18,000-Year-Old Pottery Found in Chinese Cave The Only Pan Capable of Enhancing Texture of Aunt Mae’s Lemon Sponge Pie

lemon-pie-ct-1667887-xTEL AVIV – Israeli archaeologist Dr. Rasa Tabula has discovered the world’s oldest known pottery, an 18,000-year-old pie pan, in the Yuchanyan Cave located in the Yangzi River basin. 

Dr. Tabula immediately delivered the ancient artifact to her Aunt, Mae Birnbaum, 80, a homemaker in Tel Aviv, so that the old woman could use it to bake one of her world-famous lemon sponge pies.

The pie was “a sensation,” said Mrs. Birnbaum’s friends and family. 

Modern pie pans have been ruining the old woman’s signature pie for years, causing undue flaking and over-browning, sources reported.  “But this pan baked a picture-perfect pie,” said Dr. Tabula. ”It’s the only pan Aunt Mae will use from now on.”

Dr. Tabula heads back to the Yuchanyan Cave next week in the hope of finding matching mugs and silverware.

Jun 16

NASA Instructs Shuttle Astronauts to Fix Hubble

hubble“If we need to have a service call, that’s two billion dollars just for the guy to walk in the door,” said NASA director Noah Swayne.

May 18

Television Home Improvement Pioneer Leads Repair Mission to Fix Space Shuttle Tiles

bob_vila_0HOUSTON – Within minutes after astronauts on the space shuttle Atlantis spotted a trail of small dings on four heat-resistant tiles of the spacecraft, NASA announced that it was sending Bob Vila, former star of television’s pioneering home improvement show This Old House, into space on a repair mission.

Vila, who will blast off this morning on the space shuttle Discovery, diagnosed the problem with the damaged tiles. 

“One of the most common problems with tile, whether in space or on earth, is that people don’t wait 24 hours to grout,” Vila explained. “That’s exactly what happened here. It’s that simple.”

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May 13

Antarctic Ice Shelf Breaks Off, HGTV Carpenters Dispatched to Fix It

ANTARCTIC PENINSULA - A major Antarctic ice shelf the size of New York City broke off last month after the collapse of an ice bridge, scientists say.

“Throughout all recorded history, the disintegration of this ice proceeded at a glacial pace,” explained Dr. Samuel Blatchford, Dean of Glacial Science at the University of Antarctica. ”But the rapidity with which the ice is now melting can only be attributed to global warming.”

United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon said the situation is so dire that he hasl dispatched carpenters from the HGTV series “Designed to Sell” to fix the broken shelf.  ”They are not only expert craftsmen, but some of them are real hunks, if you know what I mean,” winked Ki-moon. 

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Apr 29

Scientist: We Know Who Put the Bomp in the Bomp Bah Bomp Bah Bomp

bompBRILLVILLE - It is a mystery that has baffled mankind since the dawn of time, a conundrum that has confounded the world’s leading philosophers, scientists and theologians for thousands of years: Who, or what, put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp? And, as a corollary, who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong?

According to Dr. Barry Mann, the answer is imminent. “I am pleased to report that after decades of exhaustive study and millions of dollars in foundation grants and government subsidies expended, we are close to a breakthrough.”

For now, speculation abounds that the man who inserted the bomp, rama, bop and dip da dip da dip resides in Turtle Creek, Pennsylvania.

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Apr 21

Men More Receptive Than Women to Airports’ Full Body Imaging Machines Due To Differences In Genders’ Body Image

full-body-imagingArtist’s rendering of how women and men imagine they look as they pass through a full body imaging machine.

Apr 20

Scientist “Thankful” Our Skin Isn’t Made of Sponge Material When It Rains

science-editorCommentary by Carbolic Science Editor, Dr. Noah Swayne:

Have you ever thought about how lucky we are to have skin?  Have you ever considered what would happen if our bodies were covered with sponge-like material instead of skin?  I mean from a SCIENTIFIC perspective?

Well, I have.

In a heavy rain, our bodies would absorb so much water that our weight would nearly double. We would collapse on the floor, immobilized in a wet puddle due to the added weight.

We would need to get a (dried out!) friend or other person to squeeze the water out of us just so we could stand up and walk around the room.

