Carbolic Flashback: Anthem for Civil Rights Movement Resulted From Error in Transcription

DrMartinLutherKingJrIn 1962, singer/activist Joan Baez invited Dr. Martin Luther King and his wife to dinner. Dr. King telephoned Baez to accept and spoke with her secretary. “Please tell Ms. Baez we shall come over,” Dr. King said. But the secretary erroneously scribbled, “Please tell Ms. Baez we shall overcome,” and the rest is history.

Jan 18

Carbolic Flashback: November 27, 1623: “The First Thanksgiving Heralds Thousands of Years of Peace and Brotherhood Between the White Man and The Indian”

Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Editor, The Honorable Winthrop Peckham

Rejoice, my brothers, for the harvest is rich, and our men have labored mightily.  My lone regret is that I was unable to participate in the back-breaking labors attendant to the harvest this year, inasmuch as I was felled by the gout, coincidentally,  just as I was last year at the time the physical labor was most intense.  But, just as last year, miraculously, now that the harvest is ended, I am entirely well, and I shall not want this winter thanks to the labors of others.

Tonight, in profound THANKSGIVING for this bounty, I invite Squanto, he of the Patuxet tribe, and some 90 braves to join us for a feast of turkey, eel, and fowl that I fervently pray will become an annual rite of thanksgiving for the gifts spread at our feet. Fittingly, I have resolved to call this annual rite “THE FEAST OF TURKEY, EEL AND FOWL.”

I anticipate that in years to come this feast will be celebrated with parades that include giant balloons, senseless family squabbling, inexplicable overeating, and the solidification of rigid gender roles which dictate that the women serve the men, who shall do nothing but eat and fart.

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Nov 25

JFK EVICTED FROM PARKLAND MEMORIAL HOSPITAL

PHOTO ONE PARKLAND HOSPITALPresident John F. Kennedy was evicted from Parkland Memorial Hospital in Dallas this morning because, the hospital said, his health insurance lapsed.

Until this morning, Kennedy was widely believed to have died at the hospital on November 22, 1963 after being shot by Lee Harvey Oswald.  The hospital admitted that, in fact, Kennedy survived and has been living on the top floor of the building since the shooting.

But the hospital said the former President’s health insurance lapsed “some time ago,” and that “he must go.”

President Obama told reporters that “the shameful treatment of President Kennedy by the hospital only underscores the necessity for healthcare reform.”

Nov 20

Zapruder Still Heads to Dealey Plaza Every Day, Waiting to Film Trouble

PHOTO TWO ABE ZAPRUDERAbraham Zapruder, who captured the 1963 assassination of President John F. Kennedy in a famous home movie, reports to Dealey Plaza every day with movie camera in hand, manning the same perch on the grassy knoll where he was standing that fateful day, 46 years ago this coming Sunday.

“You never know when some international incident is going to strike on Elm Street again,” Zapruder explained.

Nov 20

Revered JFK Speechwriter Ted Sorensen Lured Out of Retirement to Write Ads for Subway

BOSTON – Ted Sorensen, the wordsmith behind President John F. Kennedy’s direct but soaring rhetoric and at least portions of Kennedy’s Pulitzer-Prize-winning book “Profiles in Courage,” is coming out of retirement to write ads for fast food sandwich giant Subway.

Sorensen agreed to a rare interview in his Boston office. Seated beneath paintings depicting a pensive President Kennedy on his right and an oversized cold cut sub on his left, Sorensen explained that he has bypassed countless offers since Kennedy’s death to write speeches for U.S. Presidents and other world leaders but that the Subway offer was “too good to pass up.” 

“It was exactly what I’ve been looking for,” he explained. ”It will give me a chance to say some things I’ve been wanting to get off my chest for a long, long time.”

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Nov 20

Ancient Mayan Realtor Credited With Popularizing Mayan Calendar

MayanCalendarFinalABCArchaeologists credit an ancient Mayan realtor with popularizing the Mayan calendar that predicted the world will end in 2012. 

Ak’b'al Realtors, which touted itself as “serving pre-Columbian MesoAmerica since 700 B.C.,” gave away thousands of the calendars every holiday season as a promotional gift.  If it weren’t for the give-away, experts say, the Mayan calendar likely would be forgotten.

