Obama Says “Red Flags” Were Missed Before Christmas Attack, Vows to “See the Next Ones Myself”

ObamaLookingPresident promises “I’ll do my best,” reminds reporters, “Hey, I inherited this mess.”

Jan 6

Abu Dhabi’s Sheikh Comments on City’s Bail Out That Allowed Dubai to Complete 160 Story Burj Dubai

fred-flintstone“Abu Dhabi Doo!” – FRED FLINTSTONE, Sheikh, Abu Dhabi

Jan 6

Study: Many Arab Students Falling Behind Peers In Basic Terror Skills

palestinian_boyQATTAR - A new study commissioned by the Society For The Destruction of Western Civilization released today concludes that many Arab students do not possess the requisite terror skills to wage jihad in the twenty-first century.

“We are failing our children,” said Dr. Ayman al-Zawahiri, a self-described leader in what he calls the growing field of advanced mayhem creation.

“What does it say about the job we are doing when we are sending kids out into the world with little or no ability to handle a grenade launcher, little or no ability to make their own bombs, and little or no desire to slaughter for the sake of their God? We need to take a good look at ourselves and find out where we went wrong, before it’s too late.”

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Nov 12

Afghan School Board Debates Merits of Capital Punishment In Schools

torture-1KABUL – The Swat Valley School Board was the scene of a contentious debate last night between Taliban educators and parents over the issue of capital punishment in the classroom.

Dr. Ahmed Ahmed Ahmed, who described himself as a “leading proponent of progressive learning methods,” denounced those who would use death as a tool to modify students’ behavior.

“My research clearly shows that in every instance, torture is a far better option than execution when it comes to creating a better instructional environment in the classroom.”

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Nov 10

Political Pundits: Obama, Not Reagan, Responsible For Fall of Berlin Wall

Berlin Wall-1BERLIN - A summit of journalists from the world’s leading news outlets has put to rest the Western myth that former U.S. President Ronald Reagan played a significant role role in the fall of the Berlin Wall by drawing the Soviet Union into an arms race that was economically disastrous for it. 

The experts’ findings were announced at the conclusion of a three day Cold War summit in which they also concluded that the Berlin Wall is still standing despite widespread rumors it was toppled twenty years ago today. 

If, indeed, the wall was toppled in 1989, the experts agreed, current U.S. President Barack Obama, not Reagan, should be given the credit for it.

Nov 9

Atta Says His Seventy-Two Virgins Are Homely, Frigid

atta-80PARADISE – Mohammed Atta, the homicidal maniac who, along with nineteen others, hijacked planes and flew them into buildings on September 11, 2001, is unhappy with the seventy-two virgins he received as a result of his martyr’s death.

Mr. Atta made his feelings public in a message left on the Facebook page of Al Qaeda leader and 9/11 mastermind Osama Bin Laden.

“These women are extremely unattractive, and, when it comes to satisfying this warrior for Islam, disinterested participants, at best,” he wrote. “Isn’t there some way I can trade these virgins in for a few virgins willing to put out once in a while?”

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Nov 4

Al Qaeda Trades al-Zawahiri To IRA For Cash, Future Considerations

BobTurbanCopy of May 22 2006 081A-1PANSHIR VALLEY - Al Qaeda announced today that it was trading veteran terrorist Dr. Ayman al-Zawahiri to the IRA for an undisclosed amount of cash and future considerations.

A move that would have sent al-Zawahiri to the Basque Separatists for an assassin to be named later fell through when Al Qaeda leader OsamaBin Laden nixed the deal at the eleventh hour.

“We want to thank Ayman for the many great things he did for our organization,” said Osama Bin Laden, Al Qaeda Chief Operating Officer. ”And he will always be a part of this organization. But we felt at this time, we needed to go in a different direction. This trade brings us a much-needed infusion of capital that will allow us to reduce operating costs and gives us the wherewithal to identify and develop young talent for our club at the same time, and, in the process, provides Ayman with a chance to utilize his unique talents with a veteran outfit in need of a fresh start. It was a move that made sense for all parties.”

