Obama Approval Rating Dips: 48 Percent of Voters ‘Sick and Tired’ That He’s Black

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Sep 2

Former Pres. Bush Gets Ready To Watch Obama’s Speech on End of Iraq War

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Sep 1

Obama Speech: ‘But Enough About Iraq. Get a Shot Of This Cool New Rug in The Oval Office’

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Aug 31

Biden Arrives In New Orleans on Anniversary of Katrina

bidentoledoaug23_ap1_20100823171914_320_240“I have to be honest, I don’t see any hurricane here.”

Aug 30

New York Times Gives Glenn Beck Rally Fair Coverage

“Apparently there was a gathering of some type on the Mall in Washington.  If The Times obtains any additional information, we’ll pass it on.”MAllr3187058405

Aug 29

Obama Says Goodbye To Martha’s Vineyard, Captain Quint Tells Him To Stay The Course

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Aug 28

Biden Vacationing on Martha’s Vineyard’s Less Posh Sister Island, Marvin’s Vineyard

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Aug 27

Flashback August 30, 2005: Bush Consoles New Orleans: ‘I Will Get The Man Who Did This’

Fats_dominoPresident Asks Rock ‘N Roll Legend Fats Domino To Be ‘Human Cork’ To Plug Leak In Levee

NEW ORLEANS – Hurricane Katrina wrought unprecedented devastation to the U.S. Gulf Coast yesterday, and President Bush arrived to console the jittery Big Easy in the wake of mass chaos and violence. The President addressed thousands of refugees stranded at the Superdome: “We will hunt down, and we will kill, the evildoers who did this thing.”

After visiting the Superdome, the President said he wanted to “survey the destruction” sustained by Harrah’s New Orlean’s casino. No reporters were permitted to accompany the President on his two hour visit inside the casino, but at one point a Presidential aide ran out of the building and returned a short time later with a bagful of quarters.

Before departing the city, the President paid one more visit — to the home of rock ‘n roll legend Fats Domino. Bush implored the 77 year old pioneer responsible for such classics as “Blueberry Hill” to become a “human cork” to plug up the leak in the levee that flooded the city. The singer immediately obliged and is seen in the above photograph being helped from a boat before he was physically fitted into the hole where the levee burst. When asked about the devastation to his home town, Domino said, “Ain’t that a shame!”

Aug 27

‘Last Exorcism’ Actress Contorts Body In Ways No One Can Ever Recall Seeing A Young Woman Do

Not-safe-for-work picture after the jump.

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Aug 25

Protestors Seek To Block Proposed Shriners Hall At Ground Zero ‘Because of the Fezzes’

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Aug 25

Mrs. Sharia Law Files Name Change Petition

swaynePITTSBURGH – Mrs. Sharia Law of Blawnox, Pennsylvania, said she has filed a petition in the Court of Common Pleas to change her name to “Sherry Law.”

She filed the petition because “I’m tired of people confusing me with that Muslim guy,” Mrs. Law explained.

Mrs. Law’s 15-year-old daughter Amber Law said the name change is “a good thing” because “it’s oppressive living under Sharia Law.”

Aug 24

Details Leaked About Steve Carell’s Exit From ‘The Office’

Harry_Morgan-r977813HOLLYWOOD – Details about Steve Carell’s final episode as Michael Scott, the fictional regional office manager of a struggling paper company in the hit sitcom The Office, have hit normally laid-back Tinseltown like a bombshell. 

According to the script, hours after Michael Scott departs for a vacation to South Korea, Corporal Walter “Radar” O’Reilly enters the company office to deliver the sad news that Scott was killed when his plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan.

The leaked script also reveals that the Scott character will be replaced by veteran character actor Harry Morgan.

Aug 23

Last U.S. Combat Troops Exit Iraq

scavengers_scour_through_rubbish_from_recycling_bins-thumbnailWhite House staff desperately searches for “Mission Accomplished” banner

Aug 20

Quasimodo ‘Honored’ To Ring Opening Bell At NY Stock Exchange

QuasiNEW YORK – For more than fifty years, a cavalcade of celebrities have flooded the balcony above the floor of the New York Stock Exchange to press the buzzer that rings the bell to start the trading at 9:30 every morning.

