Carbolic Sports Spotlight

Aug 20

Musharaff Resigns, Tells Press “You Won’t Have Pervez To Kick Around Any More,” Heads for San Clemente

ISLAMABAD - In a nationally televised address last night, President Pervez Musharraf told the people of Pakistan that he would resign the presidency effective noon today, ceding control of the executive office to Vice President Gerald Muhammad Mian Soomro Ford.

In an emotional speech lasting more than an hour, President Musharraf thanked the “silent majority” who, along with the Pakistani army and security forces, brought him into office.  He also confessed to viewers that although he received many gifts during his regime, he returned them all, save for one: a little dog named Checkers.

“But tonight, my fellow citizens, I took Checkers into the backyard and beat him to death with a shovel,” Musharaff said.  ”I offer his broken body to you as a blood sacrifice.”

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Aug 20

Aquaman, Defender of the Earth’s Oceans, Arrested for Assaulting Michael Phelps

BEIJING - Police arrested a man identified only as Aquaman of Atlantis, defender of the earth’s oceans, after he burst out of the same pool where swimming sensation Michael Phelps had just won his record eighth gold medal and blindsided Mr. Phelps, knocking him to the ground. Mr. Aquaman then dragged Mr. Phelps back into the water while taunting him to race. 

“Just you and me, chump,” Mr. Aquaman yelled as he dunked Mr. Phelps’ head under the water. “Right now. Just you and me.  Let’s see how fast you really are.” 

Chinese police officers quickly circled the melee and, after a violent struggle, snared Mr. Aquaman in a net.

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Aug 18

President, First Lady Victimized By Jewel Theft at Olympics; Charlie Chan to Investigate

BEIJING - President Bush and First Lady Laura Bush had their valuables stolen from a hotel safe in a daring overnight swindle.  Ling Ting Tong, Head of Security at the Long March Inn, where the President and Mrs. Bush are staying for the duration of the Olympics, was at a loss to explain how such a crime could occur.

“Fortunately, Mr. Charlie Chan is in town visiting relatives. On behalf of the Chinese government, I have asked for his assistance in solving this baffling case.”

Mr. Chan, an Asian-American private eye who is an expert on the inscrutable ways of the Orient, said he would be delighted to help.

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Aug 15

Correction of Story From Last Week: Dead at 89, Alexander Solzhenitsyn was Russian Dissident, Not Russian Disinfectant as Previously Reported

Aug 15

China Admits Familiar Face of Mao Zedong Was Actor Who Lip-Synced the Real Mao’s Voice

BEIJING - A high-ranking Chinese official today admitted that the real Charmain Mao Zedong “wasn’t good looking enough, or cute enough” to lead the Communist Party of China through the Great Leap Forward or the Cultural Revolution, so actor Wang Ming was retained to do all of Mao’s public appearances and lip-sync all of his public statements.

“All the pictures of Mao we see today, they are really Wang Ming,” said Chen Qigang.  “The real Mao had crooked teeth.”

Rumors that Mao might have been played by an actor have plagued China for years.  After an historic meeting with the man he thought was Mao, former U.S. President Richard Nixon noted that “his lips didn’t match his speech.  I felt like I was watching a Japanese monster movie.”  China finally admitted the rumors were true after also admitting that Lin Miaoke, 9, lip-synced the voice of veteran singer Marni Nixon during the Olympics opening ceremony.  Ms. Nixon was also the singing voice for Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady, Natalie Wood in West Side Story, and Deborah Kerr in The King and I.  She also dubbed Golda Meir’s voice when she was President of Israel.

Aug 14

Remainder of Olympics Cancelled as Pre-Historic Monster Rodan Lays Egg in Bird’s-Nest Stadium

Aug 14

Georgia Woman Vows to Rebuild Plantation Damaged by Russian Invasion

Aug 14

CARBOLIC EXCLUSIVE PHOTO: First Look at Little Girl Deemed “Not Cute Enough” to Sing at Olympic Opening Ceremonies

Aug 13

Today’s Forecast for Georgia: Partly Cloudy with an 80% Chance of Invasion

Aug 12

Bush in China: “I Was Checking for Weapons of Mass Destruction”

 

Aug 12

Hu Jintao Retires as General Secretary of Central Committee; Led Chinese Communists for Sixteen Seasons

BEIJING - A tearful Hu Jintao announced his retirement today as General Secretary of the Central Committee of the Chinese Communist Party after leading the party for the past sixteen seasons. Mr. Hu met with reporters in the media relations room in the Chinese Communist training complex at Zhongnanhai.

