Blog Archives

Shocker: Lunar Rover Left on Moon in 1972 is Covered With Parking Tickets

CAPE CANAVERAL – NASA revealed that a satellite photo taken last week shows that the Lunar Rover, abandoned on the moon’s surface in 1972 by Apollo 17 astronauts, is covered with parking tickets. NASA Administrator Noah Swayne, Jr. said he is “very

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Posted in Extras, Science, U.S. News

Swallows Return to Capistrano, Stop First to Terrorize Residents of Bodega Bay

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Posted in Extras, Science

Man Says 13,000-Year-Old Tools Unearthed in His Backyard Are The Only Ones That Can Fix His Ford Pinto

DENVER – Landscapers digging a hole for a fish pond in Noah Swayne’s back yard last week heard a “chink” that turned out to be a cache of 13,000-year-old tools buried by ancient ice age hunter-gatherers. Swayne immediately grabbed a few

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Posted in Science

Study: Laughter Not Best Medicine For Kidney Stones

NEW HAVEN – A report released today by the New England Journal of Medicine concludes that laughter may not be the best medicine for kidney stones. “For years we have all read or heard that laughter is the best medicine,”

Posted in Extras, Science, U.S. News

The Science Corner: What Is This Thing Called Menstruation?

By Dr. Noah Swayne, Scientist – We’ve all heard the song “What is this thing called love?” by possibly homosexual songwriter Cole Porter. Well, that’s the same question a lot of guys are asking about menstruation: What is this thing

Posted in Science

Scientific Panel: BP Spill Conclusively Proves Oil and Water Don’t Mix

WASHINGTON – A month after British Petroleum’s underwater oil well began spewing thousands of gallons of crude oil in the Gulf of Mexico, the National Academy of Sciences (NAS) has determined that oil and water cannot be combined “chemically or

Posted in Extras, Science

AMA: Placebo Effect Too Strong So Placebo Dosage To Be Cut By Half

Posted in Extras, Science

Little Mermaid Latest Victim Of Gulf Oil Spill

GALVESTON – Ariel, the little mermaid who stole the hearts of millions and saved a struggling Hollywood studio over twenty years ago, washed ashore yesterday morning, the latest victim of the Gulf Coast oil spill. Ms. Ariel was pronounced dead by

Posted in Environment, Extras, Science

Scientists Pinpoint Source of Massive Ash Cloud Over Europe

Posted in Science, Weather

NASA Satellite Photo Shows Lone User of Electricity During Earth Hour: A Tennessee Mansion Owned By a Mr. Albert Gore

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Posted in Environment, Science, U.S. News

Mad Scientists Wonder: ‘What Does Health Reform Mean For Me?’

With Congress’s historic passage of health reform Sunday night, a lot of mad scientists are wondering: What does it mean for me? For starters, if your creation is currently uninsured, you will have to purchase a policy for it by 2014 or

Posted in Extras, Health, Science

Study: ‘Long Story Short’ Is Still Too Long

NEW YORK – Scientists have debunked the cliché “long story short” by proving that the story is still too long. “The research really shocked us,” said Dr. Noah Swayne, who headed the five year study at a cost to taxpayers

Posted in Science

Planet Loses Fraction of Second Each Day Due To Earthquake, Men To Reduce Time Spent On Household Chores

WASHINGTON – NASA scientists concluded that the earthquake in Chile altered the earth’s rotation and shortened each day by one-millionth of a second.  A Rollings Institute Poll showed that 77% of men said that because of the shortened day, they will need to cut back on the

Posted in Science

Sea World Assures Trainers: ‘It Will Be Safe To Do Act With Killer Whale on Fridays in Lent’

“The whale is Catholic, so he won’t eat you on Fridays in Lent.”

Posted in Crime, Entertainment, Science

Breakthrough: Scientists Build Broken Clock That Is Right Three Times A Day

Scientists at Hoboken State University reached a breakthrough by building a broken clock that is right not twice but three times a day.  The so-called Swayne Clock, named after the scientist in charge of the “broken clock project,”  Dr. Noah Swayne, took two

Posted in Science

Moon Retaliates Against Earth for Bombing Crater; Obama Apologizes to Moon

WASHINGTON – One hour after NASA spacecrafts barreled into the moon at twice the speed of a bullet in search of ice, the moon launched a series of projectiles toward earth in apparent retaliation.  At least four of the moon’s projectiles landed in the Indian Ocean, but no casualties have

Posted in International News, Science

Mission to Find Ice On Moon Hailed a Success, Scientists Mildly Surprised To Find Bags Piled Neatly Atop One Another

Posted in Science

Study: That’s Not All She Wrote

NEW YORK – Scientists have debunked the cliché “that’s all she wrote” by proving that, in fact, she wrote more. “The research really shocked us,” said Dr. Noah Swayne, who headed the five year study at a cost to taxpayers of

Posted in Science

Neil Armstrong “Expected More” than Gift of Moon Rock on 40th Moon Landing Anniversary

WASHINGTON – A disappointed Neil Armstrong was presented with a piece of moon rock at a White House ceremony commemorating the 40th anniversary of the first moon landing.  “Due to massive cuts in the NASA budget, this is all we can afford,”

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Posted in Science

Study concludes it isn’t what it is

WASHINGTON – Scientists have debunked the cliché that “it is what it is” by proving that most of the the time it isn’t what it is. “The research really shocked us,” said Dr. Noah Swayne, who headed the five year study at

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