Study: Laughter Not Best Medicine For Kidney Stones

kidney_stones_big_photoNEW HAVEN – A report released today by the New England Journal of Medicine concludes that laughter may not be the best medicine for kidney stones.

“For years we have all read or heard that laughter is the best medicine,” said Dr. Kevin Matschner, who co-authored the report.  “But, after careful observation of the men participating in our study suffering from urinary tract blockages, I believe we can state categorically that laughter had little or no effect on the alleviation of their suffering.”

Dr. Matschner offered the following explanation to support his findings.  “One group of men felled by kidney stones were kept in a room and exposed to round the clock viewings of films from comedians ranging from Buster Keaton and W.C. Fields to Jim Carrey and Will Ferrell.   Another group with the same affliction was kept in a hilarity-free chamber and administered a series of antibiotics and injections intended to dissolve their stones.  In every single case, the men who received laughter-only treatment for their malady became more irritable, more violent, and in some cases, lost consciousness.”

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Jun 24

The Science Corner: What Is This Thing Called Menstruation?

Noah_SwayneBy Dr. Noah Swayne, Scientist – We’ve all heard the song “What is this thing called love?” by possibly homosexual songwriter Cole Porter. Well, that’s the same question a lot of guys are asking about menstruation: What is this thing called menstruation?

It is a subject of endless fascination for guys.

I can’t tell you how many times a day guys want to share with me the intimate details of their wives’ and girlfriends’ menstruations, and, I do the same with them. We can’t talk enough about it! But the fact is, few of us really know — “what is this thing called menstruation?”

And that brings us right back where we started!

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May 25

Scientific Panel: BP Spill Conclusively Proves Oil and Water Don’t Mix

oilwater1WASHINGTON – A month after British Petroleum’s underwater oil well began spewing thousands of gallons of crude oil in the Gulf of Mexico, the National Academy of Sciences (NAS) has determined that oil and water cannot be combined “chemically or by any other means.”  

 “There were some holdout scientists who believed, erroneously as it turned out, that oil and water could be mixed,” explained Noah Swayne, Head Scientist at the NAS,  “but in the end they couldn’t ignore the evidence – this thing that’s happened in the gulf.” 

The NAS was created by President Lincoln in 1863 as an honorific society of scholars engaged in scientific research and dedicated to the use of science and technology for the general welfare.

When asked if the NAS had any thoughts on how to deal with the environmental catastrophe caused by the oil leak, Swayne shrugged and said, “We don’t have a clue.  That’s the billion dollar question, isn’t it?”  He promised that the NAS would turn its attention to the leak in the gulf as soon as they finish their research on which came first – the chicken or the egg.

May 25

AMA: Placebo Effect Too Strong So Placebo Dosage To Be Cut By Half

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May 25

Little Mermaid Latest Victim Of Gulf Oil Spill

MermaidGALVESTON - Ariel, the little mermaid who stole the hearts of millions and saved a struggling Hollywood studio over twenty years ago, washed ashore yesterday morning, the latest victim of the Gulf Coast oil spill.

Ms. Ariel was pronounced dead by a team of rescue workers stationed on the beach, who also pronounced her foul-smelling and covered with black gunk.

British Petroleum CEO Lord David Halifax issued a statement of regret on behalf of his company, and vowed to do everything in his power to protect other mermaids from sharing Ariel’s fate. ”However,” he said, ”I must add that if Ariel hadn’t been so close to the surface, perhaps attempting to interact with human beings, in direct violation of the orders given to her by her dear father, King Triton, she would be alive today.” 

Funeral arrangements for the Little Mermaid were being handled by Red Lobster, Inc.

May 5

Scientists Pinpoint Source of Massive Ash Cloud Over Europe

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Apr 19

NASA Satellite Photo Shows Lone User of Electricity During Earth Hour: A Tennessee Mansion Owned By a Mr. Albert Gore

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Mar 29

Mad Scientists Wonder: ‘What Does Health Reform Mean For Me?’

upmc-adaWith Congress’s historic passage of health reform Sunday night, a lot of mad scientists are wondering: What does it mean for me?

For starters, if your creation is currently uninsured, you will have to purchase a policy for it by 2014 or pay a fine.

But not to worry about the fact that your creature was cobbled together from dead body parts: death as a pre-existing condition is no longer a bar to coverage.

Dr. Victor Frankenstein is spearheading a legal action for an exemption from coverage for  man-made creature “because they aren’t human.”  But White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said that Congress has authority under the Commerce Clause to regulate activities relating to both interstate and interspecies commerce.

Mar 23

The Swallows Return to Capistrano, But First Stop to Terrorize Residents of Bodega Bay

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Mar 19

Study: ‘Long Story Short’ Is Still Too Long

BobMadNEW YORK – Scientists have debunked the cliché “long story short” by proving that the story is still too long.

“The research really shocked us,” said Dr. Noah Swayne, who headed the five year study at a cost to taxpayers of $8 million.

“In light of our findings, we are suggesting that the cliché be altered to “long story long.’”

Mar 4

Planet Loses Fraction of Second Each Day Due To Earthquake, Men To Reduce Time Spent On Household Chores

BobCoonskinaWASHINGTON – NASA scientists concluded that the earthquake in Chile altered the earth’s rotation and shortened each day by one-millionth of a second. 

