Pope In Africa, Meets With Tarzan

tarzanCAMEROON - Pope Benedict XVI met with Tarzan today at the Apeman’s Kumbo tree house estate. The Papal audience was arranged after months of painstaking negotiations between the Vatican and Boy, Tarzan’s son.

“It is truly a pleasure for the earthly representative of the King of Kings to visit the home of the King of the Jungle,” said the Pope in his opening remarks.

A ceremonial gift exchange followed. The Pope presented Tarzan with an oil painting. Tarzan gave the Pope a loincloth embossed with the Papal seal.

Read more

Mar 24

Pope Having Hard Time Getting Blue-Book Value for Popemobile

popemobileVATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI is quickly finding out that even the Vicar of Christ on Earth is not immune to the effects of the global economic slowdown.

“I’m looking to trade in my Popemobile and not one of these local dealers will give me bluebook value,” said the frustrated Pontiff. “Do you know what one of them said to me? He said you want bluebook value? Then sell it to bluebook!”

The Holy Father said he has spent the past several weeks researching his new Popemobile purchase on the internet.

Read more

Mar 18

Cops Stop Popemobile for Expired Inspection Sticker, Incomplete Registration

papamobileROME – A zealous policeman on a motorbike issued a citation to Pope Benedict XVI yesterday for multiple violations of the Italian vehicle code, including driving with an expired inspection sticker, incomplete registration, and driving without a license. 

According to the Vatican Press Office, the Pope was running a few errands and neglected to take his wallet before leaving the Vatican.

The Holy See also explained that the Pope has been busy writing and editing a number of encyclicals lately, and “quite a few personal matters” have slipped through the cracks. ”His health club membership was up the first of the year and he hasn’t even renewed that yet.”

Read more

Mar 6

Pope Resigns Over Watermelon Joke

pope-benedict-saturno-hat

Mar 5

Actor Who Portrays Archbishop Donald Wuerl in All His Public Appearances Calls it Quits

birnbaumWASHINGTON – The actor who portrays Archbishop Donald Wuerl in all of Wuerl’s public appearances is calling it quits after thirty-three years.

Nathan Birnbaum, an orthodox Jew, has been the public face of the Archbishop of Washington, D.C., Donald Wuerl, since the real Wuerl discovered him acting in summer stock theater in the Catskills in the early 1970′s.

The real Wuerl, who resembles actor Jack Klugman, said that he is auditioning new actors to play him, including tough-guy actor Joe Pesci.

Wuerl said that he’s “impressed with Pesci’s passion,” but added that “he’ll need to tone down the bad language a little if he wants to play me. Then again, all those ‘f’ words might shake some things up around here.”

Mar 5

Local Priest Reprimanded for Ash Wednesday Shenanigans

ashwednesdayabuse1

Feb 27

Pope Develops Stiffness in Ash-Dispensing Arm, Leaves Lenten Service Early

pope_benedictVATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI was forced to leave Ash Wednesday services early yesterday after complaining of stiffness in his ash-dispensing arm. 

The grimacing Pope winced as he made the sign of the cross on the forehead of Mr. Michael Loftus of Lisle, Illinois. Mr. Loftus was the last person to receive ashes from the Pope.

“I could tell he was really laboring through the first three people he gave ashes to,”said Loftus. “His delivery was slower. He kept stepping off the altar, swinging his arm in a windmill motion. Wiping the sweat from his brow, taking deep breaths. When he got to me, I could see he had nothing left in the tank.”

Read more

Feb 26

Vatican Scraps Lent as Recession Shuts Down Ash Company

ash-wednesdayVATICAN CITY – Catholic dioceses around the world have cancelled Lent this year because the Brunswick Ash Company of Newark, New Jersey, the exclusive supplier of ashes to the Church, has closed its doors due to the recession.

“This year is gone, but if we get some stimulus money, then double mazel tov, we’ll reopen next year,” said Reuben Brunswick, president of the company that has been in his family for over 100 years. 

Mr. Brunswick’s biggest fear was telling the Pope. “I was sure the Holy Father would start hurling kneelers at me — you know, he’s got that whole German thing going on, but it turns out he’s a real mensch. His only concern was the hit the fish fries are going to take on Fridays if there’s no lent. He said, ‘That’s going to cost them some serious cheddar.’ ”

Read more

Feb 25

Clinton Works to Improve U.S. Image with Muslims, Urges Congress to Legalize Honor Killings

clinton-win-06

Feb 19

Christian Bale Apologizes for Profanity-Laced Tirade During Meeting With Pope

pope-christian-baleVATICAN CITY – Christian Bale apologized to New York’s Cardinal Edward Egan for his profanity-laced meltdown last week, triggered when Egan wandered into Bale’s line of vision while Bale met with Pope Benedict XVI.

