“No question about it,” Boris Yeltsin-Swayne of Lithuania explained. “You see what the United States gave up?  Ten young spies for four broken down has-beens.” 

Yeltsin-Swayne, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said “it is common knowledge” that the United States can no longer afford a large payroll and needed to get something for the ten spies rather than lose them all to free agency.

“Fire sale!” he yelled.  Yeltsin-Swayne expects his country will get a call from the US before the July 31st trading deadline.  

The CIA denied Yeltsin-Swayne’s accusations:  ”The four veteran spies are part of our long-range plan and will be added to the roster as soon as they pass their physicals.” 

To make room on the Untied States’ forty-spy roster, the CIA released veterans Jason Bourne, Maxwell Smart, Agent 99, and Jack Bauer.

Mr. James said he received a vocational calling from the Holy Spirit during Game Six of his teams NBA playoff game this past season.

According to Mr. James, the Holy Spirit was sitting court side, and spent the entire contest heckling him about joining the priesthood.  “Now, I can finally reveal why I performed so poorly during the climactic Game Seven contest. I was torn between my desire to serve the one true Holy Roman Catholic church, and my goal of winning a championship for my home town. Something had to give.  In the end, it was basketball.”

Mr. James is expected to enter St. Fidelis seminary in Butler, Pennsylvania.

He described his decision as prayerful, time-consuming, and final, and praised Pope Benedict for getting the deal done.  “I really want to thank the Holy Father for freeing up the cap space that allows me to join this organization.”

To make room for Father LeBron, the Vatican announced that it will place an unspecified number of clergy on waivers.  According to the rules of the current Christianity Bargaining Agreement, after forty-eight hours they are free to sign with any other denomination. 

A Papal spokesman said the cuts were difficult, but necessary.  “Any time you get the opportunity to add a Lebron James to your team, you’ve got to make the most of it,” said Father Joe Dunn.  “He’s a once in a generation vicar of Christ on Earth.”

The so-called “is it hot enough for ya?” bill was approved by overwhelming assent in both chambers.  President Obama signed the bill late yesterday.

 During the signing ceremony in the Rose Garden, he was flanked by Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Attorney General Eric Holder who sought to keep the Commander in Chief cool by fanning him with giant palm fronds.  It is believed to be the first time in the nations history that the President signed a bill into law wearing only his boxer shorts and a sleeveless undershirt.

“I am pleased to announce that with this new law, the American people residing along the Atlantic seaboard who are enduring unbearable suffering and inconvenience with these record-breaking temperatures will no longer have to endure the insipid, banal drivel used by the conversationally-challenged,” said the President.  “From now on, if you ask somebody is it hot enough for you, you’re going to jail.”

When a reporter asked Mr. Obama about potential challenges by the ACLU and other civil liberties groups concerning the legislation’s impact on traditional first amendment freedoms, the President was quick to respond.  “You know what? The ACLU can go s— in their hat.  It’s too damn hot!”

“I’ve been telling my residents the past couple of days that people in Philadelphia want ice water, too,” he joked with host Jim Cantore.  “But seriously, we have this kind of weather year round.”

Mr. Cantore asked if there were any notable differences.   “Well, for one thing, you don’t have to deal with brimstone up here.  We’re under a brimstone warning, or a brimstone watch basically 24-7.  And of course, there’s the daily showers of fire that our people deal with. But you get used to it. Hey, we’ve got no choice!”

Evening Edition co-host Alexandra Steele asked Mr. Lucifer if he had any advice for people along the Atlantic seaboard struggling to cope with the oppressive temperatures.

“Remember, everything is relative. There is always some place where things are worse,” he said, with a wink.   He added that he hoped everyone watching would refrain from drinking water for the duration of the heat wave, and encouraged all viewers to engage in strenuous outdoor activities, particularly those people with a history of heart problems or breathing disorders, before he bade Cantore and Steele farewell.

Senator Jeff Sessions (R-Alabama), normally a tough inquisitor, was effusive with his praise. “Little lady, if you are as good with case law as you are with a rolling pin, I predict smooth sailing through this Committee.”  The Senator then delivered a ten minute tribute to the delicious, melt-in-your mouth quality of Ms. Kagan’s treats, which he entered into the Congressional Record.