Yesterday, the most famous bell ringer of them all, Quasimodo, who mans the bell tower at the Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris, was given the honor of pressing the buzzer.

Everything was proceeding according to plan until the floor traders looked up and realized the bell was being rung by a monster.  Shrieks of horror arose from the floor, and several dozen traders formed an impromptu lynch mob that charged the balcony to apprehend Quasimodo.  Within seconds, they lifted the hulking figure above their heads and hurled him onto the floor of the Stock Exchange below, killing him instantly. 

Funeral arrangements are pending.  It is expected that Quasimodo will be buried from his beloved Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris.

Aug 20

Obama Clarifies: “I Didn’t Say Ground Zero ‘Mosque’ Was OK, I Said Ground Zero ‘Musk’”

muskimagesWASHINGTON – President Obama says reports that he supports Muslims’ right to build a mosque near Ground Zero in lower Manhattan are incorrect. 

“I didn’t say it was alright to have a Mosque at Ground Zero,” said the president. “I said it was alright to have a musk. I was referring, of course, to the delightful musk deer, the graceful creature with the stocky build, and hind legs longer than their front legs, which emit the intense, penetrating musk odor.”

A new Gallup Poll that found 87% of Americans approve of allowing musk deer in Ground Zero, provided they are not Muslim.

Aug 19

Judge in Blagojevich Case Misunderstands Jury Foreman

Dreadlocked_rastaThe Judge thought the foreman said “deadlock” but, in fact, the foreman was describing his hairstyle.

Aug 17

Furious Warren Buffett Rips Rich Uncle Pennybags: ‘Charities Don’t Want Your Fake Money’

RichATLANTIC CITY - Berkshire Hathaway Inc. Chairman Warren Buffett has asked fellow billionaires to pledge the majority of their wealth to charity, but he angrily told one billionaire “don’t bother.”

Buffett publicly scolded rich Uncle Pennybags, the dapper, mustached mascot of a popular board game after Mr. Pennybags tried to donate to the U. S. Community Chest a basket filled with fake, orange $500 bills and bogus deeds to supposedly improved Atlantic City real estate and railroads.

“Pennybags has made a mockery of our charitable efforts,” Mr. Buffett fumed.

Mr. Pennybags took umbrage at Buffett’s remarks. “Buffett has just rolled three sets of doubles, and we all know where that lands him: in jail!”  He added that Mr. Buffett is “just jealous” because Mr. Pennybags recently won second prize in a beauty contest, earning him ten dollars.

Mr. Pennybags said that Mr. Buffett’s rebuke will not deter his charitable giving. He noted that he has written personal appeals to other notable billionaires, including oil baron Jed Clampett, private investor Bruce Wayne, and uncharted desert isle financier Thurston Howell, III.

Aug 13

Obama’s Bid To Boost Popularity Called Desperation Move

OBAMA 081010_Obama_UTexas-1President boards JetBlue plane and launches into obscenity-laced tirade over intercom; then he grabs two beers and slides down inflatable emergency chute.

Aug 12

‘Bridge To Nowhere’ Gets ‘Ramp To Nonexistent Place’ in Sen. Ted Stevens’ Honor

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Aug 11

Enola Gay Flyover Mars Hiroshima Peace Memorial Ceremony

enola-gayTOKYO – The Hiroshima Peace Memorial Ceremony in Hiroshima City, marking the 65th anniversary of the dropping of the nuclear bomb that devastated that Japanese city, was marred by the flyover of the Enola Gay, the B-29 bomber that dropped the bomb.

It was learned that last week that on the White House’s instructions, the infamous bomber was secretly removed from display at the National Air and Space Museum’s Steven F. Udvar-Hazy Center and recommissioned for deployment.  

Without alerting Hiroshima, an unnamed pilot, filmmaker Michael Moore and Vice President Joe Biden then flew the bomber over the city to film a recreation of the August 6, 1945 bombing that destroyed much of the city for Mr. Moore’s upcoming film Tōjō & Me, a film about Mr. Moore’s fictional efforts to speak with Hideki Tōjō, Japan’s prime minister in World War II.

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Aug 10

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