Bush: “I Almost Picked Sotomayor”

bushlaugh2-11DALLAS – Former President George W. Bush revealed that he almost nominated Judge Sonia Sotomayor to replace Justice Sandra Day O’Connor on the United States Supreme Court but ruled her out “because I thought I’d better pick a judge who speaks English.”

Sotomayor, whose parents were Puerto Rican, was born and raised in the Bronx.

“I did want a woman to replace O’Connor because, you know, the seat was accustomed to a woman’s butt and all,” Bush explained.

Instead, Bush reverted to his second choice, Judge Samuel Alito.  “I was very concerned about picking an Italian, but I interviewed [Alito] in the Oval Office and found that his English is just beautiful, almost like an American’s, and, surprisingly, there was very little speaking with the hands.”

May 27

Ed McMahon Settles Lawsuit Over Broken Neck

ed-copy-of-edmcmahon2-1HOLLYWOOD – Ed McMahon settled his lawsuit against the parties he blamed for the broken neck he suffered in a fall last year.  At Mr. McMahon’s request, the settlement was paid in an oversized check.

If the case had not settled, Jerry Lewis said he was prepared to divert funds from his muscular dystrophy telethon to Mr. McMahon.

May 27

Sotomayor Silhouette Controversy!

dora-silhouette-finalSupreme Court nominee under fire from conservatives, parents, women’s advocacy groups; Judge defends “suggestive” pose, says it helped make the 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals seem “much more hip and fashionable”


May 27

Supreme Court Calls New Star Trek Flick “Totally Bitchin”

startrek_fridayWASHINGTON – The United States Supreme Court issued its long-awaited opinion on the new Star Trekmovie yesterday. The verdict: Totally Bitchin.

The decision was released following a special matinee showing of the blockbuster hit at a downtown multiplex attended by all nine justices.

Writing for the majority, Chief Justice John Roberts called the film “totally bitchin,” and  ”one of the coolest pictures he’s seen in a long time.”

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May 11

Supreme Court Deadlocks Over Retirement Gift for Justice Souter

souterWASHINGTON –  U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts announced yesterday that the Court is unable to reach a consensus among its members on a suitable retirement gift for Justice David Souter.

Mr. Souter announced last week that he is leaving the Court at the end of this term to open a Brothel and Breakfast in his home state of New Hampshire. 

Since a majority decision could not be reached, the Chief Justice said the Court will rely on precedent.

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May 8

Hulk Testifies, Jury Finds Him Incredible

hulk

May 7

Obama’s High Court Nominee: Mystery Woman from Witness Protection Program

nomineeWASHINGTON – President Obama nominated Jane Doe, 60, to fill Justice David Souter’s spot on the Supreme Court.  Doe reportedly has been in the Federal Witness Protection Program for many years, and virtually nothing is known about her.  President Obama said:  “She’s a Hispanic single mom who may, or may not, be here legally, and who speaks very little, if any, English.  She’s exactly what we need on the court.”

High Court watchers say the selection is an attempt to win quick confirmation. “She has zero baggage, because no one knows the first thing about her,” said Professor Joe Besser of Hoboken State Law School.

President Obama touted Ms. Doe’s qualifications to serve on the court.  “Ms. Doe has devoted her entire life to the cause of justice, at least so far as we’ve been able to piece together. But of course, we could be wrong.”

May 5

Carbolic Countdown: Legal Edition

lawyersecrets

Apr 24

Chris Brown Pleads “Not Guilty” to Felony Assault, Guilty to “Bitch-Slappin’ That Ho”

chrisbrownplea“That ain’t a crime. That’s just keepin’ it real,” R&B singer says

Apr 7

Deal Brokered to Merge Afghan, Pakistan Taliban; Central Asia Terror Market Cornered

terrroristAPPALACHIA - In a deal that sent shock waves through the Islamic jihadist world, the Afghanistan Taliban and the Pakistani Taliban have agreed to merge.

The giant Central Asian terror organization will now be known as AfPak. 

According to Mullah Omar, Afpak CEO, the group will use a duck in all of its print and electronic advertising. The duck will not speak, however, as a duck that speaks is unIslamic and an abomination in the eyes of God. 

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Mar 31

Bailiff’s Mix-Up Releases Madoff Instead of Barabbas

madoffaNEW YORK – Minutes after Ponzi scam artist Bernard Madoff, the most hated man in America after Dick Cheney, pled guilty yesterday to eleven counts of fraud in a packed lower Manhattan courtroom, bailiff Bradleys Roadhouse misunderstood Judge Denny Chin’s instructions and accidentally released Madoff instead of infamous first-century insurrectionist Barabbas.

[Madoff is pictured at yesterday's hearing, courtesy of  Brandon Swayne, 5, Brooklyn Kindergarden, guest courtroom artist.]

