Time Machine Inventor Returns to Titanic to Save Men and Children First

attachment_three_titanicTo commemorate the anniversary of the April 15, 1912 sinking of Titanic, time-machine inventor Dr. Charles Blatchford has issued a call to feminist scholars and Women’s Studies professors to return to the ship’s deck on that fateful night and help him reverse the blatant sexism that saved “women and children first.”

“Every lifeboat should be comprised of half men and half women,” Dr. Blatchford said. “We need to get some of those women out of the lifeboats so they can die a terrifying and horrible death in the icy Atlantic.  What do you say, ladies? You know, Title IX and all that.”

Thus far, no one has accepted the offer.

Apr 15

OxiClean Seeks Lincoln’s Pillowcase for Testing

dsc02307-800PHILADELPHIA – One hundred and forty-four years ago, Abraham Lincoln’s night at the theatre was interrupted when John Wilkes Booth slipped into the president’s private box at Ford’s Theater and shot him.  Lincoln died the next morning, and the bloody pillowcase from his deathbed is being sought for product testing by OxiClean to solve a mystery.

Can the “miracle cleanser” remove a stain from 1865?

“Dried blood and brain matter from the mid-19th century would be the ultimate test for our product,” explained Noah Swayne, President of Church & Dwight, maker of OxiClean.

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Apr 14

Abraham Zapruder’s Secretary Mans Zapruder’s Old Perch in Dealey Plaza Every Day, Waiting to Film Trouble on Elm Street

sitzmanDALLAS – Marilyn Sitzman, receptionist for clothing manufacturer Jennifer Juniors, Inc., carries on the work of her late boss, Abraham Zapruder, by coming to Dealey Plaza every day to stand atop the westernmost concrete pedestal connected to the Plaza’s pergola. All day long she aims her camera on Elm Street, ”just waiting to film trouble.”

Ms. Sitzman was standing directly behind Mr. Zapruder on the same pedestal on November 22, 1963 when he caputred the assassination of President John F. Kennedy on film in arguably the most famous home movie ever shot. Zapruder was paid $150,000 for the film’s rights.  

“After that, Mr. Zapruder always said, ‘Marilyn, you never know when some international tragedy is going to strike on Elm Street,’” she recalled.

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Apr 8

Discovery: New Photo of Lincoln Exposing Self

lincolnexposingselfWASHINGTON – A collector believes a photograph from a private album of Civil War Gen. Ulysses S. Grant shows President Abraham Lincoln exposing himself in front of the White House, and could be the last image taken of him before he was assassinated in 1865.

If it is indeed Lincoln, it would be the only known photo of the 16th president exposing himself.

Photo historian Velveeeta Kodak-Swayne was called in to examine the photo and concluded it was Lincoln exposing himself.  She reached this conclusion by reviewing the handwritten inscription on the back: “Lincoln exposing himself in front of the White House.”

“It is a shame that the very last image of our most beloved president is also the most disgusting,” Ms. Kodak-Swayne said. “But after viewing it at considerable length, now I know where they got the name ‘Lincoln Logs.’”

Mar 11

Carbolic Flashback: June 4, 1961: Khrushchev Lectures Kennedy on Dangers of Dance Craze Race

khrushchev4VIENNA – Premier Nikita Khrushchev warned President Kennedy yesterday about the dangers of starting a dance craze race between the two nuclear superpowers.

“If America is the land of a thousand dances, we will be the land of ten thousand dances!” the Soviet leader thundered, as members of his personal staff broke into a spontaneous demonstration of the frug, the jerk, and the monkey. 

Mr. Khruschev added that scores of top Soviet choreagraphical scientists were working round the clock at a secret studio  deep within the Ural mountains creating a dance that will be bigger than “the twist.”

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Feb 23

Revealed: Gettysburg Address Originally Was a Stand-up Routine

lincoln-portraitAbraham Lincoln delivered his iconic Gettysburg Address in less than three minutes to an apathetic audience, but historians say Lincoln intended it to be much longer and to contain material that modern audiences would call stand-up comedy.

The humor was cut when the wind blew away thirty-eight pages just as Lincoln started to deliver the speech.

The missing pages were discovered last week and show that Lincoln planned to do an extended skit lampooning Robert E. Lee, the South’s military leader. Lincoln intended to impersonate Lee cowering under a rock and pleading for his life in a dopey, high-pitched voice. A note in Lincoln’s writing in the margin next to the routine said, “This will kill them!”

