Iconic Photo Revealed To Be Nixon Farewell Prank

Nixonand MoeHWASHINGTON – Thirty-six years ago today, Richard M. Nixon resigned the presidency in disgrace as he faced almost certain impeachment for his involvement in the cover-up of the Watergate break-in.  As he boarded an Air Force helicopter that would transport him to exile, Nixon turned, smiled broadly, and gave the victory sign with outstretched arms. 

Many have interpreted the pose as a gesture of defiance; others have chalked it up to an unhinged ego incapable of discerning appropriate from inappropriate behavior. 

It turns out it was neither.  Film historians have confirmed that the pose was a prank, a clever recreation to the last detail of a scene in a 1944 Three Stooges short, Three Slaphappy Sleuths, where Moe Howard was preparing to poke the other stooges, Larry Fine and Jerome “Curly” Howard, in the eyes as he was deboarding a helicopter.

The late president’s son-in-law David Eisenhower confirmed the historians’ find.  “Mr. Nixon always wanted to do ‘the Moe pose,’ as he called it.  He knew this would be his last chance, so he told me, ’David, I’m going to do it.’  It took about an hour to position the extras in the foreground.  He got every detail right, except he couldn’t stop laughing, hence, the broad grin on his face.”

Aug 9

From the Archives of Carbolic Smoke Ball: 1189 B.C.: Armor Used in Battle of Troy Recalled after Failing Tests

achillesCITY OF TROY – The Achaean Army High Command has recalled more than 6,000 sets of body armor currently being used by soldiers fighting the Battle of Troy after an audit revealed the armor suffers from a serious design defect. 

Achaean warrior Achilles explained: “Quality control testing, which entailed firing projectiles at ten now-deceased heroic soldiers, revealed that the current body armor leaves a portion of the soldier’s body completely exposed to attack — namely, from the top of the neck down to the bare feet.”

In addition, Mr. Achilles said the audit determined that the soldiers should also wear pants in battle “given the numerous mosquito bites wreaking havoc on our army’s penes and scrota, thus disfiguring the flawless genitalia known throughout the world from our Grecian vases.” 

An equally important reason for wearing pants, according to Mr. Achilles, “stems from the recent incident where Helen of Troy sniggered and chortled lustily when she caught a glimpse of several of our brave soldiers on a particularly cold evening.”

Jul 28

From the Carbolic Archives, July 3, 1776: “Rejoice, For We Shall Always Be Englishmen!”

Editorial by the Hon. Josiah Peckham, Editor:

Last month, Richard Henry Lee, a delegate to the Second Continental Congress from Virginia, proposed a resolution that, if passed, would dissolve the colonies’ ties with their motherland.

Readers of this publication know my feelings about this resolution and its sponsor, so I will not repeat them here. The resolution is a cesspool, an open sewer, a pit of putrefaction, a treasonous, slimy gathering of all that is rotten in the debris of human depravity. And in the center of all this waste and stench, besmearing himself with its foulest defilement, splashes, leaps, cavorts and wallows a bifurcated specimen, a traitor that responds to the name of Richard Henry Lee.

Fortunately, I have just come from Philadelphia where I’ve conferred with the members of the Second Continental Congress and have learned beyond all doubt that this Lee Resolution is as dead as a doornail, and you heard it here first. My dear friend John Adams gave me a scoop to publish in this newspaper by assuring me that although a committee has been formed supposedly to draft a declaration of independence, it is a sham, concocted to satisfy the advocates of independence without any intention of acting on it. 

Mr. Adams said I should publish this useful information and receive all appropriate accolades for it.  I thanked Mr. Adams for this, and for putting behind us that little incident from last November involving me and Abigail when I found myself in Boston (not to repeat ourself, but it was cold, and I had nowhere else to sleep . . . ). I am glad Mr. Adams is not vindictive.

No, dear readers, one-hundred, nay, two-hundred years from now and beyond, the misguided devotees of independence will have been long forgotten, and we shall rejoice, as we now rejoice, that we are Englishmen!

