Rick Santorum Unveils His Vision of America

Feb 20

“I Asked Amy to Name the Stingiest People on Earth, and She Said, ‘The Americans’”

OP-ED BY FORMER PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER – I had a discussion with my daughter, Amy, the other day, and I asked her to name the stingiest people on earth. Without any hesitation, she said, “the Americans.”

Amy is right.  Even though the World Giving Index for 2011 shows that Americans are the most generous people on earth, and even though the people I love most, the Iranians, rank 92nd, this is an issue that should not be discussed by citing things like “facts”; feelings matter much more. Amy’s feeling, and mine, is that Americans are stingy.

Proof of this is found in the Occupy Movement. That Movement was relatively successful, even though no one knew what it stood for, its encampments bred sexual assault, and it didn’t accomplish anything. That aside, it captured the feeling of the nation that people with money are no good.

Every night before I go to bed, I gaze upon my Nobel Peace Prize and think to myself, “How awful the Americans are!”

My guess is that President Obama agrees with Amy and me. And remember, if you disagree with President Obama on this issue, or any other, you are a racist.

Feb 17

50 Years Ago: JFK Was Punked –There Was No ‘Space Wombat’ in John Glenn’s Capsule

Feb 16

“Make ‘Leap Second’ Count: Spend it With a Loved One!”

OP-ED BY REV. NOAH SWAYNE – At the end of June this year, scientists will add an extra second to atomic clocks around the world, a tweak intended to make up for changes in the earth’s rotation.

Just think of it!  A second we otherwise wouldn’t have!  What a golden opportunity to do something good! 

Spend it by spreading love to your family and friends. Spend it by healing long-festering wounds with your enemies. Spend it by calling someone you haven’t spoken with in a long time. And if you have any time left, help a neighbor paint his house, or knit a sweater for your cranky aunt! 

In short, MAKE LEAP SECOND COUNT — it’s a second we otherwise wouldn’t have!

Feb 16

Obama Involuntarily Committed Following $3.8 Trillion Spending Plan

Feb 15

Naked, Winged Arrow Shooter Holds Community in Terror Grip

PITTSBURGH – Police say that a naked, winged male youth known only as “Cupid” is a person of interest in a series of bow and arrow attacks throughout the tri-state area.

The suspect’s modus operandi is to fire tiny arrows into the hearts of couples out on a date. Police say the arrows contain a date rape drug that renders victims susceptible to romantic encounters.

Women’s groups staged a candlelight vigil in the city’s South Side last night to express outrage that the suspect is still at large.

Samuel Blatchford, 74, of Blawnox, said: “By letting him on the loose, we’re sending a message that it’s OK for anybody to go around spreading love among defenseless citizens. No one is safe!”

Feb 14

Whitney Houston the Latest to Die in Tub: How Many More People Must We Sacrifice to These Deathtraps?

EDITORIAL – Singer Whitney Houston’s death in a Beverly Hilton bathtub is merely the latest in a long line of tragedies associated with that unspeakable deathtrap.

It was in a bathtub in 1793 where radical journalist Jean-Paul Marat was famously murdered by Charlotte Corday. That’s the crime that started the “bloods ‘n suds” craze.

Who can forget Marion Crane, the doomed adulterous leading lady in “Pyscho”?  Marion was doing just fine, thank you very much, until auter Alfred Hitchcock sent her into the bathtub.

Gangster Frankie “Five Angels” Pentangeli of “Godfather Part 2″ fame, above, was supposedly in a “safe” place – the witness protection plan — when he died, but no one is “safe” so long as there’s a bathtub around.

And we could go on and on and on. The point is obvious: tubs are bad. Tubs kill. Tubs need to be stopped up.

Ban bathtubs, before it’s too late!

Feb 13

Maine Caucuses: Congressman Ron Paul a ‘Person of Interest’ in Latest Cabot Cove Murder

Little town averages one murder per week.

Feb 13

Obama’s War on Catholics: Pope Puts Swiss Guard on Stand-By in Case of Invasion

“I’ll put my Swiss Guard against Obama’s Navy Seals any day of the week, notwithstanding the ostrich feathers in the helmets.”  — Pope Benedict

Feb 10

Obama’s War on Catholics Escalates: Executive Order Will Force Meat Down Catholics’ Throats on Fridays in Lent

Feb 9

And, behold, the Holy Spirit Descended Upon Me . . . .

Feb 9

From Coast-to-Coast, America is Ecstatic for Long-Suffering New York Fans: Big Apple Celebrates Only Its 56th Sports Championship

Feb 8

Woman at Gingrich Rally: ‘Don’t Count Out Calvin Coolidge Just Yet!’

Feb 7

NBC Sports Apologizes for Mrs. Obama’s ‘Spontaneous Gesture to America’ During Super Bowl Halftime

Feb 6

Susan G. Komen Stages ‘Race for the Capitulation’

Agency reverses self, will fund Planned Parenthood

Feb 3

Genius Belichick to Media: ‘Your ignorance makes me ill and angry’

INDIANAPOLIS - Scientists say that the tragic death of a sports writer at this morning’s pre-Super Bowl press conference was caused by the fact that the Patriot’s coach, Bill Belichick, long regarded as a genius, has mutated into a “being of pure intellect.”

Belichick strode into a packed media room at 10:15 and glowered at reporters beneath his massive cerebrum for what seemed an eternity.  The coach refused to respond to any questions but finally raised his right hand, revealing that it now sports six fingers, and announced, “Your ignorance makes me ill and angry.”

Read more

Feb 3

Al Gore Subs for Groundhog

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA – Groundhog Day revelers waiting to learn if Punxsutawney Phil would see his shadow were shocked yesterday morning when the famous rodent’s handlers reached into his burrow and pulled out Al Gore instead.

Mr. Gore, who declared Phil’s prognostications “obsolete,” promptly announced that he could see his shadow, and that “there will only be six more weeks of winter — ever.”

Feb 3

Bear Stages Mauling to Look Like Murder

YOSEMITE NATIONAL PARK – A bear who mauled a woman to death arranged the scene to make it look like she was killed by her boyfriend, police said.

The bear attacked the woman, Rosacea Lugosi, 23, while she and her boyfriend, Noah Swayne, 26, were camping last Friday.  Mr. Swayne was off hiking when the bear pounced on Ms. Lugosi. Police say the bear then grabbed Ms. Lugosi’s wallet and took all her cash. 

Read more

Feb 2

We’re going to make sure the Nevada primary turns out different . . . .’

Feb 1

‘Ken, we’re two feet apart–why are we talking to each other on the phone?’

Feb 1

← Previous Page — Next Page →