Saint Paul’s Newly Discovered Letter to Thessalonians Urges Brethren to Keep Christ Out of Christmas
THESSALONIA, Ohio – Theologians are calling Saint Paul’s third letter to the Thessalonians, lost in the mail for 2,000 years because of insufficient postage, but finally delivered and opened last night, a “bombshell” because it urges that Christ be kept out of Christmas.
The letter, written in Saint Paul’s hand, was finally delivered Saturday to Thessalonia, Ohio, by the U.S. Postal Service. After examining it, Thessalonia’s mayor, Hubert P. Goodsimple, concluded that it was meant for “the other Thessalonia.”
Nevertheless, the Mayor said that the Ohio town, population 2,155, intends to keep the letter and display it in the local public library, next to a 1962 letter sent to the local Rotary Club by Moe Howard of the Three Stooges. Mr. Howard’s letter was written to cancel a public appearance by the Stooges due to an illness by frizzy-haired Stooge Larry Fine.
JERUSALEM – Biblical archaeologists have unearthed a portion of the Gospel of Luke, lost for more than 1,900 years, that reportedly tells the story of the Mediocre Samaritan, brother of the Good Samaritan.
“It’s the story of a Samaritan who kind of helped the victim of a robbery, but not very well,” said Dr. Noah Swayne, Bible scholar at Cairo University. “Let’s be blunt: he’s a real screw up.”
In the long-lost Gospel, Jesus relates the parable to his apostles, then the apostle Peter asks him: “Master, has the Samaritan done the will of the father?” Jesus answers: “Meh.”
ATLANTA – Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness and Ruler of Hell, made a special guest appearance last night on The Weather Channel’s Evening Edition to offer his own unique perspective on the heat wave that is gripping much of the East Coast.
“I’ve been telling my residents the past couple of days that people in Philadelphia want ice water, too,” he joked with host Jim Cantore. “But seriously, we have this kind of weather year round.”
Mr. Cantore asked if there were any notable differences. “Well, for one thing, you don’t have to deal with brimstone up here. We’re under a brimstone warning, or a brimstone watch basically 24-7. And of course, there’s the daily showers of fire that our people deal with. But you get used to it. Hey, we’ve got no choice!”
VATICAN CITY – Collections at Roman Catholic churches are down all over the world due to the recession, and more and more pastors are resorting to pickpocketing to fill the church’s coffers.
More than 50% of Catholics claim they’ve been pick-pocketed by their parish priests while receiving communion. Pickpocketing has helped some parishes increase their revenues by 40%.
The more sophisticated operations have priests working in teams to pull off their larceny.
LOUISVILLE – Over four decades after he shook up the world by converting to Islam, sixty-eight year old former heavyweight champion Muhammad Ali announced yesterday that he is changing religions – and names – once again. This time, he’s embracing Judaism.
”When you’re as great as I am, you need a faith that is just as great,” he told members of the Beth Israel Synagogue. “From this day forward, Allah and I are through. I am now a believer in the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. And, I’d like to be called Irving Greenbaum. Shalom.” Then, in a shocking turn of events, Mr. Greenbaum told the congregation he had accepted his draft notice from the Israeli Army.
“I didn’t have no quarrel with them Viet Cong, but me and them Palestinians are gonna get it on,” he shouted. “If you were surprised when Nixon resigned, wait until I whup Ahmadinejad’s behind!”
Mr. Greenbaum said he looked forward to fulfilling his two year military committment, and to spending the remainder of his life behind the counter of the kosher delicatessen he plans to open when he returns.
ZURICH – Pope Benedict XVI was arrested yesterday in connection with his alleged failure to take action to stop the sexual molestation of children at the hands of Catholic clerics.
The Pontiff was nabbed by Swiss police at the Zurich airport in a sting operation after he was tricked into believing he had won a lifetime achievement award, “The Golden Icon,” at the Zurich Film Festival. Police were waiting for him at the airport.
