-
Recent News Items
- Democrats Who Voted For Health Reform Advised What To Do Now
- 9967
- Local Man: “The Only Time I Feel Alive Is When I’m Wearing My Collar Bomb”
- The Swallows Return to Capistrano, But First Stop to Terrorize Residents of Bodega Bay
- New York’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade Marred by Sobriety, Marchers Walking in Straight Lines
- Carbolic Flashback: March 17, 1845: “If There’s One Thing Us Irish Can Count On, It’s the Potato”
- Obama Announces New Strategy To Pass Health Care Reform: “Ramming speed, Nancy!”
Today's Forecast
Cloudy, clearing tonight.
The Carbolic Smoke Ball Book
The Carbolic Book Award
Zombies Ate My Headlines won a Gold Medal at the 2009 Independent Publisher Awards as the Best Humor Book of the Year. And we didn't even have to bribe the selection committee.Departments
- Ads
- April Fools
- Archival Reports
- Arts
- Business
- Carbolic News
- Christmas
- Commentary
- Countdowns
- Crime
- Derision 2008
- Earth Day
- Economy
- Education
- Entertainment
- Environment
- Extras
- Fact Check
- Fast Facts
- Gender News
- Health
- History
- International News
- Investigative Reports
- Legal News
- Life
- Local News
- Media
- Obituaries
- Opinion Polls
- Politics
- Pop Culture
- Religion
- Science
- Sports
- Tech
- U.S. News
- War
- Weather
Carbolic Archives
Search
CHICAGO – The atomic scientists at the University of Chicago who maintain the Doomsday Clock, the timekeeper that warns of global annihilation when the clock strikes midnight, accidentally sprung the hands of the clock forward one hour Saturday night, pushing them past midnight.
“Our janitor didn’t realize that the hands of the [Doomsday] Clock are never ’sprung ahead’ for daylight savings,” said a grim Dr. Noah Swayne, director of the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists. “That janitor is likely responsible for destroying civilization as we know it.”
Swayne said the earth could be annihilated at any time.
HAVANA - Fidel Castro is once again the arbiter of all critical matters facing Cuba, experts say, after a failed experiment as host of a nightly prime time show on NBC.
The iconic revolutionary marked his return to power with a sepia-toned parody of The Wizard of Oz. Fidel, in the “Dorothy” role, was shown awakening from a dream, surrounded by Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez, Castro’s brother Raul, bandleader Kevin Eubanks, and beloved comic actress Betty White. After some amusing banter, Fidel looked directly into the camera and declared, “there’s no place like home.”
In his first day back in power, Castro handily beat David Letterman in the ratings.
SANTIAGO - Following Saturday’s 8.8 magnitude Chilean earthquake, the UN’s World Food Programme, charged with providing relief services in Haiti following last month’s 7.0 magnitude earthquake there, angered Haitians by posting a list of “What’s Hot, What’s Not” on its Web site. Under the “Hot” column, the WFP listed “Hoodies, Taylor Lautner, and Chile.” Under the “Not” column, it listed “Tiger Woods, the Jonas Brothers, and Haiti.” Late last night, the WFP further enraged Haitians by making what one observer called “a mad exodus” from that Caribbean country to redirect all its efforts in Chile
WFP Managing Director Noah Swayne was indignant over Haiti’s reaction: “Listen, I got a choice between a 7.0 quake and an 8.8 quake, and that’s a no-brainer, OK? It’s like going from Podunk Community Theater to Broadway. Haiti served us well, but Chile’s where the action is, brother. I got to go where we’ll get the most exposure, get it?”
Meanwhile the Obama administration is getting high marks for its handling of the tsunami triggered by the Chilean quake. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said: “Unlike Katrina, this past Saturday under President Obama’s watch, the levees in Hawaii worked, thus sparing the lives of all 1.3 million people who live in our 50th state,” said Gibbs.
WASHINGTON – The CIA has learned that every Toyota sold in the United States since 2004 has been infected with a virus, set to activate this Friday at noon, that will cause the cars to suddenly accelerate.