The four-minute tirade, which went viral on the Internet last week, started while Bale was having an intense discussion with the Pope. Cardinal Egan came into the room but immediately apologized for interrupting the men. As Egan turned to leave, Bale went ballistic.

“Stop!  You, stop!  What the f*ck was that? I mean, what the f*ck was that?” Bale turned to the Pope. ”I want this man fired, whoever he is. I just want him out of my f*cking sight, OK?  I mean, I don’t want to see him any more.”

Raising his voice, Bale turned to Egan. “How would you like it if I trashed your Cathedral? Would you like me to trash your Cathedral? Then why are you trashing my f*cking meeting with the Holy Father?”

Read more

Feb 9

Jerome Bettis Asks Pope to Intercede for His Old Team, the Pittsburgh Steelers

pope20and20bus_8“They don’t need my help, my son. They’ve already received the blessing of a higher power — President Obama.”

Jan 30

Disgraced Pastor Ted Haggard: “My Low Point Was Lusting After Larry King”

ted_haggard_110306_fresh

Jan 28

Pope Accused of Adding Fake Comments to Holy See’s YouTube Site

Bush US Europe VaticanVATICAN CITY – Hours after launching a slick You Tube channel in an effort to use technology to reach a younger audience, Pope Benedict XVI came under fire for adding fake comments to the site using made-up names. The comments praised both the site and the Pontiff.

Experts say seventy-one of the seventy-four comments posted within two hours of the site’s launch emanated from the Pope’s personal IP address.

One of the fake comments, signed by “Axel,” said:  “Bravo!  You are the greatest Pope ever!  Rah! Rah!  Rah!  Much better than the Polish one.”  Another comment, purportedly posted by “Buffalo, U.S.,” said: “Now, finally, I, a young person of the Faith, will become holy and will start going to Mass each and every Sunday because now, finally, the church is speaking to me, dude.”

Vatican spokesman Father Federico Lombardi said the Pope was “very sorry” that he posted the fake comments. “Pope Benedict did not understand” that comments are supposed to be legitimate, Father Lombardi explained. “The Pontiff became so caught up in the fun and mischief of the Internet that he assumed it was commonplace to take on fake identities and enter into a world of pretend.”

Jan 26

Obama: “It is Accomplished”

obamascensionAlmost two million crowd Capitol, witness Obamascension

Jan 20

AirTran Apologizes for Kicking Muslims Off Plane, Keeping Them From Blowing Up the Other Passengers

airtran

Jan 9

#1: God Endorses Obama

obamanysmall“He’s like the son I always wanted.”

Dec 31

Saint Paul’s Long Lost Letter to Thessalonians Finally Delivered, Insufficient Postage Blamed for Delay

saint-paulTHESSALONIA, Ohio - A letter from Saint Paul to the Thessalonians finally arrived at its apparent destination, two thousand years late.

“We’ve been waiting for this for a long time,” said Thessalonia Mayor Hubert P. Goodsimple, clutching the tattered, yellowed note.  ”When the mailman handed the envelope to me, and I saw the handwriting in the upper left corner, I figured it had to be from Saint Paul. Then I saw the postmark from Tarsus, and I said to myself, ‘Ah ha!  I knew I was right!’”  

Mayor Goodsimple promised to have a public reading of the letter “soon,” and in the meantime gave it to an aide and ordered him to write a memorandum summarizing the important parts. “I’m tied up in meetings all day with the Rotary Club and am really pressed for time,” he explained.

Read more

Dec 22

Reverend Wright Delivers Christmas Message to Congregation: “God Damn Ye, Merry Gentlemen!”

jeremiah_wright_0429

Dec 19

Aryan, Steeler Nations Continue to Deface Home of Jewish Woman Whose Car Struck Ben Roethlisberger’s Motorcycle

Nov 25

Vatican Forgives John Lennon For Jesus Quip, Refuses to Forgive Him For Yoko Ono

“One was a youthful indiscretion; the other, a mortal sin,” said Vatican daily Osservatore Romano

Nov 24

← Previous Page — Next Page →