Blog Archives

PUN SPECTACULAR: Reporter’s Questions Don’t Bode Well with Miller

Posted in Puns, Sports

Local Store Owner Conflicted About Which Team To Root For In Tomorrow’s Army-Navy Game

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Posted in Sports

LeBron James To Enter The Seminary

GREENWICH - Lebron James ended months of speculation last night when he announced during an ESPN special broadcast that he is leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers and entering the seminary.   Mr. James said he received a vocational calling from the Holy Spirit

Posted in Extras, Sports, U.S. News

Concussed Pirates Catcher Thinks He’s Member of Major League Baseball Team, Additional Tests Ordered

PITTSBURGH – Ryan Doumit, the starting catcher for the Pittsburgh Pirates who sustained a concussion during a game last Sunday at PNC Park, is still suffering the effects of the blow to his head. “Our interviews with Ryan indicate that

Posted in Extras, Sports

Rasputin Won’t Shave Playoff Beard Until Flyers Win Stanley Cup

PHILADELPHIA - Grigori Rasputin, Russian mystic and self-described hockey fanatic, visited with members of the Philadelphia Flyers yesterday and informed them that he wouldn’t be shaving until after the team wins the Stanley Cup.  ”Some people call me the Mad Monk,” he

Posted in Extras, International News, Sports

Muhammad Ali Converts To Judaism, Changes Name To Irving Greenbaum

LOUISVILLE – Over four decades after he shook up the world by converting to Islam, sixty-eight year old former heavyweight champion Muhammad Ali announced yesterday that he is changing religions – and names – once again.  This time, he’s embracing

Posted in Carbolic News, Extras, Pop Culture, Religion, Sports, U.S. News

Brewers Defeat Pirates 257-0; Bucs Skipper Sees Improvement

The Milwaukee Brewers extended their home winning streak against the Pirates last night to twenty-two games with a historic 257-0 victory. Pirates starter Zach Duke, who surrendered 195 runs in 2 1/3 innings, was charged with the loss. “I just didn’t

Posted in Sports

Roethlisberger Issues Statement Claiming “He’d Do It Again In A Minute”; Attorney Quickly Issues Retraction

PITTSBURGH – Embattled quarterback Ben Roethlisberger issued a press release yesterday claiming “he’d do it all over again” given the chance, swearing vengeance on NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell for punishing him with a six game suspension, and deriding behavioral therapy as “a

Posted in Sports

Pittsburgh to Keep Civic Arena, Build Second One ‘To Simulate Beautiful Woman From the Air’

PITTSBURGH – Mayor Luke Ravenstahl announced that the Rust Belt Capital of the World will not demolish its iconic domed Civic Arena when the city’s hockey team, the Penguins, vacate it to take up residence in the new Consol Energy Center, but

Posted in Local News, Sports

Experts: NFL 2010 Draft Class Loaded With Criminal Talent

NEW YORK – The consensus among NFL draft analysts is that this year’s class is the deepest class in recent memory for teams looking to add social deviants and miscreants to their rosters.  The 2010 NFL draft, which begins this

Posted in Sports

Roger Goodell To Oversee Roethlisberger Suspension To Insure Blood Doesn’t Run To His Head

Posted in Sports

Goodell Arrested In Strip Club Brawl; Will Meet With Self To Determine Possible Disciplinary Action

NEW YORK – Less than forty-eight hours before the NFL draft, Commissioner Roger Goodell was arrested for participating in a melee that erupted in a mid-town gentlemen’s club on Tuesday afternoon. Last night, the Commissioner issued the following statement: “I am

Posted in Sports

Goodell Orders Roethlisberger To Submit To Counseling, Castration

NEW YORK - NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell emerged from a closed door meeting with Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger yesterday and told a gathering of reporters that he was ordering the embattled signal caller to submit to counseling as a way of changing the behavior that has

Posted in Sports

Contrite Roethlisberger Apologizes for “the Incident in Georgia, and Also This Haircut”

Posted in Sports, U.S. News

Roethlisberger Celebrates Exoneration By Hiring Duke Lacrosse Stripper For Private Show

PITTSBURGH – Minutes after it was announced Ben Roethlisberger won’t be charged with sexual assault in connection with a March 5 accusation by a 20-year-old college student, Mr. Roethlisberger declared that he has “learned a lot from my ordeal,” and said that

Posted in Gender News, Sports

Golf Greats Swap Wiccan Marriage Vows at Augusta

AUGUSTA - Golf legends Jack Nicklaus and Arnold Palmer tied the knot yesterday in a secret Wiccan same-sex marriage ceremony at storied Augusta National Golf Course.  The exclusive golf club is among the oldest covens of initiated Wiccan priests and priestesses in the

Posted in Gender News, Sports

Eerie Tiger Woods Nike Ad Features The Late Moe Howard Scolding Him

NEW YORK – Nike has released an ad some are calling ”disturbing” featuring a close-up of disgraced golfer Tiger Woods with the shocking, pre-recorded voice-over of the Three Stooges’ Moe Howard scolding him. Mr. Howard passed away in 1975. The unmistakable impression is

Posted in Ads, Sports

WVU Will Donate Unburned Couches To Haitian Relief

MORGANTOWN - President James Clements announced yesterday that West Virginia University would donate all unburned couches on campus to the citizens of Haiti to assist with earthquake relief efforts. Maintenance workers spent the better part of the last forty-eight hours disassembling what students were calling

Posted in Education, Sports

Pittsburgh’s Disaster Early Warning System Will Blare Siren Ten Minutes Before Pirates Games

PITTSBURGH – Mayor Luke Ravenstahl announced that Pittsburgh is getting a disaster early warning system that will alert people of a pending catastrophe. “Ten minutes before the start of every Pirates game, a siren will blare from Mellon Square, warning everyone a

Posted in Sports

Pope Apologizes For Church’s Sex Sins, Says He’ll Play In The Masters

VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI expressed the Church’s “shame and remorse” for its involvement in “sinful and criminal” sex scandals in Ireland and the United States, and confirmed that he will play in this year’s Masters tournament. “Obviously, the ratings for

Posted in Religion, Sports
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