Empire State Building Lit Up to Raise Awareness About Blue Balls

Empire State BuildingNEW YORK – The Empire State Building is bathed in blue to raise awareness about blue balls at the start of National Congested Prostate Month.

“October has been set aside to teach our young people about the condition of temporary fluid congestion in the prostate and testicles caused by prolonged sexual arousal, otherwise known as ‘blue balls,’” explained Dr. Noe Gyven Tayke, director of the Hoboken Congested Prostate Institute, formerly known as the Hoboken Blue Balls Institute.  “Blue balls is the most prevalent, not to mention the kinkiest, disease known to afflict men in the northern hemisphere.”

Dr. Tayke headed up a blue ribbon panel that is widely credited with finding alternate cures for the condition: ejaculation or cold shower. 

The annual “Blue Balls Race For The Cure” will be held this Saturday in Central Park, when hundreds of men will dash into port-o-johns with lotion and a Penthouse Magazine to teach young people the most effective way to treat a congested prostate.

Oct 2

Obama Health Plan Will Cover Man-Made Creatures

MadScientist“Anyone here in this country, whether conceived naturally or by a mad scientist, is entitled to coverage,” President Obama told Congress.

Sep 10

GOP Offers Alternative to Obama Health Plan: First Aid Kits in Every Company Cafeteria

Health PlanWASHINGTON – Republicans offered an alternative to President Obama’s plan to expand health care coverage to all Americans. Rep. Charles Boustany of Louisiana explained that unlike the Obama plan, which would require employers to provide coverage, the GOP plan would require every employer with twenty-five or more employees to have a first aid kit in the company cafeteria.

Sen. Judd Gregg, R-N.H., said that the President’s “supposed health care fix is a health care failure and a disaster for the American people.”  The GOP alternative, in contrast, will offer affordable and effective health care for all employees.

“Our plan offers bandages, headache pills and cures for stomach aches,” Judd explained.  “Our plan will render medical treatments more accessible than ever. No more waiting to get in to see your physician. Now, just open the first aid kit and reach for the cure.”

Sep 10

Obama Health Plan Proposes Larger Eye Charts to Eliminate Need for Glasses

OBAMAaaaaGRAND CANYON – President Obama told a town hall meeting that his health care plan will eliminate the need for eyeglasses and contact lenses by requiring physicians to use large print eye charts when giving eye exams.

“We’ve been missing the obvious all along,” the president explained. “When the eye doctor tells you that you need glasses, it’s because the eye chart was too small.

“My plan will double, or even triple, the size of eye charts, so virtually no one will need glasses or contact lenses.”

Next week the president will outline his plan to eliminate hearing aids by jacking up the volume on hearing tests.

Aug 17

White House Says Headquarters for Death Panels To Be Completed By 2010

Death Stara

Aug 14

Carbolic Exclusive Photo: President Obama Convenes First Health Care “Death Panel”

rumsfeld_bush_cheney

Aug 12

Health Care Demonstrators Identified as Lynch Mob Extras From Old “Frankenstein” Films

AngryMobaPHILADELPHIA - Demonstrators against health care reform at a town hall meeting in Philadelphia Sunday were identified as members of Actors Equity who appeared as extras and bit players in several classic Universal Studios ”Frankenstein” films.  The actors typically played members of an angry lynch mob intent on destroying the Frankenstein monster.

“The clubs, the lanterns, the vaguely European costumes, the faux British accents, the man carrying what appeared to be a dead girl – all of it tipped us off that perhaps these aren’t garden variety Pennsylvania constituents coming to voice an opinion about the President’s health care plan,” said Sen. Arlen Specter, R-D-Pa.

The revelation stoked concerns that town hall protests on health care reform are being orchestrated by insurance companies.  One of the protesters, Lionel Atwill, who played Inspector Krogh in “Son of Frankenstein,” took issue with this charge. 

“Now see here,” protested Atwill while cleaning his monacle, “we shan’t tolerate any more of this nonsense about health care reform, and you have my solemn warning as a gentleman that we shall drive it from the village, just as we did the monster.”

Aug 10

Sotomayor’s Broken Latina Ankle To Heal Faster Than A White Male’s Ankle

sotomayroWASHINGTON – Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor broke her ankle Monday morning after stumbling in a New York airport and was treated by physicians at George Washington University upon her arrival in the nation’s capital.

After emerging from the hospital in a cast, Sotomayor read a one-sentence statement for reporters:  ”I am happy to report that because of the richness of my Latina ankle’s experiences, more often than not, it will undergo a faster recovery than the ankle of a white male.”

Right-wing radio talk host Rush Limbaugh said Sotomayor’s statement “unnecessarily politicized her health with yet another racist remark,” but White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs said that Limbaugh “took the statement out of context — again.”  Gibbs added that Mr. Limbaugh’s criticism was unwarranted ”because nowhere, and I mean nowhere, did the statement even allude to white males.”

Jun 9

Swine Flu a Bust, MSNBC Execs Huddle To Pick Next Panic

griffinNEW YORK – MSNBC executives held an emergency meeting to decide America’s next major panic after determining that the swine flu outbreak is not nearly as serious as initially expected. 

Phil Griffin, President of the cable news network, apologized profusely to network brass. “I am, of course, extremely disappointed that despite our efforts to foment swine flu hysteria and boost ratings, the disease just didn’t cooperate, and it now looks like there will only be several hundred deaths from it.” 

