“It’s the story of a Samaritan who kind of helped the victim of a robbery, but not very well,” said Dr. Noah Swayne, Bible scholar at Cairo University. “Let’s be blunt: he’s a real screw up.”

In the long-lost Gospel, Jesus relates the parable to his apostles, then the apostle Peter asks him: “Master, has the Samaritan done the will of the father?”  Jesus answers: “Meh.”

“I’ve been telling my residents the past couple of days that people in Philadelphia want ice water, too,” he joked with host Jim Cantore.  “But seriously, we have this kind of weather year round.”

Mr. Cantore asked if there were any notable differences.   “Well, for one thing, you don’t have to deal with brimstone up here.  We’re under a brimstone warning, or a brimstone watch basically 24-7.  And of course, there’s the daily showers of fire that our people deal with. But you get used to it. Hey, we’ve got no choice!”

Evening Edition co-host Alexandra Steele asked Mr. Lucifer if he had any advice for people along the Atlantic seaboard struggling to cope with the oppressive temperatures.

“Remember, everything is relative. There is always some place where things are worse,” he said, with a wink.   He added that he hoped everyone watching would refrain from drinking water for the duration of the heat wave, and encouraged all viewers to engage in strenuous outdoor activities, particularly those people with a history of heart problems or breathing disorders, before he bade Cantore and Steele farewell.

More than 50% of Catholics claim they’ve been pick-pocketed by their parish priests while receiving communion.  Pickpocketing has helped some parishes increase their revenues by 40%. 

The more sophisticated operations have priests working in teams to pull off their larceny. 

“I was receiving communion from Father O’Malley whenFather Sullivan, standing next to him, pretended to drop a [communion] host,” said Rosecea Swayne.  “This created a sufficient distraction to give Father O’Malley an opportunity to slip his hand in my purse and remove $120.” 

The church’s teachings have consistently opposed larcney since the time of the Apostles, said Vatican spokesman Father Federico Lombardi, but scripture makes an exception for priests. “The Book of Leviticus allows them to ‘get it any way they can.’”

 ”When you’re as great as I am, you need a faith that is just as great,” he told members of the Beth Israel Synagogue.  “From this day forward, Allah and I are through. I am now a believer in the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.  And, I’d like to be called Irving Greenbaum. Shalom.”  Then, in a shocking turn of events, Mr. Greenbaum told the congregation he had accepted his draft notice from the Israeli Army.

“I didn’t have no quarrel with them Viet Cong, but me and them Palestinians are gonna get it on,” he shouted.  “If you were surprised when Nixon resigned, wait until I whup Ahmadinejad’s behind!”

Mr. Greenbaum said he looked forward to fulfilling his two year military committment, and to spending the remainder of his life behind the counter of the kosher delicatessen he plans to open when he returns.

The Pontiff was nabbed by Swiss police at the Zurich airport in a sting operation after he was tricked into believing he had won a lifetime achievement award, “The Golden Icon,” at the Zurich Film Festival.  Police were waiting for him at the airport.

It was the same ruse police used to arrest film director Roman Polanski last September.

As soon as the Pope saw the police, he realized he had been tricked and tried to flee.  He darted down a corridor and tried to blend in with a crowd of diners at a Sbarros fast food Italian restaurant.  But police spokesman Hans-Rudolf Merz said “the white outfit was a giveaway.” 

The Pope was visibly angry. “Vipers!” he shouted at police. “I should have put two and two together,” he said to a reporter as he was led away in handcuffs. “Why would they be giving me a lifetime achievement award for my accomplishments in the motion picture arts?”

“I told the Holy Father a long time ago that whenever he needed me, all he had to do was dial ‘O’ for O’Malley,” he said. “So I’m off on the road to the Vatican, buh buh buh boo.”

According to sources within the Church hierarchy, Father O’Malley will serve as chairman of a Papal Commission created to investigate alleged criminal acts committed by members of the clergy.

“His presence alone has a calming effect on the Pope,” said Cardinal Sarducci.

“Manys the time I’ve heard Father O’Malley’s dulcet baritone entertaining the pontiff with quaint Irish melodies he learned from his mother in Killarney.”

Members of the Swiss Guard subdued the frothing fowl as he ascended the altar towards the Pontiff.

“Holy Father, I’m coo coo for Cocoa Puffs! I’m coo coo for Cocoa Puffs!” he shouted.

Pope Benedict could be seen with his palms extended, mouthing the words “I know, I know.”

When guards dragged Sonny away, Benedict XVI slowly shook his head and appeared to say “Poor Sonny.”

This is not the first time that Sonny has created a public disturbance by professing his love for Cocoa Puffs..  A similar incident occurred last year during the G20 summit.

Members of Sonny’s family believe this latest outburst at the Vatican led to the rescinding of his invitation to the funeral of actor John Forsythe, who will be buried in Hollywood this morning.

“Sonny’s not a bad bird,” said one anonymous member of his flock. “He just gets all sugared up on that stuff and he freaks out at the wrong time.”

During the reading of the Passion at Good Friday services, parishioners at St. Elizabeth Church spontaneously changed the words of the script and yelled for the release of Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the so-called “Underwear Bomber,” instead of First Century insurrectionist Barabbas.  “I can’t explain it; it just felt right,” said parishioner Carol J. Murray.

The study confirms the passage from the Gospel of Mark:  “So he sent two of his disciples, telling them, ‘Go into the city, and a man carrying a jar of water will meet you. Follow him.  Say to the owner of the house he enters, “The Teacher asks: Where is my guest room, where I may eat the Passover with my disciples?” He will show you a large upper room with brand new Pella windows®, furnished and ready. Make preparations for us there.”

The Bible passage is widely-known as the only one in the New Testament that contains a registered trademark symbol.  It is also one of just two passages in the Bible that reference a home improvement product.  The other is found in the Book of Genesis:  “Jacob dreamed that there was a ladder manufactured by Little Giant Ladder Company set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven; and behold, the angels of God were ascending and descending on it!”

After the committee’s findings were made public, Pella Corporation beefed up its television and radio advertising with a new catch phrase touting it’s New Testament connection:  “Pella: good enough for Jesus.”

Mr. Christ, an itinerant preacher of the Gospel and founder of the Nazareth Depot, a one-stop shop for Holy Land carpenters, cited “problems with subcontractors” and an “unusually active sand-storm season” as the primary reasons for the delay.

“I know I said that if you tear down this Temple I would rebuild it in three days, but that was before I knew I was going to have to deal with union laborers. Every time we lay another brick some guy is going on break.”

The Temple Destruction/Reconstruction development project is the centerpiece of a massive urban renewal program approved by the joint council of Pharisees and Sadducees in an attempt to bring more people into downtown Jerusalem.

When completed, the Temple, in addition to housing the Ark of the Covenant, will also contain numerous specialty shops and boutiques, several high-end retailers, and at least one chain restaurant. 

“I’m anxious to get this project completed,” said Christ. “I’m meeting the apostles for dinner tonight. Maybe I can get a couple of them to volunteer a few hours of their time so we can finish before the weekend.”