Obama Nominates Woman From Witness Protection Plan To High Court

KaganMum320WASHINGTON – The White House revealed that Elena Kagan, nominated on Monday to fill Justice John Paul Stevens’ seat on the Supreme Court, has been in the Federal Witness Protection Program, WITSEC, for the past two decades and only acquired her current name and identity four months ago.

President Obama on Monday told reporters that Kagan serves as Solicitor General, but administration officials wishing to remain anonymous say they have never heard of her.

One high-ranking official candidly noted that Kagan had plastic surgery in February of this year to alter her appearance, and that she formerly bore “a striking resemblance” to country queen Taylor Swift.

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May 12

Giant Wooden Horse In Times Square Prompts Evacuation

trojan-horseNEW YORK – A gigantic wooden horse left unattended in the middle of Times Square prompted a mass evacuation yesterday.

Authorities investigating the mysterious arrival of the horse believe it may contain up to thirty Greek soldiers who, under cover of night fall, will emerge from within to slaughter the inhabitants of Manhattan.

A gift tag attached to the horses tale reads: ”To the people of New York  from Odysseus. Do not open until Christmas.”

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May 10

MSNBC Anchor Contessa Brewer ‘Acutely Depressed’ Over News That Times Square Bomber is Muslim

msnbc-logoNEW YORK – Contessa Brewer has taken a leave of absence from her job as an MSNBC anchor to undergo intense electro-shock therapy for depression stemming from the news that the Times Square bomber is a Pakistan American Muslim instead of an angry white male.

“When I heard there had been a bombing attempt, I anxiously awaited news that the would-be bomber was a Caucasian male,” said Brewer. “An angry, guns-and-religion, Christian wingnut. 

“One can only imagine how devastated I was when I learned he was Muslm.  This is not the preferred narrative.”

May 6

Contrite Roethlisberger Apologizes for “the Incident in Georgia, and Also This Haircut”

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Apr 13

NASA Satellite Photo Shows Lone User of Electricity During Earth Hour: A Tennessee Mansion Owned By a Mr. Albert Gore

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Mar 29

Death Panels to Start Liquidating Senior Citizens on Saturday

Death-StaraWASHINGTON, D.C. – President Obama’s sweeping healthcare overhaul kicks off this weekend as the death panels established by the new law start to liquidate senior citizens deemed too expensive to care for.

“This is a big f***ing deal,” said a beaming Vice President Joe Biden when President Obama unveiled a rendering of the new death panel headquarters, modeled after the “Death Star,” the fictional moon-sized super-weapon from the Star Wars films.

The death panels, officially called “end-of-life counselors,” will start exterminating seniors who reside in the state of Florida, “because there are so many down there who travel in clumps, they’re easy to round up,” Biden explained.  By the summer, senior citizens from more than half the states will have been eliminated.

Mar 24

Democrats Who Voted For Health Reform Putting Affairs in Order

FrankieFINAL-a1WASHINGTON, D.C. – Democratic Congressional leaders admitted for the first time that they are ”extremely pessimistic” about the reelection prospects of most House members who voted in favor of health care reform last night.  The leaders have retained high-powered attorney Tom Hagen to advise pro-health care reform representatives about what they should do now, in light of their dismal political futures.  Carbolic Smoke Ball has obtained a transcript of one of those counseling sessions:

CONGRESSMAN: Tom, what do I do now?

TOM HAGEN: I know you were always interested in history.  Take the Roman Empire, for example.  When a plot against the Emperor failed, the plotters were always given a chance to let their families keep their fortunes.

CONGRESSMAN: They went home and sat in a hot bath and opened their veins, and bled to death. Sometimes they gave a little party before they did it.

TOM HAGEN: (Shakes his hand) Don’t worry about anything.

CONGRESSMAN: (Gives a knowing nod) Thanks, Tom.

Mar 22

Disturbing YouTube Video Shows International Olympic Committee Terrorizing Homeless Man With Olympic Torch

IOCTorchNEW YORK – The International Olympic Committee is being questioned in connection with a barbaric three-minute video that appeared on YouTube over the weekend showing more than three dozen Olympic Committee members taunting and terrorizing a homeless man with the iconic Olympic Torch.

A spokesman for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police said the incident, which occurred in Vancouver last week, was “an animalistic assault that was made all the more vicious because one of the [Olympic Committee members] videotaped it for sport.”  Throughout the ordeal, the homeless man was visibly distressed and pleaded with his attackers to stop.

The RCMP is searching for the man to insure he is not injured.  “We believe he suffers from a mental disorder,” said RCMP spokesman Noah Swayne.  “So we suspect he’ll try to run for Parliament.”

Feb 12

Mrs. Obama’s War On Obese Children To “Make Example” of Spanky McFarland

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Beloved “Little Rascals” star shipped to Gitmo for waterboarding, sweat lodge ceremony

Feb 10

Obama Proposes Bailout for Las Vegas to Cure Recession That Started When He Told People Not To Go There

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Feb 4

White House Installs ‘Apology Hotline’ to Special Olympics Chair Tim Shriver

batphone_1Rahm Emanuel uses hotline after “f***ing retarded” comment; President Obama used it last year after comparing his bowling to the Special Olympics.

Feb 3

White House Crasher Tareq Salahi Almost Delivered State of Union Address

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Jan 29

Obama Puts on New Face to Salvage Presidency

Reagan Mask

Jan 28

Obama Fires Geithner on Way to Podium to Deliver State of the Union Address

YouARE FIRED TIM - Copy-1Ex-Treasury Secretary disrupts speech gathering his belongings on way out of chamber.

Jan 28

In Wake of Massachusetts Election, Health Reform Troubles, Sinking Approval Ratings, Former President Reaches Out to Obama: “You’re Doing a Heckuva Job, Blackie”

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Jan 27

Scott Brown Gears Up to Take Ted Kennedy’s Seat

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Jan 20

Bush Joins Earthquake Relief Effort

BushIsBack“I was relieved that I wasn’t the guy in charge when this Haiti thing hit.  The last thing I’d want to be blamed for is another crisis in Louisiana.”

Jan 18

GOP Leaders Call for James Cameron to Step Down as King of the World, Say “Unfair Double Standard” Allowed Director to Create Na’vi Dialect

james-cameron“Trent Lott never would have been able to get away with that,” said party chairman Michael Steele

Jan 13

Sen. Harry Reid Apologizes to Amos ‘n’ Andy For Obama Remarks

a&a2WASHINGTON – Senate majority leader Harry M. Reid has apologized to Amos ‘n’ Andy, the lead characters in a racially offensive radio situation comedy that has been off the air for 50 years, for remarks he made during the 2008 presidential campaign about Barack Obama.

In the remarks in question, Reid said that Obama was “a light-skinned African American with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one.”

Reid explained this morning that he would have apologized to Rev. Jesse Jackson, except “I can’t understand his dialect.”

Jan 9

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Mel Gibson’s Father Say Death of Holocaust Museum Shooting Suspect a “Hoax”

VonBrunnMugBoth men claim James von Brunn’s demise faked by “Zionist prison conspiracy”

Jan 7

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