Local Man Incensed That Autumnal Equinox Isn’t What It Used To Be

PITTSBURGH - Popular bon vivant and outdoorsman Noah Swayne is spearheading a petition drive to express his extreme and palpable displeasure that the temperature on the first day of autumn felt exactly like summer.

“I walked outside and my first reaction was, ‘What’s going on here?” Swayne explained.  “Somebody needs to take a stand about this, and it’s got to be me.”  Swayne’s goal is to obtain 400,000 signatures. 

“The worst part about it is that the kids don’t have any idea what they’re missing.  That’s why I make sure to tell every child I come across, ‘You should have seen the autumnal equinox in the old days!  It would come roaring in like thunder, and it hit us like a wall of cool, invigorating bliss.’”

Swayne said his next project is Christmas, “because that really stinks lately, too.”

Sep 23

Hurricane Ike Leaves Two Pigs Homeless; Building Inspector Says Structures Made of Sticks, Straw No Match For Powerful Storm

GALVESTON - Authorities assessing damage to the region following last weekend’s powerful storm report that two of the three homes built by local pigs are no longer standing. The homes are identified on the Galveston real estate web site as owned by Ira Pig and his brother Stanley.

City Building Inspector Edward Alexander visited remnants of the structures this morning and met with reporters afterward. “The homes are completely uninhabitable,” said Alexander.

“If only those pigs had followed the advice of our department, they wouldn’t find themselves on the street now, at the mercy of hungry, pork-loving predators.”

Read more

Sep 19

Obama Apologizes for Hurricane Ike

“When I won the Democratic nomination, I promised that the rise of the oceans would begin to slow,” the Illinois Senator said.  ”But I guess that won’t actually happen until I’m elected president.”

Sep 15

Davy Crockett Announces He Will Fight For Texas; Famed Frontiersman Says Hurricane Ike Will Be No Match for “Ol Betsy”

GALVESTON - With Hurricane Ike bearing down on this embattled city, Mayor Tom Lean held a news conference to announce that help is on the way.

“I received a letter this day from our good friend Davy Crockett informing me that he, along with twenty-two other men from the great state of Tennessee, are coming to join our fight against Hurricane Ike.

“I am confident the presence of this authentic American hero will allow us to carry the day. I am therefore suspending all evacuation notices and urging all citizens to return to their homes.”

Read more

Sep 12

Weather Channel Hires Tina Turner as Special Correspondent; Singer to File First-Hand Accounts of Surviving Ike’s Terror

ATLANTA - The Weather Channel has hired singer Tina Turner as a special correspondent to file reports on Hurricane Ike, who is delivering a heavy beating to Cuba as we go to press and is expected to batter the United States when he arrives sometime later this week.

Weather Channel Hurricane expert Dr. Greg Forbes said Ms. Turner is “the logical choice” to report on Ike’s “rain” of terror. 

“Ike is packing quite a punch right now, and it appears he will be administering a heavy blow to the Southeast coast.  As someone who has absorbed, and survived, the kind of terrifying punishment that Ike can dish out, Ms. Turner will provide an example of the enduring qualities of the human spirit to viewers and victims who may be facing his wrath in the days ahead.”

Read more

Sep 9

Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly Faults Failed Immigration Policy For Letting Gustav In

“If our borders were secure, this never would have happened.”

Sep 2

President Bush Consoles Gulf Coast In the Wake Of Gustav: “I Will Get the Man Who Did This.”

Sep 1

New Orleans Implements Plan Designed to Save the City: Citizens Stay, Mayor Nagin Evacuates Himself

McCain cancels most first day activities of  GOP Convention due to Hurricane Gustav; Senator hoping for other disasters so he can cancel the rest of it.

Aug 31

Today’s Forecast for Georgia: Partly Cloudy with an 80% Chance of Invasion

Aug 12

  • About Carbolic

    “One of America’s great web sites.” Brian O'Neill, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

    “The city’s equivalent of The Onion.” Ian Urbina, The New York Times

    “This stuff is better than The Onion.” Tony Norman, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

    “They’re some of the world’s funniest men, and they deserve our attention.” Rick Sebak, PBS/WQED Multimedia

    Carbolic on Air

    The Carbolic Smoke Ball Report airs every Friday — mornings with Jim Krenn and Randy Baumann, afternoons with Sean McDowell — on Pittsburgh’s top-rated radio station, 102.5 WDVE. Listen to the broadcasts here, and sample the archives here.


    Carbolic in Print

    The Carbolic Smoke Ball Page publishes every Monday in the Trib p.m., the afternoon edition of the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review. Read this week's copy here, and browse our archives here.


    Contact Carbolic

    thejudge@carbolicsmoke.com

    Carbolic Smoke Ball Staff

    Tim Murray, Founder/Editor-in-Chief
    Bob Haas, Editor
    Chad Hermann, Editorial Director
    • • •
    Sean Cannon, Ace Reporter
    Neal Rosenblat, Writer/Designer
    Todd Shaffer, Staff Writer
    • • •
    Timothy Stefko, Illustrator
    The Voice, Radio Correspondent
    The Mayor, Radio Personality
    • • •
    The Hon. Judge Rufus Peckham, Founder Emeritus

    Carbolic Wear


    Carbolic WDVE Podcast