Consumer Tip: Wait for Parking Meter to Run Out Before Leaving Space

photo-two-parking-meter1NEW YORK – Commuters are being urged to get their money’s worth out of parking meters by waiting until the meter completely runs out before leaving the parking space. 

“I see drivers leaving parking spaces with 15, sometimes 20 minutes remaining on the meter,” said incredulous consumer advocate Carol J. Murray.

“In this recession, people can’t afford to waste time on the meter, so we’re urging everyone to please, please, just sit in their cars until the meter runs out.”

Jul 27

Consultant to Beggars: “Start Your Day Earlier!”

photo-one-consultantaPITTSBURGH – Dr. Noah Swayne, acclaimed panhandler consultant, was the keynote speaker at the 2009 Panhandler Convention at the David Lawrence Convention Center. Dr. Swayne’s speech, “The Early Bird Catches the Worm,” implored panhandlers to start their day earlier to make more money.

“The morning rush hour is an untapped market for you because you’re not getting to work early enough,” said Dr. Swayne. “Nobody wants to give to a panhandler who’s not industrious enough to get to work on time.”

Dr. Swayne spoke for 90 minutes but no one was in attendance. “I guess we shouldn’t have scheduled the speech for the morning,” Dr. Swayne noted.

Apr 8

Carbolic Exclusive: Bristol Palin Calls Off Wedding Due to Boyfriend’s Affair With Cougar

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Mar 12

Juno is “Pissed” That Her Boyfriend is Octuplet Father

junoShe is so upset, she is at a loss for erudite wisecracks.

Mar 4

Thousands of Men Claim to be Father of the Octuplets

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Feb 27

Bill Clinton Surprised to Find Wife Enjoys Pina Coladas and Getting Caught in the Rain

pina_coladaWASHINGTON – Bill Clinton said he was shocked to discover that his wife Hillary enjoyed pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Mr. Clinton made his remarks in a Saturday interview on “Larry King Live.”

“I was tired of my lady. We’d been together so long. Like a worn-out recording of a favorite song.”

Mr. Clinton told Mr. King that he and his old lady had fallen into the same tired old routine. ”So I took out a personal ad in a local newspaper, expressing my dislike of yoga, along with my fondness for making love in the dunes on the Cape.”

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Feb 10

Octuplet Mom Reveals She’s Finding it Tough to Get a Date

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Feb 6

Hero Pilot’s Wife Tells All: “In Bed, He Talks Like He’s Flying a Plane!”

photo-one-sullenberger1DANVILLE, CALIFORNIA – Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger, the heroic pilot who miraculously landed a US Airways jet into the Hudson River, talks like a pilot in bed, said his wife, Lorrie Sullenberger, on Larry King Live last night.

“He starts off the same way every time, speaking in that calm, Pilot’s monotone,” she said. “‘We’re next for takeoff,’ is the way he puts it.”

“Then it’s always, ‘We’re in for a little turbulence until I can get it up to a higher altitude, so I’m going to turn on the fasten seat belt sign.’”

“Then we’re going along smoothly, and he has to interrupt it with, ‘Ah, If you look to your left, you’ll see the clock radio over there on the nightstand. And you may be able to see that it glows in the dark.’”

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Jan 28

Obama Meets With Mary Worth to Discuss Ways to Revive Economy

mary_worth_my_humpsWASHINGTON - Faced with mounting opposition from Republican leaders in Congress to his proposed stimulus package and a dire economic prognosis from his top advisors, President Obama met today with the one American capable of providing an effective, sensible solution: Mary Worth.

“I know Mary’s been busy lately, helping to persuade an old friend to change his overbearing behavior in his daughter’s life and to see the error of his ways, but when I called, she came,” the President said.

Ms. Worth and Mr. Obama met over coffee and cake in the Oval Office. “You know, this must be the nine millionth time I’ve sat down with someone and dispensed my homespun wisdom and folksy bromides over coffee and cake to help solve a problem, but this visit may be my most satisfying,” said Ms. Worth. “If the President heeds my advice, we’ll be out of this mess in two to three panels, er, days.”

