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By the Hon. Rufus Peckham, Editor, Carbolic Smoke Ball
Dear Readers:
Thousands of you have asked me to repeat the inspirational story about the Christmases I spent in the orphanage. So grab a cup of hot cocoa and sit back — I call it, “A Christmas Come True.”
When I was eight years old, my cruel, heartless parents abandoned me on the doorstep of St. Dominick the Donkey Home for Wayward Boys. Even there I was unwanted – they tried to trade me for an orphan to be named later.
The dank and squalor of the orphanage left me sick and emaciated, and the headmaster beat me so frequently I had contusions atop my bruises.
As the holidays approached, I had abandoned any hope of receiving even one gift.
On Christmas morning, the sores from my beatings awakened me early, so I limped down the hall where, to my amazement, I saw a giant Christmas tree surrounded by gifts for all the boys.
I ran to it with elation, as fast as my broken body could move.
I frantically searched through every package under that tree. And I found — that there wasn’t a single present for me!
Merry Christmas to all!
NEW YORK - Former Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Bill Cowher issued a fatwa against Tennessee Titans linebacker Keith Bulluck after Bulluck stomped on a Terrible Towel at the conclusion of Sunday afternoon’s game against the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Mr. Cowher issued the fatwa from his chair on the set of The NFL Today. “It is the sacred duty of every good Steeler fan, of every member of Steelers nation, to kill Keith Bulluck,” he said in a serene voice.
“To defile a sacred relic such as the Towel is to forfeit one’s life. So it is written, so it shall be done.”
LONDON - Alvin, the so-called “cute” Chipmunk, was found dead in his London hotel room this morning following a night of debauchery with his German girlfriend.
According to toxicology reports released by Alvin’s personal veterinarian, the singing rodent died in his bed after consuming a massive quantity of wine and nine Vesperax sleeping pills.
A representative for Mr. David Seville, manager of the beloved group, issued the following statement: “It is believed that Alvin most likely choked to death on his own vomit. Or, perhaps it was an acorn.” The two surviving members of the Chipmunks were unavailable for comment.
“Um, I really don’t care that it was a ‘first.’ What the hell is a ‘Noel’?”
TEHRAN - Hasbro, Inc. will expedite shipments of its popular “Tickle Me Khomeini” doll to Iran this week after hundreds of holiday shoppers were injured while waiting in line to obtain one of the much sought-after dolls.
The cuddly, plush, “Tickle Me Khomeini” features the Grand Imam with his customary stern visage. Whenever its belly is rubbed, the doll emits a sustained, high-pitch giggle.
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made an urgent appeal for calm this morning. Appearing on state television, the President sought to assure nervous parents that his government was doing everything possible to ensure sufficient quantities of the doll would be available for the holidays.
Read our special Christmas Edition here.
THESSALONIA, Ohio - A letter from Saint Paul to the Thessalonians finally arrived at its apparent destination, two thousand years late.
“We’ve been waiting for this for a long time,” said Thessalonia Mayor Hubert P. Goodsimple, clutching the tattered, yellowed note. ”When the mailman handed the envelope to me, and I saw the handwriting in the upper left corner, I figured it had to be from Saint Paul. Then I saw the postmark from Tarsus, and I said to myself, ‘Ah ha! I knew I was right!’”
Mayor Goodsimple promised to have a public reading of the letter “soon,” and in the meantime gave it to an aide and ordered him to write a memorandum summarizing the important parts. “I’m tied up in meetings all day with the Rotary Club and am really pressed for time,” he explained.
THESSALONIA, Ohio - Theologians are calling Saint Paul’s third letter to the Thessalonians, lost in the mail for 2,000 years and finally opened last night, a “bombshell” because it urges that Christ be kept out of Christmas.
The letter, written in Saint Paul’s hand, was finally delivered Saturday to Thessalonia, Ohio, by the U.S. Postal Service. After examining it, Thessalonia’s mayor, Hubert P. Goodsimple, concluded that it was meant for “the other Thessalonia.”
Nevertheless, the Mayor said that the Ohio town, population 2,155, intends to keep the letter and display it in the local public library, next to a 1962 letter sent to the local Rotary Club by Moe Howard of the Three Stooges. Mr. Howard’s letter was written to cancel a public appearance by the Stooges.
Obituary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Editor, the Honorable Rufus Peckham
Traitorous FBI agent W. Mark Felt, who in 2005 slithered out from the excrement of prevarication that encrusted his wretched being to reveal that he was the “Deep Throat” of Watergate fame, is dead, finally, at 95.
The liberal elite, who for 35 years sought to dupe Western Civilization into thinking that the Watergate cover-up and rampant criminality of the Nixon administration were somehow “wrong,” staunchly opposed any felony charges being brought against turncoat Felt for betraying the commander in chief.
No less a moral authority than G. Gordon Liddy declared Felt guilty of violating the ethics of the law enforcement profession when he fed information to Bob Woodward that helped topple the Nixon administration. (It is, of course, completely beside the point that Felt was sneaking around parking garages with Woodward because of the criminal actions of Liddy and his ilk, not to mention the President of the United States.)
Jewish advocacy groups say pick shows “deep level of chutzpah”
WASHINGTON, DC - President-elect Barack Obama yesterday defended his choice of a popular anti-Semitic filmmaker to direct a feature-length documentary of his inauguration, rejecting critics who say the pick slights Jews.
The selection of Mel Gibson brought objections from Jewish advocacy groups, who strongly supported Obama during the election. The advocates are angry over Gibson’s direction of “The Passion of the Christ,” his father’s infamous Holocaust denials, and his plans to star in the upcoming “Lethal Weapon 5: The Final Solution.”
But Obama told reporters that America “needs to come together,” even when there is disagreement on “issues like the equality and possible extermination of certain ethnicities.”
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