JFK’s Killer Revealed

Digital image specialists finally decode long-thought-doctored photo, discover real face hidden beneath Lee Harvey Oswald’s; Kennedy Family declines comment; Harry Whittington declares, “I knew it!” 

Sep 30

Bush: “The Thing I’ll Miss Most About the White House is John-John and Monica Under the Desk in the Oval Office”

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a wistful interview, President Bush pondered what his life will be like after he leaves Washington.  “The thing I’ll miss most is seeing John-John and Mon-Mon [Monica Lewinsky] under the desk in the Oval Office,” the President said.

“I can’t tell you how much enjoyment those two have given me,” Bush said.  “Just watching them frolic about the desk, crawling in and out of the front panel, brightened my spirits during some of the darkest moments of our nation’s history.”

Bush tried to convince his wife, Laura, to take the desk, along with John-John and Monica, back to Texas when Bush’s term ends in January.  “She thinks we’re too old to take care of a rambunctious little boy like John-John,” Bush said.  “Laura didn’t explain why she doesn’t want Monica to come with us.”

Sep 8

House to Issue Formal Apology to African-Americans for Slavery, Jim Crow

Representatives not expected to ask that, in return, African-Americans issue formal thank you to 300,000 dead white Union soldiers

Jul 30

Hundreds of Civil War Reenactors Go AWOL to Protest Lack of Reenactor Medics to Treat Their Make-Believe Wounds

“Too many men are pretending to die needlessly in the fantasy battlefield due to a lack of make-believe reneactor medics.”  John “Beauregard” Graesinger, Confederate Reenactor

Jul 23

Martha Washington’s Long Lost Diary Found

Entry for the night of July 4, 1776: “Today I am proud of America for the first time in my adult life.  Of course, that’s not saying much, because the country is only a few hours old.”

Jul 9

From the Carbolic Archives, July 3, 1776: “Rejoice, For We Shall Always Be Englishmen!”

Editorial by the Hon. Josiah Peckham, Editor:

Last month, Richard Henry Lee, a delegate to the Second Continental Congress from Virginia, proposed a resolution that, if passed, would dissolve the colonies’ ties with their motherland.

Readers of this publication know my feelings about this resolution and its sponsor so I will not repeat them here. The resolution is a cesspool, an open sewer, a pit of putrefaction, a treasonous, slimy gathering of all that is rotten in the debris of human depravity. And in the center of all this waste and stench, besmearing himself with its foulest defilement, splashes, leaps, cavorts and wallows a bifurcated specimen, a traitor that responds to the name of Richard Henry Lee.

Fortunately, I have just come from Philadelphia where I’ve conferred with the members of the Second Continental Congress and have learned beyond all doubt that this Lee Resolution is as dead as a doornail, and you heard it here first. My dear friend John Adams assured me that although a committee has been formed supposedly to draft a declaration of independence, it is a sham, concocted to satisfy the advocates of independence without any intention of acting. Mr. Adams said I should publish this useful information. I thanked Mr. Adams for this, and for putting behind us that little incident from last November between me and Abigail when I found myself in Boston (not to repeat ourself, but it was cold and I had nowhere else to sleep). I am glad Mr. Adams is not vindictive.

Read more

Jul 3

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