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Recent News Items
- Obama Admits He’s Pals With William Ayers, Vows to Have Ex-Terrorist Serve America by Bombing Wall Street
- Hecklers Call For Palin to Iron Their Shirts - And She Does It
- Carbolic Opinion Poll
- Underdog Scientists Win Nobel Prize for Chemistry, Winners Celebrate With Champagne Baths, Victory Cigars
- CAMPAIGN TRAIL SHOCKER: Obama Announces He’s Dropping Out of Race, Going on Tour With Ann Wilson
- McCain Caught on Video Using Hate Speech to Select a Donut
- AIG Execs Defend Swanky Junket, Say No Bailout Money Used to Pay For Event
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Reports From the Trail
“We used mostly stockholder money,” CEO says
NEW YORK - American International Group executives are defending their decision, made public yesterday by congressional investigators, to spend $440,000 on a conference at a posh California resort just days after the federal government committed $85 billion to bail out the struggling insurance giant.
“We still hadn’t seen so much as one penny of the bailout money by the time we went on that retreat,” said AIG CEO Edward Liddy. ”We used mostly stockholder money, and some petty cash from our C-suite coffee fund.”
AIG internal documents reveal that the company paid $200,000 for luxury suites, $150,000 for meals, $23,000 in spa charges, and almost $7,000 in golf fees for the week-long conference. Liddy bristled at the suggestion that the expenses were “lavish or extravagant,” noting that AIG executives had endured “a rough couple of weeks” and needed the time to “recharge and strategize before the for the new money rolls in.”
Asked to account for costs not paid by stockholder money or petty cash, Libby explained that suites were financed through low-interest FHA loans, spa fees were charged to Medicare, and golf outings were covered by the company’s farm subsidies. ”We paid for our meals with food stamps,” Libby added.
Authorities say actor “inhaled some smoke,” won’t say what kind
“You’re either with us, or against us,” said grassroots community coordinator Jeremiah Reichbaum. “And if you’re against us, then you’re obviously a racist.”
WASHINGTON - U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Roberts promised court watchers a more “fan friendly judicial branch” as the high court launches a new term today. The most obvious change is that legendary ring announcer Michael Buffer has been named court crier and will start each session with his signature catchphrase, “Let’s get ready to rumble.”
The other major change, inspired by Major League Baseball’s “at-bat” music, is that each Justice will enter the court to introductory music of his or her own choosing. Most justices are keeping their tunes under their robes for now but Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg revealed she has selected the theme from “Rocky,” and Justice Antonin Scalia told a reporter he is “just wild about” the folk standard “Pop Goes the Weasel.”
The move is seen by some legal scholars as an attempt to win back fans turned off by the Court’s work stoppage last year. Last spring’s short-lived experiment with a “hot-dog” toss between cases was abadoned when an adult novelty male organ somehow got launched into the gallery instead of an edible wiener, giving certain of the male justices a “complex” because of its size.
Asked what might happen to the city’s fragile mental state if the White Sox are eliminated too, Mayor Daley replied, “The who?”
Neurologists call frenetic speed, rhythm of candidates’ delivery “greatest televised threat” to public health since Wang Chung’s “Everybody Have Fun Tonight” video
OMAHA - Noah Swayne, Jr., 17, became the 16th child under Nebraska’s new safe haven law to be legally abandoned by his parents. The law allows parents to sever parental relations with any child up to age 17 for any or no reason by dropping him off at a hospital.
The boy’s parents, Noah and Donna Swayne, staunch Obama supporters, explained they “had no choice” but to sever all ties with their son because Donna caught him, in her words, “relishing his hot dog” to an Internet video of a swimsuit-clad Sarah Palin competing in a 1984 beauty pageant.
“We have always taught our former son to be completely tolerant, which means to despise and belittle anti-choice Christians, the Second Amendment, and anyone who doesn’t believe in global warming,” explained Noah Swayne, Sr. ”The very idea that he finds that — that — gun-toting, Christian wacko to be sexually arousing was too much for us to bear, so he had to go.”
Congressional aide: “Nobody’s package is big enough for Barney!”
ST. LOUIS - Sen. Joe Biden stunned officials of the Commission on Presidential Debates when he stripped naked at the weigh-in for the Vice Presidential debate, a move he said was necessary in order to make weight.
Ring girls quickly held up a banner to hide Biden’s private parts, but Biden slapped it down and raised his arms in what one writer called a “triumphant display of masculinity.”
Sarah Palin, waiting in the wings, was reportedly “livid” that Biden subjected her to the sight of his genitalia. “But it confirmed what I suspected,” she said. “You know what they say about men from tiny states who make big gaffes.”
Digital image specialists finally decode long-thought-doctored photo, discover real face hidden beneath Lee Harvey Oswald’s; Kennedy Family declines comment; Harry Whittington declares, “I knew it!”
“We haven’t had time to do a lot of polling on this plan, so we had no idea how it would affect our re-election campaigns,” said one representative who asked not to be identified (see photo at left). ”We’re not crazy, you know.”
Food, water, new Blackberrys dropped over Wall Street; investment bankers vow to “hang on” until rescuers, new mortgage holders arrive
Hefner: ”I’m going to invite the whole Congress over to The Mansion as soon as this Wall Street thing blows over — well, obviously you’re not invited, Barney.”
WASHINGTON - President Bush said he would help the country stop focusing on Wall Street’s precarious financial situation by hanging upside down in Central Park for 60 hours without a net starting tomorrow.
“I can’t think of any better way to get our minds off money, money, money,” Bush said.
Bush denied that he got the idea for the stunt, which he calls “an endurance challenge,” from magician David Blaine, who is currently hanging upside for 60 hours in New York’s Central Park. “But I don’t deny there are similarities,” the President noted.
NEW YORK - Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, visiting New York to address the U.N. General Assembly, murdered CNN talk icon Larry King last night while making an exclusive appearance on Larry King Live.
The incident occurred about halfway through the interview when Mr. King asked Mr. Ahmadinejad if he thought President Bush was a “schmuck.” Suddenly, the Iranian president’s eyes glared, and he sprang from his chair.
“Are you a Jew, Larry?” he challenged Mr. King in perfect English. “Tell me the truth: are you a Jew?” Middle East experts later said that Mr. King’s use of the word “schmuck” triggered Mr. Ahmadinejad’s reaction.
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