“Let’s get serious. What could I offer the President in a deal? I’m a turkey.”

The turkey revealed that he and Obama hit if off — “we’re on the same wavelength,” he explained — but chided the press for treating the annual turkey pardon in a lighthearted manner. “To me, this is life or death; to you, I’m just a punchline.”

The turkey revealed that he intends to devote his retirement years to writing his memoirs and acting as an elder statesman on poultry matters.

NASA Administrator Noah Swayne, Jr. said he is “very disappointed” that the astronauts apparently left the vehicle, nicknamed the “moon buggy,” in a “No Parking” zone before leaving the moon’s surface. 

“We need to get someone back to the moon to move that vehicle before it’s towed — and to pay those tickets,” Swayne explained.  “The United States of America will not be known throughout the universe as a parking scofflaw.”

The other major change, inspired by Major League Baseball’s “at-bat” music, is that each Justice will enter the court to introductory music of his or her own choosing. Most justices are keeping their tunes under their robes for now but Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg revealed she has selected the theme from “Rocky,” and Justice Antonin Scalia told a reporter he is “just wild about” the folk standard “Pop Goes the Weasel.”

The move is seen by some legal scholars as an attempt to win back fans turned off by the Court’s work stoppage last year.  Last spring’s short-lived experiment with a “hot-dog” toss between cases was abadoned when an adult novelty male organ somehow got launched into the gallery instead of an edible wiener, giving certain of the male justices a “complex” because of its size.

Chief Justice Roberts also said that for the first time the court will allow advertisements on the Justice’s robes.  First up today: Valvoline, makers of fine automotive lubricants.

Cases on the court’s docket this year include Rabbit v. General Mills in which the Trix rabbit is seeking to overturn a Seventh Circuit decision holding that the cereal behemoth does not engage in discriminatory practices by limiting the popular cereal to kids.

The court will also take up the question of whether burning the Pittsburgh Steelers’ Terrible Towel violates the First Amendment, and whether the Constitution’s Preamble is unconstitutional because it violates the Constitution’s Establishment Clause when it calls on blessings from a higher power.

The court will also be asked to abolish the Island of Misfit Toys on the ground that the segregation of toys on the basis of appearance, desirability, or national origin violates the Equal Protection Clause of the Constitution.

None of the callers lived in New York City or had any connection with the attacks on the World Trade Center or the Pentagon, but Jones insists that a few of the callers made ”indirect, oblique but fairly clearly implied references” to the terrorist attacks. 

In one of the calls, a male customer is heard to say, “You should see what they’re showing on TV, dude [referring to the World Trade Center attacks].  Unbelievable!  Um, can I have a large with pepperoni and sausage to go?”  Jones refers to that call as “spine-tingling.”  Another caller said, “Glad I’m not in New York.  Do you sell ravioli?” Several callers are heard to ask, “Do you deliver?”

In a prepared statement, Jones said the decision to release the tapes was difficult. “I’ve steadfastly refused to do this for eight years because of the grueling content of these recordings.”  He relented due to what he calls the tapes’ “extraordinary historical content.” 

Jones predicts that scholars will be studying the tapes for centuries to come because “they provide a window into the very souls of the terrorists.”

Jones dismisses critics who object to his plans to write a book about the tapes.  “If I’m denied the opportunity to have a tidy payday because of these tapes, then the terrorists have won.”

Buffett publicly scolded rich Uncle Pennybags, the dapper, mustached mascot of a popular board game after Mr. Pennybags tried to donate to the U. S. Community Chest a basket filled with fake, orange $500 bills and bogus deeds to supposedly improved Atlantic City real estate and railroads.

“Pennybags has made a mockery of our charitable efforts,” Mr. Buffett fumed.

Mr. Pennybags took umbrage at Buffett’s remarks. “Buffett has just rolled three sets of doubles, and we all know where that lands him: in jail!”  He added that Mr. Buffett is “just jealous” because Mr. Pennybags recently won second prize in a beauty contest, earning him ten dollars.

Mr. Pennybags said that Mr. Buffett’s rebuke will not deter his charitable giving. He noted that he has written personal appeals to other notable billionaires, including oil baron Jed Clampett, private investor Bruce Wayne, and uncharted desert isle financier Thurston Howell, III.

“No question about it,” Boris Yeltsin-Swayne of Lithuania explained. “You see what the United States gave up?  Ten young spies for four broken down has-beens.” 

Yeltsin-Swayne, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said “it is common knowledge” that the United States can no longer afford a large payroll and needed to get something for the ten spies rather than lose them all to free agency.

“Fire sale!” he yelled.  Yeltsin-Swayne expects his country will get a call from the US before the July 31st trading deadline.  

The CIA denied Yeltsin-Swayne’s accusations:  ”The four veteran spies are part of our long-range plan and will be added to the roster as soon as they pass their physicals.” 

To make room on the Untied States’ forty-spy roster, the CIA released veterans Jason Bourne, Maxwell Smart, Agent 99, and Jack Bauer.

Mr. James said he received a vocational calling from the Holy Spirit during Game Six of his teams NBA playoff game this past season.

According to Mr. James, the Holy Spirit was sitting court side, and spent the entire contest heckling him about joining the priesthood.  “Now, I can finally reveal why I performed so poorly during the climactic Game Seven contest. I was torn between my desire to serve the one true Holy Roman Catholic church, and my goal of winning a championship for my home town. Something had to give.  In the end, it was basketball.”

Mr. James is expected to enter St. Fidelis seminary in Butler, Pennsylvania.

He described his decision as prayerful, time-consuming, and final, and praised Pope Benedict for getting the deal done.  “I really want to thank the Holy Father for freeing up the cap space that allows me to join this organization.”

To make room for Father LeBron, the Vatican announced that it will place an unspecified number of clergy on waivers.  According to the rules of the current Christianity Bargaining Agreement, after forty-eight hours they are free to sign with any other denomination. 

A Papal spokesman said the cuts were difficult, but necessary.  “Any time you get the opportunity to add a Lebron James to your team, you’ve got to make the most of it,” said Father Joe Dunn.  “He’s a once in a generation vicar of Christ on Earth.”