Blog Archives

Pope/Palin Form Exploratory Committee, Eyeing 2016 Run

Posted in Politics, Religion

Saint Paul’s Newly Discovered Letter to Thessalonians Urges Brethren to Keep Christ Out of Christmas

THESSALONIA, Ohio – Theologians are calling Saint Paul’s third letter to the Thessalonians, lost in the mail for 2,000 years because of insufficient postage, but finally delivered and opened last night, a “bombshell” because it urges that Christ be kept

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Posted in Christmas, Religion

Long-Lost Scripture Is Parable of The Mediocre Samaritan

JERUSALEM – Biblical archaeologists have unearthed a portion of the Gospel of Luke, lost for more than 1,900 years, that reportedly tells the story of the Mediocre Samaritan, brother of the Good Samaritan. “It’s the story of a Samaritan who kind of helped the victim of a

Posted in Extras, Religion

Lucifer Tells The Weather Channel: “We Have This Weather Year Round”

ATLANTA – Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness and Ruler of Hell, made a special guest appearance last night on The Weather Channel’s Evening Edition to offer his own unique perspective on the heat wave that is gripping much of the

Posted in Extras, Religion, U.S. News, Weather

Recession Hits Church, Priests Resort to Pickpocketing

VATICAN CITY – Collections at Roman Catholic churches are down all over the world due to the recession, and more and more pastors are resorting to pickpocketing to fill the church’s coffers. More than 50% of Catholics claim they’ve been pick-pocketed by their parish priests while receiving

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Posted in Economy, Religion

Muhammad Ali Converts To Judaism, Changes Name To Irving Greenbaum

LOUISVILLE – Over four decades after he shook up the world by converting to Islam, sixty-eight year old former heavyweight champion Muhammad Ali announced yesterday that he is changing religions – and names – once again.  This time, he’s embracing

Posted in Carbolic News, Extras, Pop Culture, Religion, Sports, U.S. News

Pope Arrested For Sex Crimes, Falls For Same Ruse That Nabbed Roman Polanski

ZURICH – Pope Benedict XVI was arrested yesterday in connection with his alleged failure to take action to stop the sexual molestation of children at the hands of Catholic clerics.  The Pontiff was nabbed by Swiss police at the Zurich

Posted in Religion

Father O’Malley Summoned To Rome

VATICAN CITY – Father Chuck O’Malley, the debonair man of the cloth who has saved a nun dying from tuberculosis, kept a struggling Catholic school from closing, and reunited an elderly superior with his enfeebled mother, all in under two

Posted in Religion

Cocoa Puffs Bird Disrupts Easter Service At Vatican

VATICAN CITY – Sonny the Cocoa Puffs Bird, whose passion for the chocolate breakfast cereal teeters on the brink of insanity, had an “episode” during Easter Mass at St. Peter’s Basilica yesterday, shouting down the Pope’s homily with repeated hysterical proclamations

Posted in Religion

PASSION READING MIX-UP!

Parishioners Shout for Release of Underwear Bomber Instead of Barabbas During the reading of the Passion at Good Friday services, parishioners at St. Elizabeth Church spontaneously changed the words of the script and yelled for the release of Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the

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Posted in Religion

Theologians: Windows in Last Supper’s “Upper Room” Manufactured By Pella

JERUSALEM – An inter-faith committee of theologians has concluded that the windows in the Cenacle, or “Upper Room,” referenced in the New Testament as the site of the Last Supper, were manufactured by window and door manufacturing giant Pella® Corporation of Pella, Iowa. The study confirms the

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Posted in Religion

Carbolic Flashback: 33 A.D. Citing Problem With Subcontractors, Jesus Seeks Extension On Three Day Rebuilding of Temple

JERUSALEM – Jesus Christ filed a petition with the city planning commission yesterday seeking an extension on his promised three day rebuilding of the Temple.  Mr. Christ, an itinerant preacher of the Gospel and founder of the Nazareth Depot, a one-stop shop for Holy Land carpenters,

Posted in Archival Reports, Religion

Pope Marries to Shield Assets From Sex Abuse Plaintiffs

VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI married Mrs. Rosacea Lugosi, 58, a widow from Florence, in a move designed to shield the Pope’s assets from seizure in the event lawsuits filed by clerical sex abuse victims are successful.  The marriage is the Pope’s

Posted in Religion

Pope Apologizes For Church’s Sex Sins, Says He’ll Play In The Masters

VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI expressed the Church’s “shame and remorse” for its involvement in “sinful and criminal” sex scandals in Ireland and the United States, and confirmed that he will play in this year’s Masters tournament. “Obviously, the ratings for

Posted in Religion, Sports

Theologians Extend Doctrine of “Just War” To “Just Road Rage”

VATICAN CITY – Theologians from around the world meeting in a special conclave announced last night that not only is war justified under certain conditions, so is road rage. “In order to meet the conditions for ‘just road rage,’ the driver whose conduct

Posted in Religion

Breaking News: Pittsburgh Steelers Sign Woman Who Knocked Down Pope

VATICAN CITY – The Pittsburgh Steelers have signed the woman who jumped a barricade in St. Peter’s Basilica and knocked Pope Benedict XVI to the floor at the start of midnight Mass. Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin said the woman will

Posted in Religion, Sports

Police Find Papal Tackle Dummy in Home of Pope’s Assailant, Conclude Assault Was Premeditated

ROME – Italian police discovered a papal tackle dummy in the basement of the woman who leaped over a barrier inside Saint Peter’s Basilica and assaulted Pope Benedict XVI at the start of Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve.  “We have

Posted in Crime, Religion

Local Man Retracts Sign of Peace

PITTSBURGH – Immediately following the 7:30 a.m. Mass at St. Elizabeth Church in suburban Pittsburgh on Sunday, Noah Swayne announced to fellow parishioners that he was retracting the sign of peace he had given to an unnamed parishioner. Swayne read

Posted in Religion

Pope Convenes Vatican Council To Discuss Sweeping Changes In Notre Dame Football

VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI issued a papal edict yesterday convening a new Vatican Council to adress the possibility of sweeping changes in the way the game of football is celebrated by the University of Notre Dame. The Council

Posted in Religion

God: “I Had Nothing To Do With Touchdown”

HEAVEN – God, the Alpha and the Omega, creator of the heavens and Earth who has on occasion played an important role in the outcome of professional athletic contests across America, said he had nothing to do with the touchdown pass

Posted in Religion, Sports
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