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Recent News Items
- Obama Admits He’s Pals With William Ayers, Vows to Have Ex-Terrorist Serve America by Bombing Wall Street
- Hecklers Call For Palin to Iron Their Shirts - And She Does It
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- Underdog Scientists Win Nobel Prize for Chemistry, Winners Celebrate With Champagne Baths, Victory Cigars
- CAMPAIGN TRAIL SHOCKER: Obama Announces He’s Dropping Out of Race, Going on Tour With Ann Wilson
- McCain Caught on Video Using Hate Speech to Select a Donut
- AIG Execs Defend Swanky Junket, Say No Bailout Money Used to Pay For Event
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Reports From the Trail
BAGHDAD - The Baghdad National Organization for Women paid homage to the female suicide bomber who blew herself up among Shiite pilgrims south of Baghdad yesterday, killing 26. NOW issued a proclamation commending the young woman for ”shattering the glass ceiling and the glass storefont windows, not to mention the glass doors for several blocks. In fact, that bomb pretty much shattered everything.”
NOW bemoaned the fact that when the suicide bomber entered Paradise, she was greeted by only 55 virgins instead of the 72 virgins that typically greet her male counterparts. As previously reported, the disparity reflects the gender wage gap that pays women only 77% of what men make for doing the same work.
NEW YORK - Researchers at the University of Hoboken’s Women’s Studies Department have discovered that a twin brother in the uterus hurts his female twin’s quality of life by reducing her fertility and enhancing her chances of contracting fatal diseases.
The three-year study conducted by Prof. Velveeta Swayne-Lugosi concluded that “patriarchy extends even to the uterus,” and that boy twin fetuses ”exert male privilege over their sisters because the misogynistic Western culture in which they were conceived has taught them to believe they are entitled to subjugate females.”
Prof. Swayne-Lugosi said there is also evidence to suggest that one-in-four female fetuses are raped by their male fetus twins by the end of the first trimester, an act for which the males ”need to be held strictly accountable.” The solution, according to Prof. Swayne-Lugosi, is sensitivity training for every male fetus.
BROOKLYN - David Corbett is insisting that his wife Barbara set a firm time-table for withdrawal from her family reunion this Sunday. Mr. Corbett expressed his concerns on the subject over breakfast yesterday morning.
“We simply cannot go into this thing without an exit strategy,” he said. “We’ve got to get in and get out with as little collateral damage as possible.”
Mrs. Corbett refused to budge. “We’re going to be there for as long as it takes.”
Commentary by Psychiatrist Dr. Noah Swayne:
Startling new evidence shows that late actor Heath Ledger, who died last January after overdosing on pills commonly prescribed for depression, anxiety and insomnia, was very happy on the set of his last film, The Dark Night, and thus was not depressed when he died. Specifically, Carbolic Smoke Ball has obtained stunning photographs that show Ledger smiling ear to ear, including this one.
Some might question whether Ledger’s personal hygiene was all that it should have been — the photos suggest he hadn’t washed his green hair in quite some time and that his lipstick was not applied with care. But from a MENTAL HEALTH PERSPECTIVE, the smile shows he was one happy son-of-a-bitch.
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Barack Obama, the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, unveiled a sweeping plan that will eradicate “future dead beat dads” by garnishing the allowances and wages of all U.S. boys ages 8 to 17. The monies will be used to fund child support obligations the boys will incur when, as adults, they divorce and lose custody of their own children.
Under the plan, every boy will be required to set aside a sum of money based on a sliding scale that will increase each year. An eight-year-old will be required to pay $200 annually; a seventeen-year-old, $2,500. Any boy who fails to make the required payment will be jailed for up to one year.
Obama said the plan is the centerpiece of his domestic policy “because I don’t have any sons,” and because it ”will help me win over Clinton supporters.”
PITTSBURGH, PA - University of Pittsburgh Dean of Students Velveeta Lugosi-Smith declared that the school “has finally achieved 100% diversity” following the departure of Edward Johnson, 19, the college’s last male undergraduate. The student make-up is now entirely female.
Mr. Johnson explained that he dropped out of college in order to deliver pizzas full-time for his brother-in-law’s pizza shop. “I can just as easily play video games and surf the Web for porn without paying tuition,” he confided. Mr. Johnson did not elaborate because, he said, “I’m going to go [masturbate] now.”
Female student residents at Litchfield Towers, Mr. Johnson’s former dormitory, did not welcome the news. ”The women will miss having Johnson,” said sophomore Carla Vanga.
Researchers dismiss widely accepted 1-in-4 figure: “The authors of those studies clearly hated women”
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