Pope’s Disastrous Holocaust Speech Ghostwritten By Wanda Sykes

popegame1JERUSALEM – Pope Benedict XVI’s long-awaited Holocaust speech at the Yad Vashem Holocaust Memorial turned out to be “a dud,” said Rabbi Israel Meir Lau, who chairs the Yad Vashem Council. 

The Pontiff tried to end long-simmering tensions between the Vatican and Israel with a series of rapid-fire one-liners about Dick Cheney, Michelle Obama patting the Queen on the butt, and Barack Obama being photographed shirtless.

But the joke that raised the Rabbi’s ire was the Pope’s comment that he thought Rush Limbaugh was “one of the Nazi death camp guards.”

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May 12

“So, You’re Angry That I Didn’t Observe the National Day of Prayer? OK, Then I’ll Observe It – And I Know Just The Man To Lead the Prayer Service. Happy Now?”

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May 8

Pope Switching Religious Affiliation

vaticancityVATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI told a stunned crowd yesterday that he has decided to switch his religious affiliation and will consider all offers from competing faiths before settling on a new spiritual belief system.

The Pope made the announcement during his commencement address before this year’s graduating class from the College of Cardinals.

“I have been a proud Catholic my entire life, and while I have been comfortable being a Catholic, my faith has not defined who I am. I believe it is time for a change. I’d like to see Mecca before I die. I’d like to participate in a ritual sacrifice for Kali. There are so many religions out there I’ve yet to experience. I urge all of you to do the same.”

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Apr 30

Cops Nab Father Preparing to Sacrifice Son

abraham_illustration_isaacMOUNT WASHINGTON –  Pittsburgh police yesterday thwarted an attempt by an elderly man to make a human sacrifice of his son on top of Mount Washington.

The man, identified as Abraham, or Abram, and his son, Isaac, reportedly traveled three days from the land of Canaan at the request of  an omniscient, omnipresent entity known as Yahweh.

 ”We’re trying to track down this Yahweh character, because we’d like to ask him a few questions,” said Detective Doug Wagner.

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Apr 23

Perez Hilton: “I Voted Against Benedict XVI in Last Papal Conclave Due To Gay Marriage Answer”

perez-caliHOLLYWOOD – Gay celebrity blogger Perez Hilton revealed that he voted against Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger for Pope during the last Papal conclave  due to Ratzinger’s answer to Hilton’s question about gay marriage. 

Ratzinger’s lengthy response was sprinkled with references to church doctrine and philosophy and concluded that marriage is a sacrament reserved for a man and a woman.  Hilton called the answer “the worst answer in conclave history.”

Ironically, Hilton said, he and Pope Benedict became good friends after that incident.  ”It is the worst kept secret in the Vatican that Benedict frequently ghost blogs for the flamboyant blogger when he is on vacation,” said one Vatican insider who asked not to be named.

“His Holiness loves writing the snarky words and drawing the little pictures next to the celebrity photos,” Hilton explained.  “He has a real gift for it.”

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Apr 21

Notre Dame Defends Dracula Invitation

count-draculaNOTRE DAME, Indiana – The University of Notre Dame, still reeling from criticisms about inviting President Obama to speak on campus, defended its selection of Count Dracula as this year’s principal commencement speaker.

Critics charge that the Transylvanian vampire’s centuries-long practice of Satanic rituals, brutal murders and other acts of unfathomable evil are contrary to the teachings of the Catholic Church.

“Well, I’ll concede that the Count may not be the ideal choice to give a speech about church doctrine,” said Rev. John Jenkins, the University’s President. “But he’s coming to give a commencement speech, and since he’s long been a figure of tremendous international prominence, I’d say the Notre Dame community should count itself lucky.”

Notre Dame has agreed to the request of Count Dracula’s advance team to cover up all religious symbols when the famous vampire comes to speak. “Count Dracula’s request shouldn’t be considered in any sense a slur against the Catholic Church,” Rev. Jenkins explained. “It’s just that, being undead and all that, religious symbols could  kill him.”

Apr 20

Latest Biden Gaffe: VP “Overdressed” for White House Passover Seder

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Apr 14

Pope Scraps Annual “Urbi Et Orbi” Blessing to the World in Favor of Cadbury Creme Eggs

cadbury-2aVATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI scrapped the Pontiff’s traditional Easter blessing to the world, the Urbi et Orbi address, and instead told Vatican personnel to pass out tens of thousands of Cadbury Creme Eggs to pilgrims at Saint Peters Square.

Popes typically use their Easter message as an occasion to address the world’s ills, often urging warring nations to bring an end to bloodshed. This year, the Pope appeared on his balcony overlooking St. Peter’s Square but bore a defeated look.  He studied his prepared text in silence for several seconds, then he looked up and stared straight ahead for close to a minute, prompting many in the crowd to assume he was ill.  The Pope proceeded to tear up the speech and scatter the pieces onto the crowd.  Then he turned to his right and spoke to someone out of view. “Jerry, bring out the [Cadbury] Creme Eggs. I’m done here.”  The Pontiff brusquely waved to the crowd and disappeared.

Minutes later, a caravan of trucks rolled into the Saint Peters Square and distributed four-packs of the popular Cadbury chocolate to the estimated 80,000 pilgrims.

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Apr 13

Passion Reading Mix-Up! Parishioners Shout for Release of Chris Brown Instead of Barabbas

barabbasDuring the reading of the Passion at Good Friday services, parishioners of St. Elizabeth Church spontaneously changed the words and yelled for the release of Chris Brown instead of Barabbas.  Women’s groups immediately condemned the alteration.

