Theologians Extend Doctrine of “Just War” To “Just Road Rage”

swiss-guardVATICAN CITY – Theologians from around the world meeting in a special conclave announced last night that not only is war justified under certain conditions, so is road rage.

“In order to meet the conditions for ‘just road rage,’ the driver whose conduct prompted the rage must have done something to really piss off the person who goes into the rage,” explained Monsignor Hermann Gottlieb.  

“The theologians are unanimous that only the most serious conditions justify road rage, like failing to use a turn signal or driving too slow in the fast lane.”

Jan 27

Breaking News: Pittsburgh Steelers Sign Woman Who Knocked Down Pope

lingerie-football-1__1242340579_7221VATICAN CITY – The Pittsburgh Steelers have signed the woman who jumped a barricade in St. Peter’s Basilica and knocked Pope Benedict XVI to the floor at the start of midnight Mass.

Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin said the woman will be used to plug up the team’s biggest weakness, the pass defense.  She will start in this week’s game against the Ravens.

“We were very, very impressed with the video we saw from Vatican City,” said Tomlin.  “After Mass, I telephoned the Holy Father, who confirmed that she landed a good, solid hit.  He assured me she’s the real deal, and may be our only hope of making the playoffs.”

Dec 24

Police Find Papal Tackle Dummy in Home of Pope’s Assailant, Conclude Assault Was Premeditated

Papal Tackle DummyaROME – Italian police discovered a papal tackle dummy in the basement of the woman who leaped over a barrier inside Saint Peter’s Basilica and assaulted Pope Benedict XVI at the start of Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve. 

“We have reason to believe that the tackle dummy represents the Pope because the dummy is wearing a Papal mitre and has the word ‘Pope’ written on its shirt,” said Commander Rudolfo Lassparri of the Rome Police Department.

The discovery of the tackle dummy led police to conclude that the attack on the Pontiff was premeditated.

Dec 24

Saint Paul’s Newly Discovered Letter to Thessalonians Urges Brethren to Keep Christ Out of Christmas

saint-paul2THESSALONIA, Ohio – Theologians are calling Saint Paul’s third letter to the Thessalonians, lost in the mail for 2,000 years because of insufficient postage, but finally delivered and opened last night, a “bombshell” because it urges that Christ be kept out of Christmas.

The letter, written in Saint Paul’s hand, was finally delivered Saturday to Thessalonia, Ohio, by the U.S. Postal Service.  After examining it, Thessalonia’s mayor, Hubert P. Goodsimple, concluded that it was meant for “the other Thessalonia.”  

Nevertheless, the Mayor said that the Ohio town, population 2,155,  intends to keep the letter and display it in the local public library, next to a 1962 letter sent to the local Rotary Club by Moe Howard of the Three Stooges. Mr. Howard’s letter was written to cancel a public appearance by the Stooges due to an illness by frizzy-haired Stooge Larry Fine.

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Dec 22

Local Man Retracts Sign of Peace

Holy-WaterPITTSBURGH – Immediately following the 7:30 a.m. Mass at St. Elizabeth Church in suburban Pittsburgh on Sunday, Noah Swayne announced to fellow parishioners that he was retracting the sign of peace he had given to an unnamed parishioner.

Swayne read a hastily prepared statement to about a half-dozen curious parishioners on the steps of the church.

“I regret to announce that after I had given the sign of peace to a certain person, whose name I shall not reveal, I suddenly recalled that some years back, such person was rumored to have engaged in certain misconduct that is altogether too revolting to elaborate upon,” Swayne explained.

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Dec 1

Pope Convenes Vatican Council To Discuss Sweeping Changes In Notre Dame Football

swiss-guardVATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI issued a papal edict yesterday convening a new Vatican Council to adress the possibility of sweeping changes in the way the game of football is celebrated by the University of Notre Dame.

The Council will be attended by the entire College of Cardinals as well as former Notre Dame Coach Lou Holtz and the staff of ESPN’s College Gameday.

“I have heard the cries of the beleaguered subway alumni who worship at the altar of the football club from South Bend,” said the Pope. “It is my fervent hope that over the course of our discussions, and many hours of prayerful contemplation, guided by the Holy Spirit, we will be able to chart a course for our beloved team that can take us to a BCS Bowl next year, and for years to come.”