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Jan 26

First Mother-in-Law Lays Down the Law

photo-five-mother-in-law1“I told Barack and Michelle: no state functions after nine o’clock. If they want to live here, they must abide by my rules.” 

MARIAN ROBINSON, Barack Obama’s mother-in-law, who moved into the White House with the Obamas.

Jan 23

Just a Few Commemorative 2009 Wall Calendars Remaining . . .

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Jan 12

Pressed for Funds, Local “No-Kill” Shelter Becomes “Occasional-Kill”

yoyoSqueezed by a tightening economy and a growing number of abandoned pets, a local ‘no-kill’ animal shelter said it is revising its policies and will now become an ‘accidental kill’ shelter.

“We could never look a puppy in the face and consciously decide that its life is expendable,” said Patricia Summers, director of the Animal Haven Shelter in Ross. “We could never deliberately place the life of any fellow creature beneath that of a human.”

The shelter, which has limited funding, has seen a three-fold intake of unwanted animals and was faced with the decision to feed the influx or lay off four of its 12 employees. A new policy was reached by a vote of the employees.

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Jan 12

Baghdad NOW Lauds Female Suicide Bomber For Shattering Glass Ceiling, Glass Windows, Glass Doors

BAGHDAD – The Baghdad chapter of the National Organization for Women paid homage to the female suicide bomber who blew herself up at a shrine in Baghdad yesterday, killing at least 40.  NOW issued a proclamation commending the young woman for ”shattering the glass ceiling and the glass storefont windows, not to mention the glass doors for several blocks.”

NOW bemoaned the fact that when the suicide bomber entered Paradise, she was greeted by only 55 virgins instead of the 72 virgins that typically greet her male counterparts, noting that this disparity reflects the gender wage gap that pays women only 77% of what men make for doing the same work.

Jan 5

Gay Marriage Debate Still Contentious

lesbian-wedding“We need to decide right now which of us gets to be the one who rolls her eyes, acts as if she’s chronically put-upon, and always gets her way — you know, the woman.”

Jan 5

Local Beggar Takes Credit Cards, Makes a Killing

SPRINGFIELD – Local beggar Carol Murray, who panhandles from the corner of Grant and Seventh Avenues downtown, is having her best year ever because she started accepting credit cards.

“If people say they don’t have any change, I tell them, ‘Not a problem!’ Then I whip out the credit card machine,” said Murray.

Dec 5

Webster’s Finds New Image for Definition of “Yuppie Asshole”

Dec 4

Angelina, Brad Abandon Six Children Under Nebraska’s Safe Haven Law

OMAHA – Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt drove their six children from Los Angeles to an Omaha hospital today and legally abandoned them under Nebraska’s new safe haven law, which allows parents to abandon children as old as 18 at any state-licensed hospital without fear of prosecution.  Thus far, 29 children have been abandoned under the law.

Ms. Jolie told a reporter that the children, three of whom were adopted, ”were just getting to be too much, especially with all the promotion I’m doing for my motion picture The Changeling — please make sure you spell that right.” 

Mr. Pitt agreed.  “Hey, we gave it a try, and it just didn’t work out,” he said.  “I think it’s also important to point out that several of those children were foreigners.”

Oct 31

Local Family Lays Off Three Children

“We’re realigning structure to make the family unit more efficient and responsive, and to more strategically position our household for success in today’s challenging economic environment,” said Chief Operating Father Cornelius Dunn 
 

Oct 30

Feminist Group Protests Use of “Stereotypical Pink” for Breast Cancer Awareness Month

“This is just one more example of an oppressive, patriarchal society perpetuating the tropes that further allow the offensive and hegemonic stereotyping of femininity as pinkness,” said activist Harriet Von Munchausen, who added that “coral, or maybe a light fuschia, would be better” 

Oct 24

Angelina, Brad Want First Dibs to Adopt John Edwards’ Love-Child, “Assuming the Story is True”

Jul 25

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