Haig: ‘As of now, I am in control here in the cemetery’

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Feb 20

Reclusive J.D. Salinger a No-Show At Morgue

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Jan 28

Taco Bell Mascot Euthanized After Mauling Fast Food Chain’s Founder to Death

chihuahuaIRVINE, California – Gidget “Taco Bell chihuahua” Chipperton, the iconic mascot of Mexican-style fast food behemoth Taco Bell, was euthanized this morning after mauling to death the chain’s beloved founder, Glen Bell.

“Gidget heard somebody yell ‘¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!’ and she just snapped,” said Taco Bell spokeswoman Rosacea Lugosi.  “She bared her teeth and lunged for Glen’s throat because she thought he was a taco.”

What is left of Mr. Bell will be folded into a hard U-shaped shell and buried tomorrow.

Jan 20

Physician Who Treated JFK Dies After Two Year Battle With Lung Cancer, and Because He Knew Too Much

JFKperryMDALLAS – Dr. Malcolm Perry, 80, who struggled unsuccessfully to save President John F. Kennedy after he was shot in Dallas on November 22, 1963, has become the latest witness to the assassination to die under mysterious circumstances.

Physicians say Perry died Saturday of natural causes after a two-year battle with lung cancer, and because he knew too much.

Assassination experts say it is “more than a coincidence” that Dr. Perry, Lee Harvey Oswald, Jack Ruby and others connected with that fateful day have died in the 46 years since the assassination, in seemingly unrelated ways.  Prof. Noah Swayne said that the absence of any evidence to tie any of the deaths together “is one of the conspirators’ greatest tricks — in fact, it is strong evidence proving the conspiracy. ”  Dr. Perry’s death, Swayne explained, only underscores that “no one connected with the assassination is safe.  All of them will eventually die, one way or the other.”

Dec 9

Obituary: Walter Cronkite: Mastered Art of Delivering News Phonetically

WalterCronkiteCBSNEW YORK - Walter Cronkite, who had no idea what he was saying when he read the news to millions of Americans every night and yet was regarded as truth’s most trusted custodian, is dead at 92.

Cronkite fled the Netherlands and came to New York during World War II, and for several years eked out a living hawking Italian Ice in Times Square.  He couldn’t speak English but parroted the words of people he saw on television.  One day, while Cronkite was waiting on one of his regular customers, CBS founder William S. Paley, he blurted out, “Larry! Shemp! Get me outa this pipe!” Cronkite delivered the line with such authority that  Paley knew instantly not only that Cronkite would be his network’s first anchorman, but also its most beloved cultural icon. Paley hired him on the spot.

Cronkite never bothered to learn English and read the news phonetically until the day he retired. He was able to deliver with passion his signature sign-off – “And that’s the way it is” – because Mr. Paley convinced him the words meant “I want to make love to all the beautiful women in your country.”

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Jul 18

Michael Jackson Shocker: Joe Jackson Left Out of Son’s Will, Heads Back to Cornfield

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Jul 1

Michael Jackson Warned His Son That Whoever Approaches Him To Set Up a Meeting Will Be The Traitor

“Prince, Barzini wants to arrange a meeting.  He says we can straighten out any of our problems.  I can arrange security on my territory.”abevig

Jul 1

Shocker: After Finding Michael Jackson Lifeless, His Masseuse Called Mary-Kate Olsen

photo-warren-commissionqqq1Family converges on Jackson home, Jackson’s son asks “Why are all these black people here?” 

Warren Commission reconvened to investigate cause of death.

HOLLYWOOD – The Warren Commission was reconvened for the first time since it investigated the death of President John F. Kennedy to learn what killed pop sensation Michael Jackson.  The committee’s chairman, retired Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren, 118, issued a statement noting that “no issue, perhaps in the entire history of our Republic, is as important to the American people as the death of the King of Pop.”

Among other questions the panel will investigate is why daytime Emmy Award nominated actress Mary-Kate Olsen was notified of Jackson’s death before anyone called 9-1-1.  In an eerie replay of  actor Heath Ledger’s death last year, Jackson’s masseuse called Ms. Olsen who, in turn, directed a private security guard to go to Jackson’s leased home.  Only then was 9-1-1 called. 

The masseuse told reporters that she called Ms. Olsen, who had no connection with Jackson, because she thought that was standard Hollywood protocol.  “A celebrity drops dead, you call Mary-Kate,” she said.

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Jun 29

Gruesome Discovery: Removal of Michael Jackson’s Nose Reveals Terrified Blond Boy Trapped Inside Him

mjgloveHOLLYWOOD - Emergency room physicians at UCLA Medical Center, working feverishly to resuscitate entertainment sensation Michael Jackson Thursday afternoon after he stopped breathing, accidentally snapped off The King of Pop’s nose and were shocked to find a terrified blond, Caucasian male, approximately 7 or 8 years old, living inside his body.

Jackson was pronounced dead at age 50 a short time later, and doctors immediately freed the boy, whose identity is not known. 

Doctors say they have no idea how the boy got inside Jackson, and a Jackson spokesman assured the late entertainer’s fans that the boy “must have crawled inside [Jackson's body] when the entertainer was asleep.”

