CLARKSVILLE, PA - All three members of the local Cooper family, husband and wife Harry, 38, and Helen, 35, and their daughter Karen, 16, were brutally dismembered by marauding zombies Saturday night after Mrs. Cooper shut off the floodlights atop the Coopers’ home in observance of Earth Hour. Police say the floodlights were the only thing that deterred the zombies at night.
“Normally, the [floodlights] bathed the entire perimeter of [the Cooper's] property in light and kept the zombies away,” said Sheriff Mick “Mac” McClelland.
“We are investigating the extent of Mr. Al Gore’s responsibility for this attack.”
PITTSBURGH – Police say that a lively, partially clothed, winged youth known only as “Cupid” is a person of interest in a series of bow and arrow attacks throughout the tri-state area.
The suspect’s modus operandi is to fire tiny, non-lethal arrows into the hearts of couples out on a date. Following the attacks, the victims invariably report feelings of romantic attraction for their partners.
Hundreds of citizens gathered in a candlelight vigil in the city’s South Side last night to express outrage that the suspect is still at large.
“If we don’t stop this urban terrorist, we’re sending a message that it’s OK for anybody to go around spreading love among defenseless citizens,” said 74-year-old Samuel Blatchford of East Liberty. “No one is safe!”
PITTSBURGH – Mayor Luke Ravenstahl announced that the Rust Belt Capital of the World will not demolish its iconic domed Civic Arena when the city’s hockey team, the Penguins, vacate it to take up residence in the new Consol Energy Center, but instead will construct an identical domed arena right next to it.
When the “duel arenas” are seen from the air, Ravenstahl explained they will simulate “a beautiful woman.”
The plan is crucial to Pittsburgh’s survival, the Mayor explained, because “our town has gone from a world-class city to a third-rate bupkis, and this will give us much-needed kinkiness cachet.”
“It will be like administering a massive shot of Viagra to the Burgh.”
PITTSBURGH – Local attorney Noah Swayne said his eight-year-old son, Ethan, is “solely responsible” for losing a multi-million dollar product liability trial the elder Swayne was trying on Take Your Child to Work Day.
“He really stunk up the joint,” a furious Swayne said.
The jury deliberated for just ten minutes after Ethan’s closing argument, which included singing, dancing, and air-guitar playing, then returned a $4 million verdict against Swayne’s client, Peerless Can Opener Co. “I thought we had a good chance,” said Swayne, “given that the other attorney let his five-year-old daughter handle his case.”
Swayne said it was good for his son to “get this one under his belt,” and that the experience would “look great” on future law school applications.
Next year, Swayne said, he’ll let Ethan try a death penalty case.
PITTSBURGH – Noah Swayne, 32, is suing WPXI-TV for blurring his face in a news story last week because, he says, he cannot un-blur it.
Swayne’s face was blurred in a report dealing with alleged wrongdoing by his employer. “Now everyone I meet is squinting to see my face clearly,” he said. “Shaving has become impossible. And everyone accuses me of moving when they take my picture.”
WPXI news director Bradleys Roadhouse said that the blurred look “is an improvement for Mr. Swayne.”
CHICAGO – Sam Giancana, Windy City Bon Vivant and Man About Town, told associates he was going to Copenhagen this evening to assist the International Olympic Committee in deciding the location of the 2016 Summer Games.
Mr. Giancana made his remarks during the course of a wire-tapped phone conversation earlier today.
“I will go to Copenhagen,” said Mr. Giancana.” And I’ll show those [expletive deleted] Dutch [expletive deleted] wooden shoe-wearing [expletive deleted] who’s boss. We’re getting the [expletive deleted] summer games, or I’ll be plugging more than [expletive deleted] dikes over there.”
COPENHAGEN – Alphonse Gabriel “Al” Capone, Chicago’s favorite son and premier bootlegger and racketeer, arrived in Copenhagen yesterday to pitch Chicago for the 2016 Olympics.
By all accounts, Mr. Capone scored points all day, showing off his world famous charm from the moment he arrived at the airport.
“I’m in Copenhagen?” Capone quipped to reporters when he stepped off the plane. “I don’t even know what street Copenhagen’s on!” The press corps roared its approval.
After meeting privately with each IOC member, Capone hinted that he thinks he “sealed the deal” despite heavy lobbying for other cities. ”That’s because you can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone,” he explained.
SALT LAKE CITY – An interfaith committee of prominent theologians from around the world has released the findings of a three-year study to study the road to hell.
The committee concluded that the road was paved by the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation.
PennDOT would not confirm the Committee’s conclusion. The Committee said its conclusion is based in part on the fact that the road is is riddled with potholes and that orange barrels are strewn across most of its length.
In today’s Pittsburgh Trib p.m. See it here
MOUNT VERNON, Wash. — The Mayor of Glenn Beck’s hometown, Mount Vernon, Washington, issued a plea for Beck to turn himself into police this morning after authorities issued a warrant for his arrest in connection with a series of burglaries over the weekend in the Mount Vernon area.
Beck was presented with a key to the city during a Saturday evening tribute that capped “Glenn Beck Day” in Mount Vernon. The burglaries commenced immediately after the ceremony.