“After Mr. Madoff pled guilty, I specifically told the bailiff to release Mr. Barabbas, not Mr. Madoff,” explained U.S. District Court Judge Denny Chin.  “We apparently got our signals crossed.”

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Mar 13

Madoff to Get Reduced Sentence in Exchange for Posing as George Washington on New Dollar Bill

madoff-bill1NEW YORK – In a courtroom surprise, it was revealed Tuesday that Bernard Madoff will get a reduced sentence when he pleads guilty Thursday to securities fraud, perjury and other crimes, in exchange for posing as George Washington on the Treasury Department’s new dollar bill.  The new currency will make debut this fall.

Madoff issued a statement explaining the unusual arrangement: “I am pleased to pose as the father of our country on the new dollar bill, and am even more pleased that every time one of the investors I defrauded pulls out a dollar bill, they will see me. That is, if they have a dollar bill.”

Mar 11

Police Finally Solve Chandra Levy Case: Travis the Chimp Killed Her

Chimpanzee AttackConfession found in slain chimpanzee’s diary; primate also admitted to killing Ron Goldman and Nicole Simpson

Feb 23

Chris Brown Accused of Assaulting Liza Minnelli

crhisNEW YORK – Chris Brown was taken into police custody last night after witnesses observed him assaulting singer Liza Minnelli outside a midtown night club.

The two were reportedly heading to a Stephen Sondheim recital at Carnegie Hall, where they were scheduled to perform a medley from “Into The Woods.” Rap artist Snoop Dogg and legendary opera diva Beverly Sills sang the medley instead.  

This is the second time in less than a week that Mr. Brown has been accused of attacking a female singer. Last Sunday, he was arrested for beating up a woman widely believed to be pop singing sensation Rihanna. Rumors that police found a “divas to beat up” list in the glove compartment of Mr. Brown’s vehicle remain unconfirmed.

As if that were not bad enough, late yesterday, fiery Latino superstar Charo said she was withdrawing as the opening act for Mr. Brown’s upcoming summer tour. Mr. Brown’s attorney cried foul, saying he had a signed contract. He also said that Mr. Brown was aware of Ms. Charo’s decision, and that his client most likely would “take a hands-on approach” to resolving the matter.

Feb 16

Simon Cowell Appointed Interim Justice While Ginsberg Recovers

simon20cowellWASHINGTON - Simon Cowell the cruel, acerbic television personality who sits in judgment of amateur performers each week on Fox Television’s “American Idol,” has been appointed interim associate justice for the United States Supreme Court. The appointment was made after Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg underwent surgery for treatment of pancreatic cancer.

“We don’t know how long Justice Ginsburg will be out of action,” said Chief Justice John Roberts, “but we’ve seen enough of Mr., er Justice Cowell’s body of work to know he’ll due a fine job in her absence.” The Chief Justice made his remarks prior to arguments held yesterday.

Justice Cowell wasted no time in asserting himself during the first case called, frequently joining Justice Thomas and Justice Scalia in a series of eye-rolls and pantomimed vomiting. “That was a nightmare. It was the worst performance I’ve ever seen,” said Justice Cowell to lead counsel for Owens Corning Laboratories. “Honestly, I think I’m going to be sick.”

When the attorney ran from the Court in tears, Justice Cowell remained steadfast in his opinion. “We’re the ones who should be crying,” he told his colleagues on the bench. “We’re the ones who had to suffer through that.”

Feb 6

Texas Court Exonerates Dead Inmate

jailJudge overturns Samuel Blatchford’s conviction, but fails to overturn his execution


Feb 6

Blagojevich Ousted by Illinois Senate 59-0; Ex-Governor Rips Legislators for Running Up the Score, Not Invoking Mercy Rule

blagojevich

Jan 30

Howard Stern Hires New “Stuttering John”

johnhoward

Jan 22

Alfred Hitchcock a Person of Interest in Connection with Birds that Caused US Airways Crash

alfred-hitchcock

Jan 19

Police Fear Court Decision Outlawing Executions of Low IQ Inmates Will Trigger Reign of Terror by the Retarded

police-12WASHINGTON - Police across America are on high alert due to fears that the Supreme Court’s decision in State v. Murray barring executions of low IQ inmates will prompt a crime wave by the retarded if they realize they can murder without paying the ultimate penalty.

Hoboken State University law professor Noah Swayne explained there is ample precedent supporting the decision not to subject persons to the death penalty who cannot comprehend that they are to be executed.  “The legal rationale is that half the fun of the death penalty is knowing the prisoner is shitting bricks waiting to be offed,” explained Swayne. ”You don’t get that with low IQ inmates.”

Police are warning Americans not to antagonize the retarded in light of the court’s decision.  “If [the retarded] realize they can murder with impunity, we will see an unprecedented crime wave from coast to coast,” explained New York City Police Commisioner Robert Haas.  “The thing we have in our favor is that they probably won’t figure it out.”

Jan 12

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