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- Obama Admits He’s Pals With William Ayers, Vows to Have Ex-Terrorist Serve America by Bombing Wall Street
- Hecklers Call For Palin to Iron Their Shirts - And She Does It
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- Underdog Scientists Win Nobel Prize for Chemistry, Winners Celebrate With Champagne Baths, Victory Cigars
- CAMPAIGN TRAIL SHOCKER: Obama Announces He’s Dropping Out of Race, Going on Tour With Ann Wilson
- McCain Caught on Video Using Hate Speech to Select a Donut
- AIG Execs Defend Swanky Junket, Say No Bailout Money Used to Pay For Event
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Reports From the Trail
Duo’s new rock band will be called “Change of Heart”
Neurologists call frenetic speed, rhythm of candidates’ delivery “greatest televised threat” to public health since Wang Chung’s “Everybody Have Fun Tonight” video
Mickey Mouse to be named “honorary Jew,” circumcised in grand opening extravaganza; “Jihad Cruise” and “Hall of Infidels” will be first rides to open
NEW YORK, NY - Move over, Simon Cowell. ”American Idol” is adding another caustic critic to its panel of judges.
Crusading jurist and bon vivant Judge Rufus Peckham will sit alongside Cowell, Paula Abdul, and Randy Jackson when the eighth season of “American Idol” premieres in January, the Fox network said Monday.
“For the past seven seasons, Simon has had to endure the experience of being the only heartless bastard at the judges’ table,” said Mike Darnell, President of Fox Alternative Programming, in a prepared statement. ”With Judge Peckham by his side, Simon has some backup, and now there is going to be a lot more cruelty and gleeful misanthropy on the show. We imagine the contestants will be in tears every week.”
Judge Peckham, fake news magnate and Founder Emeritus of this web site, will come out of retirement and back from the grave to join the top-rated reality competition show. ”They made me an offer I couldn’t refuse,” Peckham said through his publicist. ”And besides, a guy with a Messiah complex as great as mine couldn’t stay dead forever.”
GOTHAM CITY, IL - Presumptive Democratic nominee Barack Obama opted for a “sure thing,” political insiders say, when he announced the popular film star and blockbuster action hero Batman as his running mate.
“With The Dark Knight’s true identity shrouded in secrecy, my political philosophy grounded in myth, and my hubris the stuff of Greek tragedy, this is a ticket of graphic novel proportions,” Obama told a cheering Gotham crowd.
Obama also considered former Gotham City District Attorney Harvey Dent as his running mate, but his Vice Presidential Vetting team convinced him that adding another Two-Face would not provide sufficient balance for the ticket.
Asked to comment on Senator Obama’s choice, presumptive Republican nominee John McCain replied, “Batman and the Joker, together again.”
Special Olympics Chairman Timothy Shriver calls film’s depiction of people with intellectual disabilities “malicious, offensive, and totally retarded”
“That’s one black person we won’t have to worry about renouncing someday,” said Obama campaign manager David Plouffe.
Latest installment of popular video game hits stores next Tuesday; Green Bay Packers offer to pay gamers $20 to stay home and not play it
WASHINGTON, D.C. - John McCain released a withering television ad yesterday that compared Barack Obama to pop singer Britney Spears.
The ad, set to run in eleven battleground states, intercuts images of Obama and Ms. Spears, known as much for her erratic off-stage behavior as her singing.
“He’s the biggest celebrity in the world, but is he ready to lead?” the voiceover asks. “And if he’s elected, will Kevin Federline get custody of America?” Federline is the former husband of Britney Spears who was awarded sole custody of the couple’s children.
Magazine’s editor relents, apologizes, promises to change
NEW YORK, NY - In a surprising reversal, the editor of The New Yorker admitted today he made a “serious error in judgment” by running this week’s controversial cover illustration of Senator Barack Obama and his wife dressed as Islamic terrorists.
Editor-in-Chief David Remnick issued a statement saying that he and his staff have “learned much” from the experience, and that they promise “never to make the same mistake again.”
“We apologize to Senator Obama, to his wife Michelle, and to his supporters for our reckless, tasteless, and offensive cover art,” Remnick wrote. ”After consulting with the editors of many of our peer publications, as well as with members of Senator Obama’s staff, we now see the error of our ways. From now on, our cover illustrations will afford Senator Obama the same reverence and appreciation he receives from every other magazine in America.”
Remnick added that he hopes this week’s cover, which he called “a new testament to our good faith,” will “set the record straight” and “show America the real Barack Obama.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Jonathan Klein, president of CNN, says he has a plan “to regain ground” his network lost to NBC and FOX, which enjoyed ratings surges following the deaths of respected newsmen Tim Russert and Tony Snow.
An internal memo from Klein to high ranking CNN executives calls for the network to withhold iconic talk show host Larry King’s medication in an attempt “to create a martyr that ‘The Most Trusted Name in News’ can call its own.”
“What CNN needs is our own beloved deceased network icon,” the memo explained. “No on-air personality at CNN is more beloved, nor closer to death anyway, than Larry King.”
Couple from Darfur adopts newborns
NBC, CBS, ABC to celebrate George Carlin’s legacy with special episodes of “Law and F*#@ing Order,” “How I Met Your Motherf*#@er,” and “Shit! I’m Lost!”
“I’m not making this up,” Lee said. ”I know history. And I know that black men have shot lots of people.”
VATICAN CITY - Following the Vatican’s statement approving belief in extra-terrestrial life, Pope Benedict XVI said that Mr. Spock, beloved science officer of the Starship USS Enterprise, will be canonized a saint.
Spock qualifies for sainthood due to his martyred death at the conclusion of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, and for performing miracles such as the Vulcan neck pinch, the Vulcan mind meld, and the ability to play convincing scenes with William Shatner.
Spock called the honor “fascinating, but highly illogical.”
A Vatican source revealed that Ben (“Obi-Wan”) Kenobi’s quest for canonization has stalled pending investigation into the lie he told Luke Skywalker about his father’s death.
Fan stops McMahon to ask, “What happened to your famous non-stop laughter?” McMahon punches him in mouth
In final scene, Carrie dons apron and pearls, serves dinner to Ward, Wally, and Beaver
Illinois Senator calls David Archuleta the “perfect choice” to join him on a platform of “change, hope, and phony earnestness”
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