It was the same ruse police used to arrest film director Roman Polanski last September.
VATICAN CITY – Father Chuck O’Malley, the debonair man of the cloth who has saved a nun dying from tuberculosis, kept a struggling Catholic school from closing, and reunited an elderly superior with his enfeebled mother, all in under two hours time, has been summoned to Rome.
“I told the Holy Father a long time ago that whenever he needed me, all he had to do was dial ‘O’ for O’Malley,” he said. “So I’m off on the road to the Vatican, buh buh buh boo.”
According to sources within the Church hierarchy, Father O’Malley will serve as chairman of a Papal Commission created to investigate alleged criminal acts committed by members of the clergy.
VATICAN CITY – Sonny the Cocoa Puffs Bird, whose passion for the chocolate breakfast cereal teeters on the brink of insanity, had an “episode” during Easter Mass at St. Peter’s Basilica yesterday, shouting down the Pope’s homily with repeated hysterical proclamations that he was “coo coo for Cocoa Puffs.”
Members of the Swiss Guard subdued the frothing fowl as he ascended the altar towards the Pontiff.
“Holy Father, I’m coo coo for Cocoa Puffs! I’m coo coo for Cocoa Puffs!” he shouted.
Parishioners Shout for Release of Underwear Bomber Instead of Barabbas
During the reading of the Passion at Good Friday services, parishioners at St. Elizabeth Church spontaneously changed the words of the script and yelled for the release of Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the so-called “Underwear Bomber,” instead of First Century insurrectionist Barabbas. “I can’t explain it; it just felt right,” said parishioner Carol J. Murray.
JERUSALEM - An inter-faith committee of theologians has concluded that the windows in the Cenacle, or “Upper Room,” referenced in the New Testament as the site of the Last Supper, were manufactured by window and door manufacturing giant Pella® Corporation of Pella, Iowa.
The study confirms the passage from the Gospel of Mark: “So he sent two of his disciples, telling them, ‘Go into the city, and a man carrying a jar of water will meet you. Follow him. Say to the owner of the house he enters, “The Teacher asks: Where is my guest room, where I may eat the Passover with my disciples?” He will show you a large upper room with brand new Pella windows®, furnished and ready. Make preparations for us there.”
The Bible passage is widely-known as the only one in the New Testament that contains a registered trademark symbol. It is also one of just two passages in the Bible that reference a home improvement product. The other is found in the Book of Genesis: “Jacob dreamed that there was a ladder manufactured by Little Giant Ladder Company set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven; and behold, the angels of God were ascending and descending on it!”
After the committee’s findings were made public, Pella Corporation beefed up its television and radio advertising with a new catch phrase touting it’s New Testament connection: “Pella: good enough for Jesus.”
Carbolic Flashback: 33 A.D. Citing Problem With Subcontractors, Jesus Seeks Extension On Three Day Rebuilding of Temple
JERUSALEM - Jesus Christ filed a petition with the city planning commission yesterday seeking an extension on his promised three day rebuilding of the Temple.
Mr. Christ, an itinerant preacher of the Gospel and founder of the Nazareth Depot, a one-stop shop for Holy Land carpenters, cited “problems with subcontractors” and an “unusually active sand-storm season” as the primary reasons for the delay.
“I know I said that if you tear down this Temple I would rebuild it in three days, but that was before I knew I was going to have to deal with union laborers. Every time we lay another brick some guy is going on break.”
VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI married Mrs. Rosacea Lugosi, 58, a widow from Florence, in a move designed to shield the Pope’s assets from seizure in the event lawsuits filed by clerical sex abuse victims are successful. The marriage is the Pope’s first.
Vatican lawyers say that in light of the wedding, all of the Pontiff’s assets, including St. Peters Basilica, are now jointly owned and beyond the reach of three Kentucky plaintiffs, who filed suits claiming the Holy See was negligent in failing to alert civil authorities about a priest who molested children.