Shocked fans from around the world mourned Jackson’s death.  At the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, visitors say that the fingers on Jackson’s trademark white glove partially closed and assumed a pose that one fan likened to a masturbatory grip.

Jun 26

“Kung Fu” Icon David Carradine Died of Self-Inflicted Kick Wounds

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Jun 5

Five Years After Ronald Reagan’s Death, We Reprint Some of the Moving Tributes Paid to Him That day

reagan20photo“I was impressed with him from our first meeting — he was so intimidating he made my head break out in a rash.” — Mikhail Gorbachev

“Some have misconstrued our relationship as having been marked by animosity. It is difficult to fathom where such notions originated. I have always had the utmost respect for President Reagan, and I am grateful that the attempt to end his life in which I played some role was ultimately unsuccessful.” – John Hinkley

“After he was shot, I told the press that when they wheeled him into the hospital the President said, ‘Honey, I forgot to duck.’  I must now confess that this wasn’t totally accurate.  He really said, ‘Honey, I think I am a duck.’” — Dr. Francis Fitzgerald, treating physician following the assassination attempt on President Reagan in March 1981

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Jun 5

National Enquirer Publishes 40th Edition Announcing “The End” for Patrick Swayze

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Mar 23

Co-Creator of Mr. Magoo is Dead at 92

mrmagooMillard Kaufman’s car flipped over an embankment after he encountered a series of improbable sticky situations brought on by his latent myopia, which he stubbornly refused to acknowledge.

Mar 18

Mr. Peanut Hangs Self After Testing Positive for Salmonella

peanutaATLANTIC CITY – Emerson Wickwire Peanut, III, known the world over as Mr. Peanut, the iconic mascot of food giant Planters, is dead at 92 of an apparent suicide. 

Just hours before the shell of the always-dapper Mr. Peanut was found hanging from Atlantic City’s legendary Steel Pier, he was informed that he had tested positive for salmonella.

Velveeta Planters-Kraft, CEO of Planters, issued a statement on behalf of the company:  “Emerson’s death is an incalculable loss for the peanut community.  He will always be remembered for his pioneering efforts to bring desegregation to the industry by insisting that grocers in the south carry mixed nuts.”

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Feb 20

Death of John Updike Casts Black Cloud Over Super Bowl Media Day

uodikeTAMPA – The death of noted author John Updike cast a pall over Super Bowl Media day sessions, as players and coaches alike struggled to deal with the loss while at the same time preparing for Sunday’s world championship football game.

News of Mr. Updike’s passing spread quickly across the dais where members of the Pittsburgh Steelers defensive backfield were fielding questions from members of the press.

“”Excuse me for a moment,” said cornerback Ike Taylor. “I’ve just been informed that John Updike, novelist and keen observer of the American middle class for over fifty years, has died.”

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Jan 29

By All Outward Appearances, Heath Ledger Was Not Depressed — He Was Smiling Ear-to-Ear on the Set of His Last Film

heath_ledgerCommentary by Dr. Noah Swayne, Psychiatrist

Startling new evidence shows that late actor Heath Ledger, who died after overdosing on pills commonly prescribed for depression, anxiety and insomnia, was very happy on the set of his last film, The Dark Night, and thus was not depressed when he died. Specifically, Carbolic Smoke Ball has obtained stunning photographs that show Ledger smiling ear-to-ear, including this one.

Some might question whether Ledger’s personal hygiene was all that it should have been — the photos suggest he hadn’t washed his green hair in quite some time and that his lipstick was not applied with care. But from a MENTAL HEALTH PERSPECTIVE, the smile shows he was one happy son-of-a-bitch.

Allow me to illustrate. Do you know who Nat King Cole was? He’s dead now.  But when he was alive, he was a BLACK SINGER. Mr. King Cole was the first singer I ever got laid to, but that’s the subject of another commentary. It turns out nobody knew more about PSYCHIATRY than Mr. Nat King Cole, and especially when he sang these immortal words: “Pretend you’re happy when you’re blue. It isn’t very hard to do. And you’ll find happiness without an end. Whenever you pretend.” The point of those seemingly POINTLESS WORDS is that even when you’re “blue” (from a mental health perspective, that means “depressed”), you will become happy just by pretending you are happy. That, even I admit, seems idiotic, for want of a more scientific term, but I didn’t write the song. And what does this have to do with Mr. Ledger?

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Jan 2

FCC Bans Seven Words From George Carlin’s Tombstone

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Jan 2

“Peanuts” Animator Bill Melendez Dies at 91

melendezMourners have difficulty understanding sermon at funeral because minister’s voice sounded like a muted trombone

Jan 2

Betty James, Co-Founder of Slinky Company, is Dead

slinkyThe wiry 90-year-old attempted to walk down the stairs end-over-end, but she tumbled, made a slinkity sound, and broke her neck.

Jan 2

Dead at 68: Don LaFontaine, Iconic Voice of Movie Trailers, Famous for Intoning “In a World . . .”

news_234601On his deathbed, Lafontaine saw his life flash before his eyes – and was surprised it included footage that didn’t make it into the finished product.

Jan 2

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