Abraham Zapruder’s Secretary Mans Zapruder’s Old Perch in Dealey Plaza Every Day, Waiting to Film Trouble on Elm Street

sitzmanDALLAS – Marilyn Sitzman, receptionist for clothing manufacturer Jennifer Juniors, Inc., carries on the work of her late boss, Abraham Zapruder, by coming to Dealey Plaza every day to stand atop the westernmost concrete pedestal connected to the Plaza’s pergola. All day long she aims her camera on Elm Street, ”just waiting to film trouble.”

Ms. Sitzman was standing directly behind Mr. Zapruder on the same pedestal on November 22, 1963 when he caputred the assassination of President John F. Kennedy on film in arguably the most famous home movie ever shot. Zapruder was paid $150,000 for the film’s rights.  

“After that, Mr. Zapruder always said, ‘Marilyn, you never know when some international tragedy is going to strike on Elm Street,’” she recalled.

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Apr 8

God Reveals Himself, Has Second Helping of Cake

fred_macmurrayWEST HOLLYWOOD – Steven Douglas, a twice-widowed retired aircraft engineer, informed members of His community bridge club that He is, in fact, God Almighty. Mr. Douglas made the stunning announcement during a mid-game refreshment break.

“I know many of you are wondering how I was able to raise three wholesome sons during a time of social upheaval. The answer is simple: I am God. I am their Father, and I am your Father, too.”

Fellow bridge club members greeted the news with skepticism. One man wanted to know His real name.

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Apr 3

Local Man Blames Alcoholism on Obama Drinking Game

0PITTSBURGH – Noah Swayne, 30, blames President Barack Obama for his alcoholism. 

Swayne says that he and his buddies play a game in which they each take a shot of Jack Daniels every time the President says the word “look.” During Tuesday night’s press conference, Mr. Obama said the word “look” 1,312 times.

Mr. Swayne, who has entered an alcohol rehabilitation program, fared better than his friend Bradleys Roadhouse, 28, who succumbed to alcohol poisoning halfway through the press event.

Mar 26

College Dude’s Hook-Up Success Soars With Green Make-Out Sessions

halloween-1PITTSBURGH - University of Pittsburgh Junior Noah Swayne, 20, reports that his success on the campus ”hook up” scene has soared ever since he let it be known that his make-out sessions are “environmentally friendly.”

“I tell every [woman] I meet that if they come back to my dorm room [for casual sex] or [to administer oral sex to Mr. Swayne], I insist that we promote a healthy environment for romance.” 

“That means, turning off the lights and using scented candles instead. It also means lowering the thermostat in favor of lots and lots more cuddling and hand-holding. And it means lots and lots of sharing feelings.”

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Mar 26

Republican Party Apologizes for Offensive St. Patrick’s Day Float

lucky20charms21BOSTON - Chairwoman of the Republican Party of Massachusetts Jennifer Nassour apologized for what she called an “insensitive and inappropriate” float submitted by the GOP for Boston’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade.

“Placing your slate of candidates in the back of a convertible with a sign that says ‘Best wishes from the Republican Party and your Lord and Protector Oliver Cromwell’ isn’t the way to win votes,” said Nassour.

“This is even worse than last year,” she said. In 2008, the GOP float was entitled, “A Salute to the Potato Famine.”

Mar 17

Blagojevich Ousted by Illinois Senate 59-0; Ex-Governor Rips Legislators for Running Up the Score, Not Invoking Mercy Rule

blagojevich

Jan 30

Local Man Denies He Killed 7, Poisoned 490

bobfloppyhat2“They got the wrong guy,” says plumber Sal Monella

PITTSBURGH – Now that he’s been blamed for seven deaths in three states, a local man says he has no choice but to speak up and try to clear his name.

“I didn’t kill anybody,” said Sal Monella, 47, of Bloomfield. “I’ve never been to Virginia, I’ve never been to Minnesota, and I don’t even like peanut butter. They got the wrong guy.”

Monella, a master plumber who says his business has declined 73% since authorities linked him to the poisonings of more than 490 people nationwide, wants the world to know he’s innocent. “I wouldn’t hurt a fly — unless it was clogging your pipes.”

Monella says he hopes the investigation, with which he is cooperating, will be over soon, so he can prove his innocence and get back to full-time work. “My name is my reputation,” Monella said. “I can’t stand the thought of it being tainted.”

Jan 27

Pressed for Funds, Local “No-Kill” Shelter Becomes “Occasional-Kill”

yoyoSqueezed by a tightening economy and a growing number of abandoned pets, a local ‘no-kill’ animal shelter said it is revising its policies and will now become an ‘accidental kill’ shelter.

“We could never look a puppy in the face and consciously decide that its life is expendable,” said Patricia Summers, director of the Animal Haven Shelter in Ross. “We could never deliberately place the life of any fellow creature beneath that of a human.”

The shelter, which has limited funding, has seen a three-fold intake of unwanted animals and was faced with the decision to feed the influx or lay off four of its 12 employees. A new policy was reached by a vote of the employees.

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Jan 12

Local Teen: “Sick Kids Get All the Breaks”

“No one ever asks me if I want to make a wish,” says Adam Swayne, 14

PITTSBURGH – Taylor Allderdice High School freshman Adam Swayne says he’s tired of reading about expensive trips and special events the Make-a-Wish Foundation arranges for children with life-threatening illnesses. He doesn’t want to hear about toys and gifts given to sick kids by the United Way Children’s Charity. And he chafes at the thought of players from his two favorite sports teams, the Steelers and the Penguins, making regular trips to the wards of Children’s Hospital.

