Obama Says Goodbye To Martha’s Vineyard, Captain Quint Tells Him To Stay The Course

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Aug 28

Biden Vacationing on Martha’s Vineyard’s Less Posh Sister Island, Marvin’s Vineyard

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Aug 27

Furious Warren Buffett Rips Rich Uncle Pennybags: ‘Charities Don’t Want Your Fake Money’

RichATLANTIC CITY - Berkshire Hathaway Inc. Chairman Warren Buffett has asked fellow billionaires to pledge the majority of their wealth to charity, but he angrily told one billionaire “don’t bother.”

Buffett publicly scolded rich Uncle Pennybags, the dapper, mustached mascot of a popular board game after Mr. Pennybags tried to donate to the U. S. Community Chest a basket filled with fake, orange $500 bills and bogus deeds to supposedly improved Atlantic City real estate and railroads.

“Pennybags has made a mockery of our charitable efforts,” Mr. Buffett fumed.

Mr. Pennybags took umbrage at Buffett’s remarks. “Buffett has just rolled three sets of doubles, and we all know where that lands him: in jail!”  He added that Mr. Buffett is “just jealous” because Mr. Pennybags recently won second prize in a beauty contest, earning him ten dollars.

Mr. Pennybags said that Mr. Buffett’s rebuke will not deter his charitable giving. He noted that he has written personal appeals to other notable billionaires, including oil baron Jed Clampett, private investor Bruce Wayne, and uncharted desert isle financier Thurston Howell, III.

Aug 13

KKK, NAACP Hammer Out Consensus Statement on Race

kkkThus far, the statement seeking common ground reads: “Whites are supreme; no they aren’t.”

Jul 23

Analyst: Expect more ‘Spy Swaps’ from Cash-Strapped US before Trading Deadline

russian spiesWASHINGTON – The international espionage community rarely agrees on anything, but the recent “spy swap” between the United States and Russia has most counterintelligence analysts nodding their heads and exclaiming in unison: “Salary dump!”

“No question about it,” Boris Yeltsin-Swayne of Lithuania explained. “You see what the United States gave up?  Ten young spies for four broken down has-beens.” 

Yeltsin-Swayne, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said “it is common knowledge” that the United States can no longer afford a large payroll and needed to get something for the ten spies rather than lose them all to free agency.

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Jul 15

LeBron James To Enter The Seminary

LeBron JamesGREENWICH - Lebron James ended months of speculation last night when he announced during an ESPN special broadcast that he is leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers and entering the seminary.  

Mr. James said he received a vocational calling from the Holy Spirit during Game Six of his teams NBA playoff game this past season.

According to Mr. James, the Holy Spirit was sitting court side, and spent the entire contest heckling him about joining the priesthood.  “Now, I can finally reveal why I performed so poorly during the climactic Game Seven contest. I was torn between my desire to serve the one true Holy Roman Catholic church, and my goal of winning a championship for my home town. Something had to give.  In the end, it was basketball.”

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Jul 13

New Law Makes It A Crime To Ask ‘Is It Hot Enough For Ya?’

thermometerWASHINGTON – Congress passed emergency legislation yesterday making it a Federal offence for anyone residing east of the Mississippi river to inquire of anyone whether or not the temperature outside is agreeable.  The law will remain in effect for the duration of the oppressive heat wave.

The so-called “is it hot enough for ya?” bill was approved by overwhelming assent in both chambers.  President Obama signed the bill late yesterday.

 During the signing ceremony in the Rose Garden, he was flanked by Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Attorney General Eric Holder who sought to keep the Commander in Chief cool by fanning him with giant palm fronds.  It is believed to be the first time in the nations history that the President signed a bill into law wearing only his boxer shorts and a sleeveless undershirt.

“I am pleased to announce that with this new law, the American people residing along the Atlantic seaboard who are enduring unbearable suffering and inconvenience with these record-breaking temperatures will no longer have to endure the insipid, banal drivel used by the conversationally-challenged,” said the President.  “From now on, if you ask somebody is it hot enough for you, you’re going to jail.”

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Jul 8

Lucifer Tells The Weather Channel: “We Have This Weather Year Round”

A devilATLANTA – Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness and Ruler of Hell, made a special guest appearance last night on The Weather Channel’s Evening Edition to offer his own unique perspective on the heat wave that is gripping much of the East Coast.

“I’ve been telling my residents the past couple of days that people in Philadelphia want ice water, too,” he joked with host Jim Cantore.  “But seriously, we have this kind of weather year round.”