“We have uncovered evidence that Mr. Ak’b'al was a true pioneer in the ancient realtor community,” said Cornell professor of archaeology Noah Swayne.  “Aside from the calendars, he invented the practice of erecting signs in front of adobe huts that said ’sale pending.’  He was also the first to insist that the agents in his office drive expensive carriages to give the appearance of being successful.”

Nov 16

Iconic Photo Revealed To Be Nixon Farewell Prank

Nixonand MoeHWASHINGTON – Thirty-five years ago today, Richard M. Nixon resigned the presidency in disgrace as he faced almost certain impeachment for his involvement in the cover-up of the Watergate break-in.  As he boarded an Air Force helicopter that would transport him to exile, Nixon turned, smiled broadly, and gave the victory sign with outstretched arms.  Many have interpreted the pose as a gesture of defiance; others have chalked it up to an unhinged ego incapable of discerning appropriate from inappropriate behavior.

It turns out it was neither.  Film historians have confirmed that the pose was a prank, a clever recreation to the last detail of a scene in a 1944 Three Stooges short, Three Slaphappy Sleuths, where Moe Howard was preparing to poke the other stooges, Larry Fine and Jerome “Curly” Howard, in the eyes as he was deboarding a helicopter.

The late president’s son-in-law David Eisenhower confirmed the historians’ find.  “Mr. Nixon always wanted to do ‘the Moe pose,’ as he called it.  He knew this would be his last chance, so he told me, ’David, I’m going to do it.’  It took about an hour to position the extras in the foreground.  He got every detail right, except he couldn’t stop laughing, hence, the broad grin on his face.”

Aug 9

GOP Shocked by Discovery of Long Lost Document

ReaganKenya

Jul 30

From the Carbolic Archives, July 3, 1776: “Rejoice, For We Shall Always Be Englishmen!”

Editorial by the Hon. Josiah Peckham, Editor:

Last month, Richard Henry Lee, a delegate to the Second Continental Congress from Virginia, proposed a resolution that, if passed, would dissolve the colonies’ ties with their motherland.

Readers of this publication know my feelings about this resolution and its sponsor so I will not repeat them here. The resolution is a cesspool, an open sewer, a pit of putrefaction, a treasonous, slimy gathering of all that is rotten in the debris of human depravity. And in the center of all this waste and stench, besmearing himself with its foulest defilement, splashes, leaps, cavorts and wallows a bifurcated specimen, a traitor that responds to the name of Richard Henry Lee.

Fortunately, I have just come from Philadelphia where I’ve conferred with the members of the Second Continental Congress and have learned beyond all doubt that this Lee Resolution is as dead as a doornail, and you heard it here first. My dear friend John Adams gave me a scoop to publish in this newspaper by assuring me that although a committee has been formed supposedly to draft a declaration of independence, it is a sham, concocted to satisfy the advocates of independence without any intention of acting on it.  Mr. Adams said I should publish this useful information and receive all appropriate accolades for it.  I thanked Mr. Adams for this, and for putting behind us that little incident from last November involving me and Abigail when I found myself in Boston (not to repeat ourself, but it was cold, and I had nowhere else to sleep . . . ). I am glad Mr. Adams is not vindictive.

No, dear readers, one-hundred, nay, two-hundred years from now and beyond, the misguided devotees of independence will have been long forgotten, and we shall rejoice, as we now rejoice, that we are Englishmen!

Jul 3

Five Years After Ronald Reagan’s Death, We Reprint Some of the Moving Tributes Paid to Him That day

reagan20photo“I was impressed with him from our first meeting — he was so intimidating he made my head break out in a rash.” — Mikhail Gorbachev

“Some have misconstrued our relationship as having been marked by animosity. It is difficult to fathom where such notions originated. I have always had the utmost respect for President Reagan, and I am grateful that the attempt to end his life in which I played some role was ultimately unsuccessful.” – John Hinkley

“After he was shot, I told the press that when they wheeled him into the hospital the President said, ‘Honey, I forgot to duck.’  I must now confess that this wasn’t totally accurate.  He really said, ‘Honey, I think I am a duck.’” — Dr. Francis Fitzgerald, treating physician following the assassination attempt on President Reagan in March 1981

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Jun 5

“Curse of Titanic” Claims Last Survivor; Millvina Dean Dies at 97, of Natural Causes

titanic5LONDON – Millvina Dean,the last survivor from the sinking of the Titanic in 1912, has died in England at age 97. 

