Analyst: Expect more ‘Spy Swaps’ from Cash-Strapped US before Trading Deadline

russian spiesWASHINGTON – The international espionage community rarely agrees on anything, but the recent “spy swap” between the United States and Russia has most counterintelligence analysts nodding their heads and exclaiming in unison: “Salary dump!”

“No question about it,” Boris Yeltsin-Swayne of Lithuania explained. “You see what the United States gave up?  Ten young spies for four broken down has-beens.” 

Yeltsin-Swayne, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said “it is common knowledge” that the United States can no longer afford a large payroll and needed to get something for the ten spies rather than lose them all to free agency.

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Jul 15

Che Guevara Posters Hang in Dorm Rooms Around The World; Whose Poster Did Che Display?

CHE

Jun 22

Rasputin Won’t Shave Playoff Beard Until Flyers Win Stanley Cup

rasputinPHILADELPHIA - Grigori Rasputin, Russian mystic and self-described hockey fanatic, visited with members of the Philadelphia Flyers yesterday and informed them that he wouldn’t be shaving until after the team wins the Stanley Cup.

 ”Some people call me the Mad Monk,” he said.  “I’m mad all right.  Mad about the way these guys play the coolest game on ice!” 

Mr. Rasputin is in town to deliver a series of lectures at the University of Pennsylvania Medical Center on the effectiveness of staring as a way to combat juvenile hemophilia.   “It worked for the Czar’s kid.  It can work for yours.”  

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May 21

Bin Laden, Al Zawahiri Hold Vow Renewal Ceremony

al-qaeda-osama-bin-laden-ayman-al-zawahiriPESHAWAR - Osama Bin Laden and Dr. Ayman Al Zawahiri celebrated twenty years of terror together by renewing their vows to destroy the United States in a cave-side ceremony attended by family and friends.

Mullah Omar officiated.

Mr. Bin Laden, who looked dashing in a white kamiz shalwar, accented with a grenade belt, addressed the crowd. “Over two decades ago, Ayman and I met and I knew instantly that he was the one. The one I wanted to spend the rest of my life planning with, plotting with, and slaughtering with. Today, I ask almighty and merciful God to continue to bless our efforts, so that our partnership in killing may achieve a more perfect world.”

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May 12

Taliban Debate Features Lively Exchange Of Ideas, Gunfire

ArabKARACHI - Sheik Abdul “Honest Abe” Abdul and Sahib “Smilin’ Joe” Sahib, the two candidates running for the office of Lieutenant Mullah in next month’s Taliban elections, squared off last night in a debate witnessed by hundreds of spectators in a remote mountain village.

The debate featured a lively exchange of ideas, as well as gunfire, culminating with a climactic bit of swordsplay that, according to Instatrack Polling, left undecided voters no closer to choosing a candidate.

“I just can’t make up my mind,” said Mrs. Omar Johnson of Dromedary Corner, before quickly retracting her statement.

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May 6

King Features Syndicate Reveals New “Mary Worth” Strip in Which Mary Has Coffee With the Prophet Mohammed

Mary&Mohammed

Apr 28

Carbolic/Comedy Central Exclusive: First Look at Next Week’s South Park Episode, “Mohammed Returns”

SouthPark

Apr 28

Daylight Savings Disaster!

doomsday-clockCHICAGO – The atomic scientists at the University of Chicago who maintain the Doomsday Clock, the timekeeper that warns of global annihilation when the clock strikes midnight, accidentally sprung the hands of the clock forward one hour Saturday night, pushing them past midnight.

“Our janitor didn’t realize that the hands of the [Doomsday] Clock are never ‘sprung ahead’ for daylight savings,” said a grim Dr. Noah Swayne, director of the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists.  “That janitor is likely responsible for destroying civilization as we know it.”

Swayne said the earth could be annihilated at any time.

Mar 15

Schools Reopen In Chile: “Alright, Class, We’re Going To Use Up Our Remaining Air Supply By Opening Our Books To Page 71″

rubble

Mar 9

Fidel Back In Charge of Cuba After His Failed NBC Prime Time Experiment

FidelHAVANA - Fidel Castro is once again the arbiter of all critical matters facing Cuba, experts say, after a failed experiment as host of a nightly prime time show on NBC.

The iconic revolutionary marked his return to power with a sepia-toned parody of The Wizard of Oz.  Fidel, in the “Dorothy” role, was shown awakening from a dream, surrounded by Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez, Castro’s brother Raul, bandleader Kevin Eubanks, and beloved comic actress Betty White.  After some amusing banter, Fidel looked directly into the camera and declared, “there’s no place like home.”

In his first day back in power, Castro handily beat David Letterman in the ratings.

Mar 5

UN Earthquake Relief Organization Angers Haiti By Listing Chile As “Hot,” Haiti As “Not”

28quake_CA0-articleLargeSANTIAGO - Following Saturday’s 8.8 magnitude Chilean earthquake, the UN’s World Food Programme, charged with providing relief services in Haiti following last month’s 7.0 magnitude earthquake there, angered Haitians by posting a list of “What’s Hot, What’s Not” on its Web site. Under the “Hot” column, the WFP listed “Hoodies, Taylor Lautner, and Chile.”  Under the “Not” column, it listed “Tiger Woods, the Jonas Brothers, and Haiti.”  Late last night, the WFP further enraged Haitians by making what one observer called “a mad exodus” from that Caribbean country to redirect all its efforts in Chile

WFP Managing Director Noah Swayne was indignant over Haiti’s reaction: “Listen, I got a choice between a 7.0 quake and an 8.8 quake, and that’s a no-brainer, OK?  It’s like going from Podunk Community Theater to Broadway.  Haiti served us well, but Chile’s where the action is, brother. I got to go where we’ll get the most exposure, get it?”

