Local Man: “The Only Time I Feel Alive Is When I’m Wearing My Collar Bomb”

Collar BombLocal bon vivant Noah Swayne revealed that he “doesn’t feel alive” unless his triple-banded metal collar bomb is securely locked around his neck.

“First thing I do when I get home from work is slap on the collar [bomb],” said Swayne. “I know the neighbors must think it’s strange seeing me cutting the grass wearing the collar, but I’m one of those guys who’s always lived a sort of high octane life.”

Swayne insists on setting the timer to detonate the bomb while he’s wearing the collar. “Only one time did I come close to having it go off — when I accidentally fell asleep,” he chuckles. “I disarmed it with seven seconds to spare.”

Swayne confides that he sometimes wears the collar to bed. “Many a night my wife assumes the bomb went off,” he winks. “Every couple should add one of these to their lovemaking regimen.”

Mar 19

The Swallows Return to Capistrano, But First Stop to Terrorize Residents of Bodega Bay

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Mar 19

Obama Tells Fox News Viewers: “I’ve Got The Votes, And You’re Deemed Screwed”

Obamaaaaa“I just had to get a ‘deemed’ joke in there!”

Mar 18

New York’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade Marred by Sobriety, Marchers Walking in Straight Lines

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Mar 17

Carbolic Flashback: March 17, 1845: “If There’s One Thing Us Irish Can Count On, It’s the Potato”

rizzoCommentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Editor Horace Peckham:

Well now, I’ll begin at the beginnin’, says I, and here, on the feast to honor himself, Saint Patrick, no less. Instead of telling it to you in the Irish, as is my custom, I’ll spell it out in English so that even the despicable sons of Cromwell can read what I’ve got to say.

In a world where change is practically the only constant, every century, a new technological advance (so-called) turns us upside down – from the wondrous improvements in smelting, to this dizzying cotton spinning, to the steam engine itself!

Why, aside from change, the only other thing us Irish can depend on with absolute certainty is, of course, our national staple, the potato. Starch, starch and more starch.  There’s nothing better for you if you’re Irish, ya know. We could not live without it, but we needn’t ever worry about that.

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Mar 17

Obama Announces New Strategy To Pass Health Care Reform: “Ramming speed, Nancy!”

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Mar 16

Daylight Savings Disaster!

doomsday-clockCHICAGO – The atomic scientists at the University of Chicago who maintain the Doomsday Clock, the timekeeper that warns of global annihilation when the clock strikes midnight, accidentally sprung the hands of the clock forward one hour Saturday night, pushing them past midnight.

“Our janitor didn’t realize that the hands of the [Doomsday] Clock are never ’sprung ahead’ for daylight savings,” said a grim Dr. Noah Swayne, director of the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists.  “That janitor is likely responsible for destroying civilization as we know it.”

Swayne said the earth could be annihilated at any time.

Mar 15

“Holy shit! Who knew that the ‘Ides’ of March meant the 15th?”

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Mar 14

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Mar 14

Prince’s Attorney: “His Highness is Completely Innocent of Sexual Assault”

PrinceSnowWhite-1MILLEDGEVILLE, Ga. – Police continue to investigate allegations that the Prince sexually assaulted a 20-year-old member of a different royal family who works as a scullery maid for her step-mother, the Queen.  This news outlet does not name alleged victims of sexual assault.

The woman accused the Prince of non-consensual kissing while she dozed in a corner restroom abutting the VIP room of the downtown Capital City nightclub.  She was at the nightclub partying with seven dwarfs who own a local gold mine. 

Although immediately after the kiss, she awakened and rode off happily with the Prince, hours later, several friends, who major in Women’s Studies at a local college, urged her to report the crime to police.  Witnesses say she was “hysterical” at the police station.

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Mar 12

Runaway Prius Declared A “Copycat Incident”

PriusSAN DIEGO – The dramatic sudden acceleration of a 2008 Toyota Prius that sped up to more than 90 miles per hour on an interstate near San Diego has been determined to be a copycat incident, according to Toyota engineers.

“What happened is very simple: the runaway Prius was modeling its behavior on the sensational publicity given to other Toyota sudden acceleration cases,” said Toyota Chief Engineer Dr. Emil Tanaka. 

