Analyst: Expect more ‘Spy Swaps’ from Cash-Strapped US before Trading Deadline

russian spiesWASHINGTON – The international espionage community rarely agrees on anything, but the recent “spy swap” between the United States and Russia has most counterintelligence analysts nodding their heads and exclaiming in unison: “Salary dump!”

“No question about it,” Boris Yeltsin-Swayne of Lithuania explained. “You see what the United States gave up?  Ten young spies for four broken down has-beens.” 

Yeltsin-Swayne, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said “it is common knowledge” that the United States can no longer afford a large payroll and needed to get something for the ten spies rather than lose them all to free agency.

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Jul 15

Long-Lost Scripture Is Parable of The Mediocre Samaritan

SamaritanJERUSALEM – Biblical archaeologists have unearthed a portion of the Gospel of Luke, lost for more than 1,900 years, that reportedly tells the story of the Mediocre Samaritan, brother of the Good Samaritan.

“It’s the story of a Samaritan who kind of helped the victim of a robbery, but not very well,” said Dr. Noah Swayne, Bible scholar at Cairo University. “Let’s be blunt: he’s a real screw up.”

In the long-lost Gospel, Jesus relates the parable to his apostles, then the apostle Peter asks him: “Master, has the Samaritan done the will of the father?”  Jesus answers: “Meh.”

Jul 14

‘Barefoot Bandit’ Claims Police Lineup Was Unconstitutional Because He Was Too Easy To Pick Out

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Jul 13

LeBron James To Enter The Seminary

LeBron JamesGREENWICH - Lebron James ended months of speculation last night when he announced during an ESPN special broadcast that he is leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers and entering the seminary.  

Mr. James said he received a vocational calling from the Holy Spirit during Game Six of his teams NBA playoff game this past season.

According to Mr. James, the Holy Spirit was sitting court side, and spent the entire contest heckling him about joining the priesthood.  “Now, I can finally reveal why I performed so poorly during the climactic Game Seven contest. I was torn between my desire to serve the one true Holy Roman Catholic church, and my goal of winning a championship for my home town. Something had to give.  In the end, it was basketball.”

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Jul 13

The Night Started Off Well Enough: The President Allowed Angry Southerners To Pose For Gag Pictures With Him Before The Play Started

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Jul 12

Religious Woman: Where Have All the Shirtless Young Men Gone?

swayneCommentary by Rosacea M. Swayne – As a deeply religious woman, I detest all the sex, sex, sex on television nowadays. You can’t turn on the “boob tube” without being inundated with sweaty naked bodies of the mixed gender variety writhing in sinful, premarital and carnal passion for the prurient pleasure of Americans who insist on being chronically aroused.

Television has become a 24 X 7 electronic Viagara, a cesspool, an open sewer, a pit of putrefaction, a slimy gathering of all that is rotten in the debris of human depravity.

The purveyors of these shameful exhibitions, and the viewers luxuriating in them, are all going straight to hell, each and every one, and you heard it here first.

I grew up in a time when morality held sway, thank you very much. Back then, on a hot day like yesterday, a girl wouldn’t need to watch these dirty things on television in order to be exposed — IN A HEALTHY, RELIGIOUS WAY — to members of the opposite sex. All she had to do was go outside and there they were in all their shirtless wonder.

I can still picture it: lithe, muscular boys in their late teens frolicking in the majesty of their budding manhood; perspiration highlighting their well-toned pecs; their sweat-soaked shorts accenting tight, beautiful asses and vibrant genitalia. We didn’t need HBO AND ITS UTTER FILTH; we were exposed to sexuality in RELIGIOUS, MORAL, HEALTHY WAYS because our imaginations supplied all we needed to know about what each of these boys looked like completely naked — from the size and shape of their penises down to the dimples in their asses.

