“Please tell Ms. Baez we shall come over,” Dr. King said.

But the secretary erroneously scribbled, “Please tell Ms. Baez we shall overcome,” and the rest is history.

“You never know when some international incident is going to strike on Elm Street again,” Zapruder explained.

Until this morning, Kennedy was widely believed to have died at the hospital on November 22, 1963 after being shot by Lee Harvey Oswald.  The hospital admitted that, in fact, Kennedy survived and has been living on the top floor of the building since the shooting.

But the hospital said the former President’s health insurance lapsed “some time ago,” and that “he must go.”

President Obama told reporters that “the shameful treatment of President Kennedy by the hospital only underscores the necessity for healthcare reform.”

BOSTON – Ted Sorensen, the wordsmith behind President John F. Kennedy’s direct but soaring rhetoric and portions of Kennedy’s Pulitzer-Prize-winning book “Profiles in Courage,” died of complications of a stroke.  He was 82.

The timing of Sorensen’s death was ironic because last month it was announced he had been lured out of retirement to write ads for fast food sandwich giant Subway.

Sorensen agreed to a rare interview in his Boston office just last Friday. Seated beneath paintings depicting a pensive President Kennedy on his right and an oversized cold cut sub on his left, Sorensen explained that he had bypassed countless offers since Kennedy’s death to write speeches for U.S. Presidents and other world leaders, but that the Subway opportunity was “too good to pass up.” 

“It was exactly what I’ve been looking for,” he explained. ”It will give me a chance to say some things I’ve been wanting to get off my chest for a long, long time.”

The lone ad that Sorensen finished for Subway, which will appear in major U.S. daily newspapers next Sunday, simply says: “Fresh and Delicious.” Sorsenson explained that he spent seven weeks coming up with that one. ”

To prepare for this assignment, Sorensen analyzed Galileo’s Renunciation, Lincoln’s Second Inaugural, and the scripts for Burger King’s TV spots “with that creepy guy who looks like a king.” Much of his preparation entailed “meditating — trying to discern, what would President Kennedy want me to write?”

His next project for Subway was to develop a slogan for Five Dollar Foot-Long submarine sandwiches. “This is the most delicate project I’ve been involved in since the Cuban Missile Crisis,” Sorensen said last Friday. “Back in 1962, the world was stunned when Russian subs carried nuclear missiles to Cuba. Today, the world is stunned once more by Subway’s subs carrying meatballs, veggies, and oven-roasted chicken to hungry Americans everywhere.” 

The ad will be written instead by Reagan speechwriter Peggy Noonan.

Many have interpreted the pose as a gesture of defiance; others have chalked it up to an unhinged ego incapable of discerning appropriate from inappropriate behavior. 

It turns out it was neither.  Film historians have confirmed that the pose was a prank, a clever recreation to the last detail of a scene in a 1944 Three Stooges short, Three Slaphappy Sleuths, where Moe Howard was preparing to poke the other stooges, Larry Fine and Jerome “Curly” Howard, in the eyes as he was deboarding a helicopter.

The late president’s son-in-law David Eisenhower confirmed the historians’ find.  “Mr. Nixon always wanted to do ‘the Moe pose,’ as he called it.  He knew this would be his last chance, so he told me, ’David, I’m going to do it.’  It took about an hour to position the extras in the foreground.  He got every detail right, except he couldn’t stop laughing, hence, the broad grin on his face.”

Achaean warrior Achilles explained: “Quality control testing, which entailed firing projectiles at ten now-deceased heroic soldiers, revealed that the current body armor leaves a portion of the soldier’s body completely exposed to attack — namely, from the top of the neck down to the bare feet.”

In addition, Mr. Achilles said the audit determined that the soldiers should also wear pants in battle “given the numerous mosquito bites wreaking havoc on our army’s penes and scrota, thus disfiguring the flawless genitalia known throughout the world from our Grecian vases.” 

An equally important reason for wearing pants, according to Mr. Achilles, “stems from the recent incident where Helen of Troy sniggered and chortled lustily when she caught a glimpse of several of our brave soldiers on a particularly cold evening.”

Editorial by the Hon. Josiah Peckham, Editor:

Last month, Richard Henry Lee, a delegate to the Second Continental Congress from Virginia, proposed a resolution that, if passed, would dissolve the colonies’ ties with their motherland.

Readers of this publication know my feelings about this resolution and its sponsor, so I will not repeat them here. The resolution is a cesspool, an open sewer, a pit of putrefaction, a treasonous, slimy gathering of all that is rotten in the debris of human depravity. And in the center of all this waste and stench, besmearing himself with its foulest defilement, splashes, leaps, cavorts and wallows a bifurcated specimen, a traitor that responds to the name of Richard Henry Lee.

Fortunately, I have just come from Philadelphia where I’ve conferred with the members of the Second Continental Congress and have learned beyond all doubt that this Lee Resolution is as dead as a doornail, and you heard it here first. My dear friend John Adams gave me a scoop to publish in this newspaper by assuring me that although a committee has been formed supposedly to draft a declaration of independence, it is a sham, concocted to satisfy the advocates of independence without any intention of acting on it. 

Mr. Adams said I should publish this useful information and receive all appropriate accolades for it.  I thanked Mr. Adams for this, and for putting behind us that little incident from last November involving me and Abigail when I found myself in Boston (not to repeat ourself, but it was cold, and I had nowhere else to sleep . . . ). I am glad Mr. Adams is not vindictive.

No, dear readers, one-hundred, nay, two-hundred years from now and beyond, the misguided devotees of independence will have been long forgotten, and we shall rejoice, as we now rejoice, that we are Englishmen!

Commuters stuck in rush hour traffic on Interstate Route 17 yesterday morning were forced to contend with howling bands of warriors on horseback who carried off women and children, slaughtered helpless drivers stuck behind the wheel and set fire to hundreds of automobiles.

Marauding bands of Apaches are expected to attack several subdivisions and appartment complexes around the Phoenix metro area over the next several days, according to information posted under the ”attack, pillage, rape and kill” schedule posted on the homepage of the official Apache Indian Nation web site.

According to Honest Dan Jones, owner of the Trading Post on the reservation, the Apaches had been planning this uprising for some time.  “It’s been awfully quiet around here lately,” said Honest Dan. “A little too quiet.”

Governor Brewer sent an urgent telegram to the White House asking for the creation of a punitive force to put down this revolt before it spreads.

“It is imperative that these bloodthirsty savages be brought to justice before more lives are lost, more property destroyed and more rush hour commutes are disrupted,” the governor’s spokesman said. “Time is of the essence.”

The film was discovered by an employee of the Obama Administration. According to the employee, the single reel was kept in a shoe box marked “FDR  Personal Stash.”

The existence of the film has been a source of speculation among Roosevelt scholars for decades. Some, including FDR biographer Conrad Black, have asserted that the president often entertained guests with private screenings of the celluloid nasty.

“There is no doubt the film was shown at the Casablanca and Teheran Conferences,” he said. “In fact, legend has it Stalin was so aroused he had copies made for himself, which he often distributed as birthday presents to his favorite members of the Politburo.” 

Doris Kearns Goodwin, author of “No Ordinary Time,” a prize-winning account of the Eleanor-Franklin relationship, said she is certain of the identity of the participants.

“I can state categorically after multiple viewings that the woman hanging from the chandelier is Mrs. Roosevelt, and the woman on the trapeze appears to be Margaret Dumont. Now if I could just place the guy wearing spectacles holding the cigar with the painted on eyebrows and moustache who keeps walking in and out of the frame I’d be happy.”