“No question about it,” Boris Yeltsin-Swayne of Lithuania explained. “You see what the United States gave up?  Ten young spies for four broken down has-beens.” 

Yeltsin-Swayne, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said “it is common knowledge” that the United States can no longer afford a large payroll and needed to get something for the ten spies rather than lose them all to free agency.

“Fire sale!” he yelled.  Yeltsin-Swayne expects his country will get a call from the US before the July 31st trading deadline.  

The CIA denied Yeltsin-Swayne’s accusations:  ”The four veteran spies are part of our long-range plan and will be added to the roster as soon as they pass their physicals.” 

To make room on the Untied States’ forty-spy roster, the CIA released veterans Jason Bourne, Maxwell Smart, Agent 99, and Jack Bauer.

 ”Some people call me the Mad Monk,” he said.  “I’m mad all right.  Mad about the way these guys play the coolest game on ice!” 

Mr. Rasputin is in town to deliver a series of lectures at the University of Pennsylvania Medical Center on the effectiveness of staring as a way to combat juvenile hemophilia.   “It worked for the Czar’s kid.  It can work for yours.”  

The iconic mystic predicted a quick Flyers victory over the Boston Bruins, followed by a sound thrashing of the Chicago Black Hawks in the  finals.  ”I look forward to committing the most vile and depraved acts of debauchery with the Stanley Cup once we win the championship,” he hollered, to a round of lusty cheers from the Flyers. 

Team captain Mike Richards described meeting Rasputin as the realization of a life-long dream.  ”He’s just as mesmerizing, just as powerfully charismatic as he was described in my World Cultures textbook back in eleventh grade. And he’s really got this playoff beard thing going.”

Mullah Omar officiated.

Mr. Bin Laden, who looked dashing in a white kamiz shalwar, accented with a grenade belt, addressed the crowd. “Over two decades ago, Ayman and I met and I knew instantly that he was the one. The one I wanted to spend the rest of my life planning with, plotting with, and slaughtering with. Today, I ask almighty and merciful God to continue to bless our efforts, so that our partnership in killing may achieve a more perfect world.”

Dr. Al Zawahiri was visibly moved. After wiping a tear from his eye, he fired several sustained bursts from his automatic weapon as a gesture of fidelity to his life partner and their life together.

The ceremony concluded with a catered box lunch.

Following a brief trip to the Poconos, Mr. Bin Laden and Dr. Al Zawahiri will reside in an undisclosed location.

The debate featured a lively exchange of ideas, as well as gunfire, culminating with a climactic bit of swordsplay that, according to Instatrack Polling, left undecided voters no closer to choosing a candidate.

“I just can’t make up my mind,” said Mrs. Omar Johnson of Dromedary Corner, before quickly retracting her statement.

“I forgot, I’m not allowed to express an opinion.” 

The debate was moderated by American television broadcasting icon Hugh Downs. Mr. Downs, who has been diagnosed with severe dementia, was reported missing by his daughter several days ago.

“It was just good fortune that he wandered into the village,” said Mr. Abdul. 

Both candidates expressed support for the destruction of Western civilization, as well as the need for a comprehensive Taliban health plan that offers more than just amputations. 

But when Mr. Abdul taunted Mr. Sahib, telling him “you’re no Mullah Omar,” violence erupted. Pistols were drawn, and shots rang out. Scimitars were raised, and the clash of steel resounded across the valley as Mr. Downs bid spectators good night. 

Negotiations for a second debate between the candidates resume today.

“Our janitor didn’t realize that the hands of the [Doomsday] Clock are never ‘sprung ahead’ for daylight savings,” said a grim Dr. Noah Swayne, director of the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists.  “That janitor is likely responsible for destroying civilization as we know it.”

Swayne said the earth could be annihilated at any time.

The iconic revolutionary marked his return to power with a sepia-toned parody of The Wizard of Oz.  Fidel, in the “Dorothy” role, was shown awakening from a dream, surrounded by Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez, Castro’s brother Raul, bandleader Kevin Eubanks, and beloved comic actress Betty White.  After some amusing banter, Fidel looked directly into the camera and declared, “there’s no place like home.”

In his first day back in power, Castro handily beat David Letterman in the ratings.