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Jul 9

Elena Kagan Bares All For Playgirl

The long-awaited nude shots of Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan will appear in the upcoming issue of the iconic women’s magazine.  Playgirl’s editors say that Kagan “shows some penis.”  In the meantime, we have a not-safe-for-work preview after the jump. Read more

Jul 8

New Law Makes It A Crime To Ask ‘Is It Hot Enough For Ya?’

thermometerWASHINGTON – Congress passed emergency legislation yesterday making it a Federal offence for anyone residing east of the Mississippi river to inquire of anyone whether or not the temperature outside is agreeable.  The law will remain in effect for the duration of the oppressive heat wave.

The so-called “is it hot enough for ya?” bill was approved by overwhelming assent in both chambers.  President Obama signed the bill late yesterday.

 During the signing ceremony in the Rose Garden, he was flanked by Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Attorney General Eric Holder who sought to keep the Commander in Chief cool by fanning him with giant palm fronds.  It is believed to be the first time in the nations history that the President signed a bill into law wearing only his boxer shorts and a sleeveless undershirt.

“I am pleased to announce that with this new law, the American people residing along the Atlantic seaboard who are enduring unbearable suffering and inconvenience with these record-breaking temperatures will no longer have to endure the insipid, banal drivel used by the conversationally-challenged,” said the President.  “From now on, if you ask somebody is it hot enough for you, you’re going to jail.”

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Jul 8

Recording of Alleged Sexual Assault: Gore Warned Massage Therapist of Dramatic Warming of His Subsurface Temperatures

ATTACHMENT_TWO_AL_GOREThe transcript of the alleged 2006 sexual assault by former Vice President Al Gore of Molly Hagerty has been released.  Here are excerpts:

AL GORE: “Scientists have announced they’ve found alarming new evidence that human activities, specifically, your human activities, are responsible for the dramatic warming of my subsurface temperatures.  Many scientists are now warning that I have reached the tipping point from which there is no return, so it is essential that you take all necessary steps to end the persistent draught that has engulfed vast portions of my sex life.  The first thing that needs to be done to alleviate my subsurface pressure is for you to cause the rapid release of emissions from my heat-trapping smokestack.”

Jul 7

Lucifer Tells The Weather Channel: “We Have This Weather Year Round”

A devilATLANTA – Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness and Ruler of Hell, made a special guest appearance last night on The Weather Channel’s Evening Edition to offer his own unique perspective on the heat wave that is gripping much of the East Coast.

“I’ve been telling my residents the past couple of days that people in Philadelphia want ice water, too,” he joked with host Jim Cantore.  “But seriously, we have this kind of weather year round.”

Mr. Cantore asked if there were any notable differences.   “Well, for one thing, you don’t have to deal with brimstone up here.  We’re under a brimstone warning, or a brimstone watch basically 24-7.  And of course, there’s the daily showers of fire that our people deal with. But you get used to it. Hey, we’ve got no choice!”

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Jul 7

Bucs’ Coonelly Replaced by BP Chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg

BP404PITTSBURGH – Carl-Henric Svanberg, 58, former Chairman of BP, was named president of the Pittsburgh Pirates, replacing Frank Coonelly, who was fired after three years at the helm.

Svanberg, who oversaw the clean-up of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill until he resigned as BP chairman, got the Bucs’ top job due to his experience in cleaning up massive disasters.

Last month, Svanberg found himself at the center of a public relations maelstrom when he described persons financially impacted by the oil spill as “the small people.” He insisted it was a translation problem.

This morning, he said that he would be an effective baseball executive because he could understand the concerns of “the small people.” This time Svanberg said there was no translation problem, and that he was referring to Pirates’ owner Bob Nutting, who, Svanberg insisted, “has a very small penis.”

Jul 6

Ed Rendell Dethrones Al Gore To Win Hotdog Eating Contest

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Jul 5

President Pulls Off Fourth Of July Miracle

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Jul 2

Diaries of Disappointed Colonial Women Reveal Meaning of Term “Minutemen”

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Jul 2

Prosthetic Limb Industry Anticipates Big Business After Fourth of July

limbNew Limbsville – Dan Malloy, a spokesman for the National Association of Prosthetic Limb Retailers, said the industry expects “higher than normal sales” following this year’s Fourth of July celebration. Factors involved in the rosy forecast include the long three day holiday weekend, the anticipated consumption of massive amounts of alcohol by millions of people and the accessibility of cheap explosives.