So the next time someone suggests it would be “better” if our bodies were covered with sponge material instead of skin, just point out these simple SCIENTIFIC facts.

Apr 6

Sun Turns 5 Billion-Years-Old at 6:11 pm

photo-one-the-sunNEW YORK – All activity on earth will pause for one minute at 6:11 pm today, the exact moment the sun was born five billion years ago. Scientists know it is the exact moment because Al Gore told them so.

Tonight, the earth will kick off a 500-year-long birthday bash in honor of the yellow dwarf star at the center of its solar system. Scientists say that without the sun, there would be no light on earth.

“The festivities will be marked by continuous parades, fireworks, face painting, mime performances, crafts booths and lots of booze,” said UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon. “When this party’s over, we’re gonna have a whale of a hangover.

Apr 3

Alaskan Volcano Back on Eruption Watch; Seismologists Blame AIG Executives

volcanoIncrease in seismic activity “likely represents the Earth’s anger” over bonus payments, says scientist Noah Swayne

Mar 24

Local Man an Hour Late for Everything Last Week, Tardiness Attributed to Blip in Space-Time Continuum

photo-one-noah-swaynePITTSBURGH – Physicists say they can’t explain why Noah Swayne was an hour late for everything last week.

Mr. Swayne was late getting to work, to church, and to the dentist. He missed every one of his favorite television programs.

“The only possible explanation is that there was a blip in the space-time continuum,” explained Dr. Bob Haas of the Buhl Planetarium. Dr. Haas confided that he, too, noticed “something was wrong with the time.”

Dr. Haas explained: “The scientific literature suggests this phenomenon often rights itself by giving the affected individual his hour back, usually by early November.”

Mar 16

Octuplet Mom Vows to Top Herself: Convinces Doc to Turn Her Into a Centaur

centaur

Mar 13

Celebs Stage Fundraiser for Devastation Caused to Jupiter by Storm That’s Raged for 340 Years

jupiter_0aHOLLYWOOD – Bono, Madonna, Miley Cyrus and a host of other music industry luminaries will stage a fundraising concert in May to help Jupiter recover from the devastation caused by the enormous hurricane that has been raging inside that planet’s “Great Red Spot” for at least 340 years.

The “Red Spot” is larger than the earth, and the windstorm within it provides no evidence of letting up.

The concert, to be called The Concert for a Spotless Jupiter, will be held in Moscow’s Red Square “to underscore the unity of Earth’s most famous ‘red’ spot with Jupiter’s,” said Madonna.

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Mar 10

NASA Will Build HOV Lane to the Moon

nasaWASHINGTON – NASA administrator Michael Griffith announced yesterday that the space agency will build an HOV lane to the moon.

The project, which has been on the NASA wish list for decades, finally received the green light last week as part of the stimulus package legislation signed by President Obama.

“With resources dwindling and populations exploding, it’s only a matter of time before mankind will be forced to leave this planet in search of additional space,” said Mr. Griffith. ”We envision a day in the not-too-distant future when space travelers will enjoy the benefits of rapid interstellar flight so long as they have a minimum of two people in the spacecraft.”

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Mar 4

Miracle: Clinton Cat Resurrected!

photo-one-pet-semataryWASHINGTON – Socks, the beloved White House cat during the Clinton administration, is alive one week after being declared dead.

“It’s a miracle!” declared former President Bill Clinton. “I buried him myself in Pet Sematary, but yesterday he turned up at the back door.”

While the Clintons are “thrilled” to have the former first feline back, Mr. Clinton confided that Socks is behaving strangely since his return. “He’s hissing and lunging at humans, and he reeks of decomposition.”

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Mar 3

Ted Williams’ Head Unthawed, Blasts A-Rod

ted20williams_0-1SCOTTSDALE – The head of former Red Sox great Ted Williams was reanimated yesterday at the cryonics company where it has been stored since 2002, and Williams promptly criticized Alex Rodriguez for using steroids.

Following Williams’ death in 2002, his body was flown to the Alcor Life Extension Foundation where it was severed from its head via a procedure known as neuroseparation. The body was stored in a 9-foot cylindrical steel tank, and the head was placed in a steel can filled with liquid nitrogen. 

