The so-called “is it hot enough for ya?” bill was approved by overwhelming assent in both chambers.  President Obama signed the bill late yesterday.

 During the signing ceremony in the Rose Garden, he was flanked by Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Attorney General Eric Holder who sought to keep the Commander in Chief cool by fanning him with giant palm fronds.  It is believed to be the first time in the nations history that the President signed a bill into law wearing only his boxer shorts and a sleeveless undershirt.

“I am pleased to announce that with this new law, the American people residing along the Atlantic seaboard who are enduring unbearable suffering and inconvenience with these record-breaking temperatures will no longer have to endure the insipid, banal drivel used by the conversationally-challenged,” said the President.  “From now on, if you ask somebody is it hot enough for you, you’re going to jail.”

When a reporter asked Mr. Obama about potential challenges by the ACLU and other civil liberties groups concerning the legislation’s impact on traditional first amendment freedoms, the President was quick to respond.  “You know what? The ACLU can go s— in their hat.  It’s too damn hot!”

Senator Jeff Sessions (R-Alabama), normally a tough inquisitor, was effusive with his praise. “Little lady, if you are as good with case law as you are with a rolling pin, I predict smooth sailing through this Committee.”  The Senator then delivered a ten minute tribute to the delicious, melt-in-your mouth quality of Ms. Kagan’s treats, which he entered into the Congressional Record.

Ms. Kagan attended yesterday’s hearings wearing a broad smile and a flour-covered apron.  She told the Senators she had spent the preceding eight hours in her kitchen hunched over a mixing bowl and a Black’s Law dictionary. 

Senator Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont), Chairman of the Committee, distributed the cookies to his colleagues in order of seniority.

The only discordant note of the morning was provided by Senator Orin Hatch (R-Utah) when he  asked a series of probing questions concerning the amount of butter Ms. Kagan uses in her chocolate chip recipe, but each time the nominee deftly avoided any revealing  answers.  ”I don’t think its appropriate to speculate on issues I may be forced to confront when baking again,” she said.

When President Obama heard about Ms. Kagan’s gesture, he gave a knowing smile and nodded.  “This is exactly the kind of real-life experience the American people deserve from a nominee to the highest court in the land,” he added.  “I wouldn’t be surprised if she brought a couple of pies tomorrow.”

“Title 13 of the United States Code requires your response,” Bauer said, in a hoarse whisper.  “By being counted, you insure that your community receives adequate political representation and government funding,” his voice rising.  “It only takes ten minutes to fill out.  TEN MINUTES!  DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY KNEECAPS I CAN BREAK IN TEN MINUTES?” he shouted.

Mr Bauer is expected to work in twenty-four hour shifts for an unspecified amount of time on a project that has been classified as more vital than locating a stolen nuclear device.  ”We can’t move forward until we get these answers,” said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs.  ”And no one gets answers like Jack Bauer.”

Mr. Gibbs said that Mr. Bauer is authorized to use “any means necessary” to identify the number of people living in any household, as well as their ethnicity.  He advised those Americans who have not returned their completed Census Form to do so immediately.  ”Otherwise, there is a likelihood you will be  folded, spindled, or if Mr. Bauer is having an exceptionally bad day, mutilated.”

Calls to Mr. Bauer seeking comment were not returned. A message on his answering machine said the Census Bureau’s newest employee was “shopping for piano wire, c4 explosives, and a machete in anticipation of an exciting new career opportunity.”

CONGRESSMAN: Tom, what do I do now?

TOM HAGEN: I know you were always interested in history.  Take the Roman Empire, for example.  When a plot against the Emperor failed, the plotters were always given a chance to let their families keep their fortunes.

CONGRESSMAN: They went home and sat in a hot bath and opened their veins, and bled to death. Sometimes they gave a little party before they did it.

TOM HAGEN: (Shakes his hand) Don’t worry about anything.

CONGRESSMAN: (Gives a knowing nod) Thanks, Tom.

OBAMA:  I hoped that we would come here and reason together. And as a reasonable man I’m willing to do whatever’s necessary to find a peaceful solution to these problems. After all, when did I ever refuse an accommodation? All of you know me here. When did I ever refuse — except one time?  And why?  Because I believe this drug business is going to destroy us in the years to come. But I have selfish reasons. My youngest son was forced to leave this country, because of this Sollozzo business. And I have to make arrangements to bring him back here safely, cleared of all these false charges. But I’m a superstitious man and if some unlucky accident should befall him, if he should get shot in the head by a police officer or if he should hang himself in his jail cell or if he’s struck by a bolt of lightning, then I’m going to blame some of the people in this room. And that, I do not forgive. But, that aside, let me say that I swear on the souls of my grandchildren that I will not be the one to break the peace that we have made here today.