The Japanese plot is intended to cause mass carnage on American roadways coast to coast. Some of the viruses have gone off sooner than planned, accounting for the sudden acceleration accidents that have plagued Toyota of late.
“The plan was to destroy the American way of life with greater stealth, and more cunning, than [the Japanese] ever dreamed possible at Pearl Harbor,” explained U.S. Rep. John Mica (R., Fla.). Mica said Congress will pass emergency legislation Thursday to ground all of the targeted Toyotas.
VANCOUVER – Carbolic Smoke Ball sources have confirmed that Georgian Olympian Nodar Kumaritashvili, who died Friday after crashing during a training run, was riding a luge manufactured by the Toyota Motor Corporation at the time of his accident.
Though Georgian officials blame the speed of the track and IOC officials fault the inexperience of the luger, Royal Canadian Mounted Police investigators now believe that Kumaritashvili’s crash was caused by a design flaw in the sled.
Since 2004, federal regulators have received complaints of 34 deaths in accidents linked to sudden acceleration problems in Toyota models, mostly hybrids and small SUVs. Kumaritashvili’s is the first death linked to the company’s popular IceRunner luge model.
Sources inside the RCMP’s Nordic Traffic Division tell Carbolic Smoke Ball that a “fairly common sequence” of “thigh squeezing and buttock clenching” can cause the sled’s runners to accelerate uncontrollably.
NEW YORK – The International Olympic Committee is being questioned in connection with a barbaric three-minute video that appeared on YouTube over the weekend showing more than three dozen Olympic Committee members taunting and terrorizing a homeless man with the iconic Olympic Torch.
A spokesman for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police said the incident, which occurred in Vancouver last week, was “an animalistic assault that was made all the more vicious because one of the [Olympic Committee members] videotaped it for sport.” Throughout the ordeal, the homeless man was visibly distressed and pleaded with his attackers to stop.
The RCMP is searching for the man to insure he is not injured. “We believe he suffers from a mental disorder,” said RCMP spokesman Noah Swayne. “So we suspect he’ll try to run for Parliament.”
“We’re slashing prices the way I’d like to slash the throat of Salmon Rushdie.”
Haiti says “we’re doomed.”
PORT-AU-PRINCE – Former U.S. President Bill Clinton has been retained by Haiti to renegotiate the pact that citizens of the island made with the devil in 1791 in order to free Haiti from French rule. The pact has led to one bad thing after another.
Television theologian Rev. Pat Robertson revealed the existence of the pact on a recent broadcast of the 700 Club.
Haiti, which hopes to obtain better terms from the renegotiations, selected Clinton to represent it because it is widely believed that the devil will be able to relate to him.
NEW YORK – Frito-Lay, a division of Pepsi-Co, announced yesterday that it will sponsor this February’s U.N. Conference on Genocide. The Conference, which will now be known as “The Tostitos U.N. Conference on Genocide,” will be hosted by popular emcee Ryan Seacrest.
The sponsorship gives Frito-Lay exclusive rights to all Genocide Conference hearings broadcast from U.N. Headquarters, along with an unspecified percentage of gross sales from the distribution of Genocide Conference apparel and merchandise.
U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-moon and Frito-Lay CFO Joseph Dunn touted the sponsorship deal during a noon press conference yesterday. Both men were wearing 2010 Genocide Conference hooded sweatshirts.
“No one in the world is more closely associated with underwear than Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab. Despite the Christmas terrorist incident, we’re standing behind him no matter what — unless, of course, he cheats on a woman.” NOAH SWAYNE, CEO, Fruit of the Loom
Both men claim James von Brunn’s demise faked by “Zionist prison conspiracy”
President promises “I’ll do my best,” reminds reporters, “Hey, I inherited this mess.”
“Abu Dhabi Doo!” – FRED FLINTSTONE, Sheikh, Abu Dhabi
QATTAR - A new study commissioned by the Society For The Destruction of Western Civilization released today concludes that many Arab students do not possess the requisite terror skills to wage jihad in the twenty-first century.
