Revered JFK Speechwriter Ted Sorensen Dies, Last Assigment was Writing Ads for Subway

BOSTON – Ted Sorensen, the wordsmith behind President John F. Kennedy’s direct but soaring rhetoric and portions of Kennedy’s Pulitzer-Prize-winning book “Profiles in Courage,” died of complications of a stroke.  He was 82.

The timing of Sorensen’s death was ironic because last month it was announced he had been lured out of retirement to write ads for fast food sandwich giant Subway.

Sorensen agreed to a rare interview in his Boston office just last Friday. Seated beneath paintings depicting a pensive President Kennedy on his right and an oversized cold cut sub on his left, Sorensen explained that he had bypassed countless offers since Kennedy’s death to write speeches for U.S. Presidents and other world leaders, but that the Subway opportunity was “too good to pass up.” 

“It was exactly what I’ve been looking for,” he explained. ”It will give me a chance to say some things I’ve been wanting to get off my chest for a long, long time.”

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Oct 31

MSNBC Anchor Contessa Brewer ‘Acutely Depressed’ Over News That Times Square Bomber is Muslim

msnbc-logoNEW YORK – Contessa Brewer has taken a leave of absence from her job as an MSNBC anchor to undergo intense electro-shock therapy for depression stemming from the news that the Times Square bomber is a Pakistan American Muslim instead of an angry white male.

“When I heard there had been a bombing attempt, I anxiously awaited news that the would-be bomber was a Caucasian male,” said Brewer. “An angry, guns-and-religion, Christian wingnut. 

“One can only imagine how devastated I was when I learned he was Muslm.  This is not the preferred narrative.”

May 6

King Features Syndicate Reveals New “Mary Worth” Strip in Which Mary Has Coffee With the Prophet Mohammed

Mary&Mohammed

Apr 28

Carbolic/Comedy Central Exclusive: First Look at Next Week’s South Park Episode, “Mohammed Returns”

SouthPark

Apr 28

Man Sues TV Station for Blurring Face, Claims He Can’t Un-blur It

photo-1-blurry-facePITTSBURGH – Noah Swayne, 32, is suing WPXI-TV for blurring his face in a news story last week because, he says, he cannot un-blur it.

Swayne’s face was blurred in a report dealing with alleged wrongdoing by his employer.  “Now everyone I meet is squinting to see my face clearly,” he said. “Shaving has become impossible.  And everyone accuses me of moving when they take my picture.”

WPXI news director Bradleys Roadhouse said that the blurred look “is an improvement for Mr. Swayne.” 

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Dec 10

Obituary: Walter Cronkite: Mastered Art of Delivering News Phonetically

WalterCronkiteCBSNEW YORK - Walter Cronkite, who had no idea what he was saying when he read the news to millions of Americans every night and yet was regarded as truth’s most trusted custodian, is dead at 92.

Cronkite fled the Netherlands and came to New York during World War II, and for several years eked out a living hawking Italian Ice in Times Square.  He couldn’t speak English but parroted the words of people he saw on television.  One day, while Cronkite was waiting on one of his regular customers, CBS founder William S. Paley, he blurted out, “Larry! Shemp! Get me outa this pipe!” Cronkite delivered the line with such authority that  Paley knew instantly not only that Cronkite would be his network’s first anchorman, but also its most beloved cultural icon. Paley hired him on the spot.

Cronkite never bothered to learn English and read the news phonetically until the day he retired. He was able to deliver with passion his signature sign-off – “And that’s the way it is” – because Mr. Paley convinced him the words meant “I want to make love to all the beautiful women in your country.”

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Jul 18

Swine Flu a Bust, MSNBC Execs Huddle To Pick Next Panic

griffinNEW YORK – MSNBC executives held an emergency meeting to decide America’s next major panic after determining that the swine flu outbreak is not nearly as serious as initially expected. 

Phil Griffin, President of the cable news network, apologized profusely to network brass. “I am, of course, extremely disappointed that despite our efforts to foment swine flu hysteria and boost ratings, the disease just didn’t cooperate, and it now looks like there will only be several hundred deaths from it.” 

