Obama Says Goodbye To Martha’s Vineyard, Captain Quint Tells Him To Stay The Course

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Aug 28

KKK, NAACP Hammer Out Consensus Statement on Race

kkkThus far, the statement seeking common ground reads: “Whites are supreme; no they aren’t.”

Jul 23

New Law Makes It A Crime To Ask ‘Is It Hot Enough For Ya?’

thermometerWASHINGTON – Congress passed emergency legislation yesterday making it a Federal offence for anyone residing east of the Mississippi river to inquire of anyone whether or not the temperature outside is agreeable.  The law will remain in effect for the duration of the oppressive heat wave.

The so-called “is it hot enough for ya?” bill was approved by overwhelming assent in both chambers.  President Obama signed the bill late yesterday.

 During the signing ceremony in the Rose Garden, he was flanked by Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Attorney General Eric Holder who sought to keep the Commander in Chief cool by fanning him with giant palm fronds.  It is believed to be the first time in the nations history that the President signed a bill into law wearing only his boxer shorts and a sleeveless undershirt.

“I am pleased to announce that with this new law, the American people residing along the Atlantic seaboard who are enduring unbearable suffering and inconvenience with these record-breaking temperatures will no longer have to endure the insipid, banal drivel used by the conversationally-challenged,” said the President.  “From now on, if you ask somebody is it hot enough for you, you’re going to jail.”

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Jul 8

Kagan Surprises Senate Judiciary Committee With Home Made Cookies

grandma with cookiesWASHINGTON - Elena Kagan, President Obama’s choice to replace retiring Justice John Paul Stevens on the United States Supreme Court, moved one step closer to confirmation yesterday when she surprised the Senate Judiciary Committee with two dozen freshly baked cookies.

Senator Jeff Sessions (R-Alabama), normally a tough inquisitor, was effusive with his praise. “Little lady, if you are as good with case law as you are with a rolling pin, I predict smooth sailing through this Committee.”  The Senator then delivered a ten minute tribute to the delicious, melt-in-your mouth quality of Ms. Kagan’s treats, which he entered into the Congressional Record.

Ms. Kagan attended yesterday’s hearings wearing a broad smile and a flour-covered apron.  She told the Senators she had spent the preceding eight hours in her kitchen hunched over a mixing bowl and a Black’s Law dictionary. 

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Jul 1

Jack Bauer Hired As Census Taker

jack-bauerWASHINGTON - Jack Bauer, the rogue government agent who plays by his own rules, has been given one final mission: obtain one hundred per cent compliance for the United States Census Bureau.

“Title 13 of the United States Code requires your response,” Bauer said, in a hoarse whisper.  “By being counted, you insure that your community receives adequate political representation and government funding,” his voice rising.  “It only takes ten minutes to fill out.  TEN MINUTES!  DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY KNEECAPS I CAN BREAK IN TEN MINUTES?” he shouted.

Mr Bauer is expected to work in twenty-four hour shifts for an unspecified amount of time on a project that has been classified as more vital than locating a stolen nuclear device.  ”We can’t move forward until we get these answers,” said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs.  ”And no one gets answers like Jack Bauer.”

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May 26

Democrats Who Voted For Health Reform Putting Affairs in Order

FrankieFINAL-a1WASHINGTON, D.C. – Democratic Congressional leaders admitted for the first time that they are ”extremely pessimistic” about the reelection prospects of most House members who voted in favor of health care reform last night.  The leaders have retained high-powered attorney Tom Hagen to advise pro-health care reform representatives about what they should do now, in light of their dismal political futures.  Carbolic Smoke Ball has obtained a transcript of one of those counseling sessions:

CONGRESSMAN: Tom, what do I do now?

TOM HAGEN: I know you were always interested in history.  Take the Roman Empire, for example.  When a plot against the Emperor failed, the plotters were always given a chance to let their families keep their fortunes.

CONGRESSMAN: They went home and sat in a hot bath and opened their veins, and bled to death. Sometimes they gave a little party before they did it.

TOM HAGEN: (Shakes his hand) Don’t worry about anything.