A smiling Vatican spokesman, Father Federico Lombardi, made the announcement: “As of 10:30 this morning when the Pope said ‘I do,’ these three plaintiffs can get themselves a runaway verdict, for all the Pope cares, because they’ll never get a dime out of the Holy Father. Oh, and the Pope has lifted the ban on priests marrying.”
VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI expressed the Church’s “shame and remorse” for its involvement in “sinful and criminal” sex scandals in Ireland and the United States, and confirmed that he will play in this year’s Masters tournament.
“Obviously, the ratings for the tournament will be off the charts,” said Masters Chairman Noah Swayne. “To my knowledge, His Holiness has never played golf before, so it should be very interesting.”
Golf legend Arnold Palmer applauded the Pontiff’s decision to play at Augusta. “I think it’s the right thing for him to do, if he wants to put these scandals behind him.”
“In order to meet the conditions for ‘just road rage,’ the driver whose conduct prompted the rage must have done something to really piss off the person who goes into the rage,” explained Monsignor Hermann Gottlieb.
“The theologians are unanimous that only the most serious conditions justify road rage, like failing to use a turn signal or driving too slow in the fast lane.”
Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin said the woman will be used to plug up the team’s biggest weakness, the pass defense. She will start in this week’s game against the Ravens.
“We were very, very impressed with the video we saw from Vatican City,” said Tomlin. “After Mass, I telephoned the Holy Father, who confirmed that she landed a good, solid hit. He assured me she’s the real deal, and may be our only hope of making the playoffs.”
ROME – Italian police discovered a papal tackle dummy in the basement of the woman who leaped over a barrier inside Saint Peter’s Basilica and assaulted Pope Benedict XVI at the start of Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve.
“We have reason to believe that the tackle dummy represents the Pope because the dummy is wearing a Papal mitre and has the word ‘Pope’ written on its shirt,” said Commander Rudolfo Lassparri of the Rome Police Department.
The discovery of the tackle dummy led police to conclude that the attack on the Pontiff was premeditated.
PITTSBURGH – Immediately following the 7:30 a.m. Mass at St. Elizabeth Church in suburban Pittsburgh on Sunday, Noah Swayne announced to fellow parishioners that he was retracting the sign of peace he had given to an unnamed parishioner.
Swayne read a hastily prepared statement to about a half-dozen curious parishioners on the steps of the church.
“I regret to announce that after I had given the sign of peace to a certain person, whose name I shall not reveal, I suddenly recalled that some years back, such person was rumored to have engaged in certain misconduct that is altogether too revolting to elaborate upon,” Swayne explained.
VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI issued a papal edict yesterday convening a new Vatican Council to adress the possibility of sweeping changes in the way the game of football is celebrated by the University of Notre Dame.
The Council will be attended by the entire College of Cardinals as well as former Notre Dame Coach Lou Holtz and the staff of ESPN’s College Gameday.
“I have heard the cries of the beleaguered subway alumni who worship at the altar of the football club from South Bend,” said the Pope. “It is my fervent hope that over the course of our discussions, and many hours of prayerful contemplation, guided by the Holy Spirit, we will be able to chart a course for our beloved team that can take us to a BCS Bowl next year, and for years to come.”
HEAVEN - God, the Alpha and the Omega, creator of the heavens and Earth who has on occasion played an important role in the outcome of professional athletic contests across America, said he had nothing to do with the touchdown pass caught by Dallas Cowboys receiver Miles Austin in the Cowboys’ 37-21 victory over the Falcons.
“I’d like to take credit for the catch, especially since Miles was so quick to give Me all the credit in his post-game remarks, but I didn’t see it.”
God said he regretted missing the play. “From what I’ve been told, Miles did a great job of getting open, and I guess Tony (Romo) made a heckuva throw.” He then chuckled. “Can I say ‘heckuva’?” he quipped.