“Cars are not stupid, you know,” Dr. Tanaka explained. ”If a car is miswired or otherwise emotionally unstable — maybe it’s had a bad day on the highway — it may engage in risky behavior mimicking sensational stories in the news, just to get attention. If it weren’t for all this damn unfair publicity to Toyota, this car wouldn’t have acted up.”

Mar 11

New Corporate Dilemma: Once Women Break Through Glass Ceiling, It’s Just As Hard To Send Them Back Down Through Glass Floor

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Mar 11

March is National Women’s Sneeze Awareness Month

indoor_allergiesMarch is National Women’s Sneeze Awareness Month, intended to spread awareness about women’s sneezing.

“What we’re seeing is an epidemic of the sudden, violent, spasmodic audible expiration of breath through women’s noses and mouths,” said Professor Rosecea Swayne of the Women’s Sneeze Foundation.

The Foundation will be passing out green ribbons this weekend.  ”Green is meant to symbolize the color of women’s mucous,” explained Professor Swayne.

Mar 10

Roethlisberger’s Latest Accuser ‘Pissed’ That Jesse Jackson Hasn’t Offered Her A Scholarship

Ben-Roethlisberger-accuser-300x300“I thought, ‘Where’s my scholarship, like [Duke lacrosse false accuser] Crystal [Mangum] got?’  Then I remembered, ‘Oh, shit, I’m not black!’”

Mar 9

Schools Reopen In Chile: “Alright, Class, We’re Going To Use Up Our Remaining Air Supply By Opening Our Books To Page 71″

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Mar 9

Our Teen Film Critic Blogs From The Oscars

teencUntitledabcCommentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Teen Film Critic, Noah Swayne, Jr.

Hey, dudes, I’m chillaxin here at the kewl Oscars Governors Ball, chowing down sushi, poached shrimp, lobster tails and mussels. Some old lady — she must be 32 – iced out with some serious bling bling, is all up in my grill, verbally bitch slapping me and everything because I’m balls deep texting this to you, instead of beatin’ dem cakes with her — fo’ shizzle!– which is really krunk and everything because, like, she’s got a nice chassy. But I’m getting this report out of the the way right now because as soon as I get back to my phat hotel room at the Renaissance, a couple hundred feet away, I’ll be knocking boots with the GF — likely three times (haha — I can do that three times because I’m the TEEN critic).  So as you can imagine, I won’t have time to do this later.

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Mar 8

Fidel Back In Charge of Cuba After His Failed NBC Prime Time Experiment

FidelHAVANA - Fidel Castro is once again the arbiter of all critical matters facing Cuba, experts say, after a failed experiment as host of a nightly prime time show on NBC.

The iconic revolutionary marked his return to power with a sepia-toned parody of The Wizard of Oz.  Fidel, in the “Dorothy” role, was shown awakening from a dream, surrounded by Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez, Castro’s brother Raul, bandleader Kevin Eubanks, and beloved comic actress Betty White.  After some amusing banter, Fidel looked directly into the camera and declared, “there’s no place like home.”

In his first day back in power, Castro handily beat David Letterman in the ratings.

Mar 5

Study: ‘Long Story Short’ Is Still Too Long

BobMadNEW YORK – Scientists have debunked the cliché “long story short” by proving that the story is still too long.

“The research really shocked us,” said Dr. Noah Swayne, who headed the five year study at a cost to taxpayers of $8 million.

“In light of our findings, we are suggesting that the cliché be altered to “long story long.’”

Mar 4

Planet Loses Fraction of Second Each Day Due To Earthquake, Men To Reduce Time Spent On Household Chores

BobCoonskinaWASHINGTON – NASA scientists concluded that the earthquake in Chile altered the earth’s rotation and shortened each day by one-millionth of a second. 

A Rollings Institute Poll showed that 77% of men said that because of the shortened day, they will need to cut back on the amount of time they spend doing household chores.

Mar 3

Study: Men Are No Good

menarenogoodWASHINGTON - A study commissioned by the National Organization for Women released yesterday concludes that men are no good.

Previous studies have found that men are no good in specific areas, including interpersonal relationships, child care, and household chores, but the report released yesterday, “An Examination of the Worth of Men,” is believed to be the first comprehensive study to conclude that men are no good generally.

Mar 2

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