Feb 20

Carbolic Flashback: February 13, 1929: “Blessed Be The Peacemaker! I Have Arranged a St. Valentine’s Day Reconciliation Between the Capone and Moran Gangs!”

judge-2Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Editor, the Honorable Rufus Peckham

Tomorrow — fittingly enough, St. Valentine’s Day – at 10:30 a.m., seven members of ”Bugs” Moran’s North Side gang will meet with four members of the Al Capone gang at a garage located inside the SMC Cartage Company on the North Side of town. At that time, in that place, these men shall, once and for all, iron out all their differences, and, lo, there shall be peace in Chicago’s gang lands!

If you’ve been living under a rock the past few years, you might have missed the news that for some time, Messrs. Moran and Capone have been battling for control of the lucrative Chicago bootlegging business, with a considerable death toll. Many have tried to stanch the blood-flow to no avail, until I became involved.  

You see, this meeting was my idea. I convinced both sides that murder generally is bad for business. I rarely take credit for my behind-the-scenes efforts to bring healing to a scarred world, but I can truthfully say that I have never been more proud of anything I’ve done. Many are talking about a Nobel Peace Prize for me, and, yes, that might just be appropriate here, because this meeting was anything but easy to pull off.

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Feb 13

Carbolic Flashback: February 15, 1929: Moran Gang Wiped Out By Capone Gang in St. Valentine’s Day Massacre

al_capone2

Feb 13

Reagan’s Words Recalled: “In the Present Crisis, Jim Belushi is Not the Solution to the Problem; Jim Belushi Is the Problem”

reagan

Feb 10

Ruby Thursday

rubypressa1“Caroline, please, please don’t drop out, dear. Somebody giving you a hard time? Uncle Jack will take care of it.”

JACK RUBY, Nightclub Owner, Fixer

Jan 23

Inaugural Visitors Urged to Stay Away from D.C. Crime Spots, Especially Ford’s Theater

photo-two-fords-theaterWASHINGTON – Local police are urging the millions of visitors expected to arrive in Washington, D.C. for Barack Obama’s inauguration to be aware of the city’s high crime rate and to avoid dangerous neighborhoods.

Topping the list of places to avoid is Ford’s Theater where, police warn, visitors could be shot by a deranged actor, especially if they are wearing a stovepipe hat.

Jan 20

Bush: “The Thing I’ll Miss Most About the White House is John-John and Monica Under the Desk in the Oval Office”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a wistful interview, President Bush pondered what his life will be like after he leaves Washington this afternoon.  “The thing I’ll miss most is seeing John-John and Mon-Mon [Monica Lewinsky] under the desk in the Oval Office,” the President said.

“I can’t tell you how much enjoyment those two have given me,” Bush said.  “Just watching them frolic about the desk, crawling in and out of the front panel, brightened my spirits during some of the darkest moments of our nation’s history.”

Bush tried without success to convince his wife, Laura, to take the desk, along with John-John and Monica, back to Texas.  “She thinks we’re too old to take care of a rambunctious little boy like John-John,” Bush said.  “Laura didn’t explain why she doesn’t want Monica to come with us.”

Jan 20

Carbolic Flashback: May 31st, 1944: FDR, Hitler Make Friendly Wager on Outcome of Normandy Invasion

normandyWASHINGTON - Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Adolph Hitler have placed a friendly wager on the outcome of this week’s Normandy invasion, according to a press release issued by the White House yesterday.

According to the release, if the Allied Expeditionary Forces prevail, the Fuehrer will have to send six pounds of German sausage, two pounds of sauerkraut and ten barrels of Munich beer to the President’s Hyde Park residence. If, however, the Allies are, as Mr. Hitler predicted, “thrown back into the sea in a firestorm of shrapnel, only to drown like rats,” Mr. Roosevelt is responsible for delivering a gallon of matzoh ball soup, two pounds of extra lean corned beef and one dozen potato pancakes to the Nazi leader’s weekend retreat at Berchtesgaden.

“Needless to say, both sides are pretty excited about this matchup. We’ve got our work cut out for us,” said Secretary of State Cordell Hull.  He explained: ”To beat a country in a World War once is difficult, but twice in the same century is really tough. It’s always a football game when the United States and Germany get together.”

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Jan 14

“Frost/Nixon” Star: “No Problem” With Nude Scene

nixonelviscufflinks21dec1970HOLLYWOOD - Frank Langella, star of the critically acclaimed film “Frost/Nixon,” said he had no qualms at all about shooting the now famous nude scene for director Ron Howard. Mr. Langella plays former President Richard M. Nixon. 

“I’ve never had any problems going nude, as long as it’s not something gratuitous, and is part of the context of the story,” Langella told Variety columnist Army Archerd. 

“I think everybody remembers the pivotal moment in those interviews where Nixon, in a move designed to intimidate his inquisitor, spread his legs open to reveal that he wasn’t wearing any underwear. The look of shock on David Frost’s face will stay with me forever.”