“Swine flu is my Y2K,” Griffin admitted candidly, a reference to the millenium computer bug that was expected to cause global disrputions at the start of 2000 but didn’t. 

Griffin glumly noted that the network likely won’t resort to hysteria about the economy to substitute for the swine flu. “When we tried that last September to help elect President Obama, it backfired and set off a world-wide recession.” Griffin chuckled: “We really goofed on that one.”

May 7

Chimp Who Mauled Rihanna Breaks Silence, Says He’s Very Sorry, Seeking Counseling

Chimpanzee AttackHARTFORD – Travis, the 200-pound chimp who allegedly badly mauled singer Rihanna, says he is seeking counseling from loved ones and family members.

“Words cannot begin to express how sorry and saddened I am over what transpired. I am seeking the counseling of my pastor, my mother and other loved ones and I am committed, with God’s help, to emerging a better person.”

The 15-year-old domesticated chimpanzee, who once starred in TV commercials for Old Navy and Coca-Cola, issued a brief statement today through publicist Michael Sitrick. In it, Travis also said that many of the reports about the incident are incorrect, although he does not provide further details.

Feb 18

Tim Russert Reports Worms Infestation “Out of Control”

russertNEW YORK - Tim Russert, deceased host of NBC’s “Meet the Press,” confirmed that an infestation of worms and other subterranean insects have broken through the walls of his casket, once thought to be inpenetrable.

“The worms are eating my hair,” cried Russert.  “Please, someone, please do something!”

This is not the first time Mr. Russert has generated news from the beyond grave. Last month he complained about his son Luke’s “easy ride to the top.” In a chilling Christmas Eve commentary, Mr. Russert let loose a blood-curdling scream, “He’s only on TV ‘cause I’m dead!”

According to Luke Russert, there are no plans to excavate his father at this time.

Feb 3

“My Special Guest Tonight: Heather Mills”

larry20king

Jan 28

Political Commentators Rapturous Over Obama’s Speech, Find “Profound Symbolism” in Portions Where He Exposed Self, Defecated

inauguralspeechWASHINGTON – The reviews are in, and political commentators around the world are unanimous in praising Barack Obama’s inaugural address. 

Experts on presidential rhetoric lauded the speech for not producing any memorable lines, as well as for the absence of eloquence, form, structure and cohesiveness. Karlyn Kohrs Lyght, a speech communications professor at Hoboken State University, noted that Mr. Obama “avoided an overprepared oration written as if each line were intended to be carved into marble.”  On that score, Professor Kohrs Lyght said, Obama’s speech “far surpasses both the Gettysburg Address and Lincoln’s Second Inaugural,” since both are carved into marble in the Lincoln Memorial.

Another commentator, Professor Kathleen Hall Monitor of the University of Roddochain, explained that the speech was a landmark because it “found a deep frisson in its shreds and patches, all of them seemingly stitched together by a speechwriter who, reaching out to the average 27-year-old in all of us, endlessly web-searched and channel-surfed for stardust moments that placed archaic notions of a single, compelling narrative under erasure.”

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Jan 22

Public Warned: As of February 17, Anyone Without a Digital Converter Box Will Not be Able to See or Hear Analog People

photo-four-digital-convertera

Jan 8

Digital TV Transition Just Two Months Away

Network execs promise broadcasts will “stimulate your senses like never before,” insult your intelligence just the same

 

Dec 12

Coming to Get You in Just 10 Days…


Carbolic Smoke Ball Presents ZOMBIES ATE MY HEADLINES

All the best headlines, highlights, and hilarity of Carbolic’s first three years. Over 300 classic items and editorials, with dozens of new features, photos, and illustrations, a foreword by radio great Randy Baumann, and an introduction by PBS filmmaking icon Rick Sebak. All assembled in the finest collection of fake news you’ll ever find.  Or fear.  Or laugh yourself silly over.

