Holy Water Drought Blamed on Climate Change

Holy WaterVATICAN CITY – The Holy See has declared a global holy water drought, brought on by climate change, and former Vice President Al Gore was summoned to the Vatican to confer with the College of Cardinals about a solution.  “Prayer, unfortunately, won’t cut it,” Gore told a reporter.

Noah Swayne, who sings in the choir at St. Elizabeth of Hungary Parish near Pittsburgh, was visibly overwrought by the drought.  “How the [expletive deleted] is one supposed to bless oneself without the [expletive deleted] holy water?”  Swayne claimed that he has been “defiled” because he isn’t able to bless himself without holy water.  

The Pope is urging the holy water producing nations to increase production and has hinted he might tap into the Vatican’s strategic holy water reserve to ease the crisis.

Oct 7

Mother Angelica: “I Had An Inappropriate Imaginary Relationship With Johnny Weissmuller”

glenn36NEW YORK - Mother Angelica shocked her studio audience last night by revealing that she once had what she called an “inappropriate imaginary relationship” with former matinee idol and Olympic swimming champion Johnny Weissmuller. 

“Do you have time for a story?” she asked, before launching into a mesmerizing eleven minute monologue that was at times both uncomfortable and spellbinding.

“I spent a good part of every day gazing at Johnny’s picture, imagining what it would be like to live in a jungle tree house with a chimpanzee,” she said. “I fantasized about enjoying a chaste relationship with a man who walked the Earth wearing only a loincloth. Eventually, I went too far. I drew a heart, and in the middle I wrote ‘Anjelica + Johnny.’ I’ve carried that shame for seventy years.”

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Oct 7

Shocker: Road to Hell is Paved by the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation

ConstructionConesSALT LAKE CITY – An interfaith committee of prominent theologians from around the world has released the findings of a three-year study to study the road to hell. 

The committee concluded that the road was paved by the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation. 

PennDOT would not confirm the Committee’s conclusion. The Committee said its conclusion is based in part on the fact that the road is is riddled with potholes and that orange barrels are strewn across most of its length.

Oct 1

Benedict XVI Finds New Ways to Reach Youth

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Jul 27

Pope Breaks Arm in Barroom Brawl

PopeBrawlVATICAN CITY – The Swiss Guard was summoned to break up a brawl at The Confessional Tavern in Vatican City last night involving a drunken disorderly male later identified as Pope Benedict XVI.

When the Swiss Guard arrived at the scene they observed employees of the tavern trying to restrain the Pontiff, who was waving a broken beer bottle at them and shouting, “Come on!  Who wants a piece of me?”  When the Swiss Guard tried to restrain him, he slipped and fell, breaking his right arm.  

The dispute reportedly started when a waiter at the tavern asked the Pope to bring his tab current.

Jul 23

Oldest Known Portrait of St. Paul Found on Catacomb Walls Resembles Late TV Pitchman Billy Mays

billy-ne-1ROME – Vatican archaeologists have discovered the oldest image in existence of St Paul the Apostle, dating from the late 4th century, on the walls of a catacomb beneath Rome.  

Vatican newspaper Osservatore Romano, revealing the find on Monday, published a picture of a frescoed image of the face of a man who bears what one Cardinal called “an uncanny resemblance” to late TV pitchman Billy Mays.

Pope Benedict described the image to reporters as that of an ordinary Joe.  ”He looks like that good looking guy at the end of the cul de sac who you just want to hang with and have a couple of beers, even though you know he’s going to talk a lot of nonsense and sell you something you don’t need.”

Jun 30

Intruder Attacks, Tries to Put Red Hat on Roger Federer at French Open; College of Cardinals Are Persons of Interest

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Jun 8

Swiss Guard Deserts Vatican After Learning Pontiff Isn’t Swiss

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May 29

Frito-Lay Taps Into Religious Fanatic Market With Virgin Mary Cheetos

cheetosaNEW YORK – Frito-Lay President Albert Carey said the company will target an untapped market of religious fanatics eager to find faith-based images in the company’s iconic Cheetos snack brand. 

“We will produce a special line of our cheese-flavored cornmeal snack consisting entirely of images of the Virgin Mary, Jesus and other religious figures,” Carey said. 

“Now, the loonies won’t have to invent miraculous images out of strange looking Cheetos; every bag will be filled with them, to match our snack’s miraculous taste.”

May 28

Obama, Catholic Church Hammer Out Consensus Statement on Abortion

obamanotredame-1Thus far, the statement reads: “The fetus is a human being; no it isn’t.”

May 20

Opie Taylor Drowns in Fishing Hole in Vatican TV’s Edits of “Andy Griffith Show”

opieVATICAN CITY – The Vatican upped the ante in its simmering feud with director Ron Howard over the upcoming release of Angels & Demons, the sequel to Da Vinci Code, which the Vatican has denounced as contrary to church teachings.  The Vatican television station has edited old episodes of the landmark sitcom The Andy Griffith Show to make it appear that Mr. Howard’s character, young Opie Taylor, drowns in the show’s fishing hole featured in the opening credits. 

As actors Andy Griffith and Ron Howard are seen walking toward the fishing hole with Earle Hagen’s iconic theme song whistling in the background, suddenly, a Vatican spokesman cuts in and soberly reads a prepared announcement.

“The Vatican is saddened to announce that Mr. Opie Taylor, the delightful young lad who co-stars in The Andy Griffith Show, died unexpectedly by drowning in the fishing hole.  Since Mr. Opie Taylor is believed to have died a suicide’s death, this prevents him from entering into eternal life, so his soul is now writhing in hell for eternity.  We now return to the broadcast.”

