Tiger Accidentally Read Joseph Stack’s Suicide Rant Instead of Sex Scandal Apology

Tiger-Woods-001NEW YORK – In what public relations experts are calling “the mix up of all mix ups,” on Friday as he stood before a packed, hand-selected audience, Tiger Woods accidentally read Joseph Stack’s suicide rant instead of the apology he had prepared to help put his sex scandal behind him. 

Stack’s suicide manifesto was discovered after he crashed his single-engine Piper Cherokee airplane into an IRS building in Austin, Texas last week.

“We figured something was off when Tiger launched into a rambling tirade trashing the IRS, GM executives, the Catholic Church, the late Sen. Daniel Patrick Moynihan, and George W. Bush,” said communication consultant Chad Hermann. “I immediately knew he was reading either Stack’s suicide rant or the keynote address from the last Democratic National Convention.”

Woods’ publicist, Bob Haas, explained that somehow Woods “grabbed the wrong speech” on his way out of his house.  “But nevertheless, I thought it was very effective.”

Feb 22

Pittsburgh Pirates Ship Equipment to Florida for Start of Spring Training

Caskets

Feb 22

CSB EXCLUSIVE: Luge That Killed Georgian Olympian Was Manufactured by Toyota

ToyotaLugeVANCOUVER – Carbolic Smoke Ball sources have confirmed that Georgian Olympian Nodar Kumaritashvili, who died Friday after crashing during a training run, was riding a luge manufactured by the Toyota Motor Corporation at the time of his accident.

Though Georgian officials blame the speed of the track and IOC officials fault the inexperience of the luger, Royal Canadian Mounted Police investigators now believe that Kumaritashvili’s crash was caused by a design flaw in the sled.

Since 2004, federal regulators have received complaints of 34 deaths in accidents linked to sudden acceleration problems in Toyota models, mostly hybrids and small SUVs. Kumaritashvili’s is the first death linked to the company’s popular IceRunner luge model.

Sources inside the RCMP’s Nordic Traffic Division tell Carbolic Smoke Ball that a “fairly common sequence” of “thigh squeezing and buttock clenching” can cause the sled’s runners to accelerate uncontrollably.

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Feb 17

NOW’s Super Bowl Ad to Show Mother Who Regrets Not Aborting “Real Handful” Son

mother_son_smallThe National Organization for Women will run its own Super Bowl ad to counter the one financed by Focus on the Family, in which Pam Tebow, mother of college football star Tim Tebow, explains that she ignored a doctor’s recommendation to abort the 2007 Heisman Trophy winner.

In the NOW ad, sentimental music swells in the background as Ms. Rosecea Swayne, shown sitting with her son, Jeremy, sweetly explains how life “would be so much better without Jeremy” because “he is a real handful.”  As she hugs him tightly she looks into the camera and tearfully exclaims, “I wish I had aborted the litte bastard.”

NOW also wants the Tebow ad axed “because running our ad along with the Tebow ad would result in a ‘choice overload’ for young women.”

Feb 1

Pirates Owner Bob Nutting Tapped to Rebuild Haiti Due to His Track Record in Pittsburgh

Bob NuttingHaiti says “we’re doomed.”

Jan 29

Pittsburgh Pirates collecting donations for Haiti, Haiti collecting donations for Pittsburgh Pirates

hopeforhaitiHaiti, Pirates issue a joint statement which they say is applicable to both of their collection efforts:  “We call upon all people of good will to generously respond to the extreme devastation brought about by this disaster.  Your immediate help is crucial, given the bleak and hopeless prospects for rebuilding.”

Jan 25

Another Black Eye for Baseball: Pete Rose Bet on Mark McGwire’s Steroid Use

RoseLAS VEGAS – Major League Baseball got yet another black eye today when Sports Illustrated published excerpts from a book due to be released next week showing that former Cincinnati Reds superstar Pete Rose, banned from baseball for life for betting on games while he was the Reds’ manager, started placing bets as early as 1997 that St. Louis Cardinals superstar Mark McGwire was using performance-enhancing drugs. This information comes just a day after McGwire admitted using steroids in the 1980s and 90s.

McGwire lashed out at Rose following the revelation. “It is misconduct such as Rose’s gambling that engenders disrepute of our national pastime.”

