Democrats Who Voted For Health Reform Advised What To Do Now

FrankieFINAL-a1WASHINGTON, D.C. – Democratic Congressional leaders admitted for the first time that they are ”extremely pessimistic” about the reelection prospects of most House members who voted in favor of health care reform last night.  The leaders have retained high-powered attorney Tom Hagen to advise pro-health care reform representatives about what they should do now, in light of their dismal political futures.  Carbolic Smoke Ball has obtained a transcript of one of those counseling sessions:

CONGRESSMAN: Tom, what do I do now?

TOM HAGEN: I know you were always interested in history.  Take the Roman Empire, for example.  When a plot against the Emperor failed, the plotters were always given a chance to let their families keep their fortunes.

CONGRESSMAN: They went home and sat in a hot bath and opened their veins, and bled to death. Sometimes they gave a little party before they did it.

TOM HAGEN: (Shakes his hand) Don’t worry about anything.

CONGRESSMAN: (Gives a knowing nod) Thanks, Tom.

Mar 22

Obama Announces New Strategy To Pass Health Care Reform: “Ramming speed, Nancy!”

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Mar 16

Transcript of Obama Health Care Summit

Obama Health Care Overhaul

OBAMA:  I hoped that we would come here and reason together. And as a reasonable man I’m willing to do whatever’s necessary to find a peaceful solution to these problems. After all, when did I ever refuse an accommodation? All of you know me here. When did I ever refuse — except one time?  And why?  Because I believe this drug business is going to destroy us in the years to come. But I have selfish reasons. My youngest son was forced to leave this country, because of this Sollozzo business. And I have to make arrangements to bring him back here safely, cleared of all these false charges. But I’m a superstitious man and if some unlucky accident should befall him, if he should get shot in the head by a police officer or if he should hang himself in his jail cell or if he’s struck by a bolt of lightning, then I’m going to blame some of the people in this room. And that, I do not forgive. But, that aside, let me say that I swear on the souls of my grandchildren that I will not be the one to break the peace that we have made here today.

Feb 26

Obama Unveils More Sophisticated Rival to Tea Party Movement: ‘The Long Island Iced Tea Party Movement’

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Feb 11

Close-Up Reveals Palin Wrote Note to Remind Her to Tell Joke

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Feb 10

Obama Puts on New Face to Salvage Presidency

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Jan 28

Obama Fires Geithner on Way to Podium to Deliver State of the Union Address

YouARE FIRED TIM - Copy-1Ex-Treasury Secretary disrupts speech gathering his belongings on way out of chamber.

Jan 28

In Wake of Massachusetts Election, Health Reform Troubles, Sinking Approval Ratings, Former President Reaches Out to Obama: “You’re Doing a Heckuva Job, Blackie”

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Jan 27

Obama Calls On David Plouffe to Clean Up His Political Problems

MrWOLFTranscript of private meeting between President Obama, White House senior advisor David Axelrod, and former Obama campaign manager David Plouffe, who was brought back to jumpstart Obama’s presidency:

PLOUFFE:  . . . What you’re going to do immediately is ram health care down Congress’ throat, got it?

OBAMA:  A “please” would be nice.

PLOUFFE:  Come again?

OBAMA:  I said a “please” would be nice.

PLOUFFE:  Get it straight, Buster, I’m not here to say “Please.” I’m here to tell you what to do. And if self-preservation is an instinct you possess, you better f***ing do it, and do it quick. I’m here to help. If my help’s not appreciated, lots of luck, gentlemen. If I’m curt with you, it’s because time is a factor. I think fast, I talk fast, and I need you guys to act fast if you want to get out of this. So pretty please, with sugar on top, ram the f***ing health care through Congress.

Jan 26

GM Recalls 2005 Canyon Pick Ups, Scott Brown Stranded in Massachusetts

scottbrown1_385x185_674718aObama pleads ignorance: “Just because I’m in charge of General Motors doesn’t mean I necessarily knew about this recall.”

Jan 22

Scott Brown Auctions Off Daughters

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Jan 21

Obama Offers Condolences to Martha Coakley

obama-on-the-phone“Oh, well, I guess this health care thing wasn’t such a great idea after all.  Hey, um, Martha, do me a favor, would you?  Call the Kennedys and explain how sorry I am that we lost John and Teddy’s seat.”