Available at book stores, web sites — including Amazon.com, BarnesandNoble.com and, of course, CarbolicSmoke.com — shopping malls, urban wastelands, rural farmhouses, and well-appointed underground bunkers everywhere. November 25th.

Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Nov 15

ABC to Close Broadcast, Online Divisions, Deliver News Exclusively Through Twitter

“We want to be ahead of the curve,” said ABC News President David Westin. “And if we can’t tell a story in fewer than 140 characters, no one’s gonna read it anyway.” 

Nov 12

Time Names Obama “Person of the Year” for 2008, 2009, 2010

“We would have done it for ’11 and ’12 too,” said Managing Editor Richard Stengel, “but we thought we should wait and see if he earns it first.”

Nov 7

Our Apologies for Erroneous Headline

Carbolic Smoke Ball apologizes to its readers for the erroneous headline we printed late yesterday that proclaimed former New York Governor Thomas Dewey the winner over Illinois Senator Barack Obama in the presidential election.  We do not now how this occurred, given that the election does not occur until today, and that Gov. Dewey has been dead for 37 years.

When we make an error of this magnitude, we usually laugh about it, then high-five the reporter and editor who blew it. And that’s just what we’ve done.

Sen. Obama took glee in highlighting our blunder, and we don’t blame him. We figure we had it coming.

While the error was an understandable one that any newspaper could make, we nevertheless pledge to work harder to “get it right” from now on.

Nov 4

Catholics to Protest New Fox Series, “People Say the Damnedest Things in Confession!”

NEW YORK – The Vatican today called on people of goodwill to boycott the Fox Network’s new reality show, “People Say the Damnedest Things in Confession!”, which puts hidden microphones and cameras in the confessional of a Catholic Church.

“It captures on tape the most intimate sins of the penitents for the viewing pleasure of Fox’s hedonistic young audience,” said the show’s producer Larry Bang. “But it’s all done in good taste.”

In one segment on the opening show, a young man confesses to having sex with his girlfriend out of wedlock. Later that day, the show’s producers show the confession to the girlfriend, “and that’s where the fireworks begin,” chuckles Bang.

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Oct 23

Palin’s “SNL” Appearance Part of a Long Tradition of Politicians Poking Fun at Selves on TV

NEW YORK – Sarah Palin proved to be a good sport by poking fun at herself on “Saturday Night Live,” but her appearance was anything but unprecedented.  Politicians have been going on TV and radio to lighten their images for decades. Richard Nixon famously made a cameo on “Laugh In” during the 1968 presidential campaign when he looked directly into the camera and said, “Sock it to me.” First lady Betty Ford made a much beloved appearance on “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” in the mid-70s. 

President Dwight Eisenhower subbed for the Fred Mertz character on “I Love Lucy” in a 1956 episode and afterward declared: “My favorite part was insulting Ethel. I really got into the misogyny.”

But the most disastrous political TV cameo occurred when President John F. Kennedy was a surprise substitute for Dick Van Dyke in the opening of a November 1963 episode of Mr. Van Dyke’s hit sitcom. The live studio audience erupted into wild applause when Kennedy walked through the front door of the fictitious Petrie home instead of Mr. Van Dyke. But disaster struck when Kennedy attempted to imitate Mr. Van Dyke’s signature tumble over the ottoman. The President landed wrong and broke his back.  He was pronounced dead within one hour.

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Oct 20

Bush Prods Cheney to Step Aside in Favor of Richard Dreyfuss After Seeing “W”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – White House insiders say that President Bush has spent the past several days secretly studying a bootleg copy of Oliver Stone’s “W,” based on the President’s life, and that he has taken to imitating Josh Brolin’s portrayal of him down to the most minute details. 

Bush routinely recites Brolin’s dialogue, making sure to get the inflection exactly right, even if the words have no application to the conversation.

Bush was so impressed with Richard Dreyfuss’ portrayal of Dick Cheney in the film that he is pressuring Cheney to resign in favor of the 60-year-old actor.

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Oct 20

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