Blog Archives

Smokers Rush to CVS Before Cigarette Prohibition Begins

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Posted in Health, U.S. News

CSB Tips to Keep Warm this Winter

Facing sub-zero temperatures this week, Americans are being urged to follow these fun and unconventional techniques to keep warm: Set ovens to “Self-clean mode” and keep the door open. Pipes could freeze, keep your hair dyer on high and rest

Posted in Environment, Health, Local News, U.S. News, Weather

CNN: Oklahoma Tornado Linked to Boston Bombings

Posted in Commentary, Fact Check, U.S. News, Weather

Conservatives’ Greatest Fears Realized as Dog Marries Blender on Supreme Court Steps

Posted in Politics, U.S. News

Shocker: Lunar Rover Left on Moon in 1972 is Covered With Parking Tickets

CAPE CANAVERAL – NASA revealed that a satellite photo taken last week shows that the Lunar Rover, abandoned on the moon’s surface in 1972 by Apollo 17 astronauts, is covered with parking tickets. NASA Administrator Noah Swayne, Jr. said he is “very

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Posted in Extras, Science, U.S. News

Turkey Pardoned By Obama: “No Secret Deal”

WASHINGTON – The turkey pardoned by President Obama in the White House’s annual Thanksgiving clemency ritual thanked the President after returning to his retirement compound in San Clemente, California. The newly freed fowl denied rumors in the turkey community that he made a “secret deal”

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Posted in Extras, U.S. News

Biden Vacationing on Martha’s Vineyard’s Less Posh Sister Island, Marvin’s Vineyard

Posted in U.S. News

First Monday in October: Supreme Court Introduces New Court Crier Michael “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” Buffer

WASHINGTON – U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Roberts promised court watchers a more “fan friendly judicial branch” as the high court launches a new term today.  The most obvious change is that legendary ring announcer Michael Buffer has been named court crier and will start

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Posted in Legal News, U.S. News

Pittsburgh Pizza Shop Owner Releases “Gut-Wrenching” Tapes of September 11 Telephone Orders

PITTSBURGH – Ron Jones, owner of Ron’s Pizza in Pittsburgh, announced today that he is making public “gut wrenching” tape recordings of telephone orders placed to his pizza shop on September 11, 2001.  None of the callers lived in New York

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Posted in U.S. News

Obama Says Goodbye To Martha’s Vineyard, Captain Quint Tells Him To Stay The Course

Posted in Health, Politics, U.S. News

Furious Warren Buffett Rips Rich Uncle Pennybags: ‘Charities Don’t Want Your Fake Money’

ATLANTIC CITY – Berkshire Hathaway Inc. Chairman Warren Buffett has asked fellow billionaires to pledge the majority of their wealth to charity, but he angrily told one billionaire “don’t bother.” Buffett publicly scolded rich Uncle Pennybags, the dapper, mustached mascot of a popular

Posted in Business, Extras, Life, U.S. News

KKK, NAACP Hammer Out Consensus Statement on Race

Thus far, the statement seeking common ground reads: “Whites are supreme; no they aren’t.”

Posted in Extras, Politics, Pop Culture, U.S. News

Analyst: Expect more ‘Spy Swaps’ from Cash-Strapped US before Trading Deadline

WASHINGTON – The international espionage community rarely agrees on anything, but the recent “spy swap” between the United States and Russia has most counterintelligence analysts nodding their heads and exclaiming in unison: “Salary dump!” “No question about it,” Boris Yeltsin-Swayne of Lithuania explained.

Posted in Extras, International News, U.S. News

LeBron James To Enter The Seminary

GREENWICH – Lebron James ended months of speculation last night when he announced during an ESPN special broadcast that he is leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers and entering the seminary.   Mr. James said he received a vocational calling from the Holy Spirit

Posted in Extras, Sports, U.S. News

New Law Makes It A Crime To Ask ‘Is It Hot Enough For Ya?’

WASHINGTON – Congress passed emergency legislation yesterday making it a Federal offence for anyone residing east of the Mississippi river to inquire of anyone whether or not the temperature outside is agreeable.  The law will remain in effect for the duration of

Posted in Extras, Politics, U.S. News, Weather

Lucifer Tells The Weather Channel: “We Have This Weather Year Round”

ATLANTA – Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness and Ruler of Hell, made a special guest appearance last night on The Weather Channel’s Evening Edition to offer his own unique perspective on the heat wave that is gripping much of the

Posted in Extras, Religion, U.S. News, Weather

Kagan Surprises Senate Judiciary Committee With Home Made Cookies

WASHINGTON – Elena Kagan, President Obama’s choice to replace retiring Justice John Paul Stevens on the United States Supreme Court, moved one step closer to confirmation yesterday when she surprised the Senate Judiciary Committee with two dozen freshly baked cookies. Senator Jeff

Posted in Extras, Gender News, Legal News, Politics, U.S. News

Furious Justice Stevens Victim of Whoopee Cushion Prank To Open Last Day On Supreme Court

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Justice John Paul Stevens sat on a whoopee cushion prior to the beginning of oral arguments Monday on his final day as a member of the United States Supreme Court and sent his colleagues into convulsions of laughter.

Posted in Extras, Legal News, U.S. News

Study: Laughter Not Best Medicine For Kidney Stones

NEW HAVEN – A report released today by the New England Journal of Medicine concludes that laughter may not be the best medicine for kidney stones. “For years we have all read or heard that laughter is the best medicine,”

Posted in Extras, Science, U.S. News

BP Miracle: Virgin Mary Spotted in Oil Slick, Tells Obama to “Keep On Drilling”

NEW ORLEANS – Executives of beleaguered British Petroleum finally got some good news yesterday when cleanup workers reported that they’ve seen the image of the Virgin Mary in the massive oil slick, and that she has a message for President Obama. “She said, ‘Don’t let this

Posted in Business, Environment, Extras, U.S. News
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