Mr. Cantore asked if there were any notable differences.   “Well, for one thing, you don’t have to deal with brimstone up here.  We’re under a brimstone warning, or a brimstone watch basically 24-7.  And of course, there’s the daily showers of fire that our people deal with. But you get used to it. Hey, we’ve got no choice!”

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Jul 7

Kagan Surprises Senate Judiciary Committee With Home Made Cookies

grandma with cookiesWASHINGTON - Elena Kagan, President Obama’s choice to replace retiring Justice John Paul Stevens on the United States Supreme Court, moved one step closer to confirmation yesterday when she surprised the Senate Judiciary Committee with two dozen freshly baked cookies.

Senator Jeff Sessions (R-Alabama), normally a tough inquisitor, was effusive with his praise. “Little lady, if you are as good with case law as you are with a rolling pin, I predict smooth sailing through this Committee.”  The Senator then delivered a ten minute tribute to the delicious, melt-in-your mouth quality of Ms. Kagan’s treats, which he entered into the Congressional Record.

Ms. Kagan attended yesterday’s hearings wearing a broad smile and a flour-covered apron.  She told the Senators she had spent the preceding eight hours in her kitchen hunched over a mixing bowl and a Black’s Law dictionary. 

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Jul 1

Furious Justice Stevens Victim of Whoopee Cushion Prank To Open Last Day On Supreme Court

STEVENSWASHINGTON, D.C. – Justice John Paul Stevens sat on a whoopee cushion prior to the beginning of oral arguments Monday on his final day as a member of the United States Supreme Court and sent his colleagues into convulsions of laughter.

The ninety year old Justice, however, saw no humor at all in what he described as “an affront to the dignity of this institution” during a blistering attack on the perpetrator of the practical joke which he delivered from the bench.

“Let the record show that during my entire tenure as a member of the judicial system of this great nation at no time did I ever once engage in the act of flatulence, either real or imagined, during the performance of my official duties.  To attempt to discredit my character, or impugn my ability to control the release of foul-smelling air from the body cavity of my nether-regions by placing this vile gadget on my chair is an act that could only be conceived by a wretched charlatan of the lowest order.”

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Jun 30

Study: Laughter Not Best Medicine For Kidney Stones

kidney_stones_big_photoNEW HAVEN – A report released today by the New England Journal of Medicine concludes that laughter may not be the best medicine for kidney stones.

“For years we have all read or heard that laughter is the best medicine,” said Dr. Kevin Matschner, who co-authored the report.  “But, after careful observation of the men participating in our study suffering from urinary tract blockages, I believe we can state categorically that laughter had little or no effect on the alleviation of their suffering.”

Dr. Matschner offered the following explanation to support his findings.  “One group of men felled by kidney stones were kept in a room and exposed to round the clock viewings of films from comedians ranging from Buster Keaton and W.C. Fields to Jim Carrey and Will Ferrell.   Another group with the same affliction was kept in a hilarity-free chamber and administered a series of antibiotics and injections intended to dissolve their stones.  In every single case, the men who received laughter-only treatment for their malady became more irritable, more violent, and in some cases, lost consciousness.”

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Jun 24

BP Miracle: Virgin Mary Spotted in Oil Slick, Tells Obama to “Keep On Drilling”

oil spillNEW ORLEANS – Executives of beleaguered British Petroleum finally got some good news yesterday when cleanup workers reported that they’ve seen the image of the Virgin Mary in the massive oil slick, and that she has a message for President Obama.

“She said, ’Don’t let this minor setback stop the United States from pursuing exploratory deepwater drilling, Mr. President,’” BP CEO Tony Hayward proclaimed.  “That’s a direct quote from the Virgin Mary.  I’m sure that BP got it exactly right.”

Hayward said BP has ceased its efforts to halt the oil spill and is concentrating on figuring out how to preserve the image of the Virgin Mary so that BP can sell it.  “We plan to pay our restitution obligations with the revenue from the oily icon.”

Jun 15

Creators Of “Lost” Hired To Devise Satisfying Conclusion To Oil Spill Disaster

LOSTHOLLYWOOD - British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward announced yesterday that the company has abandoned efforts to cap the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico and, instead, has hired Damen Lindelof and Carlton Cuse to devise a conclusion to the ecological disaster that will satisfy both critics and the general public.

Mr. Lindelof and Mr. Cuse, creators of the television show “Lost,” are riding a wave of popularity at the moment.  Their show ended last Sunday evening in a way that most Americans found pleasing.

“Obviously, we don’t have the luxury of six years to wrap this up, like we did on “Lost,” said Mr. Cuse, chuckling.  “But Damon and I are determined to see this through in a way that will allow those who created this huge natural disaster and those suffering the effects of this environmental catastrophe to gain closure.”