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Nov 16

God: “I Had Nothing To Do With Touchdown”

god2HEAVEN - God, the Alpha and the Omega, creator of the heavens and Earth who has on occasion played an important role in the outcome of professional athletic contests across America, said he had nothing to do with the touchdown pass caught by Dallas Cowboys receiver Miles Austin in the Cowboys’ 37-21 victory over the Falcons.

“I’d like to take credit for the catch, especially since Miles was so quick to give Me all the credit in his post-game remarks, but I didn’t see it.”

God said he regretted missing the play. “From what I’ve been told, Miles did a great job of getting open, and I guess Tony (Romo) made a heckuva throw.” He then chuckled. “Can I say ‘heckuva’?” he quipped.

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Oct 26

Pope Hospitalized After Reporting Erection Lasting Longer Than Four Hours

viagraVATICAN CITY - Pope Benedict XVI, Vicar of Christ on Earth and leader of the Roman Catholic Church, was rushed to the hospital yesterday afternoon after enduring an erection that lasted more than four hours, according to a Vatican spokesman.

In an ironic twist, the Pope realized that his erection had broken the two-hundred and forty minute mark while watching a rebroadcast of the Twins-Yankees game on the MLB Network.

“The Holy Father did exactly as he was instructed to do by the anonymous voice providing the disclaimer on the Viagra commercial,” said Father Joseph Dunn, who was watching the game with the Pope. “He called his doctor.”

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Oct 15

Holy Water Drought Blamed on Climate Change

Holy WaterVATICAN CITY – The Holy See has declared a global holy water drought, brought on by climate change, and former Vice President Al Gore was summoned to the Vatican to confer with the College of Cardinals about a solution.  “Prayer, unfortunately, won’t cut it,” Gore told a reporter.

Noah Swayne, who sings in the choir at St. Elizabeth of Hungary Parish near Pittsburgh, was visibly overwrought by the drought.  “How the [expletive deleted] is one supposed to bless oneself without the [expletive deleted] holy water?”  Swayne claimed that he has been “defiled” because he isn’t able to bless himself without holy water.  

The Pope is urging the holy water producing nations to increase production and has hinted he might tap into the Vatican’s strategic holy water reserve to ease the crisis.

Oct 7

Mother Angelica: “I Had An Inappropriate Imaginary Relationship With Johnny Weissmuller”

glenn36NEW YORK - Mother Angelica shocked her studio audience last night by revealing that she once had what she called an “inappropriate imaginary relationship” with former matinee idol and Olympic swimming champion Johnny Weissmuller. 

“Do you have time for a story?” she asked, before launching into a mesmerizing eleven minute monologue that was at times both uncomfortable and spellbinding.

“I spent a good part of every day gazing at Johnny’s picture, imagining what it would be like to live in a jungle tree house with a chimpanzee,” she said. “I fantasized about enjoying a chaste relationship with a man who walked the Earth wearing only a loincloth. Eventually, I went too far. I drew a heart, and in the middle I wrote ‘Anjelica + Johnny.’ I’ve carried that shame for seventy years.”

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Oct 7

Shocker: Road to Hell is Paved by the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation

ConstructionConesSALT LAKE CITY – An interfaith committee of prominent theologians from around the world has released the findings of a three-year study to study the road to hell. 

The committee concluded that the road was paved by the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation. 

PennDOT would not confirm the Committee’s conclusion. The Committee said its conclusion is based in part on the fact that the road is is riddled with potholes and that orange barrels are strewn across most of its length.

Oct 1

Benedict XVI Finds New Ways to Reach Youth

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Jul 27

Pope Breaks Arm in Barroom Brawl

PopeBrawlVATICAN CITY – The Swiss Guard was summoned to break up a brawl at The Confessional Tavern in Vatican City last night involving a drunken disorderly male later identified as Pope Benedict XVI.

When the Swiss Guard arrived at the scene they observed employees of the tavern trying to restrain the Pontiff, who was waving a broken beer bottle at them and shouting, “Come on!  Who wants a piece of me?”  When the Swiss Guard tried to restrain him, he slipped and fell, breaking his right arm.  

