New Law Makes It A Crime To Ask ‘Is It Hot Enough For Ya?’

thermometerWASHINGTON – Congress passed emergency legislation yesterday making it a Federal offence for anyone residing east of the Mississippi river to inquire of anyone whether or not the temperature outside is agreeable.  The law will remain in effect for the duration of the oppressive heat wave.

The so-called “is it hot enough for ya?” bill was approved by overwhelming assent in both chambers.  President Obama signed the bill late yesterday.

 During the signing ceremony in the Rose Garden, he was flanked by Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Attorney General Eric Holder who sought to keep the Commander in Chief cool by fanning him with giant palm fronds.  It is believed to be the first time in the nations history that the President signed a bill into law wearing only his boxer shorts and a sleeveless undershirt.

“I am pleased to announce that with this new law, the American people residing along the Atlantic seaboard who are enduring unbearable suffering and inconvenience with these record-breaking temperatures will no longer have to endure the insipid, banal drivel used by the conversationally-challenged,” said the President.  “From now on, if you ask somebody is it hot enough for you, you’re going to jail.”

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Jul 8

Lucifer Tells The Weather Channel: “We Have This Weather Year Round”

A devilATLANTA – Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness and Ruler of Hell, made a special guest appearance last night on The Weather Channel’s Evening Edition to offer his own unique perspective on the heat wave that is gripping much of the East Coast.

“I’ve been telling my residents the past couple of days that people in Philadelphia want ice water, too,” he joked with host Jim Cantore.  “But seriously, we have this kind of weather year round.”

Mr. Cantore asked if there were any notable differences.   “Well, for one thing, you don’t have to deal with brimstone up here.  We’re under a brimstone warning, or a brimstone watch basically 24-7.  And of course, there’s the daily showers of fire that our people deal with. But you get used to it. Hey, we’ve got no choice!”

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Jul 7

Scientists Pinpoint Source of Massive Ash Cloud Over Europe

obama smoking

Apr 19

UN Earthquake Relief Organization Angers Haiti By Listing Chile As “Hot,” Haiti As “Not”

28quake_CA0-articleLargeSANTIAGO - Following Saturday’s 8.8 magnitude Chilean earthquake, the UN’s World Food Programme, charged with providing relief services in Haiti following last month’s 7.0 magnitude earthquake there, angered Haitians by posting a list of “What’s Hot, What’s Not” on its Web site. Under the “Hot” column, the WFP listed “Hoodies, Taylor Lautner, and Chile.”  Under the “Not” column, it listed “Tiger Woods, the Jonas Brothers, and Haiti.”  Late last night, the WFP further enraged Haitians by making what one observer called “a mad exodus” from that Caribbean country to redirect all its efforts in Chile

WFP Managing Director Noah Swayne was indignant over Haiti’s reaction: “Listen, I got a choice between a 7.0 quake and an 8.8 quake, and that’s a no-brainer, OK?  It’s like going from Podunk Community Theater to Broadway.  Haiti served us well, but Chile’s where the action is, brother. I got to go where we’ll get the most exposure, get it?”

Meanwhile the Obama administration is getting high marks for its handling of the tsunami triggered by the Chilean quake.  White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said: “Unlike Katrina, this past Saturday under President Obama’s watch, the levees in Hawaii worked, thus sparing the lives of all 1.3 million people who live in our 50th state,” said Gibbs.

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Mar 1

Bush Joins Earthquake Relief Effort

BushIsBack“I was relieved that I wasn’t the guy in charge when this Haiti thing hit.  The last thing I’d want to be blamed for is another crisis in Louisiana.”

Jan 18

Weather Channel President Issues Apology For Lackluster Hurricane Season

weatherchannellogoATLANTA - Weather Channel President Mike Kelly issued a public apology last night for what he called a “lackluster” hurricane season.

Mr. Kelly made his remarks in a rare prime-time appearance on his own network.

“Like many of you, I am disappointed in the performance of the weather during the recently completed hurricane season. We know that fans of destructive storms, and I count myself among them, look forward to each new season with great anticipation, so when storms fall short of expectations, whether it be in terms of property damage, or loss of life, we all feel cheated. 

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Nov 11

Local Man Incensed That Autumnal Equinox Isn’t What It Used To Be

PITTSBURGH – Popular local bon vivant and outdoorsman Noah Swayne is spearheading a petition drive to express his “extreme and palpable displeasure that the temperature on the first day of autumn felt exactly like summer.”

“I walked outside and my first reaction was, ‘What’s going on here?” Swayne explained.  “Somebody needs to take a stand about this, and it’s going to be me.”  Swayne’s goal is to obtain 400,000 signatures. 

“The worst part about the whole damn thing is that the kids don’t have any idea what they’re missing.  That’s why I make sure to tell every child I come across, ‘You should have seen the autumnal equinox in the old days!  It would come roaring in like thunder, and it hit us like a refreshing wall of invigorating bliss.’”

Swayne said his next project is Christmas, “because that really stinks lately, too.”

Sep 23

“Fats” Domino Condemns Fargo for “Stealing” Evacuation Idea from New Orleans

fats-domino-2NEW ORLEANS – Rock and roll icon Antoine Dominique “Fats” Domino took to the New Orleans airwaves last night to excoriate the “copycats” in Fargo, North Dakota who “pilfered New Orleans’ idea” by evactuating a portion of the city after cracks were found in a levee holding back the rising Red River.