Jul 2

More Trouble For Arizona: Apaches On War Path, Burning Homes, Attacking Station Wagons

indiansPHOENIX - As if Governor Jan Brewer didn’t have enough on her mind these days, the Apache Indians, who last took up arms against the United States over one hundred and twenty years ago, left their reservation last night with the intent to make war on Arizona citizens.

Commuters stuck in rush hour traffic on Interstate Route 17 yesterday morning were forced to contend with howling bands of warriors on horseback who carried off women and children, slaughtered helpless drivers stuck behind the wheel and set fire to hundreds of automobiles.

Marauding bands of Apaches are expected to attack several subdivisions and appartment complexes around the Phoenix metro area over the next several days, according to information posted under the ”attack, pillage, rape and kill” schedule posted on the homepage of the official Apache Indian Nation web site.

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May 28

Historian Verifies Authenticity of Eleanor Roosevelt Sex Film

fdr1491WASHINGTON, D.C. – A prominent American historian has confirmed the authenticity of a crude home-made “sex film” involving  former first lady Eleanor Roosevelt and actress Margaret Dumont.

The film was discovered by an employee of the Obama Administration. According to the employee, the single reel was kept in a shoe box marked “FDR  Personal Stash.”

The existence of the film has been a source of speculation among Roosevelt scholars for decades. Some, including FDR biographer Conrad Black, have asserted that the president often entertained guests with private screenings of the celluloid nasty.

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May 18

TV Highlights: “The Man Who Shot Lincoln,” Starring Burt “Boy Wonder” Ward

man-who-shot-lincolnpbsActor’s insistence on playing John Wilkes Booth in “Robin” costume mars documentary

HOLLYWOOD – “The Man Who Shot Lincoln” airing tonight, the anniversary of the death of America’s 16th President, is a gritty and shockingly realistic portrayal of the events leading up the 1865 assassination of President Abraham Lincoln by John Wilkes Booth, a well-known and flamboyant actor of his day.

The documentary marks the return to prime time television of Burt Ward as Booth. Ward is best known for portraying “Robin, the Boy Wonder,” opposite Adam West in the 1960’s camp TV classic, Batman.

Ward insisted on playing Booth in his old “Robin” costume, and the results are mixed. At first the colorful costume proves somewhat of a distraction, but Ward’s performance is so sure of itself and his screen presence so commanding that ultimately it doesn’t matter.

Ward’s old mannerisms are still there, and they still work like a charm, from the quick-tempered habit of punching his fist into his other hand, to even blurting out “Holy states’ rights!” at one point.

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Apr 15

Carbolic Flashback: April 9, 1876: Frontier Advocates For Mentally Ill Will Ask Crazy Horse To Change His Name

crazyhorseFORT AGARN - Advocates for the mentally challenged will head to the Black Hills tomorrow to try and persuade Oglala Sioux leader Crazy Horse to change his name.

“In this day and age it is simply unacceptable to use terms such as ‘crazy,’” said Ms. Betty Dogooder, spokeswoman of the advocacy group known as Frontier Women For Decency.  “We hope to impress upon Mr. Horse our belief that to refer to someone as ‘crazy’ unnecessarily stigmatizes that individual in a way that is both hurtful and offensive. The ‘differently cogitating’ are no less able than the rest of society.”

Ms. Dogooder said the group had prepared a list of possible alternative names for the warrior chief to consider.  “We have ‘Horse With Screws Loose,’ ‘Horse Who Plays With Less Than Full Deck,’ and ‘Horse Who’s Not All There.’ I’m confident he’ll find at least one of them to his liking.”

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Apr 9

“Gee, fellas, if I had known ‘ides’ means the 15th, I’d have stayed home today!”

Cesar-sa_mort

Mar 15

Carbolic Flashback: Anthem for Civil Rights Movement Resulted From Error in Transcription

DrMartinLutherKingJrIn 1962, singer/activist Joan Baez invited Dr. Martin Luther King and his wife to dinner. Dr. King telephoned Baez to accept and spoke with her secretary. “Please tell Ms. Baez we shall come over,” Dr. King said. But the secretary erroneously scribbled, “Please tell Ms. Baez we shall overcome,” and the rest is history.

