First Monday in October: Supreme Court Introduces New Court Crier Michael “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” Buffer

WASHINGTON - U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Roberts promised court watchers a more “fan friendly judicial branch” as the high court launches a new term today.  The most obvious change is that legendary ring announcer Michael Buffer has been named court crier and will start each session with his signature catchphrase, “Let’s get ready to rumble.”

The other major change, inspired by Major League Baseball’s “at-bat” music, is that each Justice will enter the court to introductory music of his or her own choosing. Most justices are keeping their tunes under their robes for now but Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg revealed she has selected the theme from “Rocky,” and Justice Antonin Scalia told a reporter he is “just wild about” the folk standard “Pop Goes the Weasel.”

The move is seen by some legal scholars as an attempt to win back fans turned off by the Court’s work stoppage last year.  Last spring’s short-lived experiment with a “hot-dog” toss between cases was abadoned when an adult novelty male organ somehow got launched into the gallery instead of an edible wiener, giving certain of the male justices a “complex” because of its size.

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Oct 4

Kagan Surprises Senate Judiciary Committee With Home Made Cookies

grandma with cookiesWASHINGTON - Elena Kagan, President Obama’s choice to replace retiring Justice John Paul Stevens on the United States Supreme Court, moved one step closer to confirmation yesterday when she surprised the Senate Judiciary Committee with two dozen freshly baked cookies.

Senator Jeff Sessions (R-Alabama), normally a tough inquisitor, was effusive with his praise. “Little lady, if you are as good with case law as you are with a rolling pin, I predict smooth sailing through this Committee.”  The Senator then delivered a ten minute tribute to the delicious, melt-in-your mouth quality of Ms. Kagan’s treats, which he entered into the Congressional Record.

Ms. Kagan attended yesterday’s hearings wearing a broad smile and a flour-covered apron.  She told the Senators she had spent the preceding eight hours in her kitchen hunched over a mixing bowl and a Black’s Law dictionary. 

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Jul 1

Furious Justice Stevens Victim of Whoopee Cushion Prank To Open Last Day On Supreme Court

STEVENSWASHINGTON, D.C. – Justice John Paul Stevens sat on a whoopee cushion prior to the beginning of oral arguments Monday on his final day as a member of the United States Supreme Court and sent his colleagues into convulsions of laughter.

The ninety year old Justice, however, saw no humor at all in what he described as “an affront to the dignity of this institution” during a blistering attack on the perpetrator of the practical joke which he delivered from the bench.

“Let the record show that during my entire tenure as a member of the judicial system of this great nation at no time did I ever once engage in the act of flatulence, either real or imagined, during the performance of my official duties.  To attempt to discredit my character, or impugn my ability to control the release of foul-smelling air from the body cavity of my nether-regions by placing this vile gadget on my chair is an act that could only be conceived by a wretched charlatan of the lowest order.”

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Jun 30

Obama Nominates Woman From Witness Protection Plan To High Court

KaganMum320WASHINGTON – The White House revealed that Elena Kagan, nominated on Monday to fill Justice John Paul Stevens’ seat on the Supreme Court, has been in the Federal Witness Protection Program, WITSEC, for the past two decades and only acquired her current name and identity four months ago.

President Obama on Monday told reporters that Kagan serves as Solicitor General, but administration officials wishing to remain anonymous say they have never heard of her.

One high-ranking official candidly noted that Kagan had plastic surgery in February of this year to alter her appearance, and that she formerly bore “a striking resemblance” to country queen Taylor Swift.

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May 12

Local Lawyer Blames Eight-Year-Old Son for Losing Trial

takechildtowork2PITTSBURGH – Local attorney Noah Swayne said his eight-year-old son, Ethan, is “solely responsible” for losing a multi-million dollar product liability trial the elder Swayne was trying on Take Your Child to Work Day.

“He really stunk up the joint,” a furious Swayne said.