Ms. Kagan attended yesterday’s hearings wearing a broad smile and a flour-covered apron.  She told the Senators she had spent the preceding eight hours in her kitchen hunched over a mixing bowl and a Black’s Law dictionary. 

Senator Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont), Chairman of the Committee, distributed the cookies to his colleagues in order of seniority.

The only discordant note of the morning was provided by Senator Orin Hatch (R-Utah) when he  asked a series of probing questions concerning the amount of butter Ms. Kagan uses in her chocolate chip recipe, but each time the nominee deftly avoided any revealing  answers.  ”I don’t think its appropriate to speculate on issues I may be forced to confront when baking again,” she said.

When President Obama heard about Ms. Kagan’s gesture, he gave a knowing smile and nodded.  “This is exactly the kind of real-life experience the American people deserve from a nominee to the highest court in the land,” he added.  “I wouldn’t be surprised if she brought a couple of pies tomorrow.”

The ninety year old Justice, however, saw no humor at all in what he described as “an affront to the dignity of this institution” during a blistering attack on the perpetrator of the practical joke which he delivered from the bench.

“Let the record show that during my entire tenure as a member of the judicial system of this great nation at no time did I ever once engage in the act of flatulence, either real or imagined, during the performance of my official duties.  To attempt to discredit my character, or impugn my ability to control the release of foul-smelling air from the body cavity of my nether-regions by placing this vile gadget on my chair is an act that could only be conceived by a wretched charlatan of the lowest order.”

Justice Stevens then requested that Chief Justice John Roberts take the unusual step of asking the FBI to launch an investigation.

“The mastermind of this despicable deed must be apprehended, and punished!” he shouted, before dissolving into tears.  Members of the Court then huddled around Justice Stevens and were observed patting him on the shoulder and back.

In an unrelated matter, several boxes of water balloons seen outside the chambers of Justice Antonin Scalia were taken by Court personnel to a third floor restroom and destroyed.

“For years we have all read or heard that laughter is the best medicine,” said Dr. Kevin Matschner, who co-authored the report.  “But, after careful observation of the men participating in our study suffering from urinary tract blockages, I believe we can state categorically that laughter had little or no effect on the alleviation of their suffering.”

Dr. Matschner offered the following explanation to support his findings.  “One group of men felled by kidney stones were kept in a room and exposed to round the clock viewings of films from comedians ranging from Buster Keaton and W.C. Fields to Jim Carrey and Will Ferrell.   Another group with the same affliction was kept in a hilarity-free chamber and administered a series of antibiotics and injections intended to dissolve their stones.  In every single case, the men who received laughter-only treatment for their malady became more irritable, more violent, and in some cases, lost consciousness.”

Dr. Matschner added that the University has written a new grant proposal to the Department of Health and Human Services seeking Federal funding to complete a new study.

“This time, we’re going to determine once and for all if laughter is truly the best medicine for leprosy.”

“She said, ’Don’t let this minor setback stop the United States from pursuing exploratory deepwater drilling, Mr. President,’” BP CEO Tony Hayward proclaimed.  “That’s a direct quote from the Virgin Mary.  I’m sure that BP got it exactly right.”

Hayward said BP has ceased its efforts to halt the oil spill and is concentrating on figuring out how to preserve the image of the Virgin Mary so that BP can sell it.  “We plan to pay our restitution obligations with the revenue from the oily icon.”

Mr. Lindelof and Mr. Cuse, creators of the television show “Lost,” are riding a wave of popularity at the moment.  Their show ended last Sunday evening in a way that most Americans found pleasing.

“Obviously, we don’t have the luxury of six years to wrap this up, like we did on “Lost,” said Mr. Cuse, chuckling.  “But Damon and I are determined to see this through in a way that will allow those who created this huge natural disaster and those suffering the effects of this environmental catastrophe to gain closure.”

An advance copy of Mr. Lindelof’s script calls for the underwater detonation of a thermonuclear device that will rip a hole in the time-space continuum, allowing BP engineers to go back in time and replace the faulty valve before the explosion ever occurs.

“I’m just hoping the President will let us have one of his old nuclear weapons,” said Mr. Cuse. 

When Mr. Hayward read a copy of the Lindelof script, he was exuberant. “Why this is the most plausible solution yet.  It’s a pity we didn’t hire these fellows sooner.”