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Recent News Items
- Obama Admits He’s Pals With William Ayers, Vows to Have Ex-Terrorist Serve America by Bombing Wall Street
- Hecklers Call For Palin to Iron Their Shirts - And She Does It
- Carbolic Opinion Poll
- Underdog Scientists Win Nobel Prize for Chemistry, Winners Celebrate With Champagne Baths, Victory Cigars
- CAMPAIGN TRAIL SHOCKER: Obama Announces He’s Dropping Out of Race, Going on Tour With Ann Wilson
- McCain Caught on Video Using Hate Speech to Select a Donut
- AIG Execs Defend Swanky Junket, Say No Bailout Money Used to Pay For Event
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Reports From the Trail
Asked what might happen to the city’s fragile mental state if the White Sox are eliminated too, Mayor Daley replied, “The who?”
Neurologists call frenetic speed, rhythm of candidates’ delivery “greatest televised threat” to public health since Wang Chung’s “Everybody Have Fun Tonight” video
ST. LOUIS - The Commission on Presidential Debates allowed Sarah Palin to pick her own moderator for last night’s Vice Presidential debate to balance Gwen Ifill, whose partiality was called into question when it was revealed she is writing a flattering book about Barack Obama. Palin chose Saint Paul, co-author of the New Testament and apostle to the Gentiles.
Palin told the Commission that she had met Saint Paul in 2006 at a book signing for his best seller “Letter to Timothy” at Borders Books in Juneau and was “very impressed with his knowledge of the Bible, doggone it.” She also vouched for his impartiality: “I am certain that Saint Paul will be fair to both me, a devout Christian, and Senator Biden, whose compromises with his purported faith are legion.”
When the debate started, Saint Paul quickly became the focus of attention due to his peculiar behavior. Halfway through Senator Biden’s first response, Saint Paul put his hands over his ears and shouted at the top of lungs: ”You are a resounding gong and a clanging cymbal. Please, please shut up, you twit!” A stunned Gwen Ifill motioned for the debate to continue as if nothing happened.
Reclusive candy magnate Willy Wonka acknowledges some of company’s Oompa Loompas “may have been rescued from Hunan Province”
ST. LOUIS - Every day since the Republican National Convention, Professor Henry Higgins has tutored Sarah Palin to speak fluently on domestic and foreign policy issues in the hope of proving his boast that “I’ll make a vice president of that barbarous wretch.”
Insiders reveal that Higgins brutally reprimands Palin during their daily sessions. In a recent mock debate he challenged her to cite specific examples of how John McCain has pushed for more regulation over financial institutions. Palin’s answer, ”I’ll try to find you some, and I’ll bring them to you,” prompted a a typical Higgins tirade: “You incarnate insult to Democracy!”
“A woman who utters such disgusting, depressing noises as you do is fit to exist only in Alaska, where her caterwauling could pass for the yipping-yapping howl of the coyote.”
LAS VEGAS - After O.J. Simpson’s counsel rested in Mr. Simpson’s robbery trial, Mr. Simpson realized for the first time that Judge Lance Ito, the jurist who presided over his celebrated 1995 murder trial, is not presiding.
“Hey, where the hell’s Lance?” a startled Mr. Simpson exclaimed as he glanced up and saw Clark County District Court Judge Jackie Glass on the bench. “What’s going on here?” he asked his attorney Yale Galanter. “Is this some kind of joke?”
Mr. Galanter explained that Judge Ito, a Los Angeles Superior Court Judge, has no jurisdiction over the present charges. Mr. Simpson was heard angrily reprimanding Mr. Galanter. “We’re finished! Do you hear me? Didn’t I tell you to assemble the old gang? That’s the only way we can win this thing. I don’t know what the hell you were thinking.
“I’ve wanted to be a hedge-fund manager ever since I was a little boy,” said Cornelius Dunn, first-year student at Carnegie Mellon University’s Tepper School of Business. “If Congress won’t approve a bailout, what will become of my dreams?”
OMAHA - Noah Swayne, Jr., 17, became the 16th child under Nebraska’s new safe haven law to be legally abandoned by his parents. The law allows parents to sever parental relations with any child up to age 17 for any or no reason by dropping him off at a hospital.
The boy’s parents, Noah and Donna Swayne, staunch Obama supporters, explained they “had no choice” but to sever all ties with their son because Donna caught him, in her words, “relishing his hot dog” to an Internet video of a swimsuit-clad Sarah Palin competing in a 1984 beauty pageant.
“We have always taught our former son to be completely tolerant, which means to despise and belittle anti-choice Christians, the Second Amendment, and anyone who doesn’t believe in global warming,” explained Noah Swayne, Sr. ”The very idea that he finds that — that — gun-toting, Christian wacko to be sexually arousing was too much for us to bear, so he had to go.”
BAGHDAD - The new Iraqi television season begins this evening with the premiere of “The Sunni and Shia Comedy Hour,” featuring the talents of Sunni Bono and his long-time wife and show-business partner, Shia.
Sunni and Shia have not performed on Iraqi television since the 1977 Iraqi Emmy Awards, when they were honored for their contribution to Arabic entertainment. After receiving their award, which was presented by then-President Saddam Hussein, they proceeded to douse the dictator with seltzer water and smash a cream pie in his face.
Security forces immediately arrested the pair. They spent the next twenty years in prison.
Congressional aide: “Nobody’s package is big enough for Barney!”
High school boys up in arms over lack of cases involving molestations by female teachers this semester.
RIVER CITY - Both Senator John McCain and Senator Barack Obama were able to put aside their many differences last night and agree that the time has come to eradicate a vice that has the young people of this fair Midwest American town in its grips: pool.
“Oh, you’ve got trouble, right here in River City,” said Senator John McCain, “with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for pool!”
Senator McCain launched into his anti-pool tirade in response to a question posed by Professor Harold Hill, a peripatetic music man who makes his living selling instruments. Professor Hill wanted to know what both men saw as the greatest threat to the moral well-being of American youth. Senator Obama quickly agreed with his opponent.
“I’m thinking of the kids in the knickerbockers, shirt-tail young ones, peeking in the pool hall after school, folks. What do they see? Libertine men and scarlet women!”
Senator Obama promised that, if elected, he would make Federal funding for boys’ marching bands a top priority in the first budget he submits to Congress. “And I’m going to put you in charge of all the money, Professor Hill,” he added, inciting wild applause.
Not to be outdone, Senator McCain vowed to deploy American military forces in response to the danger of unsupervised pool. “With five brigades, we can wipe out the threat of pool, and win this battle once and for all.”
ST. LOUIS - Sen. Joe Biden stunned officials of the Commission on Presidential Debates when he stripped naked at the weigh-in for the Vice Presidential debate, a move he said was necessary in order to make weight.
Ring girls quickly held up a banner to hide Biden’s private parts, but Biden slapped it down and raised his arms in what one writer called a “triumphant display of masculinity.”
Sarah Palin, waiting in the wings, was reportedly “livid” that Biden subjected her to the sight of his genitalia. “But it confirmed what I suspected,” she said. “You know what they say about men from tiny states who make big gaffes.”
Horse: “My equine friends snicker and ask me if I’m ‘hung like a Harry Potter.’”
Digital image specialists finally decode long-thought-doctored photo, discover real face hidden beneath Lee Harvey Oswald’s; Kennedy Family declines comment; Harry Whittington declares, “I knew it!”
“We haven’t had time to do a lot of polling on this plan, so we had no idea how it would affect our re-election campaigns,” said one representative who asked not to be identified (see photo at left). ”We’re not crazy, you know.”
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