Jan 18

Carbolic Flashback: November 27, 1623: “The First Thanksgiving Heralds Thousands of Years of Peace and Brotherhood Between the White Man and The Indian”

Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Editor, The Honorable Winthrop Peckham

Rejoice, my brothers, for the harvest is rich, and our men have labored mightily.  My lone regret is that I was unable to participate in the back-breaking labors attendant to the harvest this year, inasmuch as I was felled by the gout, coincidentally,  just as I was last year at the time the physical labor was most intense.  But, just as last year, miraculously, now that the harvest is ended, I am entirely well, and I shall not want this winter thanks to the labors of others.

Tonight, in profound THANKSGIVING for this bounty, I invite Squanto, he of the Patuxet tribe, and some 90 braves to join us for a feast of turkey, eel, and fowl that I fervently pray will become an annual rite of thanksgiving for the gifts spread at our feet. Fittingly, I have resolved to call this annual rite “THE FEAST OF TURKEY, EEL AND FOWL.”

I anticipate that in years to come this feast will be celebrated with parades that include giant balloons, senseless family squabbling, inexplicable overeating, and the solidification of rigid gender roles which dictate that the women serve the men, who shall do nothing but eat and fart.

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Nov 25

JFK EVICTED FROM PARKLAND MEMORIAL HOSPITAL

PHOTO ONE PARKLAND HOSPITALPresident John F. Kennedy was evicted from Parkland Memorial Hospital in Dallas this morning because, the hospital said, his health insurance lapsed.

Until this morning, Kennedy was widely believed to have died at the hospital on November 22, 1963 after being shot by Lee Harvey Oswald.  The hospital admitted that, in fact, Kennedy survived and has been living on the top floor of the building since the shooting.

But the hospital said the former President’s health insurance lapsed “some time ago,” and that “he must go.”

President Obama told reporters that “the shameful treatment of President Kennedy by the hospital only underscores the necessity for healthcare reform.”

Nov 20

Zapruder Still Heads to Dealey Plaza Every Day, Waiting to Film Trouble

PHOTO TWO ABE ZAPRUDERAbraham Zapruder, who captured the 1963 assassination of President John F. Kennedy in a famous home movie, reports to Dealey Plaza every day with movie camera in hand, manning the same perch on the grassy knoll where he was standing that fateful day, 46 years ago this coming Sunday.

“You never know when some international incident is going to strike on Elm Street again,” Zapruder explained.

Nov 20

Revered JFK Speechwriter Ted Sorensen Lured Out of Retirement to Write Ads for Subway

BOSTON – Ted Sorensen, the wordsmith behind President John F. Kennedy’s direct but soaring rhetoric and at least portions of Kennedy’s Pulitzer-Prize-winning book “Profiles in Courage,” is coming out of retirement to write ads for fast food sandwich giant Subway.

Sorensen agreed to a rare interview in his Boston office. Seated beneath paintings depicting a pensive President Kennedy on his right and an oversized cold cut sub on his left, Sorensen explained that he has bypassed countless offers since Kennedy’s death to write speeches for U.S. Presidents and other world leaders but that the Subway offer was “too good to pass up.” 

“It was exactly what I’ve been looking for,” he explained. ”It will give me a chance to say some things I’ve been wanting to get off my chest for a long, long time.”

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Nov 20

Ancient Mayan Realtor Credited With Popularizing Mayan Calendar

MayanCalendarFinalABCArchaeologists credit an ancient Mayan realtor with popularizing the Mayan calendar that predicted the world will end in 2012. 

Ak’b'al Realtors, which touted itself as “serving pre-Columbian MesoAmerica since 700 B.C.,” gave away thousands of the calendars every holiday season as a promotional gift.  If it weren’t for the give-away, experts say, the Mayan calendar likely would be forgotten.

“We have uncovered evidence that Mr. Ak’b'al was a true pioneer in the ancient realtor community,” said Cornell professor of archaeology Noah Swayne.  “Aside from the calendars, he invented the practice of erecting signs in front of adobe huts that said ’sale pending.’  He was also the first to insist that the agents in his office drive expensive carriages to give the appearance of being successful.”