The dispute reportedly started when a waiter at the tavern asked the Pope to bring his tab current.

Jul 23

Oldest Known Portrait of St. Paul Found on Catacomb Walls Resembles Late TV Pitchman Billy Mays

billy-ne-1ROME – Vatican archaeologists have discovered the oldest image in existence of St Paul the Apostle, dating from the late 4th century, on the walls of a catacomb beneath Rome.  

Vatican newspaper Osservatore Romano, revealing the find on Monday, published a picture of a frescoed image of the face of a man who bears what one Cardinal called “an uncanny resemblance” to late TV pitchman Billy Mays.

Pope Benedict described the image to reporters as that of an ordinary Joe.  ”He looks like that good looking guy at the end of the cul de sac who you just want to hang with and have a couple of beers, even though you know he’s going to talk a lot of nonsense and sell you something you don’t need.”

Jun 30

Intruder Attacks, Tries to Put Red Hat on Roger Federer at French Open; College of Cardinals Are Persons of Interest

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Jun 8

Swiss Guard Deserts Vatican After Learning Pontiff Isn’t Swiss

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May 29

Frito-Lay Taps Into Religious Fanatic Market With Virgin Mary Cheetos

cheetosaNEW YORK – Frito-Lay President Albert Carey said the company will target an untapped market of religious fanatics eager to find faith-based images in the company’s iconic Cheetos snack brand. 

“We will produce a special line of our cheese-flavored cornmeal snack consisting entirely of images of the Virgin Mary, Jesus and other religious figures,” Carey said. 

“Now, the loonies won’t have to invent miraculous images out of strange looking Cheetos; every bag will be filled with them, to match our snack’s miraculous taste.”

May 28

Theologians: Windows in Last Supper’s “Upper Room” Manufactured By Pella

last-supper-2009aJERUSALEM – After a five-year study, an inter-faith committee of theologians has concluded that the windows in the Cenacle, or “Upper Room,” referenced in the New Testament as the site of the Last Supper, were manufactured by window and door manufacturing giant Pella® Corporation of Pella, Iowa.

The study confirms the passage from the Gospel of Mark:  “So he sent two of his disciples, telling them, ‘Go into the city, and a man carrying a jar of water will meet you. Follow him.  Say to the owner of the house he enters, “The Teacher asks: Where is my guest room, where I may eat the Passover with my disciples?” He will show you a large upper room with brand new Pella windows®, furnished and ready. Make preparations for us there.”

The Bible passage is widely-known as the only one in the New Testament that contains a registered trademark symbol.  It is also one of just two passages in the Bible that reference a home improvement product.  The other is found in the Book of Genesis:  “Jacob dreamed that there was a ladder manufactured by Little Giant Ladder Company set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven; and behold, the angels of God were ascending and descending on it!”

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May 20

Obama, Catholic Church Hammer Out Consensus Statement on Abortion

obamanotredame-1Thus far, the statement reads: “The fetus is a human being; no it isn’t.”

May 20

Opie Taylor Drowns in Fishing Hole in Vatican TV’s Edits of “Andy Griffith Show”

opieVATICAN CITY – The Vatican upped the ante in its simmering feud with director Ron Howard over the upcoming release of Angels & Demons, the sequel to Da Vinci Code, which the Vatican has denounced as contrary to church teachings.  The Vatican television station has edited old episodes of the landmark sitcom The Andy Griffith Show to make it appear that Mr. Howard’s character, young Opie Taylor, drowns in the show’s fishing hole featured in the opening credits. 

As actors Andy Griffith and Ron Howard are seen walking toward the fishing hole with Earle Hagen’s iconic theme song whistling in the background, suddenly, a Vatican spokesman cuts in and soberly reads a prepared announcement.

“The Vatican is saddened to announce that Mr. Opie Taylor, the delightful young lad who co-stars in The Andy Griffith Show, died unexpectedly by drowning in the fishing hole.  Since Mr. Opie Taylor is believed to have died a suicide’s death, this prevents him from entering into eternal life, so his soul is now writhing in hell for eternity.  We now return to the broadcast.”

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May 15

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