Obama Taps ‘Misfit Toys’ Sovereign to Lead Immigration Reform

WASHINGTON – President Obama named King Moonracer, sovereign of the Island of Misfit Toys, as the nation’s new immigration czar.

In making the announcement, the president said that “the compassion the King showed toward three misfit humans in letting them stay as guests on his island, but not as permanent residents, is the kind of wisdom America needs to reform its immigration policy.”

Republicans immediately attacked the appointment. Former House speaker and presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich said Moonracer is a “do-nothing.”

“He’s got all these misfit toys that he doesn’t know what to do with,” Gingrich said, “yet he never bothers to approach Santa Claus for help in placing them. He waits until, by happenstance, he meets a red-nosed caribou who claims to know Santa, and only then does the King ask the caribou to do what the King should have done years earlier — tell Santa about his island.”

Former Gov. Rick Perry echoed Gingrich’s sentiments. “The wings creep me out.”

Jan 8

Newt Gingrich Denies He’s Out for Revenge, Tells Romney: ‘You’re Gonna Learn About Loss’

Jan 5

Santorum: ‘Pope Benedict To Be My VP’

DES MOINES – In a bold bid to build on the momentum of his razor close second place finish in the Iowa Caucuses, former Senator Rick Santorum announced that if he is the GOP nominee for president, Pope Benedict will serve as his running mate.

Party stalwarts had mixed reactions. Some applauded the move as “just crazy enough that it might work,” while others questioned the Pontiff’s conservative credentials.

“I’m afraid that if America needs to blow something up,” said Gov. Rick Perry, “the Pope might be guided by the New Testament instead of the Republican Party Platform, which would be a real problem.”

Jan 4

Romney’s Eight Vote Victory in Iowa Caucuses Came From Disembodied Ballplayers in Cornfield

“Occupy Iowa Cornfields”

Jan 4

Hugo Chávez, Tapped to Play Curly in Farrelly Brothers’ ‘Three Stooges,’ Calls Moe an ‘Imperialist Swine’

Dec 30

Joe Paterno: Incapable of Doing Wrong

Commentary by the Hon. Rufus Peckham, Editor of Carbolic Smoke Ball – Joseph Vincent Paterno, the iconic face of Penn State football for five decades who has done more good for this world than any carbon-based lifeform since St. Paul, has fallen victim to a good old fashioned PC smear by the progressive hags with a “rape” agenda at NOW and similar cesspools.

These banshees and their limp-wristed male enablers have long harbored a jealousy of Mr. Paterno bordering on the pathological because of his unmatched success in a field they could only dream being a part of: college football. So they did what every hate group throughout history has done: they destroyed the thing they are jealous of.

But forcing Joe out as Penn State head coach wasn’t enough for these vermin.  Now they’ve manufactured a hissy fit over news that when the Great Man heard that Jerry Sandusky was spotted fondling a young boy in the Penn State shower, he didn’t notify his superiors right away because he “didn’t want to interfere with their weekends.”

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Dec 29

Man Threatens to Jump From Ledge

VATICAN CITY – A man brought a section of Rome to a halt Sunday when he threatened to jump off a ledge in the Vatican.

Police are not identifying the man, but witnesses say he wore a white skullcap, ornate vestments, and a Papal ring.

Police officers concluded the man was delusional based on the list of demands he presented that included peace on earth and goodwill toward men. Psychiatric specialists spoke with him for forty-five minutes before convincing him to come down.  He was taken to a local hospital to be evaluated.

Dec 25

Cornelius, Zeira to Host Discovery Channel’s “Christmas on the Planet of the Apes”

planet-of-the-apes-1

Dec 23

Santa Claus Seriously Injured in Electric Razor Accident; Mobile Norelco was Traveling Too Fast for Conditions

santanorelcoa-22NORTH POLE – Santa Claus, jolly head of an Upper-Arctic toy and novelty empire, was seriously injured yesterday when the Norelco Razor he was riding collided with a pine tree.

Police said the force of the collision threw Mr. Claus nearly twenty yards from the razor. He was found unconscious in a snow bank.  Authorities said Mr. Claus was not wearing a seat belt. Police found an empty bottle of scotch and a loaded revolver inside the glove compartment of the razor.

Mr. Claus was put in an immobilizer, placed on a stretcher, and taken by helicopter to North Pole Suburban General. The results of toxicology tests were unavailable at press time. Mr. Claus remains in critical condition.

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Dec 20

Found: Louis Farrakhan’s Historic Lost Recording of “White Christmas”

louis_farrakhan

Dec 20

Alvin Found Dead in London Hotel Room, Chipmunks Cancel Remainder of European Tour

alvin1LONDON – Alvin, the so-called “cute” Chipmunk, was found dead in his London hotel room this morning following a night of debauchery with his German girlfriend.

According to toxicology reports released by Alvin’s personal veterinarian, the singing rodent died in his bed after consuming a massive quantity of wine and nine Vesperax sleeping pills.

A representative for Mr. David Seville, manager of the beloved group, issued the following statement: “It is believed that Alvin most likely choked to death on his own vomit. Or, perhaps it was an acorn.”  The two surviving members of the Chipmunks were unavailable for comment.

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Dec 20

Little Drummer Boy Asked to “Play that Thing Outside,” Virgin Mary Claims He’s Waking the Baby

drummer-boy

Dec 20

Salvation Army Bell Ringer Mauled by Salivating Dogs, Pavlov Denies Responsibility

pavlov

Dec 20

Jean Claude Van-Damme to Host “A Kick-Boxing Christmas”; Special to Feature Plenty of Kicking, Boxing, Caroling

vandam-1

Dec 20

Parson Brown Sues Couple for Identity Theft

snowman1The Parson’s complaint claims that in the meadow the defendants built a snowman and pretended it was him.

Dec 20

Home Invaders Demand Figgy Pudding, Won’t Go Until They Get Some, Won’t Go Until They Get Some

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Dec 20

ACLU Obtains Injunction to Stop Linus From Reciting Scripture in School Auditorium

PHOTO 4 LINUS

Dec 20

Santa to Decide After Christmas if He’s Coming Back Next Year

badsanta4At most, veteran toy giver would sign one-year deal

Dec 20

Stuttering Caroler Ruins Christmas Concert, Repeats the Sounding Joy

stutteringcarolier

Dec 20

61 Drown at Bedford Falls High as Dance Floor Opens Over Pool

bedford

Dec 20

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