Big Three to Congress: “We’ll Do Whatever, Except Build a Decent Car”

WASHINGTON - Detroit’s Big Three automakers told Congress they will do whatever the lawmakers want in exchange for a $15 billion bailout, but they draw the line at building a decent car.

“We will slash executive salaries and forgo bonuses,” lobbyist Noah Swayne told Congress. “We will force the unions and suppliers to renegotiate contracts. But we insist on the right to put out a shoddy, sub-par, second-rate product.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid asked Mr. Swayne if the Big Three could meet Japanese automakers’ quality standards within five years. A perplexed look shot across Swayne’s face. “Senator, until just now when you mentioned it, Detroit was unaware that the Japanese were making automobiles.”

Dec 9

Man in the Iron Mask Still Having Trouble Getting Through Airport Security

WASHINGTON - Louis Bourbon, the Man in the Iron Mask, arrived in Washington yesterday for an emergency meeting with Director of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff.

“I am sick and tired of airport security personnel giving me the same stupid instructions every time I try to get on a plane,” said a frustrated Bourbon. “Please take off the Iron Mask, sir.  Please remove the Iron Mask, sir. I keep telling them I can’t take the damn thing off. Don’t you think I would if I could?”

Mr. Bourbon, heir to the throne, has worn the Iron Mask since adolescence, when his evil twin brother had the hideous contraption affixed to his head in an effort to conceal his identity forever.

Read more

Dec 9

Sunny von Bülow Awakens from 28-Year Coma, Touts Mattress, Expires

NEW YORK - Socialite Sunny von Bulow awakened Saturday from a 28-year coma, touted the Excelsior Beauty Sleep Mattress® she was sleeping on, and immediately expired.

At around noon, Mrs. von Bulow suddenly opened her eyes and sat up in bed. “I want to tell everyone about this wonderful mattress I’ve been sleeping on,” she said in a clear voice.  Shocked staff members at the Spiro Agnew Nursing Home heard Mrs. von Bulow speaking and came running into her room.  “It’s the Excelsior Beauty Sleep Mattress®,” she continued, “with its patented back support system that eliminates painful pressure points. I promise that it will put you, too, into the deepest sleep you’ve ever had.” Mrs. von Bulow then rested her head on the pillow, closed her eyes and peacefully expired.

Mrs. von Bulow’s daughter Velveeta, 49, was summoned to the nursing home. Informed about her mother’s last words, she choked back tears. “When you consider all the folks who can’t get eight good hours sleep on their mattress, my mother was blessed because she got 28 years. That mattress truly is a miracle.”

Dec 8

Caroline Kennedy Wants NY Senate Seat, Cites Experience of Being Potty Trained in White House

Gov. David Paterson: “She possesses every quality to be a worthy successor to Hillary Clinton — she’s an ambitious woman with no legislative experience riding on the coattails of a popular president. She’s not only perfect, she automatically becomes Obama’s successor in eight years!”

Dec 8

Director Ron Howard Perplexed by 18½ Minute Gap in “Frost/Nixon”

Dec 8

Ghost of President Taft Sighted at White House Refrigerator Looking for Thanksgiving Leftovers

Dec 5

Big Three CEOs Make Their Case to Congress

Dec 5

“Tell you what’s fun, Joe — it’s fun to pretend the Vice President’s residence is a castle and that you’re the lord.”

Dec 5

Obama Introduces Richardson, Says He’s “Disappointed With the Loss of the Beard”

Michelle Obama says she’s disappointed too, but “hopes Barack and Bill will be happy together”

Dec 4

Dick Sargent to Replace Dick Cheney in Role of Vice President for Remainder of Bush Term

Transition to be so seamless, audience won’t notice, says network

Dec 4

Giants Suspend Burress for Carrying a Concealed Weapon in His Pants

“And we’re not too happy about that gun incident either,” said team president John Mara

 

Dec 3

Wal-Mart Apologizes for Lack of Cyber Monday Shopping Fatalities

BENTONVILLE, AR - Cyber Monday, traditionally the biggest online shopping day of the year, fell far short of expectations yesterday, and industry analysts blamed Wal-Mart for failing to jump-start the buying with deals worth killing for.