Every year during spring training, scientists at Alcor gingerly remove the head from the can to thaw it out. Then they administer a series of electric shocks that serve to reanimate it for approximately two hours before it finally tuckers out.

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Feb 26

Astronaut: Chimpanzee Attack Could Lead to Planet Ruled by Apes

planet-of-the-apes-1HARTFORD  - The murderous rampage of a local chimpanzee could lead to a world dominated by simian creatures, according to astronaut George Taylor.

“I’ve experienced the lash at the hands of these damn, dirty apes. I know the evil and cruelty that resides in their black hearts. I believe we should pass Federal legislation as soon as possible prohibiting the keeping of primates as pets.”

Many people have been domesticating monkeys and chimpanzees for years. Dr. Joseph Dunn, noted zoologist, scoffed at Mr. Taylor’s remarks.

“Aside from the joys of learning to smoke cigars and ride motorscooters, these animals have demonstrated little aptitude for so-called normal human behavior.”

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Feb 19

Al Gore Subs for Groundhog

photo-two-al-gorePUNXSUTAWNEY, PA – Groundhog Day revelers waiting to learn if Punxsutawney Phil would see his shadow were shocked yesterday morning when the famous rodent’s handlers reached into his burrow and pulled out Al Gore instead.

Mr. Gore, who declared Phil’s prognostications “obsolete,” promptly announced that he could see his shadow, and that “there will only be six more weeks of winter — ever.”

Feb 3

Pittsburgh Steelers Win Super Bowl!

photo-one-asteroid2Asteroid Likely to Destroy All Life on Earth

PITTSBURGH – The capital of the Steeler Nation is delirious – “drunk with ecstasy,” as one eyewitness put it – because the Steelers have won an unprecedented sixth Super Bowl be defeating the Arizona Cardinals 27-23.

“Now I can die in peace,” said 88-year-old Noah Swayne of Pittsburgh’s North Side, “because my Steelers are back on top!”

Mr. Swayne might just get his wish later today when Asteroid 433 Eros is expected to crash in Utah and destroy all life on earth as we know it. People around the world, except Pittsburgh, are preparing for the collision by gathering with loved ones and attending prayer services.

In Western Pennsylvania, the asteroid will just have to wait while hung-over fans run to stores to buy up anything that says “Steelers” to celebrate the big win.

Feb 2

Health Tip: After You’ve Had Someone By the Balls, Be Sure to Wash Your Hands

science-editorCommentary By Dr. Noah Swayne, Scientist

As I was walking through Grand Central Station the other day, I heard one giggling college-aged woman say to another, ”I had my him by the balls.”  I immediately spun around to query if they fully understood the ramifications of handling testicles. They looked at me, then at each other, and quickly ran off into the terminal. I’m guessing they were late for class.

Nevertheless, the girls raised an important point from a SCIENTIFIC perspective. Having someone by the balls can be an amusing thing, but it’s also serious business (or, as Bob Hope would say, serious bid-ness).

The scrotum is “ground zero” for bacterial build-up. It is replete with SWEAT GLANDS, and is nestled under the PENIS, which emits a bodily waste that scientists call URINE. With all that YUK going on down there, you can understand why we say that if you have someone by the balls, it is imperative that you WASH YOUR HANDS as soon as you let go. Each set of balls should come with a sign akin to those in restaurant restrooms, “Handlers must wash hands!”

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Jan 6

#5: Shocker: Lunar Rover Left on Moon in 1972 is Covered With Parking Tickets!

lunarticketsCAPE CANAVERAL – A satellite photo taken last week revealed that the Lunar Rover, abandoned on the surface of the moon in 1972 by Apollo 17 astronauts, is covered with parking tickets.

NASA Administrator Michael Griffin said he is “very disappointed” that the astronauts apparently left the vehicle, nicknamed the “moon buggy,” in a “No Parking” zone before leaving the moon’s surface. 

“We need to get someone back to the moon to move that vehicle before it’s towed — and to pay those tickets,” Griffin explained.  “The United States of America will not be known throughout the universe as a parking scofflaw.”

Dec 31

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