CAPE CANAVERAL – NASA revealed that a satellite photo taken last week shows that the Lunar Rover, abandoned on the moon’s surface in 1972 by Apollo 17 astronauts, is covered with parking tickets.
NASA Administrator Noah Swayne, Jr. said he is “very disappointed” that the astronauts apparently left the vehicle, nicknamed the “moon buggy,” in a “No Parking” zone before leaving the moon’s surface.
“We need to get someone back to the moon to move that vehicle before it’s towed,” Swayne explained. “The United States of America will not be known throughout the universe as a parking scofflaw.”
WASHINGTON – The turkey pardoned by President Obama in the White House’s annual Thanksgiving clemency ritual thanked the President after returning to his retirement compound in San Clemente, California. The newly freed fowl denied rumors in the turkey community that he made a “secret deal” for his pardon.
“Let’s get serious. What could I offer the President in a deal? I’m a turkey.”
The turkey revealed that he and Obama hit if off — “we’re on the same wavelength,” he explained — but chided the press for treating the annual turkey pardon in a lighthearted manner. “To me, this is life or death; to you, I’m just a punchline.”
The turkey revealed that he intends to devote his retirement years to writing his memoirs and acting as an elder statesman on poultry matters.
First Monday in October: Supreme Court Introduces New Court Crier Michael “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” Buffer
WASHINGTON - U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Roberts promised court watchers a more “fan friendly judicial branch” as the high court launches a new term today. The most obvious change is that legendary ring announcer Michael Buffer has been named court crier and will start each session with his signature catchphrase, “Let’s get ready to rumble.”
The other major change, inspired by Major League Baseball’s “at-bat” music, is that each Justice will enter the court to introductory music of his or her own choosing. Most justices are keeping their tunes under their robes for now but Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg revealed she has selected the theme from “Rocky,” and Justice Antonin Scalia told a reporter he is “just wild about” the folk standard “Pop Goes the Weasel.”
The move is seen by some legal scholars as an attempt to win back fans turned off by the Court’s work stoppage last year. Last spring’s short-lived experiment with a “hot-dog” toss between cases was abadoned when an adult novelty male organ somehow got launched into the gallery instead of an edible wiener, giving certain of the male justices a “complex” because of its size.
PITTSBURGH – Ron Jones, owner of Ron’s Pizza in Pittsburgh, announced today that he is making public “gut wrenching” tape recordings of telephone orders placed to his pizza shop on September 11, 2001.
None of the callers lived in New York City or had any connection with the attacks on the World Trade Center or the Pentagon, but Jones insists that a few of the callers made ”indirect, oblique but fairly clearly implied references” to the terrorist attacks.
In one of the calls, a male customer is heard to say, “You should see what they’re showing on TV, dude [referring to the World Trade Center attacks]. Unbelievable! Um, can I have a large with pepperoni and sausage to go?” Jones refers to that call as “spine-tingling.” Another caller said, “Glad I’m not in New York. Do you sell ravioli?” Several callers are heard to ask, “Do you deliver?”
ATLANTIC CITY - Berkshire Hathaway Inc. Chairman Warren Buffett has asked fellow billionaires to pledge the majority of their wealth to charity, but he angrily told one billionaire “don’t bother.”
Buffett publicly scolded rich Uncle Pennybags, the dapper, mustached mascot of a popular board game after Mr. Pennybags tried to donate to the U. S. Community Chest a basket filled with fake, orange $500 bills and bogus deeds to supposedly improved Atlantic City real estate and railroads.
“Pennybags has made a mockery of our charitable efforts,” Mr. Buffett fumed.
Mr. Pennybags took umbrage at Buffett’s remarks. “Buffett has just rolled three sets of doubles, and we all know where that lands him: in jail!” He added that Mr. Buffett is “just jealous” because Mr. Pennybags recently won second prize in a beauty contest, earning him ten dollars.
Mr. Pennybags said that Mr. Buffett’s rebuke will not deter his charitable giving. He noted that he has written personal appeals to other notable billionaires, including oil baron Jed Clampett, private investor Bruce Wayne, and uncharted desert isle financier Thurston Howell, III.
