The so-called “is it hot enough for ya?” bill was approved by overwhelming assent in both chambers.  President Obama signed the bill late yesterday.

 During the signing ceremony in the Rose Garden, he was flanked by Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Attorney General Eric Holder who sought to keep the Commander in Chief cool by fanning him with giant palm fronds.  It is believed to be the first time in the nations history that the President signed a bill into law wearing only his boxer shorts and a sleeveless undershirt.

“I am pleased to announce that with this new law, the American people residing along the Atlantic seaboard who are enduring unbearable suffering and inconvenience with these record-breaking temperatures will no longer have to endure the insipid, banal drivel used by the conversationally-challenged,” said the President.  “From now on, if you ask somebody is it hot enough for you, you’re going to jail.”

When a reporter asked Mr. Obama about potential challenges by the ACLU and other civil liberties groups concerning the legislation’s impact on traditional first amendment freedoms, the President was quick to respond.  “You know what? The ACLU can go s— in their hat.  It’s too damn hot!”

“I’ve been telling my residents the past couple of days that people in Philadelphia want ice water, too,” he joked with host Jim Cantore.  “But seriously, we have this kind of weather year round.”

Mr. Cantore asked if there were any notable differences.   “Well, for one thing, you don’t have to deal with brimstone up here.  We’re under a brimstone warning, or a brimstone watch basically 24-7.  And of course, there’s the daily showers of fire that our people deal with. But you get used to it. Hey, we’ve got no choice!”

Evening Edition co-host Alexandra Steele asked Mr. Lucifer if he had any advice for people along the Atlantic seaboard struggling to cope with the oppressive temperatures.

“Remember, everything is relative. There is always some place where things are worse,” he said, with a wink.   He added that he hoped everyone watching would refrain from drinking water for the duration of the heat wave, and encouraged all viewers to engage in strenuous outdoor activities, particularly those people with a history of heart problems or breathing disorders, before he bade Cantore and Steele farewell.

WFP Managing Director Noah Swayne was indignant over Haiti’s reaction: “Listen, I got a choice between a 7.0 quake and an 8.8 quake, and that’s a no-brainer, OK?  It’s like going from Podunk Community Theater to Broadway.  Haiti served us well, but Chile’s where the action is, brother. I got to go where we’ll get the most exposure, get it?”

Meanwhile the Obama administration is getting high marks for its handling of the tsunami triggered by the Chilean quake.  White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said: “Unlike Katrina, this past Saturday under President Obama’s watch, the levees in Hawaii worked, thus sparing the lives of all 1.3 million people who live in our 50th state,” said Gibbs.

President Obama briefly addressed reporters and said that the tsunami “underscores the urgency for health care reform as countless hard-working Hawaiians who evacuated to higher ground were without essential medical supplies for the two hours they were away from their homes.” 

 The President added that “the failed policies of these past eight years” led to both the earthquake and the tsunami. He quickly corrected himself. “I don’t mean to include this past year. Whenever I talk about failures that occurred ‘these past eight years,’ whether in this context or any other, please understand I am always referring to my predecessor’s administration, regardless of when the failures actually occurred.”

Obama administration officials concluded that the earthquake was caused by climate change.  “The Chilean plates shifted because the earth’s crust is being super-heated by global warming,” explained Vice President Joe Biden on Face the Nation. “Think of a pie that’s been left in the oven too long, or something.  The fact of the matter is, everybody knows I love pie.”

The Obama administration has dispatched New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin to Chile to head up the disaster relief effort based on his track record in the Hurricane Katrina disaster.

Former President Bush issued a statement: “I am relieved that I wasn’t the guy in charge when this Chile thing hit. The last thing I’d want to be blamed for is another crisis in Louisiana.”

Mr. Kelly made his remarks in a rare prime-time appearance on his own network.

“Like many of you, I am disappointed in the performance of the weather during the recently completed hurricane season. We know that fans of destructive storms, and I count myself among them, look forward to each new season with great anticipation, so when storms fall short of expectations, whether it be in terms of property damage, or loss of life, we all feel cheated. 

“Lackluster weather such as we have endured from the Atlantic Basin and the Caribbean over the course of the past six months is unacceptable, and I want you to know that we here at the Weather Channel are committed to doing something about it.”

Mr. Kelly said his staff has assured him that the coming winter months will provide numerous opportunities for historic snow-related fatalities. However, he was quick to add that he didn’t mean to suggest that blizzards could ever achieve the kind of popularity levels associated with hurricanes.

“I understand that frozen precipitation just doesn’t have the same mass appeal as torrential rains.”

It is unclear whether Mr. Kelly’s mea culpa will satisfy disgruntled Weather Channel fans.

To make matters worse, his comments pre-empted the final installment of a five-part Weather Channel documentary on the history of barometric pressure, sending viewers into fits of rage and flooding the Weather Channel switchboard with complaints.

The Weather Channel issued a press release early this morning announcing that the episode in question would be shown in its entirety following this evening’s panel discussion on radiational cooling.

“I walked outside and my first reaction was, ‘What’s going on here?” Swayne explained.  “Somebody needs to take a stand about this, and it’s going to be me.”  Swayne’s goal is to obtain 400,000 signatures. 

“The worst part about the whole damn thing is that the kids don’t have any idea what they’re missing.  That’s why I make sure to tell every child I come across, ‘You should have seen the autumnal equinox in the old days!  It would come roaring in like thunder, and it hit us like a refreshing wall of invigorating bliss.’”

Swayne said his next project is Christmas, “because that really stinks lately, too.”

In August 2005, New Orleans ordered large scale evacuations after Hurricane Katrina’s storm surge caused the city’s levees to burst.  Mr. Domino heroically acted as a human cork to plug one of the major breaches, all the while singing, “Ain’t that a shame?”

Last night on televistion, frothing at the mouth and shouting at the top of his lungs, Mr. Domino accused the Fargo residents who evacuated of “having zero originality — I mean none!”  He said he found it “very telling” that the Fargo evacuation was prompted by “an alleged failure of a levee — hmm, I wonder where they got that idea?”

Mr. Domino said he is consulting with his lawyers to see if New Orleans has a legal cause of action against Fargo for theft of ideas.  ”Allowing Fargo to evacuate is unacceptable because it trivializes what happened in New Orleans,” he said.

“I think it’s important for someone to take a stand on this,” he said.

Swayne explained:  “I grab every young person I come across and tell them, ‘You should have seen the vernal equinox in the old days!’” Swayne’s eyes teared up. “Back then, springtime came roaring in like thunder and hit us like a wave of balmy bliss.”

Swayne said it is his wish that high temperatures in early spring be in the low ’60’s.