NASA Administrator Noah Swayne, Jr. said he is “very disappointed” that the astronauts apparently left the vehicle, nicknamed the “moon buggy,” in a “No Parking” zone before leaving the moon’s surface. 

“We need to get someone back to the moon to move that vehicle before it’s towed — and to pay those tickets,” Swayne explained.  “The United States of America will not be known throughout the universe as a parking scofflaw.”

Swayne immediately grabbed a few of the rock-like instruments and opened the hood of his long-idled ’73 Pinto and went to work.  Now Swayne claims that the tools are the only ones capable of fixing the old car.

“I’m not sure what prompted me to try using the ancient tools on the Pinto, but it turned out to be a miracle,” Swayne exclaimed. 

“I’d given up on the damn thing, but with these tools, I was able to fix everything wrong with the car — the fuel line, piston rings, overhead valve components — and it only took me about a half hour.” 

Archaeologists are urging Swayne to donate the tools to a museum.

“All in good time,” Swayne says.  “I can’t give them away for as long as I own the Pinto.”

“For years we have all read or heard that laughter is the best medicine,” said Dr. Kevin Matschner, who co-authored the report.  “But, after careful observation of the men participating in our study suffering from urinary tract blockages, I believe we can state categorically that laughter had little or no effect on the alleviation of their suffering.”

Dr. Matschner offered the following explanation to support his findings.  “One group of men felled by kidney stones were kept in a room and exposed to round the clock viewings of films from comedians ranging from Buster Keaton and W.C. Fields to Jim Carrey and Will Ferrell.   Another group with the same affliction was kept in a hilarity-free chamber and administered a series of antibiotics and injections intended to dissolve their stones.  In every single case, the men who received laughter-only treatment for their malady became more irritable, more violent, and in some cases, lost consciousness.”

Dr. Matschner added that the University has written a new grant proposal to the Department of Health and Human Services seeking Federal funding to complete a new study.

“This time, we’re going to determine once and for all if laughter is truly the best medicine for leprosy.”

By Dr. Noah Swayne, Scientist

It is a subject of endless fascination for guys.

I can’t tell you how many times a day guys want to share with me the intimate details of their wives’ and girlfriends’ menstruations, and, I do the same with them. We can’t talk enough about it! But the fact is, few of us really know — “what is this thing called menstruation?”

And that brings us right back where we started!

Putting aside all humorous quips and jibes about PMS, sanitary products and mood swings, the answer is really quite SCIENTIFIC.

First, even though the term “menstruation” starts with “men,” this SCIENTIFIC phenomenon is purely a “lady thing.”

Second, menstruation is nothing more than the shedding of the uterine lining during the regular reproductive cycles (the “PERIODS”) of female mammals, including that lovely, infuriating specimen you and I call “woman.” The ancient writer Hippocrates believed that menstruation was intended to cleanse the body of “evil humours” (humours, to the ancient Greeks, were fluids — go figure!). And does anyone doubt that Mr. Hippocrates knew a thing or two about menstruation!

So, guys, this thing we call menstruation is as natural — to them — as flatulence is to us.  (I explore all these concepts in considerable detail in my upcoming tell-all, “Douche Bag Culture.”)

But who would know more about menstruation than Mr. Cole Porter?

“What is this thing called menstruation? This funny thing called menstruation? Just who can solve its mystery? Why should it make a fool of me?  I saw you there one wonderful day. You took my heart and threw it away. That’s why I ask the lord in heaven above. What is this thing called menstruation?”

 “There were some holdout scientists who believed, erroneously as it turned out, that oil and water could be mixed,” explained Noah Swayne, Head Scientist at the NAS,  “but in the end they couldn’t ignore the evidence – this thing that’s happened in the gulf.” 

The NAS was created by President Lincoln in 1863 as an honorific society of scholars engaged in scientific research and dedicated to the use of science and technology for the general welfare.

When asked if the NAS had any thoughts on how to deal with the environmental catastrophe caused by the oil leak, Swayne shrugged and said, “We don’t have a clue.  That’s the billion dollar question, isn’t it?”  He promised that the NAS would turn its attention to the leak in the gulf as soon as they finish their research on which came first – the chicken or the egg.

Ms. Ariel was pronounced dead by a team of rescue workers stationed on the beach, who also pronounced her foul-smelling and covered with black gunk.

British Petroleum CEO Lord David Halifax issued a statement of regret on behalf of his company, and vowed to do everything in his power to protect other mermaids from sharing Ariel’s fate. ”However,” he said, ”I must add that if Ariel hadn’t been so close to the surface, perhaps attempting to interact with human beings, in direct violation of the orders given to her by her dear father, King Triton, she would be alive today.” 

Funeral arrangements for the Little Mermaid were being handled by Red Lobster, Inc.