Later, reporters caught up with Rose in a Las Vegas airport and asked him to comment on the revelations about McGwire.  Baseball’s all-time hit leader smiled and said, “It’s tragic. And I win.”

Jan 12

For Steelers to Make Playoffs, Bengals and Jets Must Lose

ASTEELERExperts agree that will be difficult because the Bengals and Jets play each other.

Jan 3

Breaking News: Pittsburgh Steelers Sign Woman Who Knocked Down Pope

lingerie-football-1__1242340579_7221VATICAN CITY – The Pittsburgh Steelers have signed the woman who jumped a barricade in St. Peter’s Basilica and knocked Pope Benedict XVI to the floor at the start of midnight Mass.

Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin said the woman will be used to plug up the team’s biggest weakness, the pass defense.  She will start in this week’s game against the Ravens.

“We were very, very impressed with the video we saw from Vatican City,” said Tomlin.  “After Mass, I telephoned the Holy Father, who confirmed that she landed a good, solid hit.  He assured me she’s the real deal, and may be our only hope of making the playoffs.”

Dec 24

Pittsburgh Pirates Expect To Fill PNC Park on “Tiger Woods’ Mistress Day”

TigerMistressDayPNCPARKThe Pittsburgh Pirates released its promotional schedule for the 2010 baseball season, and the roster of giveaways features an exciting first-time event.  On May 9 when the Bucs play the St. Louis Cardinals, the first 20,000 of Tiger Woods’ bedmates will be admitted free of charge on ”Tiger Woods Mistress Day.”

Bucs’ General Manager Neal Huntington explained that to qualify, the mistresses will need to produce a steamy text or voice mail message from Tiger.

Dec 8

Obama Deploys 30,000 Troops to PNC Park in Pittsburgh

PNCPITTSBURGHWEST POINT, N.Y. – In a prime-time speech at the U.S. Military Academy, President Obama announced that “it is in our vital national interest” to send 30,000 troops to PNC Park, the home of the Pittsburgh Pirates, “to bring stability to a volatile part of the world, and to a major league baseball team, that has been ravaged by the ruthless, repressive ownership of the Nutting family.”

The president condemned the Nuttings as “extremists who have distorted and defiled our national pastime” and said that they had engaged in “increasingly brazen and devastating acts of terrorism against the people of Western Pennsylvania.” 

The  decision to deploy troops comes amid rising domestic opposition to the move.  A recent Gallop poll showed that an overwhelming majority of Americans favor imploding PNC Park, while the Pirates are inside.

Dec 2

God: “I Had Nothing To Do With Touchdown”

god2HEAVEN - God, the Alpha and the Omega, creator of the heavens and Earth who has on occasion played an important role in the outcome of professional athletic contests across America, said he had nothing to do with the touchdown pass caught by Dallas Cowboys receiver Miles Austin in the Cowboys’ 37-21 victory over the Falcons.

“I’d like to take credit for the catch, especially since Miles was so quick to give Me all the credit in his post-game remarks, but I didn’t see it.”

God said he regretted missing the play. “From what I’ve been told, Miles did a great job of getting open, and I guess Tony (Romo) made a heckuva throw.” He then chuckled. “Can I say ‘heckuva’?” he quipped.

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Oct 26

Giancana: “I Will Go To Copenhagen”

giancanaCHICAGO – Sam Giancana, Windy City Bon Vivant and Man About Town, told associates he was going to Copenhagen this evening to assist the International Olympic Committee in deciding the location of the 2016 Summer Games. 

Mr. Giancana made his remarks during the course of a wire-tapped phone conversation earlier today.

“I will go to Copenhagen,” said Mr. Giancana.”  And I’ll show those [expletive deleted] Dutch [expletive deleted] wooden shoe-wearing [expletive deleted]  who’s boss. We’re getting the [expletive deleted] summer games, or I’ll be plugging more than [expletive deleted] dikes over there.”

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Oct 2

Chicago Pulls Out Big Guns, Sends Al Capone to Copenhagen For IOC Vote

AlCOPENHAGEN – Alphonse Gabriel “Al” Capone, Chicago’s favorite son and premier bootlegger and racketeer, arrived in Copenhagen yesterday to pitch Chicago for the 2016 Olympics. 

By all accounts, Mr. Capone scored points all day, showing off his world famous charm from the moment he arrived at the airport.

