Blog Archives
Analyst: Expect more ‘Spy Swaps’ from Cash-Strapped US before Trading Deadline
WASHINGTON – The international espionage community rarely agrees on anything, but the recent “spy swap” between the United States and Russia has most counterintelligence analysts nodding their heads and exclaiming in unison: “Salary dump!” “No question about it,” Boris Yeltsin-Swayne of Lithuania explained.…
Che Guevara Posters Hang in Dorm Rooms Around The World; Whose Poster Did Che Display?
Rasputin Won’t Shave Playoff Beard Until Flyers Win Stanley Cup
PHILADELPHIA - Grigori Rasputin, Russian mystic and self-described hockey fanatic, visited with members of the Philadelphia Flyers yesterday and informed them that he wouldn’t be shaving until after the team wins the Stanley Cup. ”Some people call me the Mad Monk,” he…
Bin Laden, Al Zawahiri Hold Vow Renewal Ceremony
PESHAWAR - Osama Bin Laden and Dr. Ayman Al Zawahiri celebrated twenty years of terror together by renewing their vows to destroy the United States in a cave-side ceremony attended by family and friends. Mullah Omar officiated. Mr. Bin Laden, who looked…
Taliban Debate Features Lively Exchange Of Ideas, Gunfire
KARACHI - Sheik Abdul “Honest Abe” Abdul and Sahib “Smilin’ Joe” Sahib, the two candidates running for the office of Lieutenant Mullah in next month’s Taliban elections, squared off last night in a debate witnessed by hundreds of spectators in a remote…
Daylight Savings Disaster!
CHICAGO – The atomic scientists at the University of Chicago who maintain the Doomsday Clock, the timekeeper that warns of global annihilation when the clock strikes midnight, accidentally sprung the hands of the clock forward one hour Saturday night, pushing…
Schools Reopen In Chile: “Alright, Class, We’re Going To Use Up Our Remaining Air Supply By Opening Our Books To Page 71″
Fidel Back In Charge of Cuba After His Failed NBC Prime Time Experiment
HAVANA - Fidel Castro is once again the arbiter of all critical matters facing Cuba, experts say, after a failed experiment as host of a nightly prime time show on NBC. The iconic revolutionary marked his return to power with a sepia-toned parody of The…
UN Earthquake Relief Organization Angers Haiti By Listing Chile As “Hot,” Haiti As “Not”
SANTIAGO - Following Saturday’s 8.8 magnitude Chilean earthquake, the UN’s World Food Programme, charged with providing relief services in Haiti following last month’s 7.0 magnitude earthquake there, angered Haitians by posting a list of “What’s Hot, What’s Not” on its Web site. Under the “Hot” column, the WFP listed “Hoodies, Taylor Lautner,…
CIA Uncovers Japanese Plot to Suddenly Accelerate All Toyotas Tomorrow at Noon
WASHINGTON – The CIA has learned that every Toyota sold in the United States since 2004 has been infected with a virus, set to activate this Friday at noon, that will cause the cars to suddenly accelerate. The Japanese plot is intended to cause mass carnage on…
CSB EXCLUSIVE: Luge That Killed Georgian Olympian Was Manufactured by Toyota
VANCOUVER – Carbolic Smoke Ball sources have confirmed that Georgian Olympian Nodar Kumaritashvili, who died Friday after crashing during a training run, was riding a luge manufactured by the Toyota Motor Corporation at the time of his accident. Though Georgian…
Disturbing YouTube Video Shows International Olympic Committee Terrorizing Homeless Man With Olympic Torch
NEW YORK – The International Olympic Committee is being questioned in connection with a barbaric three-minute video that appeared on YouTube over the weekend showing more than three dozen Olympic Committee members taunting and terrorizing a homeless man with the iconic Olympic…
Posted in International News, U.S. News
Iran Joins Ranks of World Powers: New TV Ad Features Cartoon Ayatollah Khomeini Selling Mattresses to Celebrate Anniversary of Revolution
“We’re slashing prices the way I’d like to slash the throat of Salmon Rushdie.”
Pirates Owner Bob Nutting Tapped to Rebuild Haiti Due to His Track Record in Pittsburgh
Haiti says “we’re doomed.”
Bill Clinton Tapped to Renegotiate Haiti’s Pact With the Devil
PORT-AU-PRINCE – Former U.S. President Bill Clinton has been retained by Haiti to renegotiate the pact that citizens of the island made with the devil in 1791 in order to free Haiti from French rule. The pact has led to one bad…
Tostitos To Sponsor U.N. Conference On Genocide
NEW YORK – Frito-Lay, a division of Pepsi-Co, announced yesterday that it will sponsor this February’s U.N. Conference on Genocide. The Conference, which will now be known as “The Tostitos U.N. Conference on Genocide,” will be hosted by popular emcee Ryan Seacrest.…
“Underwear Bomber” Signs Five Year Modeling Deal With Fruit of the Loom
“No one in the world is more closely associated with underwear than Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab. Despite the Christmas terrorist incident, we’re standing behind him no matter what — unless, of course, he cheats on a woman.” NOAH SWAYNE, CEO, Fruit of the Loom
Zombies Ate My Headlines won a Gold Medal at the 2009 Independent Publisher Awards as the Best Humor Book of the Year. And we didn't even have to bribe the selection committee.
