Mr. James said he received a vocational calling from the Holy Spirit during Game Six of his teams NBA playoff game this past season.

According to Mr. James, the Holy Spirit was sitting court side, and spent the entire contest heckling him about joining the priesthood.  “Now, I can finally reveal why I performed so poorly during the climactic Game Seven contest. I was torn between my desire to serve the one true Holy Roman Catholic church, and my goal of winning a championship for my home town. Something had to give.  In the end, it was basketball.”

Mr. James is expected to enter St. Fidelis seminary in Butler, Pennsylvania.

He described his decision as prayerful, time-consuming, and final, and praised Pope Benedict for getting the deal done.  “I really want to thank the Holy Father for freeing up the cap space that allows me to join this organization.”

To make room for Father LeBron, the Vatican announced that it will place an unspecified number of clergy on waivers.  According to the rules of the current Christianity Bargaining Agreement, after forty-eight hours they are free to sign with any other denomination. 

A Papal spokesman said the cuts were difficult, but necessary.  “Any time you get the opportunity to add a Lebron James to your team, you’ve got to make the most of it,” said Father Joe Dunn.  “He’s a once in a generation vicar of Christ on Earth.”

“Our interviews with Ryan indicate that he may be having trouble separating fantasy from reality, or, in the worst case scenario, is entering the early stages of dementia,” said Pirates team physician Dr. Joseph Dunn. 

“The poor fellow is under the impression that he is a member of a professional baseball team,” he continued, shaking his head slowly from side to side.  “Can you imagine the trauma his brain must have endured to harbor such preposterous thoughts?”

Dunn said that under the circumstances, he was unable to release Ryan from his care.   Doumit remains hospitalized under round the clock supervision.   Dr. Dunn added that a rigorous program of shock therapy could bring Mr. Doumit to his senses.

“We have accumulated an extensive amount of videotape from this seasons Pirate games that Ryan will watch.”  The videotape includes numerous footage of Pirate players booting ground balls, dropping pop flys, swinging and missing, and of course, having two men standing on third base at the same time.

“If, after prolonged exposure to the graphic scenes contained on these tapes, Ryan still persists in expressing the delusional belief that he does indeed play on a major league baseball team, we may have no choice but to institutionalize him for the remainder of his natural life.”

 ”Some people call me the Mad Monk,” he said.  “I’m mad all right.  Mad about the way these guys play the coolest game on ice!” 

Mr. Rasputin is in town to deliver a series of lectures at the University of Pennsylvania Medical Center on the effectiveness of staring as a way to combat juvenile hemophilia.   “It worked for the Czar’s kid.  It can work for yours.”  

The iconic mystic predicted a quick Flyers victory over the Boston Bruins, followed by a sound thrashing of the Chicago Black Hawks in the  finals.  ”I look forward to committing the most vile and depraved acts of debauchery with the Stanley Cup once we win the championship,” he hollered, to a round of lusty cheers from the Flyers. 

Team captain Mike Richards described meeting Rasputin as the realization of a life-long dream.  ”He’s just as mesmerizing, just as powerfully charismatic as he was described in my World Cultures textbook back in eleventh grade. And he’s really got this playoff beard thing going.”

 ”When you’re as great as I am, you need a faith that is just as great,” he told members of the Beth Israel Synagogue.  “From this day forward, Allah and I are through. I am now a believer in the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.  And, I’d like to be called Irving Greenbaum. Shalom.”  Then, in a shocking turn of events, Mr. Greenbaum told the congregation he had accepted his draft notice from the Israeli Army.

“I didn’t have no quarrel with them Viet Cong, but me and them Palestinians are gonna get it on,” he shouted.  “If you were surprised when Nixon resigned, wait until I whup Ahmadinejad’s behind!”

Mr. Greenbaum said he looked forward to fulfilling his two year military committment, and to spending the remainder of his life behind the counter of the kosher delicatessen he plans to open when he returns.

“I just didn’t have it tonight,” said the forlorn pitcher, who spoke with members of the media following the game. “I left too many pitches out over the middle of the plate. You can’t do that against a club like Milwaukee.”