“We are failing our children,” said Dr. Ayman al-Zawahiri, a self-described leader in what he calls the growing field of advanced mayhem creation.
“What does it say about the job we are doing when we are sending kids out into the world with little or no ability to handle a grenade launcher, little or no ability to make their own bombs, and little or no desire to slaughter for the sake of their God? We need to take a good look at ourselves and find out where we went wrong, before it’s too late.”
KABUL – The Swat Valley School Board was the scene of a contentious debate last night between Taliban educators and parents over the issue of capital punishment in the classroom.
Dr. Ahmed Ahmed Ahmed, who described himself as a “leading proponent of progressive learning methods,” denounced those who would use death as a tool to modify students’ behavior.
“My research clearly shows that in every instance, torture is a far better option than execution when it comes to creating a better instructional environment in the classroom.”
BERLIN - A summit of journalists from the world’s leading news outlets has put to rest the Western myth that former U.S. President Ronald Reagan played a significant role role in the fall of the Berlin Wall by drawing the Soviet Union into an arms race that was economically disastrous for it.
The experts’ findings were announced at the conclusion of a three day Cold War summit in which they also concluded that the Berlin Wall is still standing despite widespread rumors it was toppled twenty years ago today.
If, indeed, the wall was toppled in 1989, the experts agreed, current U.S. President Barack Obama, not Reagan, should be given the credit for it.
PARADISE – Mohammed Atta, the homicidal maniac who, along with nineteen others, hijacked planes and flew them into buildings on September 11, 2001, is unhappy with the seventy-two virgins he received as a result of his martyr’s death.
Mr. Atta made his feelings public in a message left on the Facebook page of Al Qaeda leader and 9/11 mastermind Osama Bin Laden.
“These women are extremely unattractive, and, when it comes to satisfying this warrior for Islam, disinterested participants, at best,” he wrote. “Isn’t there some way I can trade these virgins in for a few virgins willing to put out once in a while?”
PANSHIR VALLEY - Al Qaeda announced today that it was trading veteran terrorist Dr. Ayman al-Zawahiri to the IRA for an undisclosed amount of cash and future considerations.
A move that would have sent al-Zawahiri to the Basque Separatists for an assassin to be named later fell through when Al Qaeda leader OsamaBin Laden nixed the deal at the eleventh hour.
“We want to thank Ayman for the many great things he did for our organization,” said Osama Bin Laden, Al Qaeda Chief Operating Officer. ”And he will always be a part of this organization. But we felt at this time, we needed to go in a different direction. This trade brings us a much-needed infusion of capital that will allow us to reduce operating costs and gives us the wherewithal to identify and develop young talent for our club at the same time, and, in the process, provides Ayman with a chance to utilize his unique talents with a veteran outfit in need of a fresh start. It was a move that made sense for all parties.”
-
About Carbolic Smoke Ball
“One of America’s great web sites.” Brian O'Neill, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
“The city’s equivalent of The Onion.” Ian Urbina, The New York Times
“This stuff is better than The Onion.” Tony Norman, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
“They’re some of the world’s funniest men, and they deserve our attention.” Rick Sebak, PBS/WQED Multimedia
“One of Pittsburgh's most popular blogs, and it's gaining a growing national audience.”
Pittsburgh Magazine“Nothing is sacred for the guys who run Carbolic Smoke Ball. Nothing.” Pittsburgh Tribune-Review
How Carbolic started an urban legend. Snopes.com
Carbolic Pays the Bills
Carbolic Smoke Ball Staff
Tim Murray, Editor-in-Chief
Bob Haas, Editor
Chad Hermann, Editorial Director
• • •
Neal Rosenblat, Writer/Designer
Todd Shaffer, Staff Writer
Timothy Stefko, Illustrator
The Voice, Audio Correspondent
The Mayor, Audio Personality
• • •
The Hon. Judge Rufus Peckham, Founder EmeritusContact Carbolic
Carbolic Wear
Carbolic Blogger