Meanwhile the Obama administration is getting high marks for its handling of the tsunami triggered by the Chilean quake.  White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said: “Unlike Katrina, this past Saturday under President Obama’s watch, the levees in Hawaii worked, thus sparing the lives of all 1.3 million people who live in our 50th state,” said Gibbs.

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Mar 1

CIA Uncovers Japanese Plot to Suddenly Accelerate All Toyotas Tomorrow at Noon

ToyotaManWASHINGTON – The CIA has learned that every Toyota sold in the United States since 2004 has been infected with a virus, set to activate this Friday at noon, that will cause the cars to suddenly accelerate. 

The Japanese plot is intended to cause mass carnage on American roadways coast to coast.  Some of the viruses have gone off sooner than planned, accounting for the sudden acceleration accidents that have plagued Toyota of late.

“The plan was to destroy the American way of life with greater stealth, and more cunning, than [the Japanese] ever dreamed possible at Pearl Harbor,” explained U.S. Rep. John Mica (R., Fla.).  Mica said Congress will pass emergency legislation Thursday to ground all of the targeted Toyotas.

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Feb 25

CSB EXCLUSIVE: Luge That Killed Georgian Olympian Was Manufactured by Toyota

ToyotaLugeVANCOUVER – Carbolic Smoke Ball sources have confirmed that Georgian Olympian Nodar Kumaritashvili, who died Friday after crashing during a training run, was riding a luge manufactured by the Toyota Motor Corporation at the time of his accident.

Though Georgian officials blame the speed of the track and IOC officials fault the inexperience of the luger, Royal Canadian Mounted Police investigators now believe that Kumaritashvili’s crash was caused by a design flaw in the sled.

Since 2004, federal regulators have received complaints of 34 deaths in accidents linked to sudden acceleration problems in Toyota models, mostly hybrids and small SUVs. Kumaritashvili’s is the first death linked to the company’s popular IceRunner luge model.

Sources inside the RCMP’s Nordic Traffic Division tell Carbolic Smoke Ball that a “fairly common sequence” of “thigh squeezing and buttock clenching” can cause the sled’s runners to accelerate uncontrollably.

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Feb 17

Disturbing YouTube Video Shows International Olympic Committee Terrorizing Homeless Man With Olympic Torch

IOCTorchNEW YORK – The International Olympic Committee is being questioned in connection with a barbaric three-minute video that appeared on YouTube over the weekend showing more than three dozen Olympic Committee members taunting and terrorizing a homeless man with the iconic Olympic Torch.

A spokesman for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police said the incident, which occurred in Vancouver last week, was “an animalistic assault that was made all the more vicious because one of the [Olympic Committee members] videotaped it for sport.”  Throughout the ordeal, the homeless man was visibly distressed and pleaded with his attackers to stop.

The RCMP is searching for the man to insure he is not injured.  “We believe he suffers from a mental disorder,” said RCMP spokesman Noah Swayne.  “So we suspect he’ll try to run for Parliament.”

Feb 12

Iran Joins Ranks of World Powers: New TV Ad Features Cartoon Ayatollah Khomeini Selling Mattresses to Celebrate Anniversary of Revolution

Ayaemhbmo8bnyk0nbkm“We’re slashing prices the way I’d like to slash the throat of Salmon Rushdie.”

Feb 12

Pirates Owner Bob Nutting Tapped to Rebuild Haiti Due to His Track Record in Pittsburgh

Bob NuttingHaiti says “we’re doomed.”

Jan 29

Bill Clinton Tapped to Renegotiate Haiti’s Pact With the Devil

bill-clinton-photographPORT-AU-PRINCE – Former U.S. President Bill Clinton has been retained by Haiti to renegotiate the pact that citizens of the island made with the devil in 1791 in order to free Haiti from French rule.  The pact has led to one bad thing after another.

Television theologian Rev. Pat Robertson revealed the existence of the pact on a recent broadcast of the 700 Club. 

Haiti, which hopes to obtain better terms from the renegotiations, selected Clinton to represent it because it is widely believed that the devil will be able to relate to him.

Jan 19

Tostitos To Sponsor U.N. Conference On Genocide

Tostitos-Fiesta-Bowl-logoNEW YORK – Frito-Lay, a division of Pepsi-Co, announced yesterday that it will sponsor this February’s U.N. Conference on Genocide. The Conference, which will now be known as “The Tostitos U.N. Conference on Genocide,” will be hosted by popular emcee Ryan Seacrest.  

The sponsorship gives Frito-Lay exclusive rights to all Genocide Conference hearings broadcast from U.N. Headquarters, along with an unspecified percentage of gross sales from the distribution of Genocide Conference apparel and merchandise.

U.N. Secretary General  Ban Ki-moon and Frito-Lay CFO Joseph Dunn touted the sponsorship deal during a noon press conference yesterday.  Both men were wearing 2010 Genocide Conference hooded sweatshirts.

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Jan 11

“Underwear Bomber” Signs Five Year Modeling Deal With Fruit of the Loom

underwearbomber“No one in the world is more closely associated with underwear than Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab.  Despite the Christmas terrorist incident, we’re standing behind him no matter what — unless, of course, he cheats on a woman.” NOAH SWAYNE, CEO, Fruit of the Loom

Jan 8

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Mel Gibson’s Father Say Death of Holocaust Museum Shooting Suspect a “Hoax”

VonBrunnMugBoth men claim James von Brunn’s demise faked by “Zionist prison conspiracy”

Jan 7

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