Jan 20

Sen. Arlen Specter Comments on Scott Brown’s Victory

Specteroct16“All that talk about me switching to the Democratic party — I hope everyone knows that was just a joke.  I’m actually the 42nd vote to stop health care reform.”

Jan 20

Bush Joins Earthquake Relief Effort

BushIsBack“I was relieved that I wasn’t the guy in charge when this Haiti thing hit.  The last thing I’d want to be blamed for is another crisis in Louisiana.”

Jan 18

GOP Leaders Call for James Cameron to Step Down as King of the World, Say “Unfair Double Standard” Allowed Director to Create Na’vi Dialect

james-cameron“Trent Lott never would have been able to get away with that,” said party chairman Michael Steele

Jan 13

Sen. Harry Reid Apologizes to Amos ‘n’ Andy For Obama Remarks

a&a2WASHINGTON – Senate majority leader Harry M. Reid has apologized to Amos ‘n’ Andy, the lead characters in a racially offensive radio situation comedy that has been off the air for 50 years, for remarks he made during the 2008 presidential campaign about Barack Obama.

In the remarks in question, Reid said that Obama was “a light-skinned African American with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one.”

Reid explained this morning that he would have apologized to Rev. Jesse Jackson, except “I can’t understand his dialect.”

Jan 9

No Matter What Rep. Steny Hoyer Whispered, Speaker Pelosi Was Determined To Change It “To Something Funny” When She Whipered It To The Next Person

APTOPIX Health Care Overhaul

Nov 4

White House Taps Ex-VP Spiro Agnew To Be Obama’s Son of a Bitch

Spiro_AgnewWASHINGTON – The White House announced that Spiro Agnew, Vice President under Richard Nixon from 1969 to 1973, is coming out of retirement to serve as the administration’s Enemies List Czar due to his reputation for hurling stinging invective at political opponents, often using alliterative epithets.  Agnew’s official title will be Archivist of Executive Branch Adversaries. 

“I am pleased to announce that Former Vice President Spiro Agnew has agreed to serve as my son of a bitch,” President Obama said in a prepared statement last night.  The President’s comments made clear that Agnew was being brought on board primarily due to the administration’s dissatisfaction with FOX News.

“Despite the uncritical favor I’ve been shown by almost all the major news organizations, FOX News’ fair and balanced treatment of my administration continues to stick in my craw,” the President explained. ”I am, therefore, directing Vice President Agnew to come up with scathing alliterations to be used against that news channel.”

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Oct 26

Nobel Prize Stunner!

levi-johnston-sarah-palin-quitSpecial report by Gaylord “Gay” Mann, Carbolic Smoke Ball homosexual correspondent- Audible gasps, then applause, erupted after Thorbjorn Jagland, chair of the Nobel Committee, announced that  Levi Johnston, the hunky, 19-year-old ex-paramour of Sarah Palin’s teenage daughter, Bristol, is the winner of this year’s Nobel Prize for Opmerkelijke Bijdragen in het Ontsporen van Politieke Ambities van een Rechtse Nutjob, or, “Outstanding Contributions in Derailing Political Ambitions of a Right Wing Nutjob,” a new Nobel category this year.  Bristol Palin finished a strong second.

The scales tipped in Mr. Johnston’s favor after it was revealed that the gorgeous dreamboat is planning to pose for Playgirl Magazine.  Pant, pant, pant!  It would be difficult to think of anything that could embarrass the Palin banshee more than to have the tallywacker of her grandchild’s father splashed all over the Internet.  That is, other than to have that same tallywacker where it was last year at this time, which led to said grandchild.

Mr. Johnston said he was humbled by the award, but added he wasn’t sure what the word “humbled” meant.

Oct 20

Senate Votes to Extend Jobless Benefits, Penises

penile enhancementWASHINGTON – The Senate approved a bill extending unemployment benefits for 13-weeks, and penises up to three inches.

The penis rider to the legislation was the brainchild of the late Senator Edward Kennedy, who lobbied for its passage by telephoning Senators who were on the fence up to the day he died. In his honor, the legislation is referred to as “Teddy’s Penis Rider.” 

The legislation allows for penile enhancement surgery for men who are not well endowed, defined by the bill as five inches or less when fully erect.

The Senate vote was split along gender lines, with all the men favoring it, and all the women opposing it.

Sep 24

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