The jury deliberated for just ten minutes after Ethan’s closing argument, which included singing, dancing, and air-guitar playing, then returned a $4 million verdict against Swayne’s client, Peerless Can Opener Co. “I thought we had a good chance,” said Swayne, “given that the other attorney let his five-year-old daughter handle his case.”

Swayne said it was good for his son to “get this one under his belt,” and that the experience would “look great” on future law school applications. 

Next year, Swayne said, he’ll let Ethan try a death penalty case.

Apr 23

Supreme Court Rules Corporations May Contribute to Supreme Court

ScaliaWASHINGTON, D.C. – In a contentious 5-4 decision authored by Justice Antonin Scalia, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled yesterday that corporations may lend financial support to the Supreme Court. 

The decision follows closely on the court’s holding last month that corporations may contribute to political candidates. 

Democratic lawmakers condemned the ruling, saying it will invite special interests to sway the court’s decisions.  Justice Scalia answered critics by donning a jacket during oral argument covered with ads paid for by corporations.

Feb 19

Man Sues TV Station for Blurring Face, Claims He Can’t Un-blur It

photo-1-blurry-facePITTSBURGH – Noah Swayne, 32, is suing WPXI-TV for blurring his face in a news story last week because, he says, he cannot un-blur it.

Swayne’s face was blurred in a report dealing with alleged wrongdoing by his employer.  “Now everyone I meet is squinting to see my face clearly,” he said. “Shaving has become impossible.  And everyone accuses me of moving when they take my picture.”

WPXI news director Bradleys Roadhouse said that the blurred look “is an improvement for Mr. Swayne.” 

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Dec 10

Roman Polanski Cuts Plea Bargain, Will Wear Sign Outside Mall: “I Had Quasi-Consensual Sex With A 13-Year-Old”

RomanLOS ANGELES – Roman Polanski has worked out a plea bargain with the Los Angeles District Attorney’s office that will keep him out of prison but will force him to wear a sign outside the Beverly Center Mall every day for one week that says: “I had quasi-consensual sex with a 13-year-old girl.”

Polanski pled guilty in 1977 to one count of engaging in unlawful sexual intercourse with then-13-year-old Samantha Geimer, but he fled to France before sentencing. 

Polanski’s lawyer said the humiliation of wearing a sign is almost more punishment than the iconic director can bear.  A major sticking point was the wording of the sign. Polanski insisted on using the term “consensual,” but the D A’s office held firm about including the word “quasi.”  The other hold-up was Polanski’s insistence on specifically stating that the 13-year-old was a girl because “I don’t want people to think I’m a queer.”

Polanski also must agree “never to do it again,” which he said won’t be difficult since Ms. Geimer is now 45 years old and  “have you gotten a look at her lately?”

Nov 13

Sandra Day O’Connor Wants Supreme Court Seat Back, Tells Sotomayor to “Take A Hike”

imagesaaWASHINGTON – Sandra Day O’Connor, who retired from the Supreme Court in 2005 to care for her ailing husband, says she wants her seat back now that her husband, John J. O’Connor, III, is dead. Mr. O’Connor died Wednesday of complications from Alzheimer’s disease.

Former Justice O’Connor has confided to friends that the newest member of the Court, Sonia Sotomayor, should “take a hike” so O’Connor can return.

“She said, ‘The bitch should split,’ and that’s an exact quote,” said a close friend of  the O’Connor family who spoke on condition of anonymity.  A former O’Connor aide said the retired Justice recently asked him:  ”‘What the hell kind of name is ‘Sonia’ anyway?  Is that some kind of goofy Puerto Rican tribal thing or something?”