Pirates manager John Russell was characteristically upbeat afterward, commenting on the game over a refreshing glass of lukewarm tap water. “I thought we hung in there, battled,” he said.

“With the exception of one bad inning, when they hit eighteen grand slams, I thought we competed.”

Russell cited the way his team hustled on and off the field between innings as evidence that the club is turning the corner.

“We’re making progress, heading in the right direction,” he said. “We’re just going to keep stressing the fundamentals, playing the game the right way, and come out here tomorrow and do it all over again.”

Mr. Roethlisberger’s attorney, David Cornwell, quickly issued a retraction on behalf of his client, blaming a shoddy proofreader in his office for what he described as a “regrettable error.” 

Mr. Cornwell’s retraction was an attempt to calm an outraged public that anticipated a statement of contrition from the Super Bowl winning signal caller following his league mandated punishment for furnishing alcohol to an underage coed in a Georgia nightclub.

“Ben understands that he has disappointed his many fans,” he said. “And he is committed to fulfilling the requirements of his suspension as stipulated by the Commissioner so he can rejoin the team as quickly as possible.”

When asked what Mr. Roethlisberger meant when he pledged to “do whatever he wanted to whomever he wanted whenever he damn well pleased,” Mr. Cornwell smiled. “That was an early, rough draft. That never should have gone out.”

He offered a final clarification. “Again, first statement, ‘I’m not sorry, go to hell, Goodell is a dead man,’ inoperative. Second statement, ‘I let everyone down, I’ll do whatever I need to do, Commissioner is the boss, sunshine lollipops and roses,’ that’s what we’re going with.”

When the “duel arenas” are seen from the air, Ravenstahl explained they will simulate “a beautiful woman.”

The plan is crucial to Pittsburgh’s survival, the Mayor explained, because “our town has gone from a world-class city to a third-rate bupkis, and this will give us much-needed kinkiness cachet.”

“It will be like administering a massive shot of Viagra to the Burgh.”

The 2010 NFL draft, which begins this evening, will be televised live to over three hundred countries around the globe. It will also be broadcast to galaxies beyond our own by the new NFL satellite, “Bednarik I.”

ESPN draft expert Mel Kiper Jr. was effusive in his praise for what he described as a bumper crop of ne’er do wells.

“I don’t know if I’ve ever been around a draft with so much criminal talent. You look across the board, you’ve got sociopaths at every position. I’m talking narcotics abusers, tax cheats, child-support evaders, fellows who aren’t afraid to carry unregistered firearms, you name it. And that’s just the first round!” 

According to Mr. Kiper, this year’s draft may exceed the historic 1984 draft for future incarcerations.

“This is a draft filled with impact-type players. The potential for many of these players to engage in criminal activity immediately after joining their team is unsurpassed.

“If I was a law enforcement official, or a county prosecutor in some of these cities, particularly cities where general managers had the foresight to obtain additional picks over the off-season, I would be very, very excited. 

“I’ve followed many of these guys since their early days in juvenile detention centers around the country, and believe me when I tell you they are going to make their presence known right away,” he said, before adding, “God help us all.”

Last night, the Commissioner issued the following statement: “I am disappointed in my behavior. I will be meeting with myself in the near future to discuss this matter and any possible disciplinary actions I may be facing. At this point, my investigation is ongoing. I am still in the early stages of gathering all of the facts. When I have an opportunity to sit down and talk to myself about the events in question I’ll be better able to make an informed decision.”

Mr. Goodell said he could be facing a possible suspension, or fine, or perhaps both.  “I’m in some hot water here,” he said.

“I’m well within my rights as defined by the collective bargaining agreement to read me the riot act. And I just might do it.”  

According to sources, Mr. Goodell and members of his entourage became enraged when the money they had thrown at a number of exotic dancers, a practice known as “making it rain,” was collected by club employees.

Threats were exchanged, and at least one witness said they heard the sound of gunshots.

When police arrived, Mr. Goodell tried to exit the club through an employee entrance.

“He said he was doing some advance scouting for the Oakland Raiders cheerleading coordinator,” said Police Chief O’Hara. “Saints preserve us!”