Bush Begs Jed Clampett to Increase Production; Prez Says Americans Need More Black Gold, Texas Tea

BEVERLY HILLS, CA - President Bush met with oilman Jed Clampett at his Beverly Hills Estate yesterday to appeal for an increase in production at Mr. Clampett’s backwoods refinery. Mr. Clampett, a once-poor mountaineer who barely kept his family fed, discussed the matter with the President over a dinner of hog jowls and squirrel stew in the fancy eating room. The meal was prepared by Mr. Clampett’s irascible mother-in-law, Granny. Ms. Granny presented the President with a bottle of her home-brewed rheumatism medicine as a souvenir of his visit. 

Both men met with reporters at the cement pond following the meal. “With the heavy driving season coming on, Americans are in desperate need of additional black gold, or, if you prefer, Texas tea, to get them to their vacation destinations,” said the President. “I’m confident that Uncle Jed, and the many fine employees of Clampett Oil will be able to fulfill this need.” Mr. Clampett uttered a cryptic response to the President’s appeal. “Whew, doggie,” he said, before returning to his whittling.

It is believed a sticking point in the negotiations between the two men is the President’s reluctance to give Mr. Clampett’s nephew, Jethro Bodine, a summer internship with the Central Intelligence Agency. According to sources close to the Clampett family, Mr. Bodine has long sought a career as a double-nought spy. Dash Riprock, spokesman for Clampett Oil, said Mr. Clampett has called an emergency board meeting to discuss the President’s request. The meeting is scheduled for this morning.

Jun 18

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