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Jun 2

More Trouble For Arizona: Apaches On War Path, Burning Homes, Attacking Station Wagons

indiansPHOENIX - As if Governor Jan Brewer didn’t have enough on her mind these days, the Apache Indians, who last took up arms against the United States over one hundred and twenty years ago, left their reservation last night with the intent to make war on Arizona citizens.

Commuters stuck in rush hour traffic on Interstate Route 17 yesterday morning were forced to contend with howling bands of warriors on horseback who carried off women and children, slaughtered helpless drivers stuck behind the wheel and set fire to hundreds of automobiles.

Marauding bands of Apaches are expected to attack several subdivisions and appartment complexes around the Phoenix metro area over the next several days, according to information posted under the ”attack, pillage, rape and kill” schedule posted on the homepage of the official Apache Indian Nation web site.

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May 28

Jack Bauer Hired As Census Taker

jack-bauerWASHINGTON - Jack Bauer, the rogue government agent who plays by his own rules, has been given one final mission: obtain one hundred per cent compliance for the United States Census Bureau.

“Title 13 of the United States Code requires your response,” Bauer said, in a hoarse whisper.  “By being counted, you insure that your community receives adequate political representation and government funding,” his voice rising.  “It only takes ten minutes to fill out.  TEN MINUTES!  DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY KNEECAPS I CAN BREAK IN TEN MINUTES?” he shouted.

Mr Bauer is expected to work in twenty-four hour shifts for an unspecified amount of time on a project that has been classified as more vital than locating a stolen nuclear device.  ”We can’t move forward until we get these answers,” said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs.  ”And no one gets answers like Jack Bauer.”

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May 26

Muhammad Ali Converts To Judaism, Changes Name To Irving Greenbaum

muhammad-aliLOUISVILLE – Over four decades after he shook up the world by converting to Islam, sixty-eight year old former heavyweight champion Muhammad Ali announced yesterday that he is changing religions – and names – once again.  This time, he’s embracing Judaism.

 ”When you’re as great as I am, you need a faith that is just as great,” he told members of the Beth Israel Synagogue.  “From this day forward, Allah and I are through. I am now a believer in the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.  And, I’d like to be called Irving Greenbaum. Shalom.”  Then, in a shocking turn of events, Mr. Greenbaum told the congregation he had accepted his draft notice from the Israeli Army.

“I didn’t have no quarrel with them Viet Cong, but me and them Palestinians are gonna get it on,” he shouted.  “If you were surprised when Nixon resigned, wait until I whup Ahmadinejad’s behind!”

Mr. Greenbaum said he looked forward to fulfilling his two year military committment, and to spending the remainder of his life behind the counter of the kosher delicatessen he plans to open when he returns.

May 20

Obama Nominates Woman From Witness Protection Plan To High Court

KaganMum320WASHINGTON – The White House revealed that Elena Kagan, nominated on Monday to fill Justice John Paul Stevens’ seat on the Supreme Court, has been in the Federal Witness Protection Program, WITSEC, for the past two decades and only acquired her current name and identity four months ago.

President Obama on Monday told reporters that Kagan serves as Solicitor General, but administration officials wishing to remain anonymous say they have never heard of her.

One high-ranking official candidly noted that Kagan had plastic surgery in February of this year to alter her appearance, and that she formerly bore “a striking resemblance” to country queen Taylor Swift.

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May 12

Giant Wooden Horse In Times Square Prompts Evacuation

trojan-horseNEW YORK – A gigantic wooden horse left unattended in the middle of Times Square prompted a mass evacuation yesterday.

Authorities investigating the mysterious arrival of the horse believe it may contain up to thirty Greek soldiers who, under cover of night fall, will emerge from within to slaughter the inhabitants of Manhattan.

A gift tag attached to the horses tale reads: ”To the people of New York  from Odysseus. Do not open until Christmas.”

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May 10

MSNBC Anchor Contessa Brewer ‘Acutely Depressed’ Over News That Times Square Bomber is Muslim

msnbc-logoNEW YORK – Contessa Brewer has taken a leave of absence from her job as an MSNBC anchor to undergo intense electro-shock therapy for depression stemming from the news that the Times Square bomber is a Pakistan American Muslim instead of an angry white male.

“When I heard there had been a bombing attempt, I anxiously awaited news that the would-be bomber was a Caucasian male,” said Brewer. “An angry, guns-and-religion, Christian wingnut. 

“One can only imagine how devastated I was when I learned he was Muslm.  This is not the preferred narrative.”

May 6

Contrite Roethlisberger Apologizes for “the Incident in Georgia, and Also This Haircut”

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Apr 13

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