Somalian Pirates Seize the Love Boat

loveboatGULF OF ADEN – The Love Boat, which promises something for everyone, may have finally outdone itself.  A gang of Somalian pirates seized the Pacific Princess in international waters yesterday and vowed to set a course for adventure, their minds on a new romance.

“And love,” said Pirate Captain Abdullah al-Bluebeard, “won’t hurt anymore.”

According to information contained in a distress message sent from the ship’s radio, the pirates were initially welcomed with open arms. “Come aboard,” sang crew member Jack Jones to the Somalians who clambered up the side of the vessel. “We’re expecting you!”

Once on deck, the pirates proceeded to the bridge, where, following a violent struggle, they subdued Captain Merrill Stubing. He was seen being stuffed into a burlap sack and was then thrown overboard.  His bloated, bullet-riddled corpse was later retrieved by U.S. Naval vessels trailing the hijacked ship.  

A copy of the ship’s manifest obtained by this news source shows that international Latin singing sensation Charo is a passenger, and now, presumably, a hostage on the fabled luxury liner. 

Late yesterday, a spokesman for Pacific cruise lines confirmed that Charo was a passenger on the voyage, along with Don Ameche, Martha Raye, Waylon Flowers and Madam, and Sherman Hemsley.

The spokesman issued a brief statement: “Pacific Cruise Lines is doing everything we can to resolve this situation and free all of the hostages, not just the B-list celebrities, as quickly as possible.”

Jan 9