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President promises “I’ll do my best,” reminds reporters, “Hey, I inherited this mess.”
“Abu Dhabi Doo!” – FRED FLINTSTONE, Sheikh, Abu Dhabi
WASHINGTON – United States Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano said that “the system worked” on December 7, 1941 when the Japanese military attacked the American naval fleet at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii.
“The Pearl Harbor attack couldn’t have gone any better,” she gushed on CNN. “The way that our men who survived the attack scrambled to avoid being killed, the fact that California wasn’t also attacked, our clean-up effort to dispose of the bodies — you name it, it was just a rip-roaring success all around.”
Experts agree that will be difficult because the Bengals and Jets play each other.
Artist’s renderings: on left, how average woman views herself as she passes through a full body imaging scanner. On right, how average man views himself passing through the same scanner.
Charles Dickens might well have been referring to 2009 when he famously wrote: ”It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.” Here is Carbolic Smoke Ball’s recap of this awful year:
NATIONAL NEWS
The new administration:
•The United States saw an historic changing of the guard in January when its first black president took up residence in the White House. Two weeks before the inauguration, President-elect Barack Obama made a triumphant entry into Washington, D.C. riding an ass while an exultant crowd waved palm branches in his path.
•Political commentators lauded President Obama’s inaugural address for not producing any memorable lines, as well as for the absence of eloquence, form, structure, and cohesiveness. One presidential rhetoric expert hailed the speech as a landmark: “In its absence of meaning, President Obama’s speech gave meaning to absence.”
•The inaugural festivities were marred by the seizure suffered by Sen. Ted Kennedy during the dignitaries’ luncheon in the Capitol Building. Kennedy was rushed to a hospital, but fortunately, Pennsylvania’s Governor Ed Rendell was available to finish off Kennedy’s meal.
•The most talked about moment of the day came when Howard Stern found his new “Stuttering John” — Chief Justice John Roberts, who flubbed the oath so badly that Obama had to be brought back that night to retake it. Senator Kennedy was also brought back to have another seizure. This time, the oath took, and Obama was unquestionably president. The rise of the oceans began to slow, and young people hailed Obama’s inauguration a “life altering event.” That, and the Jonas Brothers’ concert film. After dinner the first night in office, the President’s mother-in-law commandeered Air Force One to whisk her to Tuesday night bingo in Chicago.
•Quickly, the new administration’s cabinet took shape. Secretary of the Treasury-designate Timothy Geithner put his tax problems behind him and was sworn in using tax cheat Al Capone’s bible.
•President Obama made his mark on the national consciousness. Ohio welder Noah Swayne, 27, and his buddies played a game in which they each took a shot of Jack Daniels every time the President said the word “look” in a press conference. Doctors attribute Mr. Swayne’s alcoholism to one particular April press conference.
•The new administration suffered its share of gaffes. The White House apologized after it panicked New York City with an Air Force One photo-op flyover of the Statue of Liberty. Two weeks later, it apologized to Hiroshima for its Enola Gay photo-op flyover.
•Vice President Joe Biden panicked the nation when he called for the evacuation of all confined spaces where air doesn’t circulate, especially airplanes and think tanks.
•House Speaker Nancy Pelosi found herself in the eye of a political maelstrom when she claimed she was unaware that the Bush administration tortured war prisoners. Her claim was cast into question when it was revealed that she serves as technical advisor for the “Saw” film series.
•President Obama convened a “beer summit” with Cambridge, Mass. Police Sgt. James Crowley and the man he arrested, Prof. Henry Louis Gates Jr. in a racially charged altercation. Crowley and Gates soon hit it off when they checked into a detoxification unit, blaming the beer summit.
•In October, President Obama deployed 40,000 troops to Fox News’ Rockefeller Center headquarters in a stunning surprise attack that quickly wrested control of the conservative cable television news channel from Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation and placed it in the hands of the Obama White House. President Obama appeared on television, with his Nobel Peace Prize slung around his neck, to solemnly announce the start of the war: “My fellow Americans, on my orders, at this moment, American and coalition forces are in the early stages of military operations to liberate the airwaves from Fox News’ atrocities against the truth regarding this administration’s record.”
•On Halloween, Linus and President Obama waited in the pumpkin patch for the Great Pumpkin and change, respectively.
•Immediately upon returning from Denmark where he unsuccessfully appealed to the International Olympic Committee to choose Chicago as host of the 2016 Olympic Games, President Obama traveled to Coney Island to make a personal plea to the International Federation of Competitive Eating to bring Nathan’s International July Fourth Hot Dog Eating Contest to Chicago in 2016.
VATICAN CITY – The Pittsburgh Steelers have signed the woman who jumped a barricade in St. Peter’s Basilica and knocked Pope Benedict XVI to the floor at the start of midnight Mass.
Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin said the woman will be used to plug up the team’s biggest weakness, the pass defense. She will start in this week’s game against the Ravens.
“We were very, very impressed with the video we saw from Vatican City,” said Tomlin. “After Mass, I telephoned the Holy Father, who confirmed that she landed a good, solid hit. He assured me she’s the real deal, and may be our only hope of making the playoffs.”
ROME – Italian police discovered a papal tackle dummy in the basement of the woman who leaped over a barrier inside Saint Peter’s Basilica and assaulted Pope Benedict XVI at the start of Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve.
“We have reason to believe that the tackle dummy represents the Pope because the dummy is wearing a Papal mitre and has the word ‘Pope’ written on its shirt,” said Commander Rudolfo Lassparri of the Rome Police Department.
The discovery of the tackle dummy led police to conclude that the attack on the Pontiff was premeditated.
By the Hon. Rufus Peckham, Editor, Carbolic Smoke Ball
Dear Readers: Thousands of you have asked me to repeat the inspirational story about the Christmases I spent in the orphanage. So grab a cup of hot cocoa and sit back. I call it, “A Christmas Come True.”
NORTH POLE – Santa Claus, jolly head of an Upper-Arctic toy and novelty empire, was seriously injured yesterday when the Norelco Razor he was riding collided with a pine tree.
Police said the force of the collision threw Mr. Claus nearly twenty yards from the razor. He was found unconscious in a snow bank. Authorities said Mr. Claus was not wearing a seat belt. Police found an empty bottle of scotch and a loaded revolver inside the glove compartment of the razor.
Mr. Claus was put in an immobilizer, placed on a stretcher, and taken by helicopter to North Pole Suburban General. The results of toxicology tests were unavailable at press time. Mr. Claus remains in critical condition.
TEHRAN – Hasbro, Inc. will expedite shipments of its popular “Tickle Me Khomeini” doll to Iran this week after hundreds of holiday shoppers were injured while waiting in line to obtain one of the much sought-after dolls.
The cuddly, plush, “Tickle Me Khomeini” features the Grand Imam with his customary stern visage. Whenever its belly is rubbed, the doll emits a sustained, high-pitch giggle.
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made an urgent appeal for calm this morning. Appearing on state television, the President sought to assure nervous parents that his government was doing everything possible to ensure sufficient quantities of the doll would be available for the holidays.
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