CONGRESSMAN: (Gives a knowing nod) Thanks, Tom.

Mar 22

Obama Announces New Strategy To Pass Health Care Reform: “Ramming speed, Nancy!”

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Mar 16

Transcript of Obama Health Care Summit

Obama Health Care Overhaul

OBAMA:  I hoped that we would come here and reason together. And as a reasonable man I’m willing to do whatever’s necessary to find a peaceful solution to these problems. After all, when did I ever refuse an accommodation? All of you know me here. When did I ever refuse — except one time?  And why?  Because I believe this drug business is going to destroy us in the years to come. But I have selfish reasons. My youngest son was forced to leave this country, because of this Sollozzo business. And I have to make arrangements to bring him back here safely, cleared of all these false charges. But I’m a superstitious man and if some unlucky accident should befall him, if he should get shot in the head by a police officer or if he should hang himself in his jail cell or if he’s struck by a bolt of lightning, then I’m going to blame some of the people in this room. And that, I do not forgive. But, that aside, let me say that I swear on the souls of my grandchildren that I will not be the one to break the peace that we have made here today.

Feb 26

Obama Unveils More Sophisticated Rival to Tea Party Movement: ‘The Long Island Iced Tea Party Movement’

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Feb 11

Close-Up Reveals Palin Wrote Note to Remind Her to Tell Joke

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Feb 10

Obama Puts on New Face to Salvage Presidency

Reagan Mask

Jan 28

Obama Fires Geithner on Way to Podium to Deliver State of the Union Address

YouARE FIRED TIM - Copy-1Ex-Treasury Secretary disrupts speech gathering his belongings on way out of chamber.

Jan 28

In Wake of Massachusetts Election, Health Reform Troubles, Sinking Approval Ratings, Former President Reaches Out to Obama: “You’re Doing a Heckuva Job, Blackie”

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Jan 27

Obama Calls On David Plouffe to Clean Up His Political Problems

MrWOLFTranscript of private meeting between President Obama, White House senior advisor David Axelrod, and former Obama campaign manager David Plouffe, who was brought back to jumpstart Obama’s presidency:

PLOUFFE:  . . . What you’re going to do immediately is ram health care down Congress’ throat, got it?

OBAMA:  A “please” would be nice.

PLOUFFE:  Come again?

OBAMA:  I said a “please” would be nice.

PLOUFFE:  Get it straight, Buster, I’m not here to say “Please.” I’m here to tell you what to do. And if self-preservation is an instinct you possess, you better f***ing do it, and do it quick. I’m here to help. If my help’s not appreciated, lots of luck, gentlemen. If I’m curt with you, it’s because time is a factor. I think fast, I talk fast, and I need you guys to act fast if you want to get out of this. So pretty please, with sugar on top, ram the f***ing health care through Congress.

Jan 26

GM Recalls 2005 Canyon Pick Ups, Scott Brown Stranded in Massachusetts

scottbrown1_385x185_674718aObama pleads ignorance: “Just because I’m in charge of General Motors doesn’t mean I necessarily knew about this recall.”

Jan 22

Scott Brown Auctions Off Daughters

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Jan 21

Obama Offers Condolences to Martha Coakley

obama-on-the-phone“Oh, well, I guess this health care thing wasn’t such a great idea after all.  Hey, um, Martha, do me a favor, would you?  Call the Kennedys and explain how sorry I am that we lost John and Teddy’s seat.”

Jan 20

Sen. Arlen Specter Comments on Scott Brown’s Victory

Specteroct16“All that talk about me switching to the Democratic party — I hope everyone knows that was just a joke.  I’m actually the 42nd vote to stop health care reform.”

Jan 20

Bush Joins Earthquake Relief Effort

BushIsBack“I was relieved that I wasn’t the guy in charge when this Haiti thing hit.  The last thing I’d want to be blamed for is another crisis in Louisiana.”

Jan 18

GOP Leaders Call for James Cameron to Step Down as King of the World, Say “Unfair Double Standard” Allowed Director to Create Na’vi Dialect

james-cameron“Trent Lott never would have been able to get away with that,” said party chairman Michael Steele

Jan 13

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