CSB EXCLUSIVE: Luge That Killed Georgian Olympian Was Manufactured by Toyota

ToyotaLugeVANCOUVER – Carbolic Smoke Ball sources have confirmed that Georgian Olympian Nodar Kumaritashvili, who died Friday after crashing during a training run, was riding a luge manufactured by the Toyota Motor Corporation at the time of his accident.

Though Georgian officials blame the speed of the track and IOC officials fault the inexperience of the luger, Royal Canadian Mounted Police investigators now believe that Kumaritashvili’s crash was caused by a design flaw in the sled.

Since 2004, federal regulators have received complaints of 34 deaths in accidents linked to sudden acceleration problems in Toyota models, mostly hybrids and small SUVs. Kumaritashvili’s is the first death linked to the company’s popular IceRunner luge model.

Sources inside the RCMP’s Nordic Traffic Division tell Carbolic Smoke Ball that a “fairly common sequence” of “thigh squeezing and buttock clenching” can cause the sled’s runners to accelerate uncontrollably.

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Feb 17

US Airways Plane Hits Iceberg, Sinks

plane-1FAA calls on-time performance of flock of birds that brought down plane ”unsatisfactory”

NEW YORK – A US Airways jetliner crashed into the frigid Hudson River yesterday after a collision with a flock of birds disabled its engines. The plane then struck a small iceberg, which the FAA has officially ruled as the cause of the accident, and proceeded to sink. Witnesses reported that the plane’s band played “Nearer, My God, to Thee,” as the aircraft disappeared into the icy waters.

All passengers were rescued, except for a stowaway named Jack Dawson, who inexplicably insisted on submerging his body in the sub-zero waters while his girlfriend, a teary-eyed Kate Winslet, straddled herself on a lifeboat. Ms. Winslet allegedly left a priceless necklace aboard the plane. 

US Airways spokesman Noah Swayne said that the airline was “amazed” that the plane’s seat flotation devices actually worked. “Never in the history of commercial aviation have we used those things,” Swayne chuckled. “When a plane crashes, let’s be honest, usually everybody dies. We always thought those seat flotation devices were a joke.”

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Jan 16

CARBOLIC EXCLUSIVE: Barack Obama Helped Bill Ayers Plant Bombs in the 60s

We’ve already shown that Barack Obama’s ties to domestic terrorists run far deeper than he admits. Now, in the fourth and final part of our Carbolic Smoke Ball Investigative Report, we detail the most shocking truth yet: that Sen. Obama was the youngest and deadliest member of the Weather Underground.

WASHINGTON, DC - Long before he befriended atomic spies Ethel and Julius Rosenberg, chanted “death to Kennedy” at Dallas movie theaters with his best buddy Lee Harvey Oswald, or went fertilizer shopping with his protege Timothy McVeigh, Barack Obama was an eight-year-old errand boy who planted bombs for Williams Ayers’ subversive Weather Underground in the late 1960s. 

Ayers chuckles every time he hears Obama say that he was only eight-years-old when Ayers did some despicable things. “What he forgets to mention is that he was right there with me.” Ayers calls Obama “the best ‘planter’ in the entire outfit. I couldn’t have done it without him.” 

Wily beyond his years, Obama could always manage to get his little blue tricycle past any guard in any government building. “He’d look at them with those big innocent eyes and ask them if they wanted to hear him sing a negro spiritual. Sometimes he’d do a little tap dance for them, you know, pretending he was a miniature Sammy Davis, Jr. They’d all smile and say, ‘Ahh, what a cute little black kid’ and just let him pass. Nobody ever seemed to notice the dynamite strapped to his handlebars.”

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Nov 3

Barack Obama Knew, Often Played Charades With, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg

Barack Obama’s ties to domestic terrorists run far deeper, and are far more disturbing, than he’s been willing to admit. We uncover the shocking truth about how much the Democratic nominee for president hates the government he wants to lead and the country he hopes to change. 

Third in a Four-Part Carbolic Smoke Ball Investigative Report.

WASHINGTON, DC – Long before he ever went fertilizer shopping with Timothy McVeigh, Barack Obama befriended two other subversive, disaffected conspiracists who would soon become America’s first couple of domestic terror and espionage.

