Blog Archives
First Monday in October: Supreme Court Introduces New Court Crier Michael “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” Buffer
WASHINGTON - U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Roberts promised court watchers a more “fan friendly judicial branch” as the high court launches a new term today. The most obvious change is that legendary ring announcer Michael Buffer has been named court crier and will start…
Posted in Legal News, U.S. News
Kagan Surprises Senate Judiciary Committee With Home Made Cookies
WASHINGTON - Elena Kagan, President Obama’s choice to replace retiring Justice John Paul Stevens on the United States Supreme Court, moved one step closer to confirmation yesterday when she surprised the Senate Judiciary Committee with two dozen freshly baked cookies. Senator Jeff…
Furious Justice Stevens Victim of Whoopee Cushion Prank To Open Last Day On Supreme Court
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Justice John Paul Stevens sat on a whoopee cushion prior to the beginning of oral arguments Monday on his final day as a member of the United States Supreme Court and sent his colleagues into convulsions of laughter.…
Obama Nominates Woman From Witness Protection Plan To High Court
WASHINGTON – The White House revealed that Elena Kagan, nominated on Monday to fill Justice John Paul Stevens’ seat on the Supreme Court, has been in the Federal Witness Protection Program, WITSEC, for the past two decades and only acquired her…
Local Lawyer Blames Eight-Year-Old Son for Losing Trial
PITTSBURGH – Local attorney Noah Swayne said his eight-year-old son, Ethan, is “solely responsible” for losing a multi-million dollar product liability trial the elder Swayne was trying on Take Your Child to Work Day. “He really stunk up the joint,”…
Supreme Court Rules Corporations May Contribute to Supreme Court
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a contentious 5-4 decision authored by Justice Antonin Scalia, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled yesterday that corporations may lend financial support to the Supreme Court. The decision follows closely on the court’s holding last month that corporations may…
Roman Polanski Cuts Plea Bargain, Will Wear Sign Outside Mall: “I Had Quasi-Consensual Sex With A 13-Year-Old”
LOS ANGELES – Roman Polanski has worked out a plea bargain with the Los Angeles District Attorney’s office that will keep him out of prison but will force him to wear a sign outside the Beverly Center Mall every day for one…
Sandra Day O’Connor Wants Supreme Court Seat Back, Tells Sotomayor to “Take A Hike”
WASHINGTON – Sandra Day O’Connor, who retired from the Supreme Court in 2005 to care for her ailing husband, says she wants her seat back now that her husband, John J. O’Connor, III, is dead. Mr. O’Connor died Wednesday of…
Roethlisberger’s Former Lovers Subpoenaed for Depositions in “Rape” Trial
Sotomayor Spontaneously Combusts, Firefighter Frank Ricci Suggests Letting Fire Burn Itself Out
WASHINGTON – Wise but fiery Latina Judge Sonia Sotomayor spontaneously combusted at her Senate confirmation hearing yesterday while listening to the testimony of white firefighter Frank Ricci, one of the men she ruled against in a celebrated reverse discriminaton case. “I…
Sotomayor Says She Uses Mood Ring to Decide Cases
WASHINGTON – On the first day of her Supreme Court confirmation hearing, Judge Sonia Sotomayor told the Senate Judiciary Committee that if confirmed, she will rely on her “mood ring” to decide cases. A mood ring contains a thermochromic liquid crystal that…
Shocking Coincidence: Fireman-Stripper Hired to Entertain Sotomayor Was Frank Ricci – Plaintiff in Controversial Discrimination Case
NEW YORK – File this one away in the “it’s a small world” drawer. Judge Sonia Sotomayor’s colleagues on the Second Circuit Court of Appeals threw a farewell party for her yesterday in anticipation of her appointment to the United…
Scalia, Alito Fined for Excessive Celebrating Following Reversal of Sotomayor Decision
Later, Justices fete Justice Souter in retirement luncheon at Olive Garden WASHINGTON - Supreme Court Justices Antonin Scalia and Samuel Alito were fined $250 for engaging in excessive celebrating following the announcement of the high court’s decision in Ricci v. DeStafano, which reversed Supreme Court nominee…
Sotomayor Reveals Membership in All-Women’s Club of Warriors
WASHINGTON – Supreme Court nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor revealed that she is a member of a group of all-female warriors called The Amazons. The organization, which claims to predate the Trojan War, describes itself as “helping women pursue more significant dreams, ambitions,…
Breaking News: Justice Ginsburg Blocks Brake Fluid Flush to Local Man’s Plymouth Volaré
WASHINGTON – Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg issued an order stopping Jupiter Chrysler Plymouth of Chevy Chase, Maryland from making repairs to Noah Swayne’s 1981 Plymouth Volaré, including a long-awaited brake fluid flush, sources close to Mr. Swayne revealed. Mr. Swayne, a Bethesda construction worker,…
Sotomayor Admits She is Member of “Sharks,” Deceased Boyfriend Was Member of “Jets”
WASHINGTON – Documents provided by Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor reveal that she is a member of the Puerto Rican gang the “Sharks,” which struggles for control of the neighborhood against the American gang the “Jets.” The documents also shed light on…
Zombies Ate My Headlines won a Gold Medal at the 2009 Independent Publisher Awards as the Best Humor Book of the Year. And we didn't even have to bribe the selection committee.