During prior economic slow-downs, self-made amputees were more likely to go without, or fashion their own, crude limbs on garage work benches, or in high school shop classes. Experts hope this recession won’t be like that.

“There’s no question, a lot of people are going to drink and light fireworks,” said Mr. Malloy, “And when they lose that finger, or hand, we want them to know we’re here, ready to provide them with a fully operational, artificial appendage that will look and feel almost like the one they’ve lost.

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Jul 2

From the Carbolic Archives, July 3, 1776: “Rejoice, For We Shall Always Be Englishmen!”

Editorial by the Hon. Josiah Peckham, Editor:

Last month, Richard Henry Lee, a delegate to the Second Continental Congress from Virginia, proposed a resolution that, if passed, would dissolve the colonies’ ties with their motherland.

Readers of this publication know my feelings about this resolution and its sponsor, so I will not repeat them here. The resolution is a cesspool, an open sewer, a pit of putrefaction, a treasonous, slimy gathering of all that is rotten in the debris of human depravity. And in the center of all this waste and stench, besmearing himself with its foulest defilement, splashes, leaps, cavorts and wallows a bifurcated specimen, a traitor that responds to the name of Richard Henry Lee.

Fortunately, I have just come from Philadelphia where I’ve conferred with the members of the Second Continental Congress and have learned beyond all doubt that this Lee Resolution is as dead as a doornail, and you heard it here first. My dear friend John Adams gave me a scoop to publish in this newspaper by assuring me that although a committee has been formed supposedly to draft a declaration of independence, it is a sham, concocted to satisfy the advocates of independence without any intention of acting on it. 

Mr. Adams said I should publish this useful information and receive all appropriate accolades for it.  I thanked Mr. Adams for this, and for putting behind us that little incident from last November involving me and Abigail when I found myself in Boston (not to repeat ourself, but it was cold, and I had nowhere else to sleep . . . ). I am glad Mr. Adams is not vindictive.

No, dear readers, one-hundred, nay, two-hundred years from now and beyond, the misguided devotees of independence will have been long forgotten, and we shall rejoice, as we now rejoice, that we are Englishmen!

Jul 2

Photo of Harvard Law Dean Kagan Could Hurt Her Claim That She Welcomed Military on Campus

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Jul 1

Larry King ‘Surprised’ By News of His Retirement: ‘I Thought I Stopped Doing The Show Seven Years Ago!’

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Jul 1

Kagan Surprises Senate Judiciary Committee With Home Made Cookies

grandma with cookiesWASHINGTON - Elena Kagan, President Obama’s choice to replace retiring Justice John Paul Stevens on the United States Supreme Court, moved one step closer to confirmation yesterday when she surprised the Senate Judiciary Committee with two dozen freshly baked cookies.

Senator Jeff Sessions (R-Alabama), normally a tough inquisitor, was effusive with his praise. “Little lady, if you are as good with case law as you are with a rolling pin, I predict smooth sailing through this Committee.”  The Senator then delivered a ten minute tribute to the delicious, melt-in-your mouth quality of Ms. Kagan’s treats, which he entered into the Congressional Record.

Ms. Kagan attended yesterday’s hearings wearing a broad smile and a flour-covered apron.  She told the Senators she had spent the preceding eight hours in her kitchen hunched over a mixing bowl and a Black’s Law dictionary. 

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Jul 1

Kagan Attacked By Her Copy of The Constitution After Disavowing Concept of ‘Living Constitution’

KaganWASHINGTON, D.C. – Hours after disavowing the concept of a ”living Constituton” that changes akin to a living organism, Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan was brutally attacked by her copy of the document and narrowly escaped with her life.

Kagan, badly bruised, is resting in a Washington, D.C. hospital, and is expected to make a full recovery.

Kagan made her remarks about the “living Constitution” Tuesday morning during her confirmation hearing before the Senate Judiciary Committee.  Later in the afternoon, she returned to her office and turned on the lights when, she claimed, she heard the sound of breaking glass in the credenza where she keeps her yellowed, dog-eared copy of the Constitution.

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Jun 30

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