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Recent News Items
- Obama Admits He’s Pals With William Ayers, Vows to Have Ex-Terrorist Serve America by Bombing Wall Street
- Hecklers Call For Palin to Iron Their Shirts - And She Does It
- Carbolic Opinion Poll
- Underdog Scientists Win Nobel Prize for Chemistry, Winners Celebrate With Champagne Baths, Victory Cigars
- CAMPAIGN TRAIL SHOCKER: Obama Announces He’s Dropping Out of Race, Going on Tour With Ann Wilson
- McCain Caught on Video Using Hate Speech to Select a Donut
- AIG Execs Defend Swanky Junket, Say No Bailout Money Used to Pay For Event
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Reports From the Trail
Authorities say actor “inhaled some smoke,” won’t say what kind
Asked what might happen to the city’s fragile mental state if the White Sox are eliminated too, Mayor Daley replied, “The who?”
MEDIA, PA - Republican running mates John McCain and Sarah Palin today apologized to citizens of this Delaware County town after what a campaign spokesman called “an understandable reflex” when they denounced it before a once-enthusiastic crowd of 8,000 outside the courthouse.
“It’s time we did something about Media,” said Mrs. Palin, the Alaska governor and vice-presidential nominee. “They’re too liberal. They hate America. They are biased, and it shows.”
“You tell ‘em, Sarah,” Mr. McCain interjected. “These Media people are detestable. I sometimes think they want the terrorists to win.”
Gabe Kotter, Beloved Teacher Who Gave “Last Lecture” That Inspired Many, Beaten to Death by Students
BROOKLYN - Gabe Kotter, a teenage troublemaker who returned to his former high school to teach a new generation of delinquents and wrote a best-selling book based on his “last lecture,” was beaten to death by a gang of former students yesterday.
Police have arrested Arnold Horshack of Fire Island, Vinnie Barbarino of Bensonhurst, Frederick Washington, a homeless man, and Juan Epstein of the East Side, and charged them with first degree murder. Authorities said the men were taught by Mr. Kotter over twenty-five years ago, but school records reveal that none of the suspects graduated. Detective Mike Maloney said the men confessed that they were jealous of the notoriety Mr. Kotter had achieved following the news that he was terminally ill.
“Mr. Kot-ter made us sit through those corny speeches every day,” Mr. Washington said in his statement to police. “He bored the hell out of us so bad we all dropped out. We didn’t want him doing that to other kids.”
PITTSBURGH - The Glenshaw, Pennsylvania Kiwanis Club elevated Joseph Stalin to the position of president at the club’s weekly luncheon. The announcement was made by outgoing president Robert “Bob” Lutz.
Mr. Stalin, who is no relation to the former Soviet dictator responsible for the deaths of millions of people, immediately dissolved the executive board that appointed him and had the members arrested.
“I am profoundly grateful to receive this title,” he said. “I assure you I will work tirelessly to bring Kiwanism to the masses not only here in our community, but across the globe.”
PHILADELPHIA, PA - Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter today reiterated his stance that the city’s new pedestrian crossing signs “are not vulgar” and “do not, in any way, show contempt for pedestrians.”
Nutter explained that the signs reflect a “time-honored tradition” in the City of Brotherly Love, and that they “extend the same courtesy pedestrians, and especially tourists, have always received in Philadelphia.”
Several pachyderms days away from giving birth, will raise their babies together
Massachusetts high school boys get wind of plan; 472 sign up to assist.
MAKE-BELIEVE, PA - King Friday XIII, Monarch of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe, said today that PBS’ decision to eliminate Mr. Rogers from its daily schedule will have a “catastrophic effect” on the municipality’s finances.
“The neighborhood has been designated as blighted, and we may soon be forced to file for bankruptcy protection,” the King said. Maintenance of the neighborhood’s iconic trolley has been cut back and, according to Friday, passengers are being told to “ride at their own risk.”
In the wake of PBS’ announcement, crime has spiked and unemployment is expected to rise to 100%. Several Wall Street firms have announced that unless the Neighborhood institutes a 10% Milk and Juice tax, they will be forced to downgrade its bond rating to rock-bottom levels.
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