Commuters stuck in rush hour traffic on Interstate Route 17 yesterday morning were forced to contend with howling bands of warriors on horseback who carried off women and children, slaughtered helpless drivers stuck behind the wheel and set fire to hundreds of automobiles.

Marauding bands of Apaches are expected to attack several subdivisions and appartment complexes around the Phoenix metro area over the next several days, according to information posted under the ”attack, pillage, rape and kill” schedule posted on the homepage of the official Apache Indian Nation web site.

According to Honest Dan Jones, owner of the Trading Post on the reservation, the Apaches had been planning this uprising for some time.  “It’s been awfully quiet around here lately,” said Honest Dan. “A little too quiet.”

Governor Brewer sent an urgent telegram to the White House asking for the creation of a punitive force to put down this revolt before it spreads.

“It is imperative that these bloodthirsty savages be brought to justice before more lives are lost, more property destroyed and more rush hour commutes are disrupted,” the governor’s spokesman said. “Time is of the essence.”

“All the other military units have been depleted by the war in Iraq, so the Salvation Army is all I had,” chuckled Secretary of Defense Robert Gates.  “I can’t imagine they’re going to be any good in battle, but if we stick them on street corners, my guess is they’ll raise a little money over there.”

Mr. Mohammed is accused of planning the attacks on the World Trade Center which led to the deaths of over three thousand Americans.

“I think we can all agree that nobody wears an undershirt like Khalid,” said Joe Dunn, an underwear industry analyst. “I think Fruit of The Loom is banking on a long trial, to allow maximum exposure for their product.”

Mr. Dunn speculated that people following the proceedings in the courtroom are going to pay close attention to Mr. Mohammed’s undershirt.

“Folks are going to be curious about the ability of this shirt to absorb enormous amounts of perspiration. How well this shirt holds the sweat of a homicidal maniac over the course of direct examination and cross-examination will determine how much of a sales bounce Fruit of The Loom gets from this deal.”

“It’s about time we put a big smile on the face of every soldier serving in Afghanistan by staging the biggest doggone talent show that country, or for that matter, any country, has ever seen,” the President said in a written statement. 

“There are a heck of a lot of really talented kids right under our noses, gosh darn it, serving in the armed forces of the good old US of A.  As their Commander-in-Chief, I am ordering them to put on their tap shoes and to bring their best singing voices, because we’re going to have more fun than a big old barrel of monkeys!  And, best of all, it won’t cost us anything because farmer Thompson said we could use his barn, which is about ten miles south of Kabul.”

General Stanley McChrystal, the top U.S. military commander in Afghanistan, said the talent show will raise the morale of U.S. troops, provided the President also sends over an additional 40,000 troops.

It is believed to be the first war ever declared by a U.S. president on a cable news organization.

President Obama appeared on television shortly after midnight, with his Nobel Peace Prize slung around his neck, to solemnly announce the start of the war:  “My fellow Americans, on my orders, at this moment, American and coalition forces are in the early stages of military operations to liberate the airwaves from Fox News’ atrocities against the truth regarding this administration’s record.” 

After the fighting ended around 4:30 a.m., White House Communications Director Anita Dunn took over on-air duties at the network and announced that there had been 248 casualties in the fighting.  “War criminals Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Chris Wallace and others were wounded in fierce skirmishes during the first minutes of the war, and at this hour, they are being treated at a medical unit at the Guantanamo Bay detention camp.  Glenn Beck is being subjected to interrogation methods he has publicly approved of at the same detention camp.”  

Dunn revealed that the fighting would have been over “much sooner” execpt that the troops had to be careful to do no harm to NBC and MSNBC, which also have their headquarters at Rockefeller Center.