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Reports From the Trail
Not surprisingly, they’re all female
Reclusive candy magnate Willy Wonka acknowledges some of company’s Oompa Loompas “may have been rescued from Hunan Province”
BAGHDAD - The new Iraqi television season begins this evening with the premiere of “The Sunni and Shia Comedy Hour,” featuring the talents of Sunni Bono and his long-time wife and show-business partner, Shia.
Sunni and Shia have not performed on Iraqi television since the 1977 Iraqi Emmy Awards, when they were honored for their contribution to Arabic entertainment. After receiving their award, which was presented by then-President Saddam Hussein, they proceeded to douse the dictator with seltzer water and smash a cream pie in his face.
Security forces immediately arrested the pair. They spent the next twenty years in prison.
Arabs wonder, “What are those sneaky Jews up to now?”
Mickey Mouse to be named “honorary Jew,” circumcised in grand opening extravaganza; “Jihad Cruise” and “Hall of Infidels” will be first rides to open
“Just don’t wake my husband when he’s napping,” said McCain.
Green Bay Packers offer him $20 million to stay home and not ride
“If you thought the opening ceremonies were exciting, wait until you see what happens on Sunday,” said one unnamed official.
Woodsy Owl Arrested in Tiananmen Square; U.S. Forest Service Spokesbird Roughed Up By Chinese Police
BEIJING - Woodsy Owl, who is attending these Olympics as part of a U.N. sponsored Air Quality Monitoring Group, was taken into custody by Chinese police yesterday after he attempted to distribute pamphlets in Tiananmen Square urging citizens to “give a hoot, don’t pollute.”
Witnesses saw Woodsy standing alone in front of a Chinese army tank that had been summoned by authorities to discourage his activities. When Woodsy refused to move, authorities moved in. After a brief struggle, Woodsy was wing-cuffed and thrown into the back of a police car. His whereabouts at this time are unknown.
Mr. Owl, who has spent his entire life spreading a message of environmental responsibility, expressed his disgust at the dangerous amounts of particulates in the air here to anyone who would listen.
ISLAMABAD - In a nationally televised address last night, President Pervez Musharraf told the people of Pakistan that he would resign the presidency effective noon today, ceding control of the executive office to Vice President Gerald Muhammad Mian Soomro Ford.
In an emotional speech lasting more than an hour, President Musharraf thanked the “silent majority” who, along with the Pakistani army and security forces, brought him into office. He also confessed to viewers that although he received many gifts during his regime, he returned them all, save for one: a little dog named Checkers.
“But tonight, my fellow citizens, I took Checkers into the backyard and beat him to death with a shovel,” Musharaff said. ”I offer his broken body to you as a blood sacrifice.”
BEIJING - Police arrested a man identified only as Aquaman of Atlantis, defender of the earth’s oceans, after he burst out of the same pool where swimming sensation Michael Phelps had just won his record eighth gold medal and blindsided Mr. Phelps, knocking him to the ground. Mr. Aquaman then dragged Mr. Phelps back into the water while taunting him to race.
“Just you and me, chump,” Mr. Aquaman yelled as he dunked Mr. Phelps’ head under the water. “Right now. Just you and me. Let’s see how fast you really are.”
Chinese police officers quickly circled the melee and, after a violent struggle, snared Mr. Aquaman in a net.
BAGHDAD - The Baghdad National Organization for Women paid homage to the female suicide bomber who blew herself up among Shiite pilgrims south of Baghdad yesterday, killing 26. NOW issued a proclamation commending the young woman for ”shattering the glass ceiling and the glass storefont windows, not to mention the glass doors for several blocks. In fact, that bomb pretty much shattered everything.”
NOW bemoaned the fact that when the suicide bomber entered Paradise, she was greeted by only 55 virgins instead of the 72 virgins that typically greet her male counterparts. As previously reported, the disparity reflects the gender wage gap that pays women only 77% of what men make for doing the same work.
BEIJING - President Bush and First Lady Laura Bush had their valuables stolen from a hotel safe in a daring overnight swindle. Ling Ting Tong, Head of Security at the Long March Inn, where the President and Mrs. Bush are staying for the duration of the Olympics, was at a loss to explain how such a crime could occur.
“Fortunately, Mr. Charlie Chan is in town visiting relatives. On behalf of the Chinese government, I have asked for his assistance in solving this baffling case.”
Mr. Chan, an Asian-American private eye who is an expert on the inscrutable ways of the Orient, said he would be delighted to help.
BEIJING - A high-ranking Chinese official today admitted that the real Charmain Mao Zedong “wasn’t good looking enough, or cute enough” to lead the Communist Party of China through the Great Leap Forward or the Cultural Revolution, so actor Wang Ming was retained to do all of Mao’s public appearances and lip-sync all of his public statements.
“All the pictures of Mao we see today, they are really Wang Ming,” said Chen Qigang. “The real Mao had crooked teeth.”
Rumors that Mao might have been played by an actor have plagued China for years. After an historic meeting with the man he thought was Mao, former U.S. President Richard Nixon noted that “his lips didn’t match his speech. I felt like I was watching a Japanese monster movie.” China finally admitted the rumors were true after also admitting that Lin Miaoke, 9, lip-synced the voice of veteran singer Marni Nixon during the Olympics opening ceremony. Ms. Nixon was also the singing voice for Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady, Natalie Wood in West Side Story, and Deborah Kerr in The King and I. She also dubbed Golda Meir’s voice when she was President of Israel.
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