“I’m in Copenhagen?” Capone quipped to reporters when he stepped off the plane.  “I don’t even know what street Copenhagen’s on!”  The press corps roared its approval.

After meeting privately with each IOC member, Capone hinted that he thinks he “sealed the deal” despite heavy lobbying for other cities.  ”That’s because you can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone,” he explained.

Oct 1

Pirates Add G-20 Protesters to Roster

Photo One ProtestersPITTSBURGH – Pirates General Manager Neal Huntington made a scouting visit in the city’s Lawrenceville neighborhood yesterday and quickly signed thirty-two G-20 protesters. He said they would be added to the major league roster immediately.

“My chief goal was to find people who are able to move of their own volition,” he explained. “I watched them closely, and all of them can walk. I like the way some of them handled the protest signs, which suggests they might be able to swing a bat.”

Huntington said the 22 male protesters he signed would be in uniform tomorrow night. “We’re still looking for uniforms for the ten women we signed.”

Sep 25

Steelers Coach Calls on Women to Falsely Accuse Running Backs of Rape

tomlinfalserape[1]PITTSBURGH – Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin came under fire from men’s rights groups when he said it is “the civic duty” of the city’s women to falsely accuse the team’s running backs of rape.

Tomlin said he’s counting on false rape accusations to jump-start the Steelers’ moribund running game in much the same way that Andrea McNulty’s rape claim appears to have lit a fire under quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Roethlisberger passed for 363 yards and engineered the 18th comeback victory of his six-year career to defeat the Tennessee Titans last Thursday.

Men’s rights groups condemned Tomlin’s invitation as “barbaric.” NOW president Rosacea Swayne said she would “make a few calls and see what I can do” for the coach.

Sep 14

Olympic Torch Implicated in Wildfire Arson

NEW YORK – The International Olympic Committee was charged with arson yesterday after police concluded that the iconic Olympic Torch was used to start the massive wildfire that has scorched 226 square miles north of Los Angeles.

Police say the Olympic Torch also may have been used to start as many as nine fires from California all the way to the Pocono Mountains of Pennsylvania.

The FBI said it is investigating the Olympic Torch’s possible connection to the MGM Grand Hotel fire in Las Vegas in 1980.

Sep 4

Favre Arrives in Minnesota

favremobile2

Aug 19

Pittsburgh Pirates Trade Fans to Buffalo

fanstradedThe Pittsburgh Pirates announced a blockbuster deal that will send all of its fans to Buffalo in exchange for fan prospects who currently root for the Buffalo Bisons, the Triple-A affiliate of the New York Mets.

The Pirates’ fans were called into team manager John Russell’s office late last night and informed of the trade.

“For a long time, we’ve been focusing on the wrong thing — getting better players — when the problem has been the fans all along,” said team general manager Neal Huntington. “Our scouts tell us that these fan prospects from Buffalo have all the tools we need to take the Pittsburgh Pirates to the next level.”

Pirates fans had mixed emotions. “I saw this coming, but it still hurts,” said fan Bob Haas. “To his credit, Neal said the Pirates will assume responsibility for erecting ‘for sale’ signs on our front lawns.  And the way he described Buffalo, I think we’re really going to like Coca-Cola Field.”

Aug 6

Timberlake Tied to Swimsuit Malfunction

BerensROME – Justin Timberlake, accused by many of being the architect of Janet Jackson’s infamous “wardrobe malfunction” during the Super Bowl XXXVIII halftime show, was implicated in U.S. swimmer Ricky Beren’s “swimsuit malfunction” that occurred during the World Swimming Championships in Rome on Sunday.

Shortly before Berens stepped up to the starting block for a qualifying heat of the 4x100m relay freestyle, Timberlake was entertaining the crowd with a medley of his hits.  At precisely the point when the singer reached the final line of “Rock Your Body” — “I’m gonna have you naked by the end of this song” – Berens leaned down to stretch and tore his suit, exposing his backside.

The mishap, dubbed “Keistergate,” came eerily at precisely the same spot in “Rock Your Body” that Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction occurred 5 1/2 years ago, leading some to speculate it was no coincidence.

Timberlake claimed he had no involvement in the incident, which shocked large segments of the American public.  The Parents Television Council claimed it received over 60,000 letters and emails from heterosexual men who say the incident turned them gay.

Jul 29

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