Thus far, the statement seeking common ground reads: “Whites are supreme; no they aren’t.”
WASHINGTON – The international espionage community rarely agrees on anything, but the recent “spy swap” between the United States and Russia has most counterintelligence analysts nodding their heads and exclaiming in unison: “Salary dump!”
“No question about it,” Boris Yeltsin-Swayne of Lithuania explained. “You see what the United States gave up? Ten young spies for four broken down has-beens.”
Yeltsin-Swayne, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said “it is common knowledge” that the United States can no longer afford a large payroll and needed to get something for the ten spies rather than lose them all to free agency.
GREENWICH - Lebron James ended months of speculation last night when he announced during an ESPN special broadcast that he is leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers and entering the seminary.
Mr. James said he received a vocational calling from the Holy Spirit during Game Six of his teams NBA playoff game this past season.
According to Mr. James, the Holy Spirit was sitting court side, and spent the entire contest heckling him about joining the priesthood. “Now, I can finally reveal why I performed so poorly during the climactic Game Seven contest. I was torn between my desire to serve the one true Holy Roman Catholic church, and my goal of winning a championship for my home town. Something had to give. In the end, it was basketball.”
WASHINGTON – Congress passed emergency legislation yesterday making it a Federal offence for anyone residing east of the Mississippi river to inquire of anyone whether or not the temperature outside is agreeable. The law will remain in effect for the duration of the oppressive heat wave.
The so-called “is it hot enough for ya?” bill was approved by overwhelming assent in both chambers. President Obama signed the bill late yesterday.
During the signing ceremony in the Rose Garden, he was flanked by Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Attorney General Eric Holder who sought to keep the Commander in Chief cool by fanning him with giant palm fronds. It is believed to be the first time in the nations history that the President signed a bill into law wearing only his boxer shorts and a sleeveless undershirt.
“I am pleased to announce that with this new law, the American people residing along the Atlantic seaboard who are enduring unbearable suffering and inconvenience with these record-breaking temperatures will no longer have to endure the insipid, banal drivel used by the conversationally-challenged,” said the President. “From now on, if you ask somebody is it hot enough for you, you’re going to jail.”
ATLANTA – Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness and Ruler of Hell, made a special guest appearance last night on The Weather Channel’s Evening Edition to offer his own unique perspective on the heat wave that is gripping much of the East Coast.
“I’ve been telling my residents the past couple of days that people in Philadelphia want ice water, too,” he joked with host Jim Cantore. “But seriously, we have this kind of weather year round.”
Mr. Cantore asked if there were any notable differences. “Well, for one thing, you don’t have to deal with brimstone up here. We’re under a brimstone warning, or a brimstone watch basically 24-7. And of course, there’s the daily showers of fire that our people deal with. But you get used to it. Hey, we’ve got no choice!”
WASHINGTON - Elena Kagan, President Obama’s choice to replace retiring Justice John Paul Stevens on the United States Supreme Court, moved one step closer to confirmation yesterday when she surprised the Senate Judiciary Committee with two dozen freshly baked cookies.
Senator Jeff Sessions (R-Alabama), normally a tough inquisitor, was effusive with his praise. “Little lady, if you are as good with case law as you are with a rolling pin, I predict smooth sailing through this Committee.” The Senator then delivered a ten minute tribute to the delicious, melt-in-your mouth quality of Ms. Kagan’s treats, which he entered into the Congressional Record.
Ms. Kagan attended yesterday’s hearings wearing a broad smile and a flour-covered apron. She told the Senators she had spent the preceding eight hours in her kitchen hunched over a mixing bowl and a Black’s Law dictionary.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Justice John Paul Stevens sat on a whoopee cushion prior to the beginning of oral arguments Monday on his final day as a member of the United States Supreme Court and sent his colleagues into convulsions of laughter.
The ninety year old Justice, however, saw no humor at all in what he described as “an affront to the dignity of this institution” during a blistering attack on the perpetrator of the practical joke which he delivered from the bench.