Nov 12

Roethlisberger’s Former Lovers Subpoenaed for Depositions in “Rape” Trial

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Sep 11

Coroner Declares Jackson “King of Prop”

KingofProp

Aug 25

Sotomayor Spontaneously Combusts, Firefighter Frank Ricci Suggests Letting Fire Burn Itself Out

Fire1WASHINGTON – Wise but fiery Latina Judge Sonia Sotomayor spontaneously combusted at her Senate confirmation hearing yesterday while listening to the testimony of white firefighter Frank Ricci, one of the men she ruled against in a celebrated reverse discriminaton case.  

“I could see her getting flush while Ricci was speaking,” said Sen. Arlen Specter, R D-Pa.  “But I had no idea she was about to blow.”

Flames suddenly shot out from Sotomayor’s hair, fingers and feet, and pandemonium erupted in the smoke-filled hearing chamber.  “Is there a firefighter in the house?”  yelled Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-Vermont.  Mr. Ricci casually looked down at his notes, ignoring the inferno.  Ricci later told reporters he believed the best tactic to control the blaze was isolation.  “It needed to burn itself out,” he said.

Republican Senators vowed a quick vote on the confirmation of Sotomayor’s charred remains.

Jul 17

Sotomayor Says She Uses Mood Ring to Decide Cases

MoodRingWASHINGTON – On the first day of her Supreme Court confirmation hearing, Judge Sonia Sotomayor told the Senate Judiciary Committee that if confirmed, she will rely on her “mood ring” to decide cases.  A mood ring contains a thermochromic liquid crystal that changes color in response to body temperature and indicates the wearer’s emotional state.

“When I hear an oral argument, I will carefully monitor the color of my [mood] ring so that I have an accurate gauge of my emotional reaction to it,” she testified.  “That’s how I intend to decide cases.”

In nominating Sotomayor for the high court, President Obama publicly stated that he was looking for a judge with “empathy.”  He later clarified that remark:  “By ‘empathy’ I mean ‘a mood ring,’” the President told MSNBC.

Sotomayor candidly admitted that in using her mood ring to decide cases on the Second Court of Appeals, it has never once changed to “blue,” indicating warm and happy feelings, for a white male litigant.  ”White males almost always cause the ring to change to dark red or black, indicating anger and fear,” she explained.

Jul 14

Shocking Coincidence: Fireman-Stripper Hired to Entertain Sotomayor Was Frank Ricci – Plaintiff in Controversial Discrimination Case

FiremanStripperNEW YORK – File this one away in the “it’s a small world” drawer.

Judge Sonia Sotomayor’s colleagues on the Second Circuit Court of Appeals threw a farewell party for her yesterday in anticipation of her appointment to the United States Supreme Court.  What Sotomayor’s colleagues did not know was that the fireman stripper they hired was Frank Ricci, the New Haven firefighter who sued the city claiming it discriminated against him because he is white. 

Judge Sotomayor and two judges on the Second Circuit ruled against Ricci, but the United States Supreme Court recently reversed their decision.

After Ricci’s performance yesterday, the judge said she’d never rule against him again.

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Jul 10

Scalia, Alito Fined for Excessive Celebrating Following Reversal of Sotomayor Decision

supremecourtsLater, Justices fete Justice Souter in retirement luncheon at Olive Garden

WASHINGTON - Supreme Court Justices Antonin Scalia and Samuel Alito were fined $250 for engaging in excessive celebrating following the announcement of the high court’s decision in Ricci v. DeStafano, which reversed Supreme Court nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor’s decision and held that white firefighters in New Haven, Connecticut were unfairly denied promotions because of their race.

Immediately after the decision was announced in the Supreme Court Monday afternoon, Scalia and Alito leaped from their chairs and climbed over the bench.  Scalia launched into an impromptu Chicken Dance, then pretended to pull down his pants and moon Justice Ginsburg, author of the dissenting opinion.  Alito spiked his copy of the decision into the carpet, then performed an impressive double back-flip.

Chief Justice Roberts shook his head with bemusement and said with a chuckle, “these celebrations are getting out of hand.”

