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Reports From the Trail
HOLLYWOOD - Comedian Bill Maher was forced to cancel public appearances in support of his new film Religulous this weekend after he mysteriously developed wounds to his hands, forehead and side eerily similar to the wounds suffered by Jesus Christ during His arrest and crucifixion.
Mr. Maher discovered the wounds while shaking hands with Larry King on CNN’s Larry King Show Friday night. Mr. King recoiled at Mr. Maher’s touch and accidentally wiped blood on his suspenders. Mr. Maher began apologizing and offered to pay for Mr. King’s dry cleaning.
It’s probably just an allergic reaction to some bad shellfish I had the other day,” said Mr. Maher, before collapsing with what he described as searing abdominal pain. “It’s like a lance is shredding my skin and wrapping itself around my intestines,” he cried.
Arabs wonder, “What are those sneaky Jews up to now?”
VATICAN CITY - The Vatican Press Office issued a statement yesterday announcing that Pope Benedict XVI, heir to Saint Peter, Vicar of Christ on earth and head of the Roman Catholic Church, has decided to change his name.
“From this day forward, the Holy Father wishes to be known as Pope Benedict Ocho Cinco.”
The Pope filed the necessary paperwork with the Vatican City Recorder of Deeds office in the Vatican City government center on Friday. Vatican insiders said the Pope initially thought about changing his name to “Pope Benedict He Hate Me,” in tribute to former NFL running back Rod Smart, but changed his mind at the last minute.
ROME - Controversial American pop star Madonna dedicated her performance of “Like a Virgin” to Pope Benedict XVI before a full-house at the Coors Light Mussolini Amphitheater Sunday night, only to have her magnanimous gesture topped by The Holy Father the next day.
Following the entrance hymn at Monday morning’s 6:30 Mass in St. Peter’s Basilica, the Pope made his announcement to a standing-room only congregation.
“I’m dedicating the Gospel acclamation during today’s liturgy to Madonna because I am a child of God,” he said. ”All of you are also children of God.”
WASHINGTON - Barack Obama revealed today that he saved the lives of 51 passengers last month when his plane lost pitch control at a high altitude and had to make an emergency landing in St. Louis.
The pilot could not get the plane’s nose to move up and down, Obama recalled. ”Several passengers reported the malfunction to me, and they were clearly frightened. I chided them, ‘Oh ye of little faith!’” Obama said. “I put down the Bible I was studying and handed my American flag lapel pin to a flight attendant for safe keeping. Then I opened a hatch, climbed out onto the wing, and made my way to the nose.
“It was frigid cold at that altitude, but I knew what had to be done. When I reached the nose, I could tell intantaneously that it was stuck in one position, so with all my might I pried it loose.” Obama then climbed back into the plane to the cheers of his fellow passengers. “I pleaded with them not to reveal this miracle until my hour had arrived,” he said.
Blessed Mother says she plans to sell it on Ebay.
BAGHDAD - The four female suicide bombers who struck a Shiite pilgrimage in Baghdad yesterday suffered “a rude awakening” when they entered Paradise and were greeted by only 55 male virgins instead of the 72 female virgins that typically greet their male counterparts.
The disparity reflects the gender wage gap that pays women only 77% of what men make for doing the same work, according to a spokeswoman for the Iraqi NOW.
A Sunni official denied that the disparity is attributable to discrimination but said it is due to the fact that on average men kill more civilians and blow up more property per suicide than women.
“I definitely want to go to heaven, Holy Father!”
“I want to go to heaven at least as much as he does, if not more!”
SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA - The mother of a one-year-old girl has accused Pope Benedict XVI of trying to kidnap her child in the final hours of the pontiff’s 9-day visit to Australia.
Velveeta Lugosi-Swayne told authorities that the holy father reached out of the Pope Mobile, grabbed her daughter by the head, and tried to pull the child into the vehicle.
“He asked her if she liked communion wafers,” said a still-shaken Lugosi-Swayne, “and before I knew it, she was gone.”
Ron Vassel, an American tourist who stopped to snap pictures of the Pope while en route to a “Lost” fan club convention, grabbed the girl’s feet and prevented the pontiff from abducting her.
“I was glad to help,” said Vassel, who described himself as a devout Catholic. ”I just hope I don’t get excommunicated for this.”
SYDNEY - Pope Benedict XVI concluded World Youth Day ceremonies by announcing to a crowd of over 400,000 that he would return to Rome to begin the canonization process for the late Steve Irwin.
Mr. Irwin, a zoologist who dedicated his life to preserving and protecting the lives of animals and the planet, was one of Australia’s most beloved public figures. He was killed by a stingray while filming a television show in 2006. The stingray remains at large.
“Steve was a wonderful human being,” said the Pontiff. “I spent many hours thrilling to his television adventures, and I was always entertained.”
Pope Benedict XVI disguises himself as a cab driver in Sidney, Australia, to avoid being recognized before the start of World Youth Day.
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