 10

Roethlisberger’s Latest Accuser ‘Pissed’ That Jesse Jackson Hasn’t Offered Her A Scholarship

Ben-Roethlisberger-accuser-300x300“I thought, ‘Where’s my scholarship, like [Duke lacrosse false accuser] Crystal [Mangum] got?’  Then I remembered, ‘Oh, shit, I’m not black!’”

Mar 9

Schools Reopen In Chile: “Alright, Class, We’re Going To Use Up Our Remaining Air Supply By Opening Our Books To Page 71″

rubble

Mar 9

Our Teen Film Critic Blogs From The Oscars

teencUntitledabcCommentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Teen Film Critic, Noah Swayne, Jr.

Hey, dudes, I’m chillaxin here at the kewl Oscars Governors Ball, chowing down sushi, poached shrimp, lobster tails and mussels. Some old lady — she must be 32 – iced out with some serious bling bling, is all up in my grill, verbally bitch slapping me and everything because I’m balls deep texting this to you, instead of beatin’ dem cakes with her — fo’ shizzle!– which is really krunk and everything because, like, she’s got a nice chassy. But I’m getting this report out of the the way right now because as soon as I get back to my phat hotel room at the Renaissance, a couple hundred feet away, I’ll be knocking boots with the GF — likely three times (haha — I can do that three times because I’m the TEEN critic).  So as you can imagine, I won’t have time to do this later.

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Mar 8

Fidel Back In Charge of Cuba After His Failed NBC Prime Time Experiment

FidelHAVANA - Fidel Castro is once again the arbiter of all critical matters facing Cuba, experts say, after a failed experiment as host of a nightly prime time show on NBC.

The iconic revolutionary marked his return to power with a sepia-toned parody of The Wizard of Oz.  Fidel, in the “Dorothy” role, was shown awakening from a dream, surrounded by Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez, Castro’s brother Raul, bandleader Kevin Eubanks, and beloved comic actress Betty White.  After some amusing banter, Fidel looked directly into the camera and declared, “there’s no place like home.”

In his first day back in power, Castro handily beat David Letterman in the ratings.

Mar 5

Study: ‘Long Story Short’ Is Still Too Long

BobMadNEW YORK – Scientists have debunked the cliché “long story short” by proving that the story is still too long.

“The research really shocked us,” said Dr. Noah Swayne, who headed the five year study at a cost to taxpayers of $8 million.

“In light of our findings, we are suggesting that the cliché be altered to “long story long.’”

Mar 4

Planet Loses Fraction of Second Each Day Due To Earthquake, Men To Reduce Time Spent On Household Chores

BobCoonskinaWASHINGTON – NASA scientists concluded that the earthquake in Chile altered the earth’s rotation and shortened each day by one-millionth of a second. 

A Rollings Institute Poll showed that 77% of men said that because of the shortened day, they will need to cut back on the amount of time they spend doing household chores.

Mar 3

Study: Men Are No Good

menarenogoodWASHINGTON - A study commissioned by the National Organization for Women released yesterday concludes that men are no good.

Previous studies have found that men are no good in specific areas, including interpersonal relationships, child care, and household chores, but the report released yesterday, “An Examination of the Worth of Men,” is believed to be the first comprehensive study to conclude that men are no good generally.

Mar 2

Police Alarmed By Message From Capitol Records Tower

capitol-records-245x300Police say they are alarmed that the blinking light atop the iconic Capitol Records Tower in Hollywood stopped spelling out “HOLLYWOOD” in Morse code sometime over the weekend and started spelling out “HELP THEY’RE GOING TO KILL ME.”

Mar 2

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Mar 2

UN Earthquake Relief Organization Angers Haiti By Listing Chile As “Hot,” Haiti As “Not”

28quake_CA0-articleLargeSANTIAGO - Following Saturday’s 8.8 magnitude Chilean earthquake, the UN’s World Food Programme, charged with providing relief services in Haiti following last month’s 7.0 magnitude earthquake there, angered Haitians by posting a list of “What’s Hot, What’s Not” on its Web site. Under the “Hot” column, the WFP listed “Hoodies, Taylor Lautner, and Chile.”  Under the “Not” column, it listed “Tiger Woods, the Jonas Brothers, and Haiti.”  Late last night, the WFP further enraged Haitians by making what one observer called “a mad exodus” from that Caribbean country to redirect all its efforts in Chile

WFP Managing Director Noah Swayne was indignant over Haiti’s reaction: “Listen, I got a choice between a 7.0 quake and an 8.8 quake, and that’s a no-brainer, OK?  It’s like going from Podunk Community Theater to Broadway.  Haiti served us well, but Chile’s where the action is, brother. I got to go where we’ll get the most exposure, get it?”

Meanwhile the Obama administration is getting high marks for its handling of the tsunami triggered by the Chilean quake.  White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said: “Unlike Katrina, this past Saturday under President Obama’s watch, the levees in Hawaii worked, thus sparing the lives of all 1.3 million people who live in our 50th state,” said Gibbs.

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Mar 1

Obama Under Fire For Authorizing Civilian Trial For Killer Whale

Killer WhaleWhale went on killing rampage after being denied tenure

Feb 26

Transcript of Obama Health Care Summit

Obama Health Care Overhaul

OBAMA:  I hoped that we would come here and reason together. And as a reasonable man I’m willing to do whatever’s necessary to find a peaceful solution to these problems. After all, when did I ever refuse an accommodation? All of you know me here. When did I ever refuse — except one time?  And why?  Because I believe this drug business is going to destroy us in the years to come. But I have selfish reasons. My youngest son was forced to leave this country, because of this Sollozzo business. And I have to make arrangements to bring him back here safely, cleared of all these false charges. But I’m a superstitious man and if some unlucky accident should befall him, if he should get shot in the head by a police officer or if he should hang himself in his jail cell or if he’s struck by a bolt of lightning, then I’m going to blame some of the people in this room. And that, I do not forgive. But, that aside, let me say that I swear on the souls of my grandchildren that I will not be the one to break the peace that we have made here today.

Feb 26

CIA Uncovers Japanese Plot to Suddenly Accelerate All Toyotas Tomorrow at Noon

ToyotaManWASHINGTON – The CIA has learned that every Toyota sold in the United States since 2004 has been infected with a virus, set to activate this Friday at noon, that will cause the cars to suddenly accelerate. 

The Japanese plot is intended to cause mass carnage on American roadways coast to coast.  Some of the viruses have gone off sooner than planned, accounting for the sudden acceleration accidents that have plagued Toyota of late.

“The plan was to destroy the American way of life with greater stealth, and more cunning, than [the Japanese] ever dreamed possible at Pearl Harbor,” explained U.S. Rep. John Mica (R., Fla.).  Mica said Congress will pass emergency legislation Thursday to ground all of the targeted Toyotas.

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Feb 25

Sea World Assures Trainers: ‘It Will Be Safe To Do Act With Killer Whale on Fridays in Lent’

shamu“The whale is Catholic, so he won’t eat you on Fridays in Lent.”

Feb 25

Most Popular New Defense for Bank Robbery: ‘I Thought I Was In Rip Torn’s House’

Robber

Feb 25

Cash4Gold Says Business ‘Brisk’ Each Night At Kiosk Near Olympics Medals Ceremony

cash-for-gold

Feb 24

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