Sir Osmond Swayne, Titanic historian, explained that the death of Ms. Dean a year after the death by natural causes of Titanic survivor Barbara West Dainton, 96, and just two years after the death by natural causes of Titanic survivor Lillian Gertrud Asplund, 99,  is “more than just an astounding coincidence.”

“What are the odds that three women in their late 90s just happen to die within three years of each other? And does it not strain credulity that all three supposedly died of ‘natural causes’ connected with old age?  No, there is only one possible explanation: the Curse of the Titanic,” he explained.

Sir Osmond explained that the “Curse of the Titanic” has been taking lives of persons on the ship’s last voyage since 1912. “The curse actually started with the sinking, because many lives were lost that night by drowning.”  He added that “no one who was on that boat that night is safe, trust me.”

Jun 1

Nurse From Times Square War Photo Reunites With Navy, Shags 19 Midshipman

ANNAPOLIS – Ninety-year-old retired nurse Edith Swayne was honored at the U.S. Naval Academy yesterday by an assembly of midshipmen after it was announced that she was the woman kissed by a sailor in Alfred Eisnenstaedt’s iconic 1945 photograph of a V-J Day celebration in Times Square.

Mrs. Swayne then invited all of the midshipmen to her hotel room “two at a time” so that “we can reminisce about that iconic 1945 photograph, and I can show you my stern and you show me your bows.”

She revealed that she and Alfred Eisnenstaedt, the photographer who captured the famous kiss in Times Square, ”once had a thing,” but that “I dumped him, right there in Times Square, for that lovely sailor man in the picture. Alfred’s dinghy just couldn’t measure up to that hunk’s nuclear-powered submarine.”

May 26

Cheney: I Went Back In Time To Warn Americans About Pearl Harbor

cheneyWASHINGTON – Former Vice-President Dick Cheney said he went back in time to warn Americans about the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, but his advice was not followed.

Mr. Cheney revealed details of his time-traveling mission on FOX News Sunday. He told moderator Shepard Smith that his access to a wormhole in the time-space continuum compelled him to try and reverse the course of history and prevent the loss of American lives and property.

“I knew that President Roosevelt’s policies were putting Americans at risk. I thought I could stop the dastardly sneak attack on our Pacific fleet. But no one would listen.”

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May 20

Last Titanic Survivor Returns Leonardo DiCaprio’s Donation, Asks for “Mattress Mambo” With Jack Dawson Instead

res11SOUTHAMPTON, England - Millvini Dean, 97, the last survivor of the Titanic, the infamous ship that sank on its maiden voyage in 1912, returned a $30,000 donation from Leonardo DiCaprio, the star of the film Titanic, that was intended to help pay her nursing home bills. 

Ms. Dean instead requested sex with Jack Dawson, the fictional character DiCaprio played in the film. 

“I want to get naked for Jack, like that little floozy Rose did in the film,” Ms. Dean said.  “Did you know that Jack is an incredible artist?  I want Jack to use his incredible artistry to draw my supple breasts.”  Ms. Dean then picked up a banana from her lunch tray.  “Then I’ll take caress Jack’s pulsating member in a way that Rose never could.”

Mr. DiCaprio declined to comment.

May 14

Time Machine Inventor Returns to Titanic to Save Men and Children First

attachment_three_titanicTo commemorate the anniversary of the April 15, 1912 sinking of Titanic, time-machine inventor Dr. Charles Blatchford has issued a call to feminist scholars and Women’s Studies professors to return to the ship’s deck on that fateful night and help him reverse the blatant sexism that saved “women and children first.”

“Every lifeboat should be comprised of half men and half women,” Dr. Blatchford said. “We need to get some of those women out of the lifeboats so they can die a terrifying and horrible death in the icy Atlantic.  What do you say, ladies? You know, Title IX and all that.”

Thus far, no one has accepted the offer.

