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Reports From the Trail
LAS VEGAS - The twelve jurors who convicted O.J. Simpson of armed robbery, an adjudication that Simpson’s lawyer Yale Galanter called payback for Simpson’s murder acquittal in 1995, were spotted boarding a plane to France last night where they planned to exact payback for fugitive motion picture director Roman Polanski’s sexual assault of a minor in 1977. Polanski was convicted of the crime but fled the United States before sentencing.
“We’re going to make things right for the little girl that monster raped,” said a juror who asked not to be identified. He refused to say what the jury planned to do to Polanski but promised “it will be something lingering, with boiling oil in it, I fancy.”
After France, the jurors plan to head to Hyannis Port, Massachussetts, where they will “make things right” for the family of Mary Jo Kopechne, the young woman who drowned when Senator Ted Kennedy drove off a bridge and then failed to report the accident to police for ten hours.
WASHINGTON - U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Roberts promised court watchers a more “fan friendly judicial branch” as the high court launches a new term today. The most obvious change is that legendary ring announcer Michael Buffer has been named court crier and will start each session with his signature catchphrase, “Let’s get ready to rumble.”
The other major change, inspired by Major League Baseball’s “at-bat” music, is that each Justice will enter the court to introductory music of his or her own choosing. Most justices are keeping their tunes under their robes for now but Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg revealed she has selected the theme from “Rocky,” and Justice Antonin Scalia told a reporter he is “just wild about” the folk standard “Pop Goes the Weasel.”
The move is seen by some legal scholars as an attempt to win back fans turned off by the Court’s work stoppage last year. Last spring’s short-lived experiment with a “hot-dog” toss between cases was abadoned when an adult novelty male organ somehow got launched into the gallery instead of an edible wiener, giving certain of the male justices a “complex” because of its size.
LAS VEGAS - After O.J. Simpson’s counsel rested in Mr. Simpson’s robbery trial, Mr. Simpson realized for the first time that Judge Lance Ito, the jurist who presided over his celebrated 1995 murder trial, is not presiding.
“Hey, where the hell’s Lance?” a startled Mr. Simpson exclaimed as he glanced up and saw Clark County District Court Judge Jackie Glass on the bench. “What’s going on here?” he asked his attorney Yale Galanter. “Is this some kind of joke?”
Mr. Galanter explained that Judge Ito, a Los Angeles Superior Court Judge, has no jurisdiction over the present charges. Mr. Simpson was heard angrily reprimanding Mr. Galanter. “We’re finished! Do you hear me? Didn’t I tell you to assemble the old gang? That’s the only way we can win this thing. I don’t know what the hell you were thinking.
“In all of our clinical trials,” said FDA Commissioner Andrew von Eschenbach, “the drug has never once enabled a man and a woman to get it on while sitting in separate bathtubs.”
LAS VEGAS - Jury selection was halted in O.J. Simpson’s robbery and kidnapping trial yesterday when Simpson’s lawyers filed a motion asking that the same jury panel that acquitted him of murdering his wife in 1995 be appointed to decide this case.
“The jurors who adjudicated the previous case already know me; they know the kind of man I am,” Simpson’s motion said. “In contrast, appointing a brand new jury that would have to get to know me all over again would unnecessarily squander precious judicial resources.”
Simpson denies charges that he entered a Las Vegas hotel room on September 13 2007 to rob a man of sports memorabilia. He maintains that he went to the room to find his wife’s real killer, which he says has been his overriding objective since his murder acquittal.
Osama bin Laden’s driver, Hoke Colburn, is on trial in Guantanamo Bay military court.
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