Stanley Cup Scandal: Crosby Plagiarized Big Motivational Speech Before Game 6

81108716CP120_Pittsburgh_PePITTSBURGH, PA – In the Pittsburgh Penguins’ locker room, just minutes before his team took the ice for Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals, Sidney Crosby rose to his feet and delivered what his teammates thought was a heartfelt, impromptu speech urging them to “get me back to Detroit” for Game 7. Crosby’s emotional plea was met with a tumultuous ovation. With tears still streaming down their faces, his Penguins’ teammates charged on to the Mellon Arena ice and delivered their captain a 2-1 victory.

But it turns out that the speech, credited by several Penguins players as “just the spark we needed,” was a fraud.

Crosby lifted it, almost line by line, from former Pittsburgh Steelers great Jerome “The Bus” Bettis, who delivered a similar speech to his teammates before the AFC Championship game in January 2006. Bettis, who had never been to a Super Bowl in his storied career, implored the Steelers to “just get me to Detroit,” his hometown, where Super Bowl XL was to be played.

Crosby implored his teammates to do the same thing for him, but he didn’t bother attributing the words to Bettis. Some Penguins, speaking on condition of anonymity, said they should have realized “something was off” when Crosby described himself as “a poor black kid from Detroit who rose out of the ghetto and became the fifth leading rusher in NFL history.”

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Jun 12

Michael Vick’s Problems Go Back To His Childhood

vicka“My dog ate my homework, so I electrocuted him.”

May 22

Despondent Derby Loser Threatens Suicide

derby-loserFriesan Fire, the Kentucky Derby favorite who finished next-to-last in Saturday’s annual Run for the Roses, threatened to jump from the balcony of his Louisville apartment yesterday.  After a five hour standoff, police talked him down. 

May 4

Carol Murray Sues Kentucky Derby for Stealing Her Wedding Night’s Tagline: “The Most Exciting Two Minutes in Sports”

derby

May 4

Study: Men Not Interested in NFL Draft More Likely to be Homosexuals

cover31NEW HAVEN – A study released by the New England Journal of Sports and Sexual Orientation yesterday finds that men who say they are “uninterested” in this weekend’s NFL Draft are more likely to be homosexuals.

The NFL draft is a yearly event televised by ESPN that allows viewers the opportunity to watch all thirty-two NFL franchises pick up teams. 

The study was conducted over a three day period by two groups of scientists equipped with the latest Gaydar technology and The Sporting News NFL Draft preview.

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Apr 24

NBC Hires Rex Reed to Replace John Madden

rex-reedNEW YORK – NBC Sports Chairman Dick Ebersol announced yesterday that he has hired New York Observer critic and bon vivant Rex Reed to replace John Madden as color analyst on the network’s Sunday night football telecasts.

“I believe Mr. Reed’s sophistication and urbanity will be the perfect compliment to the rock-solid, all-American homespun appeal of play by play man Al Michaels.” 

Although he was named as Madden’s replacement less than twenty-four hours ago, Ebersol said Reed has already sent him an extensive list of ideas to improve the broadcast.

“Rex feels we need a new color scheme in the booth, so he’s sending his decorator over this morning. He also told me he loathes Al’s haircut, and his comments about Al’s tailor reached new heights in bitchiness. I told him I’m taking all of his suggestions into consideration.”

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Apr 17

Angel Cabrera Is Mistaken For Realtor, Sells House, After Winning Green Jacket at Masters

angel-cabreraGolfer snags sale of four bedroom colonial

AUGUSTA - Angel Cabrera was still wearing the green jacket he won with his first Masters victory when he stopped his rental car en route to the Atlanta Airport to retrieve something from the trunk.  An attractive young lady came running to the side of the car, out of breath.

“There you are,” she barked. “I’d recognize that Prudential-Beazley jacket anywhere.”

Cabrera glanced to his left and saw a newly constructed two-story colonial adorning a Prudential-Beazley “For Sale” sign.

The woman’s husband caught up with her. “What do the heating bills run?”

Cabrera led the young couple into the house.

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Apr 13

Angel Cabrera: “Masters Tailor Felt Me a Little Too High Up On The Inseam!”

Masters Golf

Apr 13

Pittsburgh Pirates to Don New Beaks for 2009 Season

new-beaks

Mar 27

Student Gives Right Arm for Spartan Victory

severed20arm20bigEAST LANSING - Michigan State men’s basketball coach Tom Izzo received an unusual, heartfelt gift during practice yesterday: the right arm of eighth year sophomore David Corbett.

“I told my fraternity brothers I’d give my right arm to see Michigan State beat Kansas, and I’m a man of my word,” said Corbett. “Besides, [the frat brothers] were happy to oblige.”

Corbett said a houseful of Delta Delta Taus beat him senseless and then cut his arm at the shoulder blade using a set of steak knives.

Michigan State plays Kansas in Indianapolis Friday evening. Izzo accepted the arm on behalf of his team.

