GOP Leaders Call for James Cameron to Step Down as King of the World, Say “Unfair Double Standard” Allowed Director to Create Na’vi Dialect

james-cameron“Trent Lott never would have been able to get away with that,” said party chairman Michael Steele

Jan 13

Sen. Harry Reid Apologizes to Amos ‘n’ Andy For Obama Remarks

a&a2WASHINGTON – Senate majority leader Harry M. Reid has apologized to Amos ‘n’ Andy, the lead characters in a racially offensive radio situation comedy that has been off the air for 50 years, for remarks he made during the 2008 presidential campaign about Barack Obama.

In the remarks in question, Reid said that Obama was “a light-skinned African American with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one.”

Reid explained this morning that he would have apologized to Rev. Jesse Jackson, except “I can’t understand his dialect.”

Jan 9

No Matter What Rep. Steny Hoyer Whispered, Speaker Pelosi Was Determined To Change It “To Something Funny” When She Whipered It To The Next Person

APTOPIX Health Care Overhaul

Nov 4

White House Taps Ex-VP Spiro Agnew To Be Obama’s Son of a Bitch

Spiro_AgnewWASHINGTON – The White House announced that Spiro Agnew, Vice President under Richard Nixon from 1969 to 1973, is coming out of retirement to serve as the administration’s Enemies List Czar due to his reputation for hurling stinging invective at political opponents, often using alliterative epithets.  Agnew’s official title will be Archivist of Executive Branch Adversaries. 

“I am pleased to announce that Former Vice President Spiro Agnew has agreed to serve as my son of a bitch,” President Obama said in a prepared statement last night.  The President’s comments made clear that Agnew was being brought on board primarily due to the administration’s dissatisfaction with FOX News.

“Despite the uncritical favor I’ve been shown by almost all the major news organizations, FOX News’ fair and balanced treatment of my administration continues to stick in my craw,” the President explained. ”I am, therefore, directing Vice President Agnew to come up with scathing alliterations to be used against that news channel.”

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Oct 26

Nobel Prize Stunner!

levi-johnston-sarah-palin-quitSpecial report by Gaylord “Gay” Mann, Carbolic Smoke Ball homosexual correspondent- Audible gasps, then applause, erupted after Thorbjorn Jagland, chair of the Nobel Committee, announced that  Levi Johnston, the hunky, 19-year-old ex-paramour of Sarah Palin’s teenage daughter, Bristol, is the winner of this year’s Nobel Prize for Opmerkelijke Bijdragen in het Ontsporen van Politieke Ambities van een Rechtse Nutjob, or, “Outstanding Contributions in Derailing Political Ambitions of a Right Wing Nutjob,” a new Nobel category this year.  Bristol Palin finished a strong second.

The scales tipped in Mr. Johnston’s favor after it was revealed that the gorgeous dreamboat is planning to pose for Playgirl Magazine.  Pant, pant, pant!  It would be difficult to think of anything that could embarrass the Palin banshee more than to have the tallywacker of her grandchild’s father splashed all over the Internet.  That is, other than to have that same tallywacker where it was last year at this time, which led to said grandchild.

Mr. Johnston said he was humbled by the award, but added he wasn’t sure what the word “humbled” meant.

Oct 20

Senate Votes to Extend Jobless Benefits, Penises

penile enhancementWASHINGTON – The Senate approved a bill extending unemployment benefits for 13-weeks, and penises up to three inches.

The penis rider to the legislation was the brainchild of the late Senator Edward Kennedy, who lobbied for its passage by telephoning Senators who were on the fence up to the day he died. In his honor, the legislation is referred to as “Teddy’s Penis Rider.” 

The legislation allows for penile enhancement surgery for men who are not well endowed, defined by the bill as five inches or less when fully erect.

The Senate vote was split along gender lines, with all the men favoring it, and all the women opposing it.

Sep 24

Obama Sidelined With Translucent Skin Attributed To Overexposure

OBAMAexpsedaaa

WASHINGTON – President Obama cancelled his appearance in Pittsburgh Tuesday to address the AFL-CIO convention after White House physcians say his skin started to glow with a bright light of unknown origin that shines from his every pore. 

Members of the White House staff reportedly were forced to wear sunglasses when speaking with Mr. Obama on Monday, and Mrs. Obama told a Washington insider that the dazzling light kept her awake all night Monday.  “His skin was white as snow,” she said. 

Physicians said the condition is due to overexposure.  “We warned the President this would happen to him if he insisted on being on television every time you turn it on,” said Obama’s physician Dr. Noah Swayne.  

Former Chairman of the Democratic National Committee and physican Howard Dean rejected the overexposure diagnosis and said Obama is experiencing a transfiguration akin to the one Jesus experienced, according to the New Testament.

Sep 15

Following Rep. Joe Wilson’s Apology to Obama and Not to Him, Jesse Jackson Admits: “I’m No Longer Head Black”

Sep 14

Kanye West Crashes Hillary Clinton Speech

KanyeHillaryAngry rapper grabs mic, insists Beyonce should have been named Secretary of State

Sep 13

GOP Rebuttal to Obama Speech: Rep. Joe Wilson Shouting “You Lie” At Camera For Forty Minutes

art_joe_wilson_heckling_gi

Sep 10

Van Jones Releases Evidence Damning Bush Administration

Copy of Bushknoll-2

Sep 8

Democrats Deny Politicizing Kennedy’s Death By Toting His Corpse to Meetings Promoting Health Care Plan

TeddyWASHINGTON – House Speaker Nancy Pelosi defended taking the corpse of the late Senator Ted Kennedy to a meeting with AARP members to promote President Obama’s health care reform yesterday.