“As they say, all good things must come to an end,” he sobbed. “I look forward to whatever the future may hold for me.” With that, Mr. Hu walked away from a storied career that assures him a spot in the pantheon of Chinese Communist leaders.

“He’s a first ballot Great Hall of the People Hall of Famer,” said New York Times China Bureau Chief Harrison Salisbury. “You’ve got to mention him in the same breath as Mao, and Deng, and Zhou. He was that good.”

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Aug 12

Olympic Torch Implicated in Arson

NEW YORK - The International Olympic Committee was charged with arson yesterday after police concluded that the iconic Olympic Torch was used to start a fire that burned down a vacant warehouse at 80 Bruckner Boulevard in the Mott Haven section of the South Bronx.  No injuries were reported.

Police also say the Olympic Torch may have been used to start as many as nine fires in the Pocono Mountains of Pennsylvania.

The FBI said it is investigating the Olympic Torch’s possible connection to the MGM Grand Hotel fire in Las Vegas in 1980 as well as the 2007 Southern California wildfires.

Aug 8

“Lost Boys” to Carry American Flag Today

Historic honor marks the first time vampires have been free to participate in Olympic opening ceremonies

Aug 8

The 35 Greyhound Passengers Who Fled While a Fellow Passenger Was Beheaded Are Spotted in a Toronto Park Doing Team Building Exercises

Aug 7

Bin Laden’s Driver Found Guilty of Failing To Signal Lane Change

GUANTANAMO BAY - A jury of six U.S. military officers convicted Salim Hamden, Osama bin Laden’s former driver, of failing to signal lane change under Afghanistan Traffic Code Section 29.7.  The jurors deliberated for eight hours and ultimately rejected Hamden’s defense that ”nobody else does it, either.”  The jurors cleared him of speeding and conspiracry to support terrorism.

Since the offense is a moving violation, three points will be added to Hamden’s driving record.  That, combined with the three points he received last year for stoning a promiscuous woman to death after 9 p.m., will mandate that Hamden attend a safe driving program or risk losing his license.

Hamden became bin Laden’s driver after the famed terrorist saw him as driver Hoke Colburn opposite Jessica Tandy in the motion picture “Driving Miss Daisy.”  Hamden was so enchanted with the film that he telephoned Hamden and asked him to work for Al-Qaeda.  Bin Laden also offered to “kill that crabby old Jewish woman in the backseat.” 

Aug 7

China Prepares for Olympics, Positions Smoke Machines Around Beijing to Simulate Pollution

Aug 7

Middle East Miracle: Ahmadinejad Looks into Obama’s Eyes, Converts to Judaism


Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Carbolic Smoke BallIranian President says if Illinois Senator is elected, he’ll step down, support Israel, and move to America to “embrace the one true faith”

Aug 1

Driving bin Laden

Osama bin Laden’s driver, Hoke Colburn, is on trial in Guantanamo Bay military court.

Jul 29

Female Suicide Bombers Greeted by 55 Virgins Instead of 72; Experts Say Wage Gap to Blame

BAGHDAD - The four female suicide bombers who struck a Shiite pilgrimage in Baghdad yesterday suffered “a rude awakening” when they entered Paradise and were greeted by only 55 male virgins instead of the 72 female virgins that typically greet their male counterparts.

The disparity reflects the gender wage gap that pays women only 77% of what men make for doing the same work, according to a spokeswoman for the Iraqi NOW.

A Sunni official denied that the disparity is attributable to discrimination but said it is due to the fact that on average men kill more civilians and blow up more property per suicide than women.

Jul 29

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