When the “duel arenas” are seen from the air, Ravenstahl explained they will simulate “a beautiful woman.”

The plan is crucial to Pittsburgh’s survival, the Mayor explained, because “our town has gone from a world-class city to a third-rate bupkis, and this will give us much-needed kinkiness cachet.”

“It will be like administering a massive shot of Viagra to the Burgh.”

“He really stunk up the joint,” a furious Swayne said.

The jury deliberated for just ten minutes after Ethan’s closing argument, which included singing, dancing, and air-guitar playing, then returned a $4 million verdict against Swayne’s client, Peerless Can Opener Co. “I thought we had a good chance,” said Swayne, “given that the other attorney let his five-year-old daughter handle his case.”

Swayne said it was good for his son to “get this one under his belt,” and that the experience would “look great” on future law school applications. 

Next year, Swayne said, he’ll let Ethan try a death penalty case.

“The [floodlights] bathed the entire perimeter of [the Cooper's] property in light and kept the zombies away,” said Sheriff Mick “Mac” McClelland.

“We are investigating whether Mr. Al Gore and other climate charge proponents responsible for Earth Hour should be charged, along with the zombies, as co-conspirators in killing the Coopers.”

Swayne’s face was blurred in a report dealing with alleged wrongdoing by his employer.  “Now everyone I meet is squinting to see my face clearly,” he said. “Shaving has become impossible.  And everyone accuses me of moving when they take my picture.”

WPXI news director Bradleys Roadhouse said that the blurred look “is an improvement for Mr. Swayne.” 

Roadhouse noted that this was not the first time a person featured in a news report claimed he could not unblur his face.  “It happened to a woman in Blawnox a couple of years ago, and to my knowledge she’s still blurry,” he chuckled. 

Roadhouse hopes to hook up Swayne with the blurry-faced woman from Blawnox.  “Who knows?  Maybe they can get together and have a bunch of blurry kids.”

Mr. Giancana made his remarks during the course of a wire-tapped phone conversation earlier today.

“I will go to Copenhagen,” said Mr. Giancana.”  And I’ll show those [expletive deleted] Dutch [expletive deleted] wooden shoe-wearing [expletive deleted]  who’s boss. We’re getting the [expletive deleted] summer games, or I’ll be plugging more than [expletive deleted] dikes over there.”

Mr. Giancana was greeted by reporters before boarding an international flight. When asked why he was traveling with only a set of brass knuckles and six yards of piano wire, Mr. Giancana blushed. “These are props I might need for my presentation.”

Late Thursday, President Obama emerged from his private quarters to brief the press on Mr. Giancana’s mission.

“Mr. Sam is an extremely persuasive fellow,” he said. “I’m hopeful the members of the IOC will accede to the force of his oratorical skills.”

By all accounts, Mr. Capone scored points all day, showing off his world famous charm from the moment he arrived at the airport.

“I’m in Copenhagen?” Capone quipped to reporters when he stepped off the plane.  “I don’t even know what street Copenhagen’s on!”  The press corps roared its approval.

After meeting privately with each IOC member, Capone hinted that he thinks he “sealed the deal” despite heavy lobbying for other cities.  ”That’s because you can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone,” he explained.

The committee concluded that the road was paved by the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation. 

PennDOT would not confirm the Committee’s conclusion. The Committee said its conclusion is based in part on the fact that the road is is riddled with potholes and that orange barrels are strewn across most of its length.

Beck was presented with a key to the city during a Saturday evening tribute that capped “Glenn Beck Day” in Mount Vernon.  The burglaries commenced immediately after the ceremony. 

No signs of forced entry were apparent in any of the break-ins, leading police to conclude that the perpetrator must have had access to each of the buildings and bank vaults burglarized.  Beck is the only person known to fit that description.

“My chief goal was to find people who are able to move of their own volition,” he explained. “I watched them closely, and all of them can walk. I like the way some of them handled the protest signs, which suggests they might be able to swing a bat.”

Huntington said the 22 male protesters he signed would be in uniform tomorrow night. “We’re still looking for uniforms for the ten women we signed.”