Entertainment experts say the rash of deaths of “celebrities” whose fame peaked decades ago is reaching epidemic proportions.

“Where are the Michael Jacksons?  The Anna Nicole Smiths?  The Heath Ledgers?” moaned entertainment critic Noah Swayne. 

“I’m sure that Fess Parker and Peter Graves and the others were very nice people,” said Mr. Swayne, “but if one more washed-up TV performer from the 50s or 60s dies and is treated as a true celebrity, it’s going to put me over the edge.”

Mr. Swayne revealed he has a “wish list” of major stars he hopes will die in 2010 “to bring things back into balance.”

“Gidget heard somebody yell ‘¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!’ and she just snapped,” said Taco Bell spokeswoman Rosacea Lugosi.  “She bared her teeth and lunged for Glen’s throat because she thought he was a taco.”

What is left of Mr. Bell will be folded into a hard U-shaped shell and buried tomorrow.

Physicians say Perry died Saturday of natural causes after a two-year battle with lung cancer, and because he knew too much.

Assassination experts say it is “more than a coincidence” that Dr. Perry, Lee Harvey Oswald, Jack Ruby and others connected with that fateful day have died in the 46 years since the assassination, in seemingly unrelated ways.  Prof. Noah Swayne said that the absence of any evidence to tie any of the deaths together “is one of the conspirators’ greatest tricks — in fact, it is strong evidence proving the conspiracy. ”  Dr. Perry’s death, Swayne explained, only underscores that “no one connected with the assassination is safe.  All of them will eventually die, one way or the other.”

Cronkite fled the Netherlands and came to New York during World War II, and for several years eked out a living hawking Italian Ice in Times Square.  He couldn’t speak English but parroted the words of people he saw on television.  One day, while Cronkite was waiting on one of his regular customers, CBS founder William S. Paley, he blurted out, “Larry! Shemp! Get me outa this pipe!” Cronkite delivered the line with such authority that  Paley knew instantly not only that Cronkite would be his network’s first anchorman, but also its most beloved cultural icon. Paley hired him on the spot.

Cronkite never bothered to learn English and read the news phonetically until the day he retired. He was able to deliver with passion his signature sign-off – “And that’s the way it is” – because Mr. Paley convinced him the words meant “I want to make love to all the beautiful women in your country.”

On November 22, 1963, when President John F. Kennedy was assassinated, Paley knew he needed to elicit sadness from Cronkite, so before he handed Cronkite the announcement of Kennedy’s death, he told Cronkite the following in Dutch: “Sad news, Walter: the Troll has toppled all the windmills in Amsterdam, and now he’s stealing the little children’s wooden shoes.” On the air, Cronkite instinctively shed a tear, and his announcement of Kennedy’s death became one of television’s most memorable moments.

Cronkite is survived by three toupees and a roomful of Hooked on Phonics.

Family converges on Jackson home, Jackson’s son asks “Why are all these black people here?” 

Warren Commission reconvened to investigate cause of death.

HOLLYWOOD – The Warren Commission was reconvened for the first time since it investigated the death of President John F. Kennedy to learn what killed pop sensation Michael Jackson.  The committee’s chairman, retired Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren, 118, issued a statement noting that “no issue, perhaps in the entire history of our Republic, is as important to the American people as the death of the King of Pop.”

Among other questions the panel will investigate is why daytime Emmy Award nominated actress Mary-Kate Olsen was notified of Jackson’s death before anyone called 9-1-1.  In an eerie replay of  actor Heath Ledger’s death last year, Jackson’s masseuse called Ms. Olsen who, in turn, directed a private security guard to go to Jackson’s leased home.  Only then was 9-1-1 called. 

The masseuse told reporters that she called Ms. Olsen, who had no connection with Jackson, because she thought that was standard Hollywood protocol.  “A celebrity drops dead, you call Mary-Kate,” she said.

The Warren Commission also will investigate why Jackson’s cardiologist, Dr. Conrad Murray, immediately fled Jackson’s home when Jackson was pronounced dead.  Dr. Murray turned up early Sunday and tearfully confessed that he had flown to Argentina to be with the mistress he shares with South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford.

Chaos reigned at Jackson’s home over the weekend, which was overrun by family and friends.  Jackson’s twelve-year-old son, Prince, asked aloud, “Why are all these black people here?” 

Rev. Jesse Jackson arrived to console the Jackson family.  He read from a prepared statement: “If I had my way, I would like to cut off his nuts.”  Rev. Jackson quickly realized he was reading from the wrong statement.

Shocked fans from around the world mourned Jackson’s death.  At the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, visitors say that the fingers on Jackson’s trademark white glove partially closed and assumed a pose that one fan likened to a masturbatory grip.

Jackson was pronounced dead at age 50 a short time later, and doctors immediately freed the boy, whose identity is not known. 

Doctors say they have no idea how the boy got inside Jackson, and a Jackson spokesman assured the late entertainer’s fans that the boy “must have crawled inside [Jackson's body] when the entertainer was asleep.”

Shocked fans from around the world mourned Jackson’s death.  At the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, visitors say that the fingers on Jackson’s trademark white glove partially closed and assumed a pose that one fan likened to a masturbatory grip.