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- Obama Admits He’s Pals With William Ayers, Vows to Have Ex-Terrorist Serve America by Bombing Wall Street
- Hecklers Call For Palin to Iron Their Shirts - And She Does It
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- Underdog Scientists Win Nobel Prize for Chemistry, Winners Celebrate With Champagne Baths, Victory Cigars
- CAMPAIGN TRAIL SHOCKER: Obama Announces He’s Dropping Out of Race, Going on Tour With Ann Wilson
- McCain Caught on Video Using Hate Speech to Select a Donut
- AIG Execs Defend Swanky Junket, Say No Bailout Money Used to Pay For Event
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Reports From the Trail
STOCKHOLM - An underdog team of scientists who discovered the protein that makes jellyfish glow won the Nobel Prize in Chemistry yesterday, ending a one-hundred year drought for protein scientists in the competition.
“What curse?” shouted Osamu Shimomura to a group of reporters in the victorious winners locker room, a cigar clenched between his teeth, a commemorative 2008 Nobel Prize Winner baseball cap atop his head.
“When we started this research, nobody gave us a chance, and now look at us,” he said throwing his arms back towards his fellow scientists, dousing each other with champagne, hopping up and down in a circle and hollering at the top of their lungs. “We’re the champions of the scientific world!”
Not surprisingly, they’re all female
“Like I have time to operate a whole new universe with my schedule this semester,” said project director Dr. Noah Swayne.
GENEVA - Late Tuesday, scientists used a multibillion-dollar atom-smasher, the most powerful ever constructed, to re-enact the Big Bang, the colossal explosion that created the universe. Scientists fired beams of protons at one another to create collisions of subatomic particles from which they hoped to unlock the secrets of the cosmos.
But the collisions created “a lot” more energy than scientists anticipated, project director Dr. Noah Swayne said, and a parallel universe appeared above them.
“We really goofed,” chuckled Dr. Swayne in a telephone interview last night. “Now we’re stuck with yet another universe. I mean, what the hell am I going to do with another universe?” Dr. Swayne’s wife picked up an extension line and began yelling, “There’s going to be some changes with this new universe – like when two people are married, the husband doesn’t go away weekends with a young blond co-worker!”
Televangelist Ernest Angley announced that he, too, reenacted the Big Bang — but after the protons fired at each other, a naked couple appeared, and the woman was eating an apple and conversing with a serpent.
ST. PAUL - Prominent progressive blogger Markos Moulitsas today broke the shocking news that the infant son of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin does not suffer from Down syndrome but is, in fact, an alien.
In a post entitled, “So much for human-only reproduction,” Moulitsas downplayed the theory, given ample coverage on his web site this weekend, that the child was actually born to Palin’s 17-year-old daughter, Bristol. ”I don’t think the evidence is there to claim Trig is Bristol’s son,” Moulitsas wrote, “but a second rumor floating around Alaskan crop circles turns out to have been true: the little bastard is an alien.”
Moulitsas’ report included a shocking family photo, apparently smuggled out of the governor’s mansion by a disgruntled nursemaid, that shows Palin cradling her bug-eyed, antennaed baby in a space-age thermal blanket.
CAPE CANAVERAL - A satellite photo taken last week revealed that the Lunar Rover, abandoned on the surface of the moon in 1972 by Apollo 17 astronauts, is covered with parking tickets.
NASA Administrator Michael Griffin said he is “very disappointed” that the astronauts apparently left the vehicle, nicknamed the “moon buggy,” in a “No Parking” zone before leaving the moon’s surface.
“We need to get someone back to the moon to move that vehicle before it’s towed — and to pay those tickets,” Griffin explained. “The United States of America will not be known throughout the universe as a parking scofflaw.”
Authorities examine the carcass, say it’s actually former Attorney General Janet Reno
WASHINGTON - Professor Roy Hinkley, the nerdy Wunderkind whose anthrax-laced letters killed five and sickened 17 others in 2001, died of a suicide yesterday after the FBI zeroed in on him as a suspect in its investigation of the anthrax attacks.
Hinkley sent the poisonous letters to congressional offices and newsrooms from an uncharted South Pacific that he used as his criminal base, according to government informant Willie Gilligan, a former crewman of the charter boat S.S. Minnow.
Mr. Gilligan, an admitted jailhouse snitch serving a life sentence for the rape and murder of movie star Ginger Grant, claims that Hinkley orchestrated some of the most diabolocal crimes in recent history from the island, including the World Trade Center attacks and the Unabomber killings. Multi-millionaire Thurston Howell, III, will be charged as a conspirator for his role in funding Hinkley’s terrorist activities.
LOS ANGELES - A 5.4-magnitude earthquake struck Southern California yesterday afternoon killing 162 people on the Earthquake Thrill Attraction at Universal Studios Hollywood.
Outisde the Earthquake attraction, the quake caused only moderate damage and no serious injuries, but inside the attraction, which simulates an 8.3-magnitude quake, the combination of the real and the simulated quakes created a 13.7-magnitude earthquake, the highest ever recorded anywhere. The previous most powerful earthquake was a 9.6-magnitude Chilean earthquake in 1960.
One eyewitness said that the remains of the riders trapped in the attraction ”looked more like pudding than human beings.” They were scooped up and carried out on shovels as thousands of curious riders cued up in lines to enter the attraction. One park official said the tragedy gave the dowager attraction, one of the park’s oldest, much-needed cachet.
WASHINGTON - At the annual National Institutes of Health fundraiser dinner last night, Carol Murray, the world’s first hands transplant patient, used her new hands to slap the face of Chad Hermann, the world’s first face transplant patient.
Ms. Murray’s transplanted hands formerly belonged to the wife of the man who donated Mr. Hermanns’ face. That marriage ended unhappily because of the face donor’s indiscretions.
Immediately after Ms. Murray was introduced to Mr. Hermann her new hands began slapping his face. The other guests watched in horrified silence.
ANTARCTIC PENINSULA - A major Antarctic ice shelf is disintegrating at an alarming rate, scientists say.
“Throughout all recorded history, the disintegration of this ice proceeded at a glacial pace,” explained Dr. Samuel Blatchford, Dean of Glacial Science at the University of Antarctica.
“But the rapidity with which the ice is now melting can only be attributed to global warming.”
United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon said the situation is so dire he will dispatch carpenters from the HGTV series “Designed to Sell” to fix the broken shelf. ”They are not only expert craftsmen, but some of them are real hunks, if you know what I mean,” said Ki-moon.
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