“Swine flu is my Y2K,” Griffin admitted candidly, a reference to the millenium computer bug that was expected to cause global disrputions at the start of 2000 but didn’t. 

Griffin glumly noted that the network likely won’t resort to hysteria about the economy to substitute for the swine flu. “When we tried that last September to help elect President Obama, it backfired and set off a world-wide recession.” Griffin chuckled: “We really goofed on that one.”

May 7

New Fall Flu Masks Hit Big Apple Runways

swine-flu2NEW YORK – The world’s leading designers convened in Manhattan yesterday to unveil an exciting new line of Flu Masks for the fall Pandemic Season that will keep women in high style even as they battle the effects of debilitating influenza.

Representatives of Burberry, Juicy Couture, Neiman Marcus and Nordstroms, among others, crowded the runways to get a first glimpse of the masks that will be flying out of their stores in a matter of months.

Audible gasps filled the room when supermodel Heidi Klum strutted between the klieg lights wearing a diamond-encrusted flu mask that retails for over four hundred thousand dollars.

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May 7

Arnold Ziffle Begs For His Life

arnold1HOOTERVILLE – Arnold Ziffle, precocious porcine progeny of Fred and Doris Ziffle, denied any responsibility yesterday for the outbreak of swine flu that is sweeping the nation and begged authorities not to slaughter him.

“I am not now, nor have I ever been, a viral-carrying member of the pig family,” said Mr. Ziffle. “I will gladly provide you with the names of over a hundred of my pig relatives who I suspect may bear some responsibility for this pandemic. I ask you to kill them instead.”

Mr. Ziffle made his remarks to a crowd of over thirty townsfolk who had gathered in front of his Hooterville hovel armed with shotguns and pistols with the intent to dispatch him to Hog Heaven.

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May 4

Due to Swine Flu, Joe Biden Calls For Evacuation of All Confined Areas, Including Think Tanks

think-tank1To capture proper tone of pandemic hysteria, VP dons Chicken Little costume, recites from Book of Revelations

May 1

Beloved Vigilante, The Shadow, Stricken With Swine Flu

theshadowfluAsked by reporters where the famous crime-fighter might have contracted the virus, CDC Acting Director Richard Besser shrugged and replied, “Only he knows.” 


May 1

Twine Flu Claims its First Victim

twineflu

Apr 29

When Lucid, Jamie Foxx Regrets the Lobotomy He Underwent to Play Nathaniel Anthony Ayers in “The Soloist”

jamie_foxx_soloistHOLLYWOOD – In one of the rare instances when actor Jamie Foxx, star of “The Soloist,” temporarily regains lucidity, he concedes that the lobotomy he underwent to simulate the schizophrenia of the character he portrayed in the film, Nathaniel Anthony Ayers, “probably was a mistake.”

The procedure left Foxx delusional and causes him to experience frequent fits of unintelligible babbling. 

Many film actors have gone to great lengths to become the character they are portraying, whether it be putting on excessive weight, as Robert DeNiro did to play Al Capone in “The Untouchables,” or taking off excessive weight, as Christian Bale did to star in “The Machinist.”  But until Foxx, none has ever had the connections to and from his prefrontal cortex cut for his craft.

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Apr 28

Bombshell: Justice Department “Torture Memos” Reveal Waterboarding Effective in Treating Swine Flu

waterboardingObama Administration “doesn’t know what the hell to do” with this news

Apr 28

Local Man Blames Alcoholism on Obama Drinking Game

0PITTSBURGH – Noah Swayne, 30, blames President Barack Obama for his alcoholism. 

Swayne says that he and his buddies play a game in which they each take a shot of Jack Daniels every time the President says the word “look.” During Tuesday night’s press conference, Mr. Obama said the word “look” 1,312 times.

Mr. Swayne, who has entered an alcohol rehabilitation program, fared better than his friend Bradleys Roadhouse, 28, who succumbed to alcohol poisoning halfway through the press event.

Mar 26

Sonny Cured! Doctors Say Ritalin Breaks Bird of Cuckoo Craving for Cocoa Puffs

sonny_cocoapuffs1NEW BEDLAM - In a stunning medical breakthrough sure to send shock waves  through the world of advertising and ornithology, doctors announced yesterday that Sonny, the Cocoa Puffs Bird, has been cured of his cereal-induced hysteria.

The solution? None other than Ritalin, the magic drug used to treat hyperactive children around the world.

“It appears Sonny suffers from what experts call ADD. And the sight of that delicious sugary chocolate breakfast food triggers something in his bird brain that causes him to react in a spastic, violent, seizure. But now that we’ve given him the Ritalin, those days are over.” So said Hyperactive Children and Fowl Specialist Dr. Andre von Erdna.

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Mar 19

Nancy Pelosi’s Ear Suddenly Breaks Out Into 8,570 Ear Marks

ear-marks

Mar 18

Global Outbreak of Hoof-and-Mouth Disease Traced to Blarney Stone

blarney_stoneCORK - Scientists at the Center for Global Virus Research have traced the world-wide explosion of hoof and mouth disease to the Blarney Stone. The news comes in the middle of a profitable tourist season, and threatens to cost Ireland millions of dollars in lost revenue.

“Sure it’s a bad break, yeh,” said Minister of Blarney Michael “Big Mike” McGee. “I s’pose we’ll have ta shake folks down some other way.”

Mr. McGee said a crack team of Irish ethnologists, businessmen and writers were hard at work concocting a suitable replacement-myth they hope to make public in time to separate gullible pilgrims from their money.

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Mar 17

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