“That Long Island stampede set the tone for a great Black Friday,” said Tepper School of Business Financial Economics Professor Cornelius Dunn. “Without a similar flashpoint to crystallize economic urgency and stimulate homicidal demand, Cyber Monday just couldn’t measure up.”  A spokesman for the Arkansas-based retail giant agreed with Dunn’s assessment and acknowledged that Wal-Mart “could have done much more” to incite an online buying frenzy.

“We apologize to our customers, and to the American people, for our failure to sell products at prices so low they endanger our employees,” said Wal-Mart executive Noah Swayne. “If we’d offered a few more value bundles and keyboard busters yesterday, we could have made a difference for the holidays, for the economy, and for the grieving families of our workers.”

“A couple of crashed servers and an electrocuted IT tech or two would have been a small price to pay for rock-bottom prices and increased shareholder value,” Professor Dunn added.

Dec 2

“I never said anything about ‘of State’ … I said you could be my secretary.”

 

Dec 2

Cyber Monday Marred by Fraud, Identity Theft, Escaped Replicants

“All they wanted were the same presents the rest of us want,” said retired Blade Runner Rick Deckard. “All I could do was watch them hack.”

Dec 2

Paul Volcker Shoots Himself in Manhattan Nightclub

NEW YORK - Only days after his appointment by President-elect Obama to chair the newly-formed Economic Recovery Advisory Board, eighty-one-year-old Paul Volcker reportedly shot himself in a Manhattan night club.

The incident occurred in a club known as The Latin Quarter, where Mr. Volcker has lately been seen partying to the wee hours of the morning with celebrities such as Paris Hilton and Sean “P-Diddy” Combs.

Mr. Volcker was taken to a local hospital for treatment. According to an Obama transition team spokesman, the bullet pierced only Mr. Volcker’s skin and muscle tissue. It is unclear whether Mr. Volcker possesses a license to carry a handgun in New York City. If he does not, he could face criminal charges.

Read more

Dec 1

Turkey Pardoned By Bush: “No Secret Deal”

WASHINGTON - The turkey pardoned by President Bush in the White House’s annual Thanksgiving clemency ritual yesterday thanked the President from his retirement compound in San Clemente, California. The newly freed fowl denied rumors circulating in the turkey community that he made a “secret deal” for his pardon.

“Let’s be honest: what could I offer the President in a deal? I’m just a turkey.”

The turkey revealed that he and Bush hit if off — “we’re on the same wavelength,” he explained — but chided the press for treating the annual turkey pardon in a lighthearted manner. “To me, this is life or death; to you, it’s just a punchline.”

The turkey revealed that he intends to devote his retirement years to writing his memoirs and acting as an elder statesman on poultry matters.

Nov 26

Bush Accidentally Pardons Manson; President Worried How Foul-Up Will Affect His Legacy

WASHINGTON - President Bush accidentally issued a full pardon yesterday to convicted murderer Charles Manson in a move many scholars believe will blacken his administration’s legacy.

“I’ll never be able to resurrect his reputation now,” said historian David McCullough. “I guess I’ll just have to write that biography of Millard Fillmore so many people have been clamoring for.”

Mr. Manson submits over nine-hundred petitions for executive clemency to the White House each month, according to a Manson family spokesman. “I guess one of them finally made it to the big guy’s desk,” she chuckled.

Read more

Nov 25

Workers March on Washington, Demand Permission to Put Their 401k Funds Into Social Security

“Do you know how much more money we’d have right now if the government were allowed to handle our savings instead of us doing it privately?” said Noah Swayne, worker.

Nov 25

Citibank Vows to Use a Portion of Bailout Funds to Correct Misspelling of Name

Citibank execs: “As soon as we get the money, we’ll finally be known as ‘City Bank.’”

Nov 25

Obama Admits He’s a Vampire, Asks Nation: “Are You Afraid?”

WASHINGTON - Barack Obama shocked the nation during a televised news conference last night by revealing that he is a vampire.

The revelation came when Mr. Obama fielded a question from CBS news anchor Katie Couric. “Mr. President-elect, I want to ask you something personal. You’re impossibly fast, and strong. And of course you are brilliant. In fact, you’re not like any of the other guys in Washington. Many people are wondering if you are a . . . .”

“Say it,” Mr. Obama demanded.

Read more

Nov 24

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