In August 2005, New Orleans ordered large scale evacuations after Hurricane Katrina’s storm surge caused the city’s levees to burst.  Mr. Domino heroically acted as a human cork to plug one of the major breaches, all the while singing, “Ain’t that a shame?”

Last night on televistion, frothing at the mouth and shouting at the top of his lungs, Mr. Domino accused the Fargo residents who evacuated of “having zero originality — I mean none!”  He said he found it “very telling” that the Fargo evacuation was prompted by “an alleged failure of a levee — hmm, I wonder where they got that idea?”

Mr. Domino said he is consulting with his lawyers to see if New Orleans has a legal cause of action against Fargo for theft of ideas.  ”Allowing Fargo to evacuate is unacceptable because it trivializes what happened in New Orleans,” he said.

Mar 27

Local Man Livid That The Vernal Equinox Isn’t What It Used To Be

may-22-2006-073-1a2PITTSBURGH – Popular outdoorsman, adventurer and bon vivant Noah Swayne is livid that temperatures on the first day of spring are only in the 40s. Swayne is spearheading a petition drive to express his “extreme and palpable” displeasure with a goal of obtaining 400,000 signatures.

“I think it’s important for someone to take a stand on this,” he said.

Swayne explained:  “I grab every young person I come across and tell them, ‘You should have seen the vernal equinox in the old days!’” Swayne’s eyes teared up. “Back then, springtime came roaring in like thunder and hit us like a wave of balmy bliss.”

Swayne said it is his wish that high temperatures in early spring be in the low ’60’s.

Mar 20

Al Gore: “Only Uninformed, Anti-Science Conservatives Think it Snowed in Atlanta Yesterday”

atlantasnow“The debate is over,” former Vice President says.

Mar 2

Al Gore Subs for Groundhog

photo-two-al-gorePUNXSUTAWNEY, PA – Groundhog Day revelers waiting to learn if Punxsutawney Phil would see his shadow were shocked yesterday morning when the famous rodent’s handlers reached into his burrow and pulled out Al Gore instead.

Mr. Gore, who declared Phil’s prognostications “obsolete,” promptly announced that he could see his shadow, and that “there will only be six more weeks of winter — ever.”

Feb 3

Obama Takes Oath of Office; Rise of Oceans Begins to Slow

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Jan 21

Hurricane Ike Leaves Two Pigs Homeless; Building Inspector Says Structures Made of Sticks, Straw No Match For Powerful Storm

GALVESTON – Authorities assessing damage to the region following last weekend’s powerful storm report that two of the three homes built by local pigs are no longer standing. The homes are identified on the Galveston real estate web site as owned by Ira Pig and his brother Stanley.

City Building Inspector Edward Alexander visited remnants of the structures this morning and met with reporters afterward. “The homes are completely uninhabitable,” said Alexander.

“If only those pigs had followed the advice of our department, they wouldn’t find themselves on the street now, at the mercy of hungry, pork-loving predators.”

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Sep 19

Obama Apologizes for Hurricane Ike

“When I won the Democratic nomination, I promised that the rise of the oceans would begin to slow,” the Illinois Senator said.  ”But I guess that won’t actually happen until I’m elected president.”

Sep 15

Davy Crockett Announces He Will Fight For Texas; Famed Frontiersman Says Hurricane Ike Will Be No Match for “Ol Betsy”

GALVESTON – With Hurricane Ike bearing down on this embattled city, Mayor Tom Lean held a news conference to announce that help is on the way.

“I received a letter this day from our good friend Davy Crockett informing me that he, along with twenty-two other men from the great state of Tennessee, are coming to join our fight against Hurricane Ike.

“I am confident the presence of this authentic American hero will allow us to carry the day. I am therefore suspending all evacuation notices and urging all citizens to return to their homes.”

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Sep 12

Weather Channel Hires Tina Turner as Special Correspondent; Singer to File First-Hand Accounts of Surviving Ike’s Terror

ATLANTA – The Weather Channel has hired singer Tina Turner as a special correspondent to file reports on Hurricane Ike, who is delivering a heavy beating to Cuba as we go to press and is expected to batter the United States when he arrives sometime later this week.

Weather Channel Hurricane expert Dr. Greg Forbes said Ms. Turner is “the logical choice” to report on Ike’s “rain” of terror. 

“Ike is packing quite a punch right now, and it appears he will be administering a heavy blow to the Southeast coast.  As someone who has absorbed, and survived, the kind of terrifying punishment that Ike can dish out, Ms. Turner will provide an example of the enduring qualities of the human spirit to viewers and victims who may be facing his wrath in the days ahead.”

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Sep 9

Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly Faults Failed Immigration Policy For Letting Gustav In

“If our borders were secure, this never would have happened.”

Sep 2

President Bush Consoles Gulf Coast In the Wake Of Gustav: “I Will Get the Man Who Did This.”

Sep 1

New Orleans Implements Plan Designed to Save the City: Citizens Stay, Mayor Nagin Evacuates Himself

McCain cancels most first day activities of  GOP Convention due to Hurricane Gustav; Senator hoping for other disasters so he can cancel the rest of it.

Aug 31

Today’s Forecast for Georgia: Partly Cloudy with an 80% Chance of Invasion

Aug 12