Buffett publicly scolded rich Uncle Pennybags, the dapper, mustached mascot of a popular board game after Mr. Pennybags tried to donate to the U. S. Community Chest a basket filled with fake, orange $500 bills and bogus deeds to supposedly improved Atlantic City real estate and railroads.

“Pennybags has made a mockery of our charitable efforts,” Mr. Buffett fumed.

Mr. Pennybags took umbrage at Buffett’s remarks. “Buffett has just rolled three sets of doubles, and we all know where that lands him: in jail!”  He added that Mr. Buffett is “just jealous” because Mr. Pennybags recently won second prize in a beauty contest, earning him ten dollars.

Mr. Pennybags said that Mr. Buffett’s rebuke will not deter his charitable giving. He noted that he has written personal appeals to other notable billionaires, including oil baron Jed Clampett, private investor Bruce Wayne, and uncharted desert isle financier Thurston Howell, III.

“I see drivers leaving parking spaces with 15, sometimes 20 minutes remaining on the meter,” said incredulous consumer advocate Carol J. Murray.

“In this recession, people can’t afford to waste time on the meter, so we’re urging everyone to please, please, just sit in their cars until the meter runs out.”

“The morning rush hour is an untapped market for you because you’re not getting to work early enough,” said Dr. Swayne. “Nobody wants to give to a panhandler who’s not industrious enough to get to work on time.”

Dr. Swayne spoke for 90 minutes but no one was in attendance. “I guess we shouldn’t have scheduled the speech for the morning,” Dr. Swayne noted.

“I was tired of my lady. We’d been together so long. Like a worn-out recording of a favorite song.”

Mr. Clinton told Mr. King that he and his old lady had fallen into the same tired old routine. ”So I took out a personal ad in a local newspaper, expressing my dislike of yoga, along with my fondness for making love in the dunes on the Cape.”

The former President attempted to describe additional sex acts he enjoyed performing on the Cape before the CNN censor bleeped his words. 

“When my ad was answered, I told her to meet me at a bar called O’Malleys where we could make our escape.”

Lo and behold, the woman he was wooing was his very own wife.

“Imagine my horror,” he told Mr. King. “All that time I thought I was setting myself up for something strange, and then she walks in.”

“He starts off the same way every time, speaking in that calm, Pilot’s monotone,” she said. “‘We’re next for takeoff,’ is the way he puts it.”

“Then it’s always, ‘We’re in for a little turbulence until I can get it up to a higher altitude, so I’m going to turn on the fasten seat belt sign.’”

“Then we’re going along smoothly, and he has to interrupt it with, ‘Ah, If you look to your left, you’ll see the clock radio over there on the nightstand. And you may be able to see that it glows in the dark.’”

“Then sometimes it gets so quiet, you’d think everybody on board fell asleep. But finally, he says, ‘We’re making our final approach, and we should be on the ground in three minutes. Prepare for landing.’”

“And, yes, sometimes it gets very bumpy at the end. But after he lands, he always grabs that microphone and says, ‘On behalf of your pilot and my co-pilot, Dick, we want to thank you for flying with us, and invite you to join us on future flights.’”

“Then he stands at the door, wearing nothing but his hat, saying, ‘Goodbye. Thanks. Have a nice day. Goodbye. Thanks. Have a nice day.’”

“I know Mary’s been busy lately, helping to persuade an old friend to change his overbearing behavior in his daughter’s life and to see the error of his ways, but when I called, she came,” the President said.

Ms. Worth and Mr. Obama met over coffee and cake in the Oval Office. “You know, this must be the nine millionth time I’ve sat down with someone and dispensed my homespun wisdom and folksy bromides over coffee and cake to help solve a problem, but this visit may be my most satisfying,” said Ms. Worth. “If the President heeds my advice, we’ll be out of this mess in two to three panels, er, days.”

Ms. Worth refused to divulge the contents of her meeting with Mr. Obama.

“You’ll be able to read all about it in the papers over the course of the next nine weeks.”

Ms. Worth is scheduled to meet with the Secretary of State tomorrow about a possible trip to Israel to assist in negotiating an end to the violence in Gaza.