Apr 15

TV Highlights: “The Man Who Shot Lincoln,” Starring Burt “Boy Wonder” Ward

man-who-shot-lincolnpbs

Actor’s insistence on playing John Wilkes Booth in “Robin” costume mars documentary

HOLLYWOOD – “The Man Who Shot Lincoln” airing tonight, the anniversary of the assassination of America’s 16th President, is a gritty and shockingly realistic portrayal of the events leading up the April 14, 1865 killing of President Abraham Lincoln by John Wilkes Booth, a well-known and flamboyant actor of his day.

The documentary marks the return to prime time television of Burt Ward as Booth. Ward is best known for portraying “Robin, the Boy Wonder,” opposite Adam West in the 1960’s camp TV classic, Batman.

Ward insisted on playing Booth in his old “Robin” costume, and the results are mixed. At first the colorful costume proves somewhat of a distraction, but Ward’s performance is so sure of itself and his screen presence so commanding that ultimately it doesn’t matter.

Ward’s old mannerisms are still there, and they still work like a charm, from the quick-tempered habit of punching his fist into his other hand, to even blurting out “Holy states’ rights!” at one point.

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Apr 14

OxiClean Seeks Lincoln’s Pillowcase for Testing

dsc02307-800PHILADELPHIA – One hundred and forty-four years ago, Abraham Lincoln’s night at the theatre was interrupted when John Wilkes Booth slipped into the president’s private box at Ford’s Theater and shot him.  Lincoln died the next morning, and the bloody pillowcase from his deathbed is being sought for product testing by OxiClean to solve a mystery.

Can the “miracle cleanser” remove a stain from 1865?

“Dried blood and brain matter from the mid-19th century would be the ultimate test for our product,” explained Noah Swayne, President of Church & Dwight, maker of OxiClean.

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Apr 14

Abraham Zapruder’s Secretary Mans Zapruder’s Old Perch in Dealey Plaza Every Day, Waiting to Film Trouble on Elm Street

sitzmanDALLAS – Marilyn Sitzman, receptionist for clothing manufacturer Jennifer Juniors, Inc., carries on the work of her late boss, Abraham Zapruder, by coming to Dealey Plaza every day to stand atop the westernmost concrete pedestal connected to the Plaza’s pergola. All day long she aims her camera on Elm Street, ”just waiting to film trouble.”

Ms. Sitzman was standing directly behind Mr. Zapruder on the same pedestal on November 22, 1963 when he caputred the assassination of President John F. Kennedy on film in arguably the most famous home movie ever shot. Zapruder was paid $150,000 for the film’s rights.  

“After that, Mr. Zapruder always said, ‘Marilyn, you never know when some international tragedy is going to strike on Elm Street,’” she recalled.

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Apr 8

Discovery: New Photo of Lincoln Exposing Self

lincolnexposingselfWASHINGTON – A collector believes a photograph from a private album of Civil War Gen. Ulysses S. Grant shows President Abraham Lincoln exposing himself in front of the White House, and could be the last image taken of him before he was assassinated in 1865.

If it is indeed Lincoln, it would be the only known photo of the 16th president exposing himself.

Photo historian Velveeeta Kodak-Swayne was called in to examine the photo and concluded it was Lincoln exposing himself.  She reached this conclusion by reviewing the handwritten inscription on the back: “Lincoln exposing himself in front of the White House.”

“It is a shame that the very last image of our most beloved president is also the most disgusting,” Ms. Kodak-Swayne said. “But after viewing it at considerable length, now I know where they got the name ‘Lincoln Logs.’”

Mar 11

Carbolic Flashback: June 4, 1961: Khrushchev Lectures Kennedy on Dangers of Dance Craze Race

khrushchev4VIENNA – Premier Nikita Khrushchev warned President Kennedy yesterday about the dangers of starting a dance craze race between the two nuclear superpowers.

“If America is the land of a thousand dances, we will be the land of ten thousand dances!” the Soviet leader thundered, as members of his personal staff broke into a spontaneous demonstration of the frug, the jerk, and the monkey. 

Mr. Khruschev added that scores of top Soviet choreagraphical scientists were working round the clock at a secret studio  deep within the Ural mountains creating a dance that will be bigger than “the twist.”

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Feb 23

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