“The old people – they just loved seeing Senator Kennedy,” Pelosi said.  She noted that the meeting was cut short after a few minutes ”because the stench got to be too much for them.  You know how persnickety the elderly can be.”

Earlier, Vice President Biden landed himself in hot water over the Kennedy corpse because of an insensitive remark he made to a reporter.  Biden was asked if he thought it was inappropriate to tote Senator Kennedy’s body to meetings with constituents, and he quipped, “What do you care?  He’s not driving.”  Biden later called Senator Kennedy’s widow, Vicki, to apologize, but repeatedly called her “Ethel.”

Next week, Biden plans to take Michael Jackson’s corpse to the White House to “perform” for the Obama children.

Sep 2

Carbolic Exclusive Photo: President Obama Convenes First Health Care “Death Panel”

rumsfeld_bush_cheney

Aug 12

Palin Says She’s Looking Forward to Spending More Time “On Todd’s Big Dog Sled”

Palin ResignationFormer Alaskan Governor offers one of her trademark winks, adds, “If you know what I mean”

Jul 28

Yukon Cornelius Succeeds Palin

YukonJUNEAU – Beloved Rankin/Bass Claymation character Yukon Cornelius capped an unlikely political comeback to succeed Sarah Palin as Governor of Alaska yesterday.

Mr. Cornelius’ political career was nearly scuttled three years ago when an abominable snowman accused him of soliciting sex in an airport men’s room.  In a tearful televised address, Mr. Cornelius vehemently denied the allegation, and the people of Alaska overwhelmingly backed him.  

Last year, Mr. Cornelius announced that he was gay and was involved in a relationship with two different men, Congressman Barney Frank, D-Mass., and Hermey the Misfit Elf.  Mr. Hermey subsequently was convicted of practicing dentistry without a license.  

Mr. Cornelius is the first Claymation character to serve as Governor of a state outside of California.

Jul 27

Presidents Clear Up Photo Controversy

ObamaAssObama: “I was not looking at that girl’s ass.”
Sarkozy: “I was looking at Obama’s ass.”

Jul 13

Palin Reveals Reason for Resigning: Will Replace Billy Mays as OxiClean Spokesperson

sarah-palin-2-080308

Jul 7

Palin Resigns to Spend More Time With Grandchildren Fathered By A-Rod

sarah-palin-2-080308WASILLA, Alaska – Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin announced she is resigning from office at the end of the month in order to spend more time with her yet-to-be-born grandchildren fathered by Yankees star Alex Rodriguez. 

Palin read the bombshell announcement from her Wasilla home:  “Earlier this year, one of my daughters — I will not say which one — was knocked up by Mr. Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees while she and I attended a baseball game at Yankee Stadium.  Their union became a national cause célèbre when television comedian David Letterman made a tasteless, and for my money, worse – unfunny, joke about it, which caused much pain to my family. 

“In fact, my daughter’s union with Mr. Rodriguez was a beautiful thing.  Incidentally, my daughter assures me that Mr. Rodriguez should be called  ’A plus rod,’ if you get my meaning.  While I can’t personally vouch for the latter assertion since I’ve never seen Mr. Rodriguez’s tallywacker, I have never doubted my daughter when it comes to men.”

Jul 6

South Carolina Voter: “Mark Sanford Must Regain My Trust Slowly, With Lunch Dates and Hand Holding”

BOB pink hat-1COLUMBIA, S.C. – South Carolina voters are divided as to whether Governor Mark Sanford should resign following the revelation of his extra-marital affair with a woman from Argentina.  South Carolina voter Noah Swayne of Columbia is typical. 

“Like Mrs. Sanford, I might be willing to forgive him, but neither Jenny [Sanford] nor I are going to make it easy for him,” Swayne said.  “He doesn’t just say ‘I’m sorry,’ and make everything right.  It’s going to happen at my pace if it happens at all.” 

Swayne explained that Sanford would need to “start slowly,” with lunch dates and hand holding.  “We need to get to know each other again.  I’m not going to be automatically available every time he calls, and if I do decide to go to dinner with him, chances are remote that that I’ll be inviting him up to my place afterwards any time soon. 

“True reconciliation will take time and won’t be easy.”

Jul 6

Sen. Ensign Deflects Criticism of Extramarital Affair By Declaring That A-Rod Knocked Up Palin’s Daughter

ensignLAS VEGAS – Sen. John Ensign (R-Nev.) deftly diverted criticism about his extramarital affair with a campaign staffer by issuing a joking statement that Sarah Palin’s daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez during the seventh inning stretch of a Yankees game. 

Governor Palin immediately branded the joke, which mirrored one told by David Letterman last week, “sexually perverted.”  The comment evoked outrage by conservatives and feminists, but it had its intended effect because neither group focused on Ensign’s marital infidelity.

On Tuesday afternoon, a somber looking Ensign conducted a press conference with his wife, Darlene, at his side in a packed conference room in the Lloyd D. George Federal building in Las Vegas.  

“I told a joke that was beyond flawed,” Ensign said matter-of-factly.  “I feel that I need to do the right thing here and apologize for having told that joke. So I would like to apologize, especially to the two daughters involved, Bristol and Willow, and also the governor and her family and everybody else who was outraged by the joke. I’m sorry about it, and I’ll try to do better in the future.”

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Jun 17

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