Blog Archives

Get your “I Survived the Polar Vortex and All I Got was this Damned Frostbite” hand now!

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Posted in Weather

CSB Tips to Keep Warm this Winter

Facing sub-zero temperatures this week, Americans are being urged to follow these fun and unconventional techniques to keep warm: Set ovens to “Self-clean mode” and keep the door open. Pipes could freeze, keep your hair dyer on high and rest

Posted in Environment, Health, Local News, U.S. News, Weather

CNN: Oklahoma Tornado Linked to Boston Bombings

Posted in Commentary, Fact Check, U.S. News, Weather

New Law Makes It A Crime To Ask ‘Is It Hot Enough For Ya?’

WASHINGTON – Congress passed emergency legislation yesterday making it a Federal offence for anyone residing east of the Mississippi river to inquire of anyone whether or not the temperature outside is agreeable.  The law will remain in effect for the duration of

Posted in Extras, Politics, U.S. News, Weather

Lucifer Tells The Weather Channel: “We Have This Weather Year Round”

ATLANTA – Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness and Ruler of Hell, made a special guest appearance last night on The Weather Channel’s Evening Edition to offer his own unique perspective on the heat wave that is gripping much of the

Posted in Extras, Religion, U.S. News, Weather

Scientists Pinpoint Source of Massive Ash Cloud Over Europe

Posted in Science, Weather

UN Earthquake Relief Organization Angers Haiti By Listing Chile As “Hot,” Haiti As “Not”

SANTIAGO – Following Saturday’s 8.8 magnitude Chilean earthquake, the UN’s World Food Programme, charged with providing relief services in Haiti following last month’s 7.0 magnitude earthquake there, angered Haitians by posting a list of “What’s Hot, What’s Not” on its Web site. Under the “Hot” column, the WFP listed “Hoodies, Taylor Lautner,

Posted in International News, Weather

Bush Joins Earthquake Relief Effort

“I was relieved that I wasn’t the guy in charge when this Haiti thing hit.  The last thing I’d want to be blamed for is another crisis in Louisiana.”

Posted in Politics, U.S. News, Weather

Weather Channel President Issues Apology For Lackluster Hurricane Season

ATLANTA – Weather Channel President Mike Kelly issued a public apology last night for what he called a “lackluster” hurricane season. Mr. Kelly made his remarks in a rare prime-time appearance on his own network. “Like many of you, I am

Posted in Weather

Local Man Incensed That Autumnal Equinox Isn’t What It Used To Be

PITTSBURGH – Popular local bon vivant and outdoorsman Noah Swayne is spearheading a petition drive to express his “extreme and palpable displeasure that the temperature on the first day of autumn felt exactly like summer.” “I walked outside and my first reaction was,

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“Fats” Domino Condemns Fargo for “Stealing” Evacuation Idea from New Orleans

NEW ORLEANS – Rock and roll icon Antoine Dominique “Fats” Domino took to the New Orleans airwaves last night to excoriate the “copycats” in Fargo, North Dakota who “pilfered New Orleans’ idea” by evactuating a portion of the city after cracks were found in

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Posted in U.S. News, Weather

Local Man Livid That The Vernal Equinox Isn’t What It Used To Be

PITTSBURGH – Popular outdoorsman, adventurer and bon vivant Noah Swayne is livid that temperatures on the first day of spring are only in the 40s. Swayne is spearheading a petition drive to express his “extreme and palpable” displeasure with a goal

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Al Gore: “Only Uninformed, Anti-Science Conservatives Think it Snowed in Atlanta Yesterday”

“The debate is over,” former Vice President says.

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Posted in U.S. News, Weather

Al Gore Subs for Groundhog

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA – Groundhog Day revelers waiting to learn if Punxsutawney Phil would see his shadow were shocked yesterday morning when the famous rodent’s handlers reached into his burrow and pulled out Al Gore instead. Mr. Gore, who declared Phil’s prognostications

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Posted in Science, Weather

Obama Takes Oath of Office; Rise of Oceans Begins to Slow

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Posted in International News, Politics, U.S. News, Weather

Hurricane Ike Leaves Two Pigs Homeless; Building Inspector Says Structures Made of Sticks, Straw No Match For Powerful Storm

GALVESTON – Authorities assessing damage to the region following last weekend’s powerful storm report that two of the three homes built by local pigs are no longer standing. The homes are identified on the Galveston real estate web site as

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Posted in Weather

Obama Apologizes for Hurricane Ike

“When I won the Democratic nomination, I promised that the rise of the oceans would begin to slow,” the Illinois Senator said.  “But I guess that won’t actually happen until I’m elected president.”

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Posted in Derision 2008, Politics, U.S. News, Weather

Davy Crockett Announces He Will Fight For Texas; Famed Frontiersman Says Hurricane Ike Will Be No Match for “Ol Betsy”

GALVESTON – With Hurricane Ike bearing down on this embattled city, Mayor Tom Lean held a news conference to announce that help is on the way. “I received a letter this day from our good friend Davy Crockett informing me that

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Posted in Weather

Weather Channel Hires Tina Turner as Special Correspondent; Singer to File First-Hand Accounts of Surviving Ike’s Terror

ATLANTA – The Weather Channel has hired singer Tina Turner as a special correspondent to file reports on Hurricane Ike, who is delivering a heavy beating to Cuba as we go to press and is expected to batter the United

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Posted in Entertainment, Weather

Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly Faults Failed Immigration Policy For Letting Gustav In

“If our borders were secure, this never would have happened.”

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Posted in U.S. News, Weather
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