“Let the record show that during my entire tenure as a member of the judicial system of this great nation at no time did I ever once engage in the act of flatulence, either real or imagined, during the performance of my official duties. To attempt to discredit my character, or impugn my ability to control the release of foul-smelling air from the body cavity of my nether-regions by placing this vile gadget on my chair is an act that could only be conceived by a wretched charlatan of the lowest order.”
NEW HAVEN – A report released today by the New England Journal of Medicine concludes that laughter may not be the best medicine for kidney stones.
“For years we have all read or heard that laughter is the best medicine,” said Dr. Kevin Matschner, who co-authored the report. “But, after careful observation of the men participating in our study suffering from urinary tract blockages, I believe we can state categorically that laughter had little or no effect on the alleviation of their suffering.”
Dr. Matschner offered the following explanation to support his findings. “One group of men felled by kidney stones were kept in a room and exposed to round the clock viewings of films from comedians ranging from Buster Keaton and W.C. Fields to Jim Carrey and Will Ferrell. Another group with the same affliction was kept in a hilarity-free chamber and administered a series of antibiotics and injections intended to dissolve their stones. In every single case, the men who received laughter-only treatment for their malady became more irritable, more violent, and in some cases, lost consciousness.”
NEW ORLEANS – Executives of beleaguered British Petroleum finally got some good news yesterday when cleanup workers reported that they’ve seen the image of the Virgin Mary in the massive oil slick, and that she has a message for President Obama.
“She said, ’Don’t let this minor setback stop the United States from pursuing exploratory deepwater drilling, Mr. President,’” BP CEO Tony Hayward proclaimed. “That’s a direct quote from the Virgin Mary. I’m sure that BP got it exactly right.”
Hayward said BP has ceased its efforts to halt the oil spill and is concentrating on figuring out how to preserve the image of the Virgin Mary so that BP can sell it. “We plan to pay our restitution obligations with the revenue from the oily icon.”
HOLLYWOOD - British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward announced yesterday that the company has abandoned efforts to cap the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico and, instead, has hired Damen Lindelof and Carlton Cuse to devise a conclusion to the ecological disaster that will satisfy both critics and the general public.
Mr. Lindelof and Mr. Cuse, creators of the television show “Lost,” are riding a wave of popularity at the moment. Their show ended last Sunday evening in a way that most Americans found pleasing.
“Obviously, we don’t have the luxury of six years to wrap this up, like we did on “Lost,” said Mr. Cuse, chuckling. “But Damon and I are determined to see this through in a way that will allow those who created this huge natural disaster and those suffering the effects of this environmental catastrophe to gain closure.”
PHOENIX - As if Governor Jan Brewer didn’t have enough on her mind these days, the Apache Indians, who last took up arms against the United States over one hundred and twenty years ago, left their reservation last night with the intent to make war on Arizona citizens.
Commuters stuck in rush hour traffic on Interstate Route 17 yesterday morning were forced to contend with howling bands of warriors on horseback who carried off women and children, slaughtered helpless drivers stuck behind the wheel and set fire to hundreds of automobiles.
Marauding bands of Apaches are expected to attack several subdivisions and appartment complexes around the Phoenix metro area over the next several days, according to information posted under the ”attack, pillage, rape and kill” schedule posted on the homepage of the official Apache Indian Nation web site.
WASHINGTON - Jack Bauer, the rogue government agent who plays by his own rules, has been given one final mission: obtain one hundred per cent compliance for the United States Census Bureau.
“Title 13 of the United States Code requires your response,” Bauer said, in a hoarse whisper. “By being counted, you insure that your community receives adequate political representation and government funding,” his voice rising. “It only takes ten minutes to fill out. TEN MINUTES! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY KNEECAPS I CAN BREAK IN TEN MINUTES?” he shouted.
Mr Bauer is expected to work in twenty-four hour shifts for an unspecified amount of time on a project that has been classified as more vital than locating a stolen nuclear device. ”We can’t move forward until we get these answers,” said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs. ”And no one gets answers like Jack Bauer.”