“I’m just glad you didn’t say you’d give your right [testicle],” he joked. 

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Mar 27

Advocacy Group Says “March Madness” Offensive to Lunatics

strait20jacket_0aaNEW HOKUM – The Association of American Lunatics filed a formal request with the NCAA yesterday asking the governing body of collegiate athletics to stop using the term “March Madness” to advertise its men’s basketball tournament.

The petition, which exceeds three hundred thousand words, was written in pencil on toilet tissue. 

“The use of a loaded word such as ‘madness’ can only serve to stigmatize those among us who are truly mad, leading to an increase in alienation with a concomitant loss of self-esteem,” said Association President Theodore ‘Ted” Kaczynski.

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Mar 20

Undefeated M.I.T. Robotics Team Snubbed Yet Again by NCAA Selection Committee

mitsnubSenior Co-Captains Keith Scollick and Seth Rosenbaum lament, “We never get any respect. Or any women.”

Mar 20

New Ambassador to Ireland Dan Rooney Vows to Bring Proven Business Acumen to Job: Will Insist Ireland Build the U.S. a New Football Stadium

dan-rooneyWASHINGTON -  Pittsburgh Steelers owner Dan Rooney will be named U.S. ambassador to Ireland, a White House official announced. 

Mr. Rooney said he will “hit the ground running” and bring to the job ”everything I’ve learned in my 34 years of running the Pittsburgh Steelers.”

Pressed for specifics, Mr. Rooney could only say he would insist that Ireland use taxpayer monies to build the U.S. a new football stadium “even though it’s completely unnecessary,” and if they don’t ”I’ll threaten to move the embassy to Spain or some such place.” 

Mr. Rooney added:  “That’s about the extent of my business acumen, but I know how to do that very well, believe me.”

Mar 17

Pittsburgh School Chief to Dispose of Rancid Beef by Adding it to Pirates Roster

female_butchersaPITTSBURGH – The U.S. Department of Agriculture has ordered the Pittsburgh Public Schools to dispose of 8,500 pounds of tainted beef from a Chino, California, slaughterhouse by either taking it to a landfill or adding it to the Pittsburgh Pirates’ roster. School Superintendent Mark Roosevelt said he has chosen the second option. 

“I think [Pirates'] fans will notice a difference this season,” Roosevelt said. “The odor on the field should be about the same, but the team will be much improved.”

Mar 13

T.O. Signs With Bills, Calls Rest of NFL a “League of Cowards” For Not Talking Enough to His Agent

bil“Simply put, to get to the heart of the quarterbacks in this league, one must examine their reluctance to play with me,” Owens said.

Mar 10

Ted Williams’ Head Unthawed, Blasts A-Rod

ted20williams_0-1SCOTTSDALE – The head of former Red Sox great Ted Williams was reanimated yesterday at the cryonics company where it has been stored since 2002, and Williams promptly criticized Alex Rodriguez for using steroids.

Following Williams’ death in 2002, his body was flown to the Alcor Life Extension Foundation where it was severed from its head via a procedure known as neuroseparation. The body was stored in a 9-foot cylindrical steel tank, and the head was placed in a steel can filled with liquid nitrogen. 

Every year during spring training, scientists at Alcor gingerly remove the head from the can to thaw it out. Then they administer a series of electric shocks that serve to reanimate it for approximately two hours before it finally tuckers out.

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Feb 26

Queen Elizabeth Injured in Freak Snowboarding Accident

royal_queenLEWISTOWN - Queen Elizabeth II was injured yesterday in a freak snowboarding accident while preparing for this weekend’s Snowboarding World Championships.

The Queen was considered a dark horse favorite in the freestyle competition here after taking third place in the Winter Dew Tour Event in Truckee, California last Sunday.

According to a Buckingham Palace spokesman, Her Majesty sustained three broken ribs and a fractured pelvis attempting to perfect her patented front-side melon grab and confirm knighthood on pop music star David Bowie at the same time.

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Feb 24

Defense Department Hires Steelers Defensive Coordinator to Stop Taliban

dickWASHINGTON - Pittsburgh Steelers defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau has been hired by the Defense Department to stop the Taliban insurgency in Afghanistan. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates made the announcement at the Pentagon yesterday.

“We know what Dick was able to do against some of the most dangerous offenses in professional football. We are confident he’ll be able to come up with a game plan to stop this explosive Taliban club.”

Mr. Lebeau said he was excited about the opportunity to use his celebrated schemes off of the football field in the service of his country. ”I’ve been looking at a lot of film of these guys, trying to find tendencies. It’s going to be a challenge.”

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Feb 17

Phelps Loses Kellogg’s Promotion, Signs on as Spokesman for Tommy Chong’s Water Pipe Company

michaelphelpscornflakes

Feb 12

CARBOLIC PHOTO SHOCKER: Alexander Ovechkin Spotted Playing Defense

odCapitals’ winger fails to prevent winning goal, does cause Hell to freeze over


Feb 6

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