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Oct 14

Oddsmakers Make Obama Early Favorite to Repeat as Nobel Prize Winner

NobelLAS VEGAS - Professional handicappers have installed President Barack Obama as the early favorite to repeat as next year’s Nobel Peace Prize winner, even as fans and commentators debate the difficulty of winning the most prestigious award in peace-making twice in a row.

The Las Vegas Hilton is offering the President at 3-2 to take home the Nobel Peace Prize, with French President Nicolas Sarkozy getting odds of 5-2. For the ninth year in a row, the local gambling  community listed Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden at 100,000,000-1. 

But even as fans began lining up at betting windows across this city to place an early wager on the 2010 Nobel season, talk shows were abuzz with lively discourse on the likelihood of the President going back-to-back.

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Oct 13

Nobel Committee Defends Obama Award, Cites His Off-The-Charts “Peace Brainwave Activity”

Nobel Brain Waves HeadlineABCOSLO, Norway – The Norwegian Nobel Committee defended its award of the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize to President Barack Obama by explaining that it did not employ any subjective criteria in the selection process.  ”The ‘peace brainwave activity’ of each nominee is objectively measured by the Peace Plethysmograph Meter®, and the person with the most ‘peace brainwaves’ wins the award,” explained Thorbjørn Jagland, Chairman of the Norwegian Nobel Committee. 

(Pictured here is Alfred Nobel, at the time he introduced the Meter in 1896.)

“Every thought of peace produces distinct-looking electrical brainwaves,” said Jagland.  “For want of a better description, they are happy looking brainwaves.”  Jagland noted that Obama’s ”peace brainwaves” were off the charts.  ”The machine, of course, couldn’t care less about the nominee’s actual accomplishments to promote peace.” 

Jagland said that the only person ever to score a higher “peace brainwave” reading was Noah Swayne in 2005, but he was unable to accept the award because he was confined to Bellevue Psychiatric Hospital in New York and was considered criminally dangerous.  “If he ever gets out, we’ll give him the award.”

Oct 12

Moon Retaliates Against Earth for Bombing Crater; Obama Apologizes to Moon

imagesabc

WASHINGTON - One hour after NASA spacecrafts barreled into the moon at twice the speed of a bullet in search of ice, the moon launched a series of projectiles toward earth in apparent retaliation. 

At least four of the moon’s projectiles landed in the Indian Ocean, but no casualties have been reported.  One of the projectiles was the plaque left on the moon by Apollo 11 astronauts following the first moon landing in 1969. It’s words ”We came in peace for all mankind” were crossed out with red paint and the words “DIE PIGS!” were scrawled on it.  Vice President Joe Biden told a reporter that the moon might be sending the earth a message. 

President Obama, with his newly awarded Nobel Peace Prize slung around his neck, sent an urgent video message to the moon in which he apologized “for all of earth’s intrusions on the lunar way of life,” and promised to help rebuild the moon with reparations.

Oct 9

Giancana: “I Will Go To Copenhagen”

giancanaCHICAGO – Sam Giancana, Windy City Bon Vivant and Man About Town, told associates he was going to Copenhagen this evening to assist the International Olympic Committee in deciding the location of the 2016 Summer Games. 

Mr. Giancana made his remarks during the course of a wire-tapped phone conversation earlier today.

“I will go to Copenhagen,” said Mr. Giancana.”  And I’ll show those [expletive deleted] Dutch [expletive deleted] wooden shoe-wearing [expletive deleted]  who’s boss. We’re getting the [expletive deleted] summer games, or I’ll be plugging more than [expletive deleted] dikes over there.”

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Oct 2

Chicago Pulls Out Big Guns, Sends Al Capone to Copenhagen For IOC Vote

AlCOPENHAGEN – Alphonse Gabriel “Al” Capone, Chicago’s favorite son and premier bootlegger and racketeer, arrived in Copenhagen yesterday to pitch Chicago for the 2016 Olympics. 

By all accounts, Mr. Capone scored points all day, showing off his world famous charm from the moment he arrived at the airport.

