IRS’s Lois Lerner Takes the Fifth in Congressional Hearing, Insists She Did Nothing Wrong

tumblr_lhgfdrGpvZ1qgxjx9o1_500Look, the FBI guys promised me a deal. So I made up a lot of stuff about Michael Corleone ’cause that’s what they wanted — but it was all lies — uh — everything. And I kept saying “Michael Corleone did this and Michael Corleone did that” — uh — so I said, “yea, sure, why not.”

Posted in Extras

Eyewitness Relives Lee Harvey Oswald’s Capture

Posted in Extras

CNN: Oklahoma Tornado Linked to Boston Bombings

Posted in Commentary, Fact Check, U.S. News, Weather

America’s Foremost Historian Visits Phildelphia

Posted in Extras

Is George Zimmerman Too Fat for Dancing with the Stars?

zimmerman

Posted in Crime, Legal News, Media, Pop Culture

Jodi Arias Murders Jury in Self-Defense

jodiarias

Posted in Crime

Kim Jong-Un Readies Hot Dog Launchers

kim-jong-un-hot-dog-launcher

Posted in International News, War

Good Friday Service Marred By Altar Boy Incompetence

Holy-WaterOP-ED BY DR. NOAH SWAYNE, SCIENTIST/ST. MARY OF MERCY PARISHIONER – After the noon Good Friday service today at St. Mary of Mercy Church in downtown Pittsburgh, I waited outside the door the altar boys use, and when the first one emerged, I hauled off and punched him in the face as hard as I could, knocking him to the ground. No fewer than a dozen parishioners swarmed his limp body and started kicking him in the head and the torso until he was a bloody mess.  Then the next one emerged, and we gave him a taste of the same medicine.

The altar boys’ performance at today’s service was utterly appalling. No fewer than four times, father had to wait for one of them to go fetch the book even though they should have had it waiting for him. Once, father actually had to force one of them to hold it straight so that he could read from it.

Father wasn’t much better. Instead of just opening the book and reciting the prayers, he’d stand there looking at the words with the same puzzled look I give my car owner’s manual when I’m trying to figure out how to change a tire.

But the real problem was the boys. They deserved every broken bone we gave them. You see, we were sending them an important message: get your act together if you want to serve the Lord.

 

Posted in Extras

Conservatives’ Greatest Fears Realized as Dog Marries Blender on Supreme Court Steps

Conservatives Greatest Fears Realized as Dog Marries Blender

Posted in Politics, U.S. News

Controversial “Witch Orgy” Scene Earns Great and Powerful Oz NC-17 Rating

Oz The Great and Powerful

Posted in Extras

‘Hey, Francis, I’ve changed my mind about this retirement business . . . so clear out your stuff, and I’ll move back in’

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Posted in Extras

‘This is a f***ing big deal, Pope’

biden

Posted in Extras

Pope Francis Cites Age, Says He’ll Step Down March 31

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Posted in Extras

Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI Rips New Pontiff

Popeq-001ROME – In off-the-record remarks to visitors over tea at Castel Gandolfo this afternoon, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI derisively referred to the new pontiff as “Juan Peron,” a reference to the new Pope’s Argentine roots. Benedict also said that the name chosen by former Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, Pope Francis I, is a “girl’s name.”

At least three times over tea with friends, Benedict mentioned that he “whupped Cardinal Peron’s ass” in the 2005 conclave that elevated Benedict to the papacy.

Benedict asked a friend to deliver a message to the new pontiff: “I’m watching him, and I’ll be on him like a ton of bricks at the first misstep.”

Posted in Extras

New Pontiff Held Up at Gunpoint

Pontiff

Posted in Extras

HABEMUS IGNUS IN CULINA! (‘We have a fire in the kitchen’)

white-smoke1

Posted in Extras

Aerial Shot of Vatican: Insiders Say They’ve Never Seen So Much Division Over Selection of Pope

Chemical Plant Fire

Posted in Extras

Sistine Chapel Evacuated, Cardinals Overcome with White Smoke Inhalation

sistine

Posted in Extras

‘Keep the red hats on – they can’t identify perpetrators if we all look alike’

Cardinals

Posted in Extras

Hugo Chávez Dies, Last Words: ‘Moe! Larry! Cheese!’

Chavez

Posted in Extras
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