“No one ever asks me if I want to make a wish,” said Swayne, 14, of Squirrel Hill. “Those sick kids get all the breaks.”

Swayne, a member of the varsity track, swimming, and cross-country teams, believes that strong, healthy teens fall victim to widespread social and charitable discrimination. “I’d like an XBox too, you know. I’d like to go to Disney World. I’d like to hang out with Ben Roethlisberger and Sidney Crosby. Why should I have to suffer just because I’m in awesome shape and buff enough to kick those sick kids’ a**es?”

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Dec 11

Pennsylvania Game Commission Releases Harvest Figures for First Day of Deer Season

State’s hunters shoot 2,224 buck, 3,532 doe, 1,347 trees, 237 road signs, 58 pick-up trucks, 26 outhouses, the broad sides of 13 barns, 9 other hunters, 6 game wardens, 4 large dogs, 2 rabbits, and a partridge in a pear tree

 

Dec 2

Five Block Area Around Local Man’s Pants Cordoned Off Due to Appearance of Suspicious Package

SPRINGFIELD – Police have shut down the area around Sixth and Wood Streets downtown after a suspicious package was found in the region of local businessman Noah Swayne’s crotch. 

Explosives and crotch-sniffing dogs were dispatched to the scene.  Police officers speculate it could be explosives, or it could be that Mr. Swayne is ruminating over his new administrative assistant, Velveeta Lugosi-Roadhouse.

Deputy Sheriff Samuel Blatchford noticed the package as Swayne was walking down the street at around 8 a.m. Blatchford asked this reporter to point out that he was not purposefully looking at Mr. Swayne’s crotch area, “just as I have no desire to look at any man’s hanging appendages.

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Nov 11

Angelina, Brad Abandon Six Children Under Nebraska’s Safe Haven Law

OMAHA – Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt drove their six children from Los Angeles to an Omaha hospital today and legally abandoned them under Nebraska’s new safe haven law, which allows parents to abandon children as old as 18 at any state-licensed hospital without fear of prosecution.  Thus far, 29 children have been abandoned under the law.

Ms. Jolie told a reporter that the children, three of whom were adopted, ”were just getting to be too much, especially with all the promotion I’m doing for my motion picture The Changeling — please make sure you spell that right.” 

Mr. Pitt agreed.  “Hey, we gave it a try, and it just didn’t work out,” he said.  “I think it’s also important to point out that several of those children were foreigners.”

Oct 31

Local Family Lays Off Three Children

“We’re realigning structure to make the family unit more efficient and responsive, and to more strategically position our household for success in today’s challenging economic environment,” said Chief Operating Father Cornelius Dunn 
 

Oct 30

Man Finds Candy in Package of Razors, Police Investigating

PITTSBURGH - Police were called to a Shadyside home this morning after a man reported finding a piece of candy in a package of razors. “It happens every year at this time,” said Police Chief Nate Harper. “Some sick, twisted individual tries to take all of the fun out of the simple act of shaving. What’s this world coming to.”

According to the tape recording of the 911 call, the man, David Corbett, tore open a bag of Gillette Custom Plus Pivot Razors only to find several pieces of candy carefully placed between the razors. “They fell out all over the floor,” said Corbett. “Why would anyone want to do this to me?”

Preliminary analysis of the candy done by the Allegheny County Crime Lab indicates the candy is a confection commonly known by it’s street name, jawbreaker.

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Oct 28

Man Rapes Three at Mall Before Turning Penis on Self

Policewoman wrestles weapon from rapist’s hands before subduing him.

Oct 23

Nick Nolte Escapes Burning Home in Malibu

Authorities say actor “inhaled some smoke,” won’t say what kind

Oct 8

Cubs Lose Again, Extend Curse to 100 Years; Mayor Places All of Chicago on Suicide Watch

Asked what might happen to the city’s fragile mental state if the White Sox are eliminated too, Mayor Daley replied, “The who?”

Oct 5

Local Man Suspends Masturbation While Nation Seeks Solution to Financial Crisis

Sep 25

McCain, Palin Apologize for Remarks in Pennsylvania Town

MEDIA, PA – Republican running mates John McCain and Sarah Palin today apologized to citizens of this Delaware County town after what a campaign spokesman called “an understandable reflex” when they denounced it before a once-enthusiastic crowd of 8,000 outside the courthouse.

“It’s time we did something about Media,” said Mrs. Palin, the Alaska governor and vice-presidential nominee. “They’re too liberal. They hate America. They are biased, and it shows.”

“You tell ‘em, Sarah,” Mr. McCain interjected. “These Media people are detestable. I sometimes think they want the terrorists to win.”

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Sep 23

Gabe Kotter, Beloved Teacher Who Gave “Last Lecture” That Inspired Many, Beaten to Death by Students

BROOKLYN – Gabe Kotter, a teenage troublemaker who returned to his former high school to teach a new generation of delinquents and wrote a best-selling book based on his “last lecture,” was beaten to death by a gang of former students yesterday.

Police have arrested Arnold Horshack of Fire Island, Vinnie Barbarino of Bensonhurst, Frederick Washington, a homeless man, and Juan Epstein of the East Side, and charged them with first degree murder. Authorities said the men were taught by Mr. Kotter over twenty-five years ago, but school records reveal that none of the suspects graduated. Detective Mike Maloney said the men confessed that they were jealous of the notoriety Mr. Kotter had achieved following the news that he was terminally ill.

“Mr. Kot-ter made us sit through those corny speeches every day,” Mr. Washington said in his statement to police.  “He bored the hell out of us so bad we all dropped out. We didn’t want him doing that to other kids.”

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Jul 31

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