“I’m in Copenhagen?” Capone quipped to reporters when he stepped off the plane.  “I don’t even know what street Copenhagen’s on!”  The press corps roared its approval.

After meeting privately with each IOC member, Capone hinted that he thinks he “sealed the deal” despite heavy lobbying for other cities.  ”That’s because you can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone,” he explained.

Oct 1

Obama Says Iran Must “Come Clean” About Intent to Build Atomic Fireball Plant

atomic_fireballPITTSBURGH – President Obama put Iran on notice that it must come clean about its intentions to build an Atomic Fireball plant or else “face sanctions that have as much bite as the delightful spicy red candy itself.”

“The international community has spoken, and it will not allow Iran to produce candies of mass destruction,” Obama said at a news conference.

A defiant Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad insisted the plant was within the parameters of the U.N. watchdog’s rules governing cinnamon flavored jawbreaker-style candies.

Sep 29

Our Special Commemorative G20 Edition

In today’s Pittsburgh Trib p.m.  See it herexin_582090626073654618211

Sep 28

Pirates Add G-20 Protesters to Roster

Photo One ProtestersPITTSBURGH – Pirates General Manager Neal Huntington made a scouting visit in the city’s Lawrenceville neighborhood yesterday and quickly signed thirty-two G-20 protesters. He said they would be added to the major league roster immediately.

“My chief goal was to find people who are able to move of their own volition,” he explained. “I watched them closely, and all of them can walk. I like the way some of them handled the protest signs, which suggests they might be able to swing a bat.”

Huntington said the 22 male protesters he signed would be in uniform tomorrow night. “We’re still looking for uniforms for the ten women we signed.”

Sep 25

Pittsburgh Touts Revitalization at G-20, Boards Up Downtown

Pittsburgh Board Up1PITTSBURGH – Last night, visiting dignitaries arrived at the G-20 summit in this former steel capital of the world, which is hoping to use the international stage to showcase its revitalization as a 21st Century economy. 

But fears about protesters forced hundreds of local businesses to board up their windows, giving the city’s downtown a blighted appearance suggesting advanced urban decay.

Several world leaders riding through downtown on their way to hotels conferred and announced they would sponsor a benefit concert to save Pittsburgh.  Bono agreed to host the fundraiser, which will be held in the spring of 2010 “somewhere other than Pittsburgh.”

Sep 24

Gadhafi in Tearful UN Reunion With Brother Chico

ChicoLibyan leader Moamer Gadhafi is stunned by a surprise visit from his brother Chico in the middle of his United Nations General Assembly address yesterday

Sep 24

Obama Clarifies: Pittsburgh Getting WD-40 Summit, Not G-20

WD40PITTSBURGH – President Obama placed an urgent call to Pittsburgh’s Mayor Luke Ravenstahl today to clarify that the city isn’t getting the G-20 summit, it’s getting the WD-40 summit.

“It was a joke that got out of hand,” the President explained. “What were you people smoking to think you’d get the G-20?” the President laughed. “The G-20 is being held in Washington, D.C. this week.”

Despite the misunderstanding, Obama said Pittsburgh should feel proud to host the WD-40. “Did you know that a bus driver in Asia once used WD-40 to remove a python, which had coiled itself around the undercarriage of his bus?”

Mayor Ravenstahl said he wasn’t disappointed because “the traffic will flow more smoothly with all that WD-40 to lubricate it.”

Sep 23

Olympic Torch Implicated in Wildfire Arson

NEW YORK – The International Olympic Committee was charged with arson yesterday after police concluded that the iconic Olympic Torch was used to start the massive wildfire that has scorched 226 square miles north of Los Angeles.

Police say the Olympic Torch also may have been used to start as many as nine fires from California all the way to the Pocono Mountains of Pennsylvania.

The FBI said it is investigating the Olympic Torch’s possible connection to the MGM Grand Hotel fire in Las Vegas in 1980.

Sep 4

Bin Laden Surrenders to Scottish Officials, Announces He Has Prostate Cancer

bin-laden

Aug 25

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