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Coming Tuesday, November 25th
“See? Now do you believe me? If you had selected me as the nominee, we’d be sending a Democrat to the White House tonight. Maybe next time, you’ll listen.”
KKK, Black Panthers lay down their arms, hug in the streets
PHOENIX - John McCain addressed a large crowd in Phoenix last night after it became clear he would not be the next president and said, “We have nothing to fear except creeping senility.”
Noah Swayne, M.D., John McCain’s personal physician, candidly told a reporter that McCain’s words about senility applied to McCain himself. It was “a blessing” that McCain lost the presidential election because, “in clinical terms, John McCain is a nutcase,” Dr. Swayne explained.
Dr. Swayne said that McCain is convinced he won yesterday’s presidential election despite being told repeatedly that he lost. “I shook him by the shoulders and shouted, ‘Senator, you lost,’ at least thirty times, but all he could do was give me that blank stare.”
Insiders say that Tuesday ”wasn’t one of [McCain's] ‘good’ days.” It started with McCain going to the polls early in the morning to vote. When the curtain closed on the voting booth, McCain started screaming, “We’re all out of soap! We’re all out of soap!” When the curtain opened, McCain was wearing nothing but a bathrobe and a shower cap. He later admitted to his wife that he “forgot to vote” because he was so busy washing his hair.
“Thank goodness the Bush administration was such a disaster and that we had that financial meltdown,” Dr. Swayne confided, “or we might be stuck with this lunatic as president.”
Mildred Bitterman of Butler County, Pennsylvania, realizes she “accidentally voted for the Negro”
Carbolic Smoke Ball apologizes to its readers for the erroneous headline we printed late yesterday that proclaimed former New York Governor Thomas Dewey the winner over Illinois Senator Barack Obama in the presidential election. We do not now how this occurred, given that the election does not occur until today, and that Gov. Dewey has been dead for 37 years.
When we make an error of this magnitude, we usually laugh about it, then high-five the reporter and editor who blew it. And that’s just what we’ve done.
Sen. Obama took glee in highlighting our blunder, and we don’t blame him. We figure we had it coming.
While the error was an understandable one that any newspaper could make, we nevertheless pledge to work harder to “get it right” from now on.
“After all, we know how the deceased would have voted — nobody wants ‘change’ more than they do.”
CHICAGO - Barack Obama’s daughters, Malia Ann and Natasha, issued a written statement distancing themselves from their pet St. Bernard, Cujo, who is tied to several murders and acts of mayhem committed prior to being purchased by the Obamas. Cujo’s misdeeds were so heinous that they were chronicled in a book written by Stephen King.
“Almost six years ago, or 40 years ago in dog years, Cujo did some despicable acts with which we had no involvement,” the statement said. “Cujo has no official role in the Obama family aside from an occasional game of ‘fetch’ and ’roll over, boy.’ It is unfair to judge us by our association with Cujo.”
We’ve already shown that Barack Obama’s ties to domestic terrorists run far deeper than he admits. Now, in the fourth and final part of our Carbolic Smoke Ball Investigative Report, we detail the most shocking truth yet: that Sen. Obama was the youngest and deadliest member of the Weather Underground.
WASHINGTON, DC - Long before he befriended atomic spies Ethel and Julius Rosenberg, chanted “death to Kennedy” at Dallas movie theaters with his best buddy Lee Harvey Oswald, or went fertilizer shopping with his protege Timothy McVeigh, Barack Obama was an eight-year-old errand boy who planted bombs for Williams Ayers’ subversive Weather Underground in the late 1960s.
Ayers chuckles every time he hears Obama say that he was only eight-years-old when Ayers did some despicable things. “What he forgets to mention is that he was right there with me.” Ayers calls Obama “the best ‘planter’ in the entire outfit. I couldn’t have done it without him.”
Wily beyond his years, Obama could always manage to get his little blue tricycle past any guard in any government building. “He’d look at them with those big innocent eyes and ask them if they wanted to hear him sing a negro spiritual. Sometimes he’d do a little tap dance for them, you know, pretending he was a miniature Sammy Davis, Jr. They’d all smile and say, ‘Ahh, what a cute little black kid’ and just let him pass. Nobody ever seemed to notice the dynamite strapped to his handlebars.”
WASHINGTON - Gary Trudeau, who draws the long-running political comic strip “Doonesbury,” has already drawn enough strips to run through December 2012. Starting with the strips scheduled to run next week, Trudeau presumes not only that Barack Obama will win tomorrow’s election, but that he will be reelected for a second term in 2012.
“I’m about 1,500 strips ahead,” explained Trudeau. “Each of those strips are premised on Obama winning two terms in the White House. I just hope I’m right about that, or else I’m going to have to go and redo all 1,500 strips.
“Not that it’ll be difficult to do them over. It’s fairly easy to write a satirical strip when you don’t have to worry about, you know, actually being funny.”
NEW YORK - Obama campaign staffers are privately worried about the reliability of polls showing Barack Obama with a commanding lead over John McCain, because of the so-called Milton Bradley Effect.
The Milton Bradly Effect, named after the American game company, refers to the tendency of some voters to lie in polls conducted during an economic downturn by saying they intend to vote for either a Democratic or Republican candidate while actually intending to vote for Monopoly board game mascot Uncle Pennybags.
“McCain doesn’t worry us; [Uncle] Pennybags does,” said an Obama aide who asked not to be idenitified. ”People think he’s got all the answers about money matters, but a vote for Pennybags is a vote for four more years of the failed Bush policies and out of control spending to build hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place.”
Mr. Pennybags, contacted for this story, attacked Obama for his ties to William Ayers, whose Weathermen movement was responsible for bombings in the 1960s of the Community Chest, Marvin Gardens, and the Free Parking space. “With Obama in the White House,” Mr. Pennybags explained, “he’ll double the amount owed on the Income Tax space, which is just past Baltic Avenue.”
Barack Obama’s ties to domestic terrorists run far deeper, and are far more disturbing, than he’s been willing to admit. We uncover the shocking truth about how much the Democratic nominee for president hates the government he wants to lead and the country he hopes to change.
Third in a Four-Part Carbolic Smoke Ball Investigative Report.
WASHINGTON, DC - Long before he ever went fertilizer shopping with Timothy McVeigh, Barack Obama befriended two other subversive, disaffected conspiracists who would soon become America’s first couple of domestic terror and espionage.
Obama met Julius and Ethel Rosenberg in July of 1943 at a dinner party to honor Rashid “Wiz” Khalifa, the controversial Palestinian scholar and hip-hop artist whose breakthrough single, “Start Snitchin’,” was the first big hit for PLO Records. At the party, hosted by NKVD Record Mogul Alexandre Feklisov, Obama and the Rosenbergs formed an uneatable Charades team, trouncing every team that dared to challenge them throughout the night. “We were unstoppable,” Obama wrote in his best-selling book, Sounds Like…Memoir. “We got each other’s clues right away, and answers would pass between us as if we could keep no secrets. I knew then that we would be two words, one syllable each: good friends.”
After that fateful night, Obama and the Rosenbergs made regular appearances at dinner parties and fundraisers and later at The Russian Tea Room in New York City, taking on all challengers and never once losing a game. The trio’s finest moment came in a 1944 exhibition match, when they defeated the reigning National Charades Champions, a team consisting of Roy Cohn, Joe McCarthy, and Judge Irving Kaufman. “I had a feeling they might hold a grudge,” Obama wrote in one of his memoirs.
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