Obama met Julius and Ethel Rosenberg in July of 1943 at a dinner party to honor Rashid “Wiz” Khalifa, the controversial Palestinian scholar and hip-hop artist whose breakthrough single, “Start Snitchin’,” was the first big hit for PLO Records. At the party, hosted by NKVD Record Mogul Alexandre Feklisov, Obama and the Rosenbergs formed an uneatable Charades team, trouncing every team that dared to challenge them throughout the night. “We were unstoppable,” Obama wrote in his best-selling book, Sounds Like…Memoir. “We got each other’s clues right away, and answers would pass between us as if we could keep no secrets. I knew then that we would be two words, one syllable each: good friends.”

After that fateful night, Obama and the Rosenbergs made regular appearances at dinner parties and fundraisers and later at The Russian Tea Room in New York City, taking on all challengers and never once losing a game. The trio’s finest moment came in a 1944 exhibition match, when they defeated the reigning National Charades Champions, a team consisting of Roy Cohn, Joe McCarthy, and Judge Irving Kaufman. “I had a feeling they might hold a grudge,” Obama wrote in one of his memoirs.  

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Oct 31

Barack Obama Knew, Often Went Fertilizer Shopping With, Timothy McVeigh

Barack Obama’s ties to domestic terrorists run far deeper, and are far more disturbing, than he’s willing to admit. We uncover the truth about how much Sen. Obama hates the government he wants to lead and the country he hopes to change. 

Second in a Four-Part Carbolic Smoke Ball Investigative Report.

WASHINGTON, DC – Thirty years after he last went to the movies with Lee Harvey Oswald, Barack Obama befriended another shy, quiet, profoundly angry young man who would soon become one of America’s most infamous domestic terrorists.

Obama met Timothy McVeigh in the Garden Center of a suburban Illinois Home Depot in May of 1993, a little less than two years before McVeigh carried out what was then the deadliest peace-time attack in US history. The two struck up a conversation over perennial bulbs and mulch, then ran into each other again at a God Damn America Rally co-sponsored by Trinity United Church of Christ and the Northern Illinois Militia. By the end of the night, after an especially spirited debate over the use of religious symbolism in The Turner Diaries, the two had become friends.  

Obama long refused to talk about, or even to acknowledge, his close friendship with the late Oklahoma City bomber, but recently declassified ATF and FBI documents suggest the two spent countless hours together playing basketball, discussing Constitutional Law, and shopping for ammonium nitrate fertilizers. Obama liked to trash-talk “Timmy V” on the court, telling him repeatedly to “Give it up, because white men can’t jump.” “That’s alright,” McVeigh would respond, “because black men can’t be president.”

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Oct 30

Barack Obama Knew, Often Went to the Movies With, Lee Harvey Oswald

Barack Obama’s ties to domestic terrorists run far deeper, and are far more disturbing, than he’s willing to admit. We uncover the shocking truth about how much the Illinois Senator really does hate the government he wants to lead and the country he plans to change. 

First in a Four-Part Carbolic Smoke Ball Investigative Report.

WASHINGTON, DC – A newly uncovered footnote from the Warren Commission Report reveals that twenty minutes after he murdered President John F. Kennedy, Lee Harvey Oswald met Barack Obama, the man he often called “my brother,” at the Texas Theater in Dallas. 

The two friends sat together in their usual spot, fifth row center, and watched “War is Hell,” starring Baynes Barron, their favorite actor. Fifteen minutes into the film, both men stood up, raised their fists in the air, and shouted: “Death to Kennedy! Death to Kennedy!” Oswald then asked Obama if he “felt like popcorn,” and Obama volunteered to get some at the refreshment counter. While Obama was in the lobby, police entered the theater, struggled with Oswald, and arrested him. 

“Lee! Lee!” Obama cried as Oswald was led out the theater in handcuffs. “Tell me how it comes out,” Oswald shouted to him. It was the last time the two friends ever spoke. Oswald was charged with murdering the President and, two days later, was gunned down by nightclub owner Jack Ruby.

Oswald’s death shattered Obama, who had launched his political career in Oswald’s Moscow living room two years earlier. The two men served on numerous committees together, and they made time to see a film together at least once a week, making sure to interrupt each one with their “Death to Kennedy” chant. 

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Oct 29