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May 15

Pope’s Disastrous Holocaust Speech Ghostwritten By Wanda Sykes

popegame1JERUSALEM – Pope Benedict XVI’s long-awaited Holocaust speech at the Yad Vashem Holocaust Memorial turned out to be “a dud,” said Rabbi Israel Meir Lau, who chairs the Yad Vashem Council. 

The Pontiff tried to end long-simmering tensions between the Vatican and Israel with a series of rapid-fire one-liners about Dick Cheney, Michelle Obama patting the Queen on the butt, and Barack Obama being photographed shirtless.

But the joke that raised the Rabbi’s ire was the Pope’s comment that he thought Rush Limbaugh was “one of the Nazi death camp guards.”

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May 12

“So, You’re Angry That I Didn’t Observe the National Day of Prayer? OK, Then I’ll Observe It – And I Know Just The Man To Lead the Prayer Service. Happy Now?”

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May 8

Pope Switching Religious Affiliation

vaticancityVATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI told a stunned crowd yesterday that he has decided to switch his religious affiliation and will consider all offers from competing faiths before settling on a new spiritual belief system.

The Pope made the announcement during his commencement address before this year’s graduating class from the College of Cardinals.

“I have been a proud Catholic my entire life, and while I have been comfortable being a Catholic, my faith has not defined who I am. I believe it is time for a change. I’d like to see Mecca before I die. I’d like to participate in a ritual sacrifice for Kali. There are so many religions out there I’ve yet to experience. I urge all of you to do the same.”

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Apr 30

Cops Nab Father Preparing to Sacrifice Son

abraham_illustration_isaacMOUNT WASHINGTON –  Pittsburgh police yesterday thwarted an attempt by an elderly man to make a human sacrifice of his son on top of Mount Washington.

The man, identified as Abraham, or Abram, and his son, Isaac, reportedly traveled three days from the land of Canaan at the request of  an omniscient, omnipresent entity known as Yahweh.

 ”We’re trying to track down this Yahweh character, because we’d like to ask him a few questions,” said Detective Doug Wagner.

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Apr 23

Perez Hilton: “I Voted Against Benedict XVI in Last Papal Conclave Due To Gay Marriage Answer”

perez-caliHOLLYWOOD – Gay celebrity blogger Perez Hilton revealed that he voted against Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger for Pope during the last Papal conclave  due to Ratzinger’s answer to Hilton’s question about gay marriage. 

Ratzinger’s lengthy response was sprinkled with references to church doctrine and philosophy and concluded that marriage is a sacrament reserved for a man and a woman.  Hilton called the answer “the worst answer in conclave history.”

Ironically, Hilton said, he and Pope Benedict became good friends after that incident.  ”It is the worst kept secret in the Vatican that Benedict frequently ghost blogs for the flamboyant blogger when he is on vacation,” said one Vatican insider who asked not to be named.

“His Holiness loves writing the snarky words and drawing the little pictures next to the celebrity photos,” Hilton explained.  “He has a real gift for it.”

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Apr 21

Notre Dame Defends Dracula Invitation

count-draculaNOTRE DAME, Indiana – The University of Notre Dame, still reeling from criticisms about inviting President Obama to speak on campus, defended its selection of Count Dracula as this year’s principal commencement speaker.

Critics charge that the Transylvanian vampire’s centuries-long practice of Satanic rituals, brutal murders and other acts of unfathomable evil are contrary to the teachings of the Catholic Church.

“Well, I’ll concede that the Count may not be the ideal choice to give a speech about church doctrine,” said Rev. John Jenkins, the University’s President. “But he’s coming to give a commencement speech, and since he’s long been a figure of tremendous international prominence, I’d say the Notre Dame community should count itself lucky.”

Notre Dame has agreed to the request of Count Dracula’s advance team to cover up all religious symbols when the famous vampire comes to speak. “Count Dracula’s request shouldn’t be considered in any sense a slur against the Catholic Church,” Rev. Jenkins explained. “It’s just that, being undead and all that, religious symbols could  kill him.”

Apr 20

Latest Biden Gaffe: VP “Overdressed” for White House Passover Seder

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Apr 14

Pope Scraps Annual “Urbi Et Orbi” Blessing to the World in Favor of Cadbury Creme Eggs

cadbury-2aVATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI scrapped the Pontiff’s traditional Easter blessing to the world, the Urbi et Orbi address, and instead told Vatican personnel to pass out tens of thousands of Cadbury Creme Eggs to pilgrims at Saint Peters Square.

Popes typically use their Easter message as an occasion to address the world’s ills, often urging warring nations to bring an end to bloodshed. This year, the Pope appeared on his balcony overlooking St. Peter’s Square but bore a defeated look.  He studied his prepared text in silence for several seconds, then he looked up and stared straight ahead for close to a minute, prompting many in the crowd to assume he was ill.  The Pope proceeded to tear up the speech and scatter the pieces onto the crowd.  Then he turned to his right and spoke to someone out of view. “Jerry, bring out the [Cadbury] Creme Eggs. I’m done here.”  The Pontiff brusquely waved to the crowd and disappeared.

Minutes later, a caravan of trucks rolled into the Saint Peters Square and distributed four-packs of the popular Cadbury chocolate to the estimated 80,000 pilgrims.

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Apr 13

God Reveals Himself, Has Second Helping of Cake

fred_macmurrayWEST HOLLYWOOD – Steven Douglas, a twice-widowed retired aircraft engineer, informed members of His community bridge club that He is, in fact, God Almighty. Mr. Douglas made the stunning announcement during a mid-game refreshment break.

“I know many of you are wondering how I was able to raise three wholesome sons during a time of social upheaval. The answer is simple: I am God. I am their Father, and I am your Father, too.”

Fellow bridge club members greeted the news with skepticism. One man wanted to know His real name.

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Apr 3

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