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Jun 30

Sotomayor Reveals Membership in All-Women’s Club of Warriors

amazonWASHINGTON – Supreme Court nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor revealed that she is a member of a group of all-female warriors called The Amazons. 

The organization, which claims to predate the Trojan War, describes itself as “helping women pursue more significant dreams, ambitions, purposes and spiritual fulfillment as they prepare for the inevitable final battle with men.” 

Judge Sotomayor insisted that the organization does not discriminate against men.  “Once a year, to prevent our ranks from dying out, we visit an all-male club in order to mate.” 

“We treat any resulting male children from these visits in the most humane way possible,” Sotomayor explained.  “We do not kill them.  We merely leave them exposed to the wilderness.  Anyone who wants them, even their fathers, I suppose, are permitted to come and get them.  This humane treatment of males is, after all, consistent with what a wise Latina would do.”

Jun 18

Sotomayor’s Strong Courtroom Manner Becomes Issue

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Jun 11

Breaking News: Justice Ginsburg Blocks Brake Fluid Flush to Local Man’s Plymouth Volaré

ginsburg-cancerWASHINGTON – Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg issued an order stopping Jupiter Chrysler Plymouth of Chevy Chase, Maryland from making repairs to Noah Swayne’s 1981 Plymouth Volaré, including a long-awaited brake fluid flush, sources close to Mr. Swayne revealed.

Mr. Swayne, a Bethesda construction worker, had “no idea” why the Justice singled out his car in her two-sentence order, but suspects it “must have something to do with the time me and my buddies [urinated] on [fellow construction worker] Devon Crane when he was [feces]-faced passed out.”

Italian automaker Fiat, looking to acquire a controlling stake in Chrysler, expressed “alarm” over Justice Ginsburg’s order, and is considering filing a motion to expedite final resolution of the controversy “given that the brake fluid in that particular car hasn’t been replaced in almost five years.”

Jun 10

Sotomayor Admits She is Member of “Sharks,” Deceased Boyfriend Was Member of “Jets”

west_side_story_22343tWASHINGTON – Documents provided by Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor reveal that she is a member of the Puerto Rican gang the “Sharks,” which struggles for control of the neighborhood against the American gang the “Jets.”

The documents also shed light on Sotomayor’s tumultuous love affair with a youth known only as ”Tony,” who was a member of the rival Jets gang.  Mr. Tony was gunned down in a street brawl by a Mr. Chino, a member of the Sharks, in apparent retaliation for Mr. Tony’s murder of Sotomayor’s brother, Bernardo, in a fit of rage.

Other documents raise questions about Sotomayor’s loyalty to America. In one instance, Sotomayor refused to join other young women of Puerto Rican heritage in singing “I like to be in America, Okay by me in America, Everything free in America . . . .”

Jun 5

Obama Says Sotomayor’s “Castrate White Males” Comment Taken Out of Context

sotoWASHINGTON – President Obama said that comments by Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor in a 2004 speech in which she called for the “castration of all white males until they are no longer dominant,” have been “taken out of context” by right wing ideologues.

In the speech delivered to the San Juan chapter of NOW, Sotomayor said, “I want to be perfectly clear about this next comment so that there is no mistaking my words to mean something other than what they plainly say: the time has come to end white male oppression by castrating every white male until they are no longer dominant in Western culture. That means forcible removal of their testicles. I realize the brutality of  my comment, and I don’t know how to say it more clearly.”

It was revealed that Sotomayor used precisely the same language in seven other speeches.

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs agreed with President Obama that the statement “has been taken out of context,” and added that Sotomayor “certainly did not mean” that white males should be castrated.  “Judge Sotomayor was simply saying that there should be room at the American table for diverse cultures, that’s all. It is astounding that people are reading ‘castration’ into it.”

President Obama told MSNBC:  ”Look, when Judge Sotomayor appears before the Senate committee, all this nonsense being spewed out by ideologues will be revealed for what it is.”

Jun 2

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