Apr 10

Recession Hits Church, Priests Resort to Pickpocketing

communionVATICAN CITY – Collections at Roman Catholic churches are down all over the world due to the recession, and some pastors are using unorthodox methods to fill the church’s coffers, including pickpocketing.

Catholic faithful report that they have been pick-pocketed by their parish priests while receiving communion, typically never noticing that anything is missing until after Mass.  Pickpocketing has helped some parishes increase collections by 40%. 

The more sophisticated operations have priests working in teams to pull off their larceny. 

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Apr 6

God Reveals Himself, Has Second Helping of Cake

fred_macmurrayWEST HOLLYWOOD – Steven Douglas, a twice-widowed retired aircraft engineer, informed members of His community bridge club that He is, in fact, God Almighty. Mr. Douglas made the stunning announcement during a mid-game refreshment break.

“I know many of you are wondering how I was able to raise three wholesome sons during a time of social upheaval. The answer is simple: I am God. I am their Father, and I am your Father, too.”

Fellow bridge club members greeted the news with skepticism. One man wanted to know His real name.

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Apr 3

Pope In Africa, Meets With Tarzan

tarzanCAMEROON - Pope Benedict XVI met with Tarzan today at the Apeman’s Kumbo tree house estate. The Papal audience was arranged after months of painstaking negotiations between the Vatican and Boy, Tarzan’s son.

“It is truly a pleasure for the earthly representative of the King of Kings to visit the home of the King of the Jungle,” said the Pope in his opening remarks.

A ceremonial gift exchange followed. The Pope presented Tarzan with an oil painting. Tarzan gave the Pope a loincloth embossed with the Papal seal.

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Mar 24

Pope Having Hard Time Getting Blue-Book Value for Popemobile

popemobileVATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI is quickly finding out that even the Vicar of Christ on Earth is not immune to the effects of the global economic slowdown.

“I’m looking to trade in my Popemobile and not one of these local dealers will give me bluebook value,” said the frustrated Pontiff. “Do you know what one of them said to me? He said you want bluebook value? Then sell it to bluebook!”

The Holy Father said he has spent the past several weeks researching his new Popemobile purchase on the internet.

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Mar 18

Cops Stop Popemobile for Expired Inspection Sticker, Incomplete Registration

papamobileROME – A zealous policeman on a motorbike issued a citation to Pope Benedict XVI yesterday for multiple violations of the Italian vehicle code, including driving with an expired inspection sticker, incomplete registration, and driving without a license. 

According to the Vatican Press Office, the Pope was running a few errands and neglected to take his wallet before leaving the Vatican.

The Holy See also explained that the Pope has been busy writing and editing a number of encyclicals lately, and “quite a few personal matters” have slipped through the cracks. ”His health club membership was up the first of the year and he hasn’t even renewed that yet.”

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Mar 6

Pope Resigns Over Watermelon Joke

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Mar 5

Actor Who Portrays Archbishop Donald Wuerl in All His Public Appearances Calls it Quits

birnbaumWASHINGTON – The actor who portrays Archbishop Donald Wuerl in all of Wuerl’s public appearances is calling it quits after thirty-three years.

Nathan Birnbaum, an orthodox Jew, has been the public face of the Archbishop of Washington, D.C., Donald Wuerl, since the real Wuerl discovered him acting in summer stock theater in the Catskills in the early 1970’s.

The real Wuerl, who resembles actor Jack Klugman, said that he is auditioning new actors to play him, including tough-guy actor Joe Pesci.

Wuerl said that he’s “impressed with Pesci’s passion,” but added that “he’ll need to tone down the bad language a little if he wants to play me. Then again, all those ‘f’ words might shake some things up around here.”

Mar 5

Local Priest Reprimanded for Ash Wednesday Shenanigans

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Feb 27

Pope Develops Stiffness in Ash-Dispensing Arm, Leaves Lenten Service Early

pope_benedictVATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI was forced to leave Ash Wednesday services early yesterday after complaining of stiffness in his ash-dispensing arm. 

The grimacing Pope winced as he made the sign of the cross on the forehead of Mr. Michael Loftus of Lisle, Illinois. Mr. Loftus was the last person to receive ashes from the Pope.

“I could tell he was really laboring through the first three people he gave ashes to,”said Loftus. “His delivery was slower. He kept stepping off the altar, swinging his arm in a windmill motion. Wiping the sweat from his brow, taking deep breaths. When he got to me, I could see he had nothing left in the tank.”

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Feb 26

Vatican Scraps Lent as Recession Shuts Down Ash Company

ash-wednesdayVATICAN CITY – Catholic dioceses around the world have cancelled Lent this year because the Brunswick Ash Company of Newark, New Jersey, the exclusive supplier of ashes to the Church, has closed its doors due to the recession.

“This year is gone, but if we get some stimulus money, then double mazel tov, we’ll reopen next year,” said Reuben Brunswick, president of the company that has been in his family for over 100 years. 

Mr. Brunswick’s biggest fear was telling the Pope. “I was sure the Holy Father would start hurling kneelers at me — you know, he’s got that whole German thing going on, but it turns out he’s a real mensch. His only concern was the hit the fish fries are going to take on Fridays if there’s no lent. He said, ‘That’s going to cost them some serious cheddar.’ ”

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Feb 25

Clinton Works to Improve U.S. Image with Muslims, Urges Congress to Legalize Honor Killings

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Feb 19

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