A Rollings Institute Poll showed that 77% of men said that because of the shortened day, they will need to cut back on the amount of time they spend doing household chores.

Mar 3

Sea World Assures Trainers: ‘It Will Be Safe To Do Act With Killer Whale on Fridays in Lent’

shamu“The whale is Catholic, so he won’t eat you on Fridays in Lent.”

Feb 25

Breakthrough: Scientists Build Broken Clock That Is Right Three Times A Day

StudySmallScientists at Hoboken State University reached a breakthrough by building a broken clock that is right not twice but three times a day. 

The so-called Swayne Clock, named after the scientist in charge of the “broken clock project,”  Dr. Noah Swayne, took two years and $5 million to build.

“It is our hope that in two to four years, we will be able to perfect a broken clock that is right multiple times a day,” explained Dr. Swayne.  “Our ultimate goal is to build a broken clock that is right all the time.”

Jan 7

Moon Retaliates Against Earth for Bombing Crater; Obama Apologizes to Moon

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WASHINGTON - One hour after NASA spacecrafts barreled into the moon at twice the speed of a bullet in search of ice, the moon launched a series of projectiles toward earth in apparent retaliation. 

At least four of the moon’s projectiles landed in the Indian Ocean, but no casualties have been reported.  One of the projectiles was the plaque left on the moon by Apollo 11 astronauts following the first moon landing in 1969. It’s words ”We came in peace for all mankind” were crossed out with red paint and the words “DIE PIGS!” were scrawled on it.  Vice President Joe Biden told a reporter that the moon might be sending the earth a message. 

President Obama, with his newly awarded Nobel Peace Prize slung around his neck, sent an urgent video message to the moon in which he apologized “for all of earth’s intrusions on the lunar way of life,” and promised to help rebuild the moon with reparations.

Oct 9

Mission to Find Ice On Moon Hailed a Success, Scientists Mildly Surprised To Find Bags Piled Neatly Atop One Another

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Oct 9

Study: That’s Not All She Wrote

StudySmallNEW YORK – Scientists have debunked the cliché “that’s all she wrote” by proving that, in fact, she wrote more.

“The research really shocked us,” said Dr. Noah Swayne, who headed the five year study at a cost to taxpayers of $8 million.

“In light of our findings, we are suggesting that the cliché be altered to say, ‘She wrote way too much.’”

Aug 18

Neil Armstrong “Expected More” than Gift of Moon Rock on 40th Moon Landing Anniversary

ArmstrongWASHINGTON – A disappointed Neil Armstrong was presented with a piece of moon rock at a White House ceremony commemorating the 40th anniversary of the first moon landing. 

“Due to massive cuts in the NASA budget, this is all we can afford,” said President Obama, sheepishly handing Armstrong the rock. “I wish we could have given you something more substantial.  Nevertheless, we trust you will treasure these two grams of medium light gray, fine-grained basalt forever, just as we will always treasure the memory of your accomplishment.”

A visibly perturbed Armstrong looked at the rock for a moment before putting it in his breast pocket. He clutched the podium with both hands, his head lowered.  When he finally addressed the crowd, his voice shook with rage.

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Jul 21

Shocker: Lunar Rover Left on Moon in 1972 is Covered With Parking Tickets!

lunar ticketsCAPE CANAVERAL – On the 40th anniversary of the first moon landing, NASA revealed that a satellite photo taken last week shows that the Lunar Rover, abandoned on the moon’s surface in 1972 by Apollo 17 astronauts, is covered with parking tickets.

NASA Administrator Charles Frank Bolden, Jr. said he is “very disappointed” that the astronauts apparently left the vehicle, nicknamed the “moon buggy,” in a “No Parking” zone before leaving the moon’s surface. 

“We need to get someone back to the moon to move that vehicle before it’s towed — and to pay those tickets,” Bolden explained.  “The United States of America will not be known throughout the universe as a parking scofflaw.”

Jul 20

Study concludes it isn’t what it is

photo-two-dr-swayneWASHINGTON – Scientists have debunked the cliché that “it is what it is” by proving that most of the the time it isn’t what it is.

“The research really shocked us,” said Dr. Noah Swayne, who headed the five year study at a cost to taxpayers of $8 million. 

“Most surprisingly, we also found that ‘it always was what it wasn’t.’”

Jun 23

18,000-Year-Old Pottery Found in Chinese Cave The Only Pan Capable of Enhancing Texture of Aunt Mae’s Lemon Sponge Pie

lemon-pie-ct-1667887-xTEL AVIV – Israeli archaeologist Dr. Rasa Tabula has discovered the world’s oldest known pottery, an 18,000-year-old pie pan, in the Yuchanyan Cave located in the Yangzi River basin. 

Dr. Tabula immediately delivered the ancient artifact to her Aunt, Mae Birnbaum, 80, a homemaker in Tel Aviv, so that the old woman could use it to bake one of her world-famous lemon sponge pies.

The pie was “a sensation,” said Mrs. Birnbaum’s friends and family. 

Modern pie pans have been ruining the old woman’s signature pie for years, causing undue flaking and over-browning, sources reported.  “But this pan baked a picture-perfect pie,” said Dr. Tabula. ”It’s the only pan Aunt Mae will use from now on.”

Dr. Tabula heads back to the Yuchanyan Cave next week in the hope of finding matching mugs and silverware.

Jun 16

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