Thus far, the statement seeking common ground reads: “Whites are supreme; no they aren’t.”
LOUISVILLE – Over four decades after he shook up the world by converting to Islam, sixty-eight year old former heavyweight champion Muhammad Ali announced yesterday that he is changing religions – and names – once again. This time, he’s embracing Judaism.
”When you’re as great as I am, you need a faith that is just as great,” he told members of the Beth Israel Synagogue. “From this day forward, Allah and I are through. I am now a believer in the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. And, I’d like to be called Irving Greenbaum. Shalom.” Then, in a shocking turn of events, Mr. Greenbaum told the congregation he had accepted his draft notice from the Israeli Army.
“I didn’t have no quarrel with them Viet Cong, but me and them Palestinians are gonna get it on,” he shouted. “If you were surprised when Nixon resigned, wait until I whup Ahmadinejad’s behind!”
Mr. Greenbaum said he looked forward to fulfilling his two year military committment, and to spending the remainder of his life behind the counter of the kosher delicatessen he plans to open when he returns.
King Features Syndicate Reveals New “Mary Worth” Strip in Which Mary Has Coffee With the Prophet Mohammed
Beloved “Little Rascals” star shipped to Gitmo for waterboarding, sweat lodge ceremony
GOP Leaders Call for James Cameron to Step Down as King of the World, Say “Unfair Double Standard” Allowed Director to Create Na’vi Dialect
In three weeks, the pea-brained, estrogen-poisoned teenage girls of America will be flocking to see the next abomination in the “Twilight Saga,” which they’ve deluded themselves into thinking are vampire flicks.
The “Twilight” films are not vampire flicks.
I cannot write what “Twilight” really is because this is a family news outlet, but suffice it to say that “Twilight” was the worst motion picture ever produced. The video from an ATM surveillance camera is better than this drek. “Twilight” was an open sewer, a damnable pit of putrefaction, an atrocity, a slimy gathering of all that is rotten and putrid in the debris of human depravity.
The 4,000 Jews Who Failed to Show Up For Work at the World Trade Center on September 11th are Spotted Celebrating the 40th Anniversary of Woodstock
“I intend to take our ’Blame America First’ program where no man has gone before.”
WASHINGTON – The United States Supreme Court issued its long-awaited opinion on the new Star Trekmovie yesterday. The verdict: Totally Bitchin.
The decision was released following a special matinee showing of the blockbuster hit at a downtown multiplex attended by all nine justices.
Writing for the majority, Chief Justice John Roberts called the film “totally bitchin,” and ”one of the coolest pictures he’s seen in a long time.”
Music World Scandal: Homely Singing Phenom Susan Boyle Lip-Syncs to Voice of “Little Ugly Girl” From Beijing Olympics
NEW YORK – CBS is ending the legendary 72-year run of the granddaddy of all soap operas, “Guiding Light,” which began as a 15-minute serial on NBC Radio on Jan. 25, 1937. The show fell victim to changing viewer habits.
102-year-old Samuel Blatchford, who has starred as leading man Ellis Smith in every episode of the show on both radio and televison, blames “the hippies and the draft dodgers” for the show’s demise.
Faced with extinction last year, the show’s plotlines were revamped to attract younger viewers. The producers had Blatchford’s character take up with a college crowd – ”we were a bunch of hot studs on the prowl for hook-ups,” he explained — but after an initial ratings bump, viewership plummetted. Insiders blamed Blatchford. First, he objected to playing every scene shirtless “because of the pacemaker.” Then he abruptly forced writers to scuttle a plotline where his character was to be accused of date-rape by a fellow-student because he feared “they’d make me show my wee-wee.”