Elizabeth Warren Taps Sacheen Littlefeather to Deliver Her Acceptance Speech on Election Night

May 12

Romney Won’t Back Gay Marriage, But Says He’ll Give Gays Discount Haircuts

May 12

Chinese: Chen Incident Orchestrated by Guide Dog

WASHINGTON - Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said she accepted the Chinese government’s explanation that blind dissident Chen Guangcheng has no interest in seeking refuge in the United States. “The entire incident was orchestrated by Chen’s guide dog,” said Clinton.

Clinton explained that the guide dog tricked Chen into a daring escape to the U.S. Embassy last week. Chen believed he was taking the dog outside to urinate, but the dog had other ideas. It was the dog who led high level negotiations with embassy officials to broker a deal for Chen to come to the United States.

“It was a protest about the way China treats canines,” Clinton told reporters. “We will not be taking further action on this matter.”

The dog was taken to a pound where he will share a cell with the canine who belonged to the iconic Tiananmen Square protester who stood up to government tanks.

May 5

‘Why don’t people break chairs over each other’s heads anymore?’

Local Man2Guest commentary by Noah Swayne:  This morning, I got out of bed, donned the old coonskin cap, and, as my daddy used to say, took a shower. 

Then it dawned on me: why don’t people break chairs over each other’s heads anymore? 

In the old days, when a barroom brawl broke out, before it was over, one of the combatants would pick up a chair and slam it atop the other guy’s head.

So, what happened?  From what I can tell, the kids aren’t even being taught fundamental chair slamming techniques, so if a barroom brawl broke out – well, good luck, is all I can say.

The world has gone to hell.

Apr 24

Man’s Death From Heart Attack ‘Just the Wake-Up Call He Needed’

PLEASANT HILLS, Pa. – Vera Marcal said her husband’s death from chronic heart disease last week was “just the wake-up call he needed” after a lifetime of overeating. Julius Marcal, 38, of Pleasant Hills died last week after suffering his second heart attack in the past two years.

“I’ve been after him to lose weight for years,” Mrs. Marcal gloated. “When I saw him clutching his chest, I knew this was just the thing he needed to put an end to those bad habits. Some people have to be hit over the head, you know.”

Mr. Marcal was buried from St. Elizabeth’s Church following a funeral Saturday.

Apr 23

Zimmerman apologizes to Trayvon Martin family: ‘I had no idea he was a friend of Al Sharpton’

Apr 20

Titanic Shocker!

Photo from famous shipwreck released last week showed human remains of a male victim wearing expensive shoes; a new photo shows the shoes are missing — and director James Cameron is wearing them.

Apr 19

June Cleaver Puts Out $100,000 Bounty for the Capture of Hilary Rosen

Beaver’s mom ‘livid’ over comments about stay-at-home moms

Apr 13

Obama to bunny: “This is my last election. And after my election, I have more flexibility.”

Apr 9

‘It would be unprecedented for the Supreme Court to declare a law unconstitutional’

Obama joins staff of Carbolic Smoke Ball

Apr 5

‘Earth Hour’ Tragedy: Farmhouse Overrun By Zombies When Family Turns Off Floodlights

zombies_nightofthelivingdeadCLARKSVILLE, PA - All three members of the local Cooper family, husband and wife Harry, 38, and Helen, 35, and their daughter Karen, 16, were brutally dismembered by marauding zombies Saturday night after Mrs. Cooper shut off the floodlights atop the Coopers’ home in observance of Earth Hour.  Police say the floodlights were the only thing that deterred the zombies at night. 

“Normally, the [floodlights] bathed the entire perimeter of [the Cooper's] property in light and kept the zombies away,” said Sheriff Mick “Mac” McClelland.

“We are investigating the extent of Mr. Al Gore’s responsibility for this attack.”

Apr 1

Newt Gingrich: ‘If I had a son, he’d look like Gollum’

Mar 30

Rep. Bobby Rush Dons Hoodie in Congress, Republicans Open Fire On Him

Mar 29

Pope Tapped to Play John Wayne Role in ‘Chisum’ Remake

(El Bandito and Pope Benedict point guns at each other)

El Bandito: Did you bring any gold, señor?

Pope Benedict: Nope.

El Bandito: How about silver? Did you bring any silver?

Pope Benedict: Nope. (Cocks gun) Just lead.  (The Pope fires on El Bandito, killing him instantly)

Mar 27

Identity of Cheney Heart Donor Revealed: The Late Tin Man of ‘Oz’ Fame

Mar 24

Titanic Expert Views First Complete Photo of Wreck’s Battered Stern: ‘Ship Not as Bad as We Thought, May Be Salvageable’

Mar 22

Swallows Return to Capistrano, Stop First to Terrorize Residents of Bodega Bay

birdsff1

Mar 20

Santorum Campaign Releases Evidence Showing the Horrors of Porn

Mar 19

“Guys, if I had known ‘ides’ means ‘the 15th,’ I’d have stayed home today!”

Cesar-sa_mort

Mar 15

Romney Pokes Man in Face ‘Because I Can’

Mar 14

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