Blog Archives

CSB Tips to Keep Warm this Winter

Facing sub-zero temperatures this week, Americans are being urged to follow these fun and unconventional techniques to keep warm: Set ovens to “Self-clean mode” and keep the door open. Pipes could freeze, keep your hair dyer on high and rest

Posted in Environment, Health, Local News, U.S. News, Weather

‘Earth Hour’ Tragedy: Farmhouse Overrun By Zombies When Family Turns Off Floodlights

CLARKSVILLE, PA – All three members of the local Cooper family, husband and wife Harry, 38, and Helen, 35, and their daughter Karen, 16, were brutally dismembered by marauding zombies Saturday night after Mrs. Cooper shut off the floodlights atop the Coopers’ home in observance of Earth Hour.  Police say the

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Posted in Crime, Local News

Winged Youth Sought in Bow and Arrow Attacks

PITTSBURGH – Police say that a lively, partially clothed, winged youth known only as “Cupid” is a person of interest in a series of bow and arrow attacks throughout the tri-state area. The suspect’s modus operandi is to fire tiny,

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Posted in Local News

Pittsburgh to Keep Civic Arena, Build Second One ‘To Simulate Beautiful Woman From the Air’

PITTSBURGH – Mayor Luke Ravenstahl announced that the Rust Belt Capital of the World will not demolish its iconic domed Civic Arena when the city’s hockey team, the Penguins, vacate it to take up residence in the new Consol Energy Center, but

Posted in Local News, Sports

Local Lawyer Blames Eight-Year-Old Son for Losing Trial

PITTSBURGH – Local attorney Noah Swayne said his eight-year-old son, Ethan, is “solely responsible” for losing a multi-million dollar product liability trial the elder Swayne was trying on Take Your Child to Work Day. “He really stunk up the joint,”

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Posted in Legal News, Local News

Man Sues TV Station for Blurring Face, Claims He Can’t Un-blur It

PITTSBURGH – Noah Swayne, 32, is suing WPXI-TV for blurring his face in a news story last week because, he says, he cannot un-blur it. Swayne’s face was blurred in a report dealing with alleged wrongdoing by his employer.  “Now

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Posted in Legal News, Local News, Media

Giancana: “I Will Go To Copenhagen”

CHICAGO – Sam Giancana, Windy City Bon Vivant and Man About Town, told associates he was going to Copenhagen this evening to assist the International Olympic Committee in deciding the location of the 2016 Summer Games.  Mr. Giancana made his remarks

Posted in Extras, International News, Local News, Sports

Chicago Pulls Out Big Guns, Sends Al Capone to Copenhagen For IOC Vote

COPENHAGEN – Alphonse Gabriel “Al” Capone, Chicago’s favorite son and premier bootlegger and racketeer, arrived in Copenhagen yesterday to pitch Chicago for the 2016 Olympics.  By all accounts, Mr. Capone scored points all day, showing off his world famous charm from the moment he

Posted in International News, Local News, Sports

Shocker: Road to Hell is Paved by the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation

SALT LAKE CITY – An interfaith committee of prominent theologians from around the world has released the findings of a three-year study to study the road to hell.  The committee concluded that the road was paved by the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation.  PennDOT would not confirm

Posted in Local News, Religion

Our Special Commemorative G20 Edition

In today’s Pittsburgh Trib p.m.  See it here

Posted in International News, Local News

Glenn Beck Wanted in Rash of Burglaries After Using Key to City to Break Into Homes, Bank Vaults

MOUNT VERNON, Wash. — The Mayor of Glenn Beck’s hometown, Mount Vernon, Washington, issued a plea for Beck to turn himself into police this morning after authorities issued a warrant for his arrest in connection with a series of burglaries over the weekend

Posted in Local News

Pirates Add G-20 Protesters to Roster

PITTSBURGH – Pirates General Manager Neal Huntington made a scouting visit in the city’s Lawrenceville neighborhood yesterday and quickly signed thirty-two G-20 protesters. He said they would be added to the major league roster immediately. “My chief goal was to find

Posted in International News, Local News, Sports

Pittsburgh Touts Revitalization at G-20, Boards Up Downtown

PITTSBURGH – Last night, visiting dignitaries arrived at the G-20 summit in this former steel capital of the world, which is hoping to use the international stage to showcase its revitalization as a 21st Century economy.  But fears about protesters forced hundreds of local businesses

Posted in International News, Local News

Pittsburgh Replaces Locals With Cardboard Figures For G-20

PITTSBURGH – City officials are telling locals to “stay home” during the G-20 summit to be held in Pittsburgh starting Thursday, because “they just don’t measure up in the looks department.” “The eyes of the world will be on us, and we want

Posted in Local News

Obama Clarifies: Pittsburgh Getting WD-40 Summit, Not G-20

PITTSBURGH – President Obama placed an urgent call to Pittsburgh’s Mayor Luke Ravenstahl today to clarify that the city isn’t getting the G-20 summit, it’s getting the WD-40 summit. “It was a joke that got out of hand,” the President

Posted in International News, Local News

Local Man Insists His Lawn Should be LEED Certified

“Don’t tell me about green! You won’t find a greener yard in all of Blawnox!” says Samuel Blatchford

Posted in Environment, Local News

Henry Louis Gates Files For Divorce, Claims Wife a Racist

Harvard professor says that when he came home early from White House beer summit, Sharon Gates asked him, “What are you doing here?”

Posted in Local News, U.S. News

NOW Says One in Four Women are Assaulted by the Wienermobile

RACINE, Wis. – The Milwaukee Chapter of NOW issued a statement condemning the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile’s crash into a private Racine residence as “an all-too common patriarchal incursion on a woman’s right of privacy by a phallic-like instrument.” NOW’s spokeswoman, Rosacea Swayne, said

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Posted in Gender News, Local News, U.S. News

City Denies New Pedestrian Crossing Sign Shows Contempt for Walkers

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter today reiterated his stance that the city’s new pedestrian crossing signs “are not vulgar” and “do not, in any way, show contempt for pedestrians.”   Nutter explained that the signs reflect a “time-honored

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Posted in Local News

Cops Nab Father Preparing to Sacrifice Son

MOUNT WASHINGTON –  Pittsburgh police yesterday thwarted an attempt by an elderly man to make a human sacrifice of his son on top of Mount Washington. The man, identified as Abraham, or Abram, and his son, Isaac, reportedly traveled three days from

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Posted in Crime, Local News, Religion
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