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HONOLULU - Controversial 18-year-old golfer Michelle Wie, whose insistence on playing in men’s PGA tournaments despite consistently poor performances has garnered widespread criticism, is now frequenting men’s rooms and using urinals.
Pro golfer Helen Alfredsson said she “felt sad” for Wie because “she so wants to be a man, but she simply hasn’t the plumbing now, has she?”
Wie’s attempts to urinate from a standing position reportedly have not been successful. “She made quite a mess in there,” said a men’s room attendant at a Honolulu country club who asked not to be named.
Wie’s urinal experiment has landed her an endorsement deal with Scrubbing Bubbles Toilet Cleaning Gel.
Green Bay Packers offer him $20 million to stay home and not ride
“If Brett Favre gets hurt, we’re canceling the season,” said Commissioner Roger Goodell. ”There won’t be anyone else for announcers to talk about.”
“Losing your starting quarterback is a big blow,” New England coach Bill Belichick said, “but there are other ways to win football games.”
NFL analysts say Patriots’ season could be doomed; Democrats warn “this is what happens when you go with an inexperienced back-up”
PITTSBURGH - Major League Baseball will start using instant replay tonight, but umpires say they will boycott replays of the sport’s worst team, the Pittsburgh Pirates. According to Mike Port, Baseball’s Vice President of Umpiring, the umpires say it would be “hazardous to their health to relive, especially in slow motion, any portion of a Pirates game.”
The umpires say they will allow replays of Pirates games from 1992, the year the team last had a winning season, or earlier. But Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig said he “isn’t sure how that could work.”
Mr. Port said that “in principle” the umpires support the use of instant replay technology. “Anything to slow down an already near-moribund game is good with us.” But he explained that umpires do not support instant replays that “second-guess” umpires’ decisions. Rather, the umpires want to confine replays to crotch grabbing, bloopers, and ”shots of beautiful women” in the stands.
“If you thought the opening ceremonies were exciting, wait until you see what happens on Sunday,” said one unnamed official.
“This campaign is about a vague sense of hope and dreams of unfulfilled potential,” the Illinois Senator said. “I won’t tarnish it with the presence of someone who’s worked so hard and achieved so much.”
”We love his focus and his intensity,” said NBC News President Steve Capus. “And after all of our Olympic coverage, we figure the transition will be indistinguishable.”
BEIJING - Police arrested a man identified only as Aquaman of Atlantis, defender of the earth’s oceans, after he burst out of the same pool where swimming sensation Michael Phelps had just won his record eighth gold medal and blindsided Mr. Phelps, knocking him to the ground. Mr. Aquaman then dragged Mr. Phelps back into the water while taunting him to race.
“Just you and me, chump,” Mr. Aquaman yelled as he dunked Mr. Phelps’ head under the water. “Right now. Just you and me. Let’s see how fast you really are.”
Chinese police officers quickly circled the melee and, after a violent struggle, snared Mr. Aquaman in a net.
“What the hell is that?” cries Kerri Walsh. “Make it go away!”
BEIJING - Apache activist Sacheen Littlefeather appeared at the Olympics awards ceremony for the men’s 200-meter individual medley to announce that swimming phenom Michael Phelps would not accept his gold medal.
Ms. Littlefeather proceeded to read a lengthy speech Mr. Phelps had written protesting the mistreatment of Native American competitive swimmers: “Mr. Phelps regrets to inform you that he cannot accept your medal. For 200 years we have said to the Indian people, ‘Lay down your arms and join us in the swimming pool, my friends, and we can swim together in peace.’ But when they laid down their arms, we murdered them . . . .”
BEIJING - President Bush and First Lady Laura Bush had their valuables stolen from a hotel safe in a daring overnight swindle. Ling Ting Tong, Head of Security at the Long March Inn, where the President and Mrs. Bush are staying for the duration of the Olympics, was at a loss to explain how such a crime could occur.
“Fortunately, Mr. Charlie Chan is in town visiting relatives. On behalf of the Chinese government, I have asked for his assistance in solving this baffling case.”
Mr. Chan, an Asian-American private eye who is an expert on the inscrutable ways of the Orient, said he would be delighted to help.
BEIJING - Olympic officials have acknowledged that Lin Mioke, the cute, pigtailed seven-year-old who starred in the Olympic’s opening ceremony was actually lip-synching to American pop icon Kate Smith, who was off-stage in a wheelchair.
Lin was scheduled to mouth the patriotic Chinese song, “Ode to the Motherland” while the Chinese flag was being carried into the stadium, but Ms. Smith switched the music at the last minute and insisted on singing her signature song, Irving Berlin’s “God Bless America.” As a result, Lin’s mouthing of the words did not match Ms. Smith’s singing, “and it looked ridiculous,” said Chen Qigang, the ceremony’s music director.
Mr. Qigang immediately ordered that Ms. Smith’s wheelchair be rolled to a nearby field, where she was executed. Ms. Smith’s precise age was not known, but it is believed she was in her 90s.
BEIJING - Wo Fat, long-time nemesis of Hawaii Five-O Inspector Steve McGarrett, met with President Bush yesterday and asked him for his help obtaining an autograph of U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps.
Mr. Fat, a former Red Chinese intelligence officer who spent his entire career attempting to foment revolution on the big island in Hawaii, currently resides in Great Leap Forward Rest Home. Great Leap Forward is an assisted living facility for retired Communist agents in a Beijing suburb.
Mr. Fat and President Bush had breakfast together. They were joined by members of the Beijing Olympic Committee and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice.
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