PHOENIX - As if Governor Jan Brewer didn’t have enough on her mind these days, the Apache Indians, who last took up arms against the United States over one hundred and twenty years ago, left their reservation last night with the intent to make war on Arizona citizens.
Commuters stuck in rush hour traffic on Interstate Route 17 yesterday morning were forced to contend with howling bands of warriors on horseback who carried off women and children, slaughtered helpless drivers stuck behind the wheel and set fire to hundreds of automobiles.
Marauding bands of Apaches are expected to attack several subdivisions and appartment complexes around the Phoenix metro area over the next several days, according to information posted under the ”attack, pillage, rape and kill” schedule posted on the homepage of the official Apache Indian Nation web site.
“All the other military units have been depleted by the war in Iraq, so the Salvation Army is all I had,” chuckled Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. “I can’t imagine they’re going to be any good in battle, but if we stick them on street corners, my guess is they’ll raise a little money over there.”
NEW YORK – Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, mastermind of the 9/11 attacks, has signed an exclusive contract with Fruit of The Loom, Inc. that requires him to wear only Fruit of The Loom undershirts for the duration of his pending trial in Federal Court.
Mr. Mohammed is accused of planning the attacks on the World Trade Center which led to the deaths of over three thousand Americans.
“I think we can all agree that nobody wears an undershirt like Khalid,” said Joe Dunn, an underwear industry analyst. “I think Fruit of The Loom is banking on a long trial, to allow maximum exposure for their product.”
WASHINGTON – President Obama announced a plan to stem plummeting morale among U.S. troops in Afghanistan: a good old fashioned talent show.
“It’s about time we put a big smile on the face of every soldier serving in Afghanistan by staging the biggest doggone talent show that country, or for that matter, any country, has ever seen,” the President said in a written statement.
“There are a heck of a lot of really talented kids right under our noses, gosh darn it, serving in the armed forces of the good old US of A. As their Commander-in-Chief, I am ordering them to put on their tap shoes and to bring their best singing voices, because we’re going to have more fun than a big old barrel of monkeys! And, best of all, it won’t cost us anything because farmer Thompson said we could use his barn, which is about ten miles south of Kabul.”
General Stanley McChrystal, the top U.S. military commander in Afghanistan, said the talent show will raise the morale of U.S. troops, provided the President also sends over an additional 40,000 troops.
“I am announcing a policy of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,’ for all radical jihadists serving openly in the U.S. military.”
NEW YORK – President Obama deployed 40,000 troops to Fox News’ Rockefeller Center headquarters last night in a stunning surprise attack that quickly wrested control of the conservative cable television news channel from Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation and placed it in the hands of the Obama White House.
It is believed to be the first war ever declared by a U.S. president on a cable news organization.
President Obama appeared on television shortly after midnight, with his Nobel Peace Prize slung around his neck, to solemnly announce the start of the war: “My fellow Americans, on my orders, at this moment, American and coalition forces are in the early stages of military operations to liberate the airwaves from Fox News’ atrocities against the truth regarding this administration’s record.”
Heroism of Soldier Who Donned Pink Underwear in Afghanistan Battle Prompts Obama to Soften Military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Policy
New policy: “It’s OK to be gay, just don’t be too proud of it.”