Nov 16

GOP Shocked by Discovery of Long Lost Document

ReaganKenya

Jul 30

Five Years After Ronald Reagan’s Death, We Reprint Some of the Moving Tributes Paid to Him That day

reagan20photo“I was impressed with him from our first meeting — he was so intimidating he made my head break out in a rash.” — Mikhail Gorbachev

“Some have misconstrued our relationship as having been marked by animosity. It is difficult to fathom where such notions originated. I have always had the utmost respect for President Reagan, and I am grateful that the attempt to end his life in which I played some role was ultimately unsuccessful.” – John Hinkley

“After he was shot, I told the press that when they wheeled him into the hospital the President said, ‘Honey, I forgot to duck.’  I must now confess that this wasn’t totally accurate.  He really said, ‘Honey, I think I am a duck.’” — Dr. Francis Fitzgerald, treating physician following the assassination attempt on President Reagan in March 1981

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Jun 5

“Curse of Titanic” Claims Last Survivor; Millvina Dean Dies at 97, of Natural Causes

titanic5LONDON – Millvina Dean,the last survivor from the sinking of the Titanic in 1912, has died in England at age 97. 

Sir Osmond Swayne, Titanic historian, explained that the death of Ms. Dean a year after the death by natural causes of Titanic survivor Barbara West Dainton, 96, and just two years after the death by natural causes of Titanic survivor Lillian Gertrud Asplund, 99,  is “more than just an astounding coincidence.”

“What are the odds that three women in their late 90s just happen to die within three years of each other? And does it not strain credulity that all three supposedly died of ‘natural causes’ connected with old age?  No, there is only one possible explanation: the Curse of the Titanic,” he explained.

Sir Osmond explained that the “Curse of the Titanic” has been taking lives of persons on the ship’s last voyage since 1912. “The curse actually started with the sinking, because many lives were lost that night by drowning.”  He added that “no one who was on that boat that night is safe, trust me.”

Jun 1

Nurse From Times Square War Photo Reunites With Navy, Shags 19 Midshipman

ANNAPOLIS – Ninety-year-old retired nurse Edith Swayne was honored at the U.S. Naval Academy yesterday by an assembly of midshipmen after it was announced that she was the woman kissed by a sailor in Alfred Eisnenstaedt’s iconic 1945 photograph of a V-J Day celebration in Times Square.

Mrs. Swayne then invited all of the midshipmen to her hotel room “two at a time” so that “we can reminisce about that iconic 1945 photograph, and I can show you my stern and you show me your bows.”

She revealed that she and Alfred Eisnenstaedt, the photographer who captured the famous kiss in Times Square, ”once had a thing,” but that “I dumped him, right there in Times Square, for that lovely sailor man in the picture. Alfred’s dinghy just couldn’t measure up to that hunk’s nuclear-powered submarine.”

May 26

Cheney: I Went Back In Time To Warn Americans About Pearl Harbor

cheneyWASHINGTON – Former Vice-President Dick Cheney said he went back in time to warn Americans about the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, but his advice was not followed.

Mr. Cheney revealed details of his time-traveling mission on FOX News Sunday. He told moderator Shepard Smith that his access to a wormhole in the time-space continuum compelled him to try and reverse the course of history and prevent the loss of American lives and property.

“I knew that President Roosevelt’s policies were putting Americans at risk. I thought I could stop the dastardly sneak attack on our Pacific fleet. But no one would listen.”

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May 20

Last Titanic Survivor Returns Leonardo DiCaprio’s Donation, Asks for “Mattress Mambo” With Jack Dawson Instead

res11SOUTHAMPTON, England - Millvini Dean, 97, the last survivor of the Titanic, the infamous ship that sank on its maiden voyage in 1912, returned a $30,000 donation from Leonardo DiCaprio, the star of the film Titanic, that was intended to help pay her nursing home bills. 

Ms. Dean instead requested sex with Jack Dawson, the fictional character DiCaprio played in the film. 

“I want to get naked for Jack, like that little floozy Rose did in the film,” Ms. Dean said.  “Did you know that Jack is an incredible artist?  I want Jack to use his incredible artistry to draw my supple breasts.”  Ms. Dean then picked up a banana from her lunch tray.  “Then I’ll take caress Jack’s pulsating member in a way that Rose never could.”

Mr. DiCaprio declined to comment.

May 14

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