No signs of forced entry were apparent in any of the break-ins, leading police to conclude that the perpetrator must have had access to each of the buildings and bank vaults burglarized. Beck is the only person known to fit that description.
PITTSBURGH – Pirates General Manager Neal Huntington made a scouting visit in the city’s Lawrenceville neighborhood yesterday and quickly signed thirty-two G-20 protesters. He said they would be added to the major league roster immediately.
“My chief goal was to find people who are able to move of their own volition,” he explained. “I watched them closely, and all of them can walk. I like the way some of them handled the protest signs, which suggests they might be able to swing a bat.”
Huntington said the 22 male protesters he signed would be in uniform tomorrow night. “We’re still looking for uniforms for the ten women we signed.”
PITTSBURGH – Last night, visiting dignitaries arrived at the G-20 summit in this former steel capital of the world, which is hoping to use the international stage to showcase its revitalization as a 21st Century economy.
But fears about protesters forced hundreds of local businesses to board up their windows, giving the city’s downtown a blighted appearance suggesting advanced urban decay.
Several world leaders riding through downtown on their way to hotels conferred and announced they would sponsor a benefit concert to save Pittsburgh. Bono agreed to host the fundraiser, which will be held in the spring of 2010 “somewhere other than Pittsburgh.”
PITTSBURGH - City officials are telling locals to “stay home” during the G-20 summit to be held in Pittsburgh starting Thursday, because “they just don’t measure up in the looks department.”
“The eyes of the world will be on us, and we want to show the world the real Pittsburgh,” explained Mayor Luke Ravenstahl. “Therefore, we’re populating downtown with cardboard figures of good looking people from Hollywood.”
The Mayor listed the advantages of having cardboard people. “They don’t smell, and if they’re in your way, you can knock them over without fear of reprisal.”
The Mayor said the city is going to monitor the experiment closely. “If we like what we see, we might just replace the locals with them permanently.”
PITTSBURGH – President Obama placed an urgent call to Pittsburgh’s Mayor Luke Ravenstahl today to clarify that the city isn’t getting the G-20 summit, it’s getting the WD-40 summit.
“It was a joke that got out of hand,” the President explained. “What were you people smoking to think you’d get the G-20?” the President laughed. “The G-20 is being held in Washington, D.C. this week.”
Despite the misunderstanding, Obama said Pittsburgh should feel proud to host the WD-40. “Did you know that a bus driver in Asia once used WD-40 to remove a python, which had coiled itself around the undercarriage of his bus?”
Mayor Ravenstahl said he wasn’t disappointed because “the traffic will flow more smoothly with all that WD-40 to lubricate it.”
RACINE, Wis. – The Milwaukee Chapter of NOW issued a statement condemning the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile’s crash into a private Racine residence as “an all-too common patriarchal incursion on a woman’s right of privacy by a phallic-like instrument.”
NOW’s spokeswoman, Rosacea Swayne, said that one-in-four women are attacked by the Wienermobile during their lifetimes. Asked by a reporter why these incidents are not well-known, Swayne explained: “Underreporting.” She added: “The fact that no one is reporting all these assaults with Wienermobiles only underscores how prevalent they are.”
Swayne refuted the report that, in this instance, the Wienermobile was driven by a woman and the house it crashed into belonged to a man. “It couldn’t have happened that way. Seriously. Trust me on that one.”
Oscar Mayer issued a statement noting that the Wienermobile would have slid into the home’s garage without causing any damage to the house if it had been properly lathered with K-Y Jelly, consistent with Oscar Meyer corporate policy.
PHILADELPHIA, PA – Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter today reiterated his stance that the city’s new pedestrian crossing signs “are not vulgar” and “do not, in any way, show contempt for pedestrians.”
Nutter explained that the signs reflect a “time-honored tradition” in the City of Brotherly Love, and that they “extend the same courtesy pedestrians, and especially tourists, have always received in Philadelphia.”
MOUNT WASHINGTON – Pittsburgh police yesterday thwarted an attempt by an elderly man to make a human sacrifice of his son on top of Mount Washington.
The man, identified as Abraham, or Abram, and his son, Isaac, reportedly traveled three days from the land of Canaan at the request of an omniscient, omnipresent entity known as Yahweh.
”We’re trying to track down this Yahweh character, because we’d like to ask him a few questions,” said Detective Doug Wagner.
MAYFIELD – Alice Landers, long-time third grade teacher at Spiro Agnew Elementary School, was indicted on charges that she repeatedly molested 16-year-old Theodore “Beaver” Cleaver, a former student of Landers.
The indictment states that Miss Landers engaged in sexual relations with Cleaver on a regular basis over the course of six years, plying him with alcohol and drugs during their illicit trysts.
Miss Landers’ attorney, Joseph N. Welch, said that Cleaver’s claims are false, and that it was Cleaver who raped Miss Landers on a systematic basis. “Young Master Cleaver has proven time and time again – in fact, on a weekly basis — that he has no compunction about lying to authority figures in order to extricate himself from the consequences of his own wrongdoing. Only later does he recant his fabrication in a sentimental denouement that gives every appearance of character growth. Yet the following week, young Theodore reverts back to lying to save his ass, as if the previous episode never occurred.”