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Jan 8

Shocker: Dr. Smith from “Lost in Space” Was Stowaway on Plane that Carried JFK’s Body From Dallas to Washington

Dec 12

Carbolic Flashback: December 6, 1941: “The Only Thing We Have to Fear From the Japanese is Fear of the Japanese Itself”

Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Editor, The Honorable Rufus Peckham

The State Department is up to its old shenanigans, concocting all manner of artifice to goad, cajole, wheedle and incite the gentle and peace-loving people of Japan into attacking the United States of America. Less than two weeks ago, our Secretary of State Cordell Hull unilaterally demanded that the Japanese withdraw all their troops from China in an attempt to provoke a Japanese attack.

It won’t happen. The Japanese will, of course, never attack the United States of America, despite whatever geo-political legerdemain the State Department employs. You heard it here first.

I have studied the Japanese closely for many years, their quaint ways and inscrutable customs, and I am certain beyond any reasonable doubt that Japan would immediately drop any designs it has on mainland China if it meant militarily tangling with us. The fact of the matter is, the Japanese care not a whit about whether they lose face in the international community by backing down when pushed. Trust me on this one.

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Dec 6

Bush Considers His Legacy

“I will get the man who did this,” the President said

Nov 24

Archaeologists Find Oldest Hebrew Text

Text says: “And why, exactly, do we have to cut that?”

Nov 13

CARBOLIC EXCLUSIVE: Barack Obama Helped Bill Ayers Plant Bombs in the 60s

We’ve already shown that Barack Obama’s ties to domestic terrorists run far deeper than he admits. Now, in the fourth and final part of our Carbolic Smoke Ball Investigative Report, we detail the most shocking truth yet: that Sen. Obama was the youngest and deadliest member of the Weather Underground.

WASHINGTON, DC - Long before he befriended atomic spies Ethel and Julius Rosenberg, chanted “death to Kennedy” at Dallas movie theaters with his best buddy Lee Harvey Oswald, or went fertilizer shopping with his protege Timothy McVeigh, Barack Obama was an eight-year-old errand boy who planted bombs for Williams Ayers’ subversive Weather Underground in the late 1960s. 

Ayers chuckles every time he hears Obama say that he was only eight-years-old when Ayers did some despicable things. “What he forgets to mention is that he was right there with me.” Ayers calls Obama “the best ‘planter’ in the entire outfit. I couldn’t have done it without him.” 

Wily beyond his years, Obama could always manage to get his little blue tricycle past any guard in any government building. “He’d look at them with those big innocent eyes and ask them if they wanted to hear him sing a negro spiritual. Sometimes he’d do a little tap dance for them, you know, pretending he was a miniature Sammy Davis, Jr. They’d all smile and say, ‘Ahh, what a cute little black kid’ and just let him pass. Nobody ever seemed to notice the dynamite strapped to his handlebars.”

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Nov 3

Barack Obama Knew, Often Played Charades With, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg

Barack Obama’s ties to domestic terrorists run far deeper, and are far more disturbing, than he’s been willing to admit. We uncover the shocking truth about how much the Democratic nominee for president hates the government he wants to lead and the country he hopes to change. 

Third in a Four-Part Carbolic Smoke Ball Investigative Report.

WASHINGTON, DC – Long before he ever went fertilizer shopping with Timothy McVeigh, Barack Obama befriended two other subversive, disaffected conspiracists who would soon become America’s first couple of domestic terror and espionage.

Obama met Julius and Ethel Rosenberg in July of 1943 at a dinner party to honor Rashid “Wiz” Khalifa, the controversial Palestinian scholar and hip-hop artist whose breakthrough single, “Start Snitchin’,” was the first big hit for PLO Records. At the party, hosted by NKVD Record Mogul Alexandre Feklisov, Obama and the Rosenbergs formed an uneatable Charades team, trouncing every team that dared to challenge them throughout the night. “We were unstoppable,” Obama wrote in his best-selling book, Sounds Like…Memoir. “We got each other’s clues right away, and answers would pass between us as if we could keep no secrets. I knew then that we would be two words, one syllable each: good friends.”

After that fateful night, Obama and the Rosenbergs made regular appearances at dinner parties and fundraisers and later at The Russian Tea Room in New York City, taking on all challengers and never once losing a game. The trio’s finest moment came in a 1944 exhibition match, when they defeated the reigning National Charades Champions, a team consisting of Roy Cohn, Joe McCarthy, and Judge Irving Kaufman. “I had a feeling they might hold a grudge,” Obama wrote in one of his memoirs.  

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Oct 31

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