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- Obama Admits He’s Pals With William Ayers, Vows to Have Ex-Terrorist Serve America by Bombing Wall Street
- Hecklers Call For Palin to Iron Their Shirts - And She Does It
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- Underdog Scientists Win Nobel Prize for Chemistry, Winners Celebrate With Champagne Baths, Victory Cigars
- CAMPAIGN TRAIL SHOCKER: Obama Announces He’s Dropping Out of Race, Going on Tour With Ann Wilson
- McCain Caught on Video Using Hate Speech to Select a Donut
- AIG Execs Defend Swanky Junket, Say No Bailout Money Used to Pay For Event
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Reports From the Trail
Pair to be replaced by Michelle Obama and Ted Kennedy, whom media watchdogs say will “likely be more objective” than their predecessors
ST. PAUL - WJM anchorman Ted Baxter was suspended by station management yesterday for remarks he made on the air that accompanied a video montage assembled during Alaskan Governor Palin’s visit to this city over the past three days.
Some of the clips included footage of Governor Palin driving along a Twin Cities interstate, enthusiastically hugging WJM employees during a visit to the newsroom, and casually throwing what appeared to be some sort of breakfast container into a shopping cart.
The video concluded with Governor Palin running into a downtown street and tossing her cap into the air.
”We love his focus and his intensity,” said NBC News President Steve Capus. “And after all of our Olympic coverage, we figure the transition will be indistinguishable.”
“Celeb 2″ - Coming soon to tv screens and newscasts near you.
Presumptive Democratic nominee tells audience, “You’re either with us, or against us”
Magazine’s editor relents, apologizes, promises to change
NEW YORK, NY - In a surprising reversal, the editor of The New Yorker admitted today he made a “serious error in judgment” by running this week’s controversial cover illustration of Senator Barack Obama and his wife dressed as Islamic terrorists.
Editor-in-Chief David Remnick issued a statement saying that he and his staff have “learned much” from the experience, and that they promise “never to make the same mistake again.”
“We apologize to Senator Obama, to his wife Michelle, and to his supporters for our reckless, tasteless, and offensive cover art,” Remnick wrote. ”After consulting with the editors of many of our peer publications, as well as with members of Senator Obama’s staff, we now see the error of our ways. From now on, our cover illustrations will afford Senator Obama the same reverence and appreciation he receives from every other magazine in America.”
Remnick added that he hopes this week’s cover, which he called “a new testament to our good faith,” will “set the record straight” and “show America the real Barack Obama.”
“I’d like to cut that cartoonist’s nuts off.”
WASHINGTON, DC - The campaigns of presidential hopefuls John McCain and Barack Obama found common ground for the second time this week, agreeing yesterday that Irish writer Jonathan Swift “went too far” in a controversial essay that suggests poor families might ease their economic burdens by selling their children as food for the rich.
Swift’s “A Modest Proposal,” first published in 1729 but still widely read and accepted today, argues that “a young healthy child well nursed is, at a year old, a most delicious and wholesome food,” and that, “whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled,” it can provide a rare culinary delight for which wealthy gourmands will pay handsomely.
“Jonathan Swift may think, as one of his editors explained to us, that his essay is a satirical lampoon of failed 18th Century social and economic policies. But most readers will see it as tasteless and offensive. Even in these difficult economic times, hard-working American families would never eat their children or sell them as food for rich Republicans like our opponent,” said Obama campaign spokesman Bill Burton.
NBC PRESS RELEASE - NBC News today named Jamie Lynn Spears, 17, and her long-time paramour Casey Aldridge, 19, co-moderators of Meet the Press, the longest-running television show in worldwide broadcasting history, to replace the late Tim Russert.
Ms. Spears was also named the network’s Washington Bureau Chief.
“Ms. Spears and Mr. Aldridge will inject the show with a high-voltage dosage of youthful exuberance while staying true to the show’s tradition of providing hard-hitting coverage of the day’s most important issues,” said Steve Capus, president of NBC News. Capus added that it will mark the first time in network television history that a teenage Caucasian male-female couple will co-host a major Sunday morning news program.
“Remember…the Force will be with you…always.”
WASHINGTON, DC - Journalists from around the nation converged on the nation’s capital yesterday to attend a memorial service for “Meet the Press” host Tim Russert and then applied for his job.
“We have lost a valued colleague and role model whose legacy of fairness and tenacity are irreplaceable,” said one newsman, wiping tears from his face during the gathering at Kennedy Center. “Do you think they’d start me at what he was making?”
The grief hit especially hard at out-of-town newsmen from medium market stations. Les Williams, anchor at WJLJ in Bismarck, N.D., said he spoke for many when he said Russert was viewed as a guiding figure on which to model countless careers.
“He had this direct lighting about him. It hid the double chin and made his hair look fuller. We don’t have the crew for that sort of thing in Bismarck. God I hope they’re at least going to look at my audition tapes,” Williams said, pocketing a dozen funeral cards to impress his children and colleagues back in North Dakota.
VATICAN CITY - The unprecedented outpouring of grief for Tim Russert, the host of NBC’s Meet the Press who died Friday, prompted the Vatican to waive all requirements for sainthood — including the requirement that miracles be attributed to the deceased’s intercession — and canonize him immediately.
An official Vatican statement explained the unusual move: “Even though the vast majority of persons mourning Mr. Russert never watched the esoteric Sunday morning political talk show Meet the Press and most, frankly, probably had never even heard of Mr. Russert until he died, the grieving has become so widespread that it has prompted the Holy See to jump on the lamentation bandwagon and declare him a saint.”
Several unnamed but high-ranking officials at NBC reportedly met Sunday afternoon to discuss how to best use Russert’s status as a saint to help insure the election of Barack Obama.
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