Mrs. Obama’s War On Obese Children To “Make Example” of Spanky McFarland

spanky

 

Beloved “Little Rascals” star shipped to Gitmo for waterboarding, sweat lodge ceremony

Feb 10

GOP Leaders Call for James Cameron to Step Down as King of the World, Say “Unfair Double Standard” Allowed Director to Create Na’vi Dialect

james-cameron“Trent Lott never would have been able to get away with that,” said party chairman Michael Steele

Jan 13

Bela Lugosi: “Let’s Get the Old Gang Together and Remake ‘Twilight’ the Right Way!”

Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Guest Critic Bela Lugosi

In three weeks, the pea-brained, estrogen-poisoned teenage girls of America will be flocking to see the next abomination in the “Twilight Saga,” which they’ve deluded themselves into thinking are vampire flicks.

The “Twilight” films are not vampire flicks.

I cannot write what “Twilight” really is because this is a family news outlet, but suffice it to say that “Twilight” was the worst motion picture ever produced. The video from an ATM surveillance camera is better than this drek. “Twilight” was an open sewer, a damnable pit of putrefaction, an atrocity, a slimy gathering of all that is rotten and putrid in the debris of human depravity.

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Oct 30

Kanye West Apologizes for Rudeness to Head Caucasian, Kevin Costner

Costner

Sep 16

Kanye West Crashes Hillary Clinton Speech

KanyeHillaryAngry rapper grabs mic, insists Beyonce should have been named Secretary of State

Sep 13

Coroner Declares Jackson “King of Prop”

KingofProp

Aug 25

The 4,000 Jews Who Failed to Show Up For Work at the World Trade Center on September 11th are Spotted Celebrating the 40th Anniversary of Woodstock

WoodstockJewsArabs wonder, “What are those sneaky Jews up to now?”

Aug 17

Chris Brown Videotapes Apology to Rihanna

ChrisBrownApology“Bitch better accept it, or else!” says contrite rapper

Jul 22

Carbolic Exclusive Photo: Michael Jackson’s Former Lovers Line Up for Memorial Service

JacksonBoys

Jul 8

Obama Apologizes To, Calls For Dialogue With, Romulans

obama_spock“I intend to take our ’Blame America First’ program where no man has gone before.”

May 11

Supreme Court Calls New Star Trek Flick “Totally Bitchin”

startrek_fridayWASHINGTON – The United States Supreme Court issued its long-awaited opinion on the new Star Trekmovie yesterday. The verdict: Totally Bitchin.

The decision was released following a special matinee showing of the blockbuster hit at a downtown multiplex attended by all nine justices.

Writing for the majority, Chief Justice John Roberts called the film “totally bitchin,” and  ”one of the coolest pictures he’s seen in a long time.”

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May 11

Music World Scandal: Homely Singing Phenom Susan Boyle Lip-Syncs to Voice of “Little Ugly Girl” From Beijing Olympics

susan-boyle

Apr 23

Chris Brown Pleads “Not Guilty” to Felony Assault, Guilty to “Bitch-Slappin’ That Ho”

chrisbrownplea“That ain’t a crime. That’s just keepin’ it real,” R&B singer says

Apr 7

Star of “Guiding Light” for 72 Years Laments Show’s Passing

elderly-manNEW YORK – CBS is ending the legendary 72-year run of the granddaddy of all soap operas, “Guiding Light,” which began as a 15-minute serial on NBC Radio on Jan. 25, 1937.  The show fell victim to changing viewer habits.

102-year-old Samuel Blatchford, who has starred as leading man Ellis Smith in every episode of the show on both radio and televison, blames “the hippies and the draft dodgers” for the show’s demise. 

Faced with extinction last year, the show’s plotlines were revamped to attract younger viewers.  The producers had Blatchford’s character take up with a college crowd – ”we were a bunch of hot studs on the prowl for hook-ups,” he explained — but after an initial ratings bump, viewership plummetted. Insiders blamed Blatchford.  First, he objected to playing every scene shirtless “because of the pacemaker.”  Then he abruptly forced writers to scuttle a plotline where his character was to be accused of date-rape by a fellow-student because he feared “they’d make me show my wee-wee.”

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Apr 2

New GOP Documentary Hailed By Critics, Audiences Alike

fj2

Mar 20

Controversial “Idol” Contestant Disqualified

joannaidolFOX officials cite Joanna Pacitti’s unpaid royalties taxes, opposition to Simon Cowell’s stimulus plan

Feb 13

Slumdog Millionaire Sequel Coming Soon

slumrushweb

Feb 4

Springsteen Dedicates Super Bowl Half-Time Performance to Woody Guthrie, Ricardo Montalban

bruce-springsteen-1TAMPA – Bruce Springsteen held his own Super Bowl press conference yesterday and told reporters he was dedicating his half-time performance to the memories of Woody Guthrie and Ricardo Montalban.

“The NFL has asked me to play songs that are not only unfamiliar to the average viewer, but that contain lyrical content many people could find offensive. I said I’d be happy to oblige.”

Mr. Springsteen added that he was excited about performing at what has become the closest thing America has to a national party. “In this venue, with this crowd, I want to sing something that is going to bring up the people and bring up the mood. That’s why I’ll be playing the music of everybody’s favorite dust-bowl minstrel, Woody Guthrie.”

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Jan 30

Howard Stern Hires New “Stuttering John”

johnhoward

Jan 22

McDonalds, Lionsgate Films Under Fire for “My Bloody Valentine” Happy Meals Promotional Tie-In

valentineHOLLYWOOD - The decision of McDonalds Corporation and Lionsgate films to offer a “My Bloody Valentine” Happy Meal promotional tie-in is drawing severe criticism from concerned parents and educators across the country.

Protests by child advocacy groups are being held in major American cities this weekend. The film, which opens in wide release  Friday, tells the story of a man who returns to his hometown on the tenth anniversary of a Valentines Day massacre that left twenty-two people dead.

“We were under the impression this picture was about a rat who realizes his life-long dream to become a chef,” said McDonalds President Paul Maloney. “Somebody in our marketing department screwed up. Believe me, heads are going to roll over this,” he added, before excusing himself. “In light of the gruesome acts depicted in this film, perhaps that was a poor choice of words.”

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Jan 15

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