“Many of you in this room know me. Many of you in this room have worked for me. Many of you in this room have slept with me. I want to say to each of you, simply and directly: I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior.”

Mr. Hefner went on to say he has been battling sex addiction for nearly eight decades.

“I realize now I’m not going to be able to beat this thing on my own.”

He added that he hoped going public with his illness would give other global pornographers the necessary courage to seek help for their common affliction.

“I want my hedonistic brethren to enjoy the same peace of mind I’m feeling right now. Really, you don’t know what its like to experience the nightmare of spending every day of your life fornicating with a beautiful woman, or fornicating with several beautiful women, or fornicating with multiple beautiful women.  Thank God I realized there is more to life than having sex. And, as my doctors have told me, this compulsion to fornicate isn’t my fault. You see, this is a disease.”

Mr. Hefner declined to divulge the name of the clinic he is entering, but did reveal that upon his release he would be entering a monastery.

“This is a big f***ing deal,” said a beaming Vice President Joe Biden when President Obama unveiled a rendering of the new death panel headquarters, modeled after the “Death Star,” the fictional moon-sized super-weapon from the Star Wars films.

The death panels, officially called “end-of-life counselors,” will start exterminating seniors who reside in the state of Florida, “because there are so many down there who travel in clumps, they’re easy to round up,” Biden explained.  By the summer, senior citizens from more than half the states will have been eliminated.

That spells trouble for Pyramid Publishing Company of Cincinnati, the world’s largest publisher of seemingly outdated magazines that are, in fact, brand new. 

Pyramid sells exclusively to physicians waiting rooms.  “It surprises people when we tell them that our magazines are new but that we purposely make them appear to be four to six months old,” said Pyramid’s CEO Benjamin Cardozo. “We intentionally fill them with old news, and we make the covers appear to be worn, sometimes even missing.”

The obvious question is, why do physicians buy magazines that appear to be outdated?  “Patients expect old magazines in waiting rooms. The fact is, any doctor with new magazines is viewed as suspect, maybe even incompetent. So it’s a trust issue.”

Cardozo says that some physicians pay a little more to have Pyramid simulate an address label that appears to have been removed to obscure the address. “This gives the illusion that the doctor cares enough about his or her patients to actually bring magazines from home,” says Cardozo.

Pyramid’s business is booming.  “I can’t print new ‘old’ magazines fast enough,” said Cardozo.  But all that is about to change with the Obama health plan. 

Obama claims, without explanation, that old waiting room room magazines are costing the economy billions of dollars every year. 

As of Friday, any physician carrying magazines in his or her waiting room more than two weeks old would be fined $5,000 per magazine.  The plan will be administered by a Waiting Room Magazine Czar.

For starters, if your creation is currently uninsured, you will have to purchase a policy for it by 2014 or pay a fine.

But not to worry about the fact that your creature was cobbled together from dead body parts: death as a pre-existing condition is no longer a bar to coverage.

Dr. Victor Frankenstein is spearheading a legal action for an exemption from coverage for  man-made creature “because they aren’t human.”  But White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said that Congress has authority under the Commerce Clause to regulate activities relating to both interstate and interspecies commerce.

“What we’re seeing is an epidemic of the sudden, violent, spasmodic audible expiration of breath through women’s noses and mouths,” said Professor Rosecea Swayne of the Women’s Sneeze Foundation.

The Foundation will be passing out green ribbons this weekend.  ”Green is meant to symbolize the color of women’s mucous,” explained Professor Swayne.

OBAMA:  I hoped that we would come here and reason together. And as a reasonable man I’m willing to do whatever’s necessary to find a peaceful solution to these problems. After all, when did I ever refuse an accommodation? All of you know me here. When did I ever refuse — except one time?  And why?  Because I believe this drug business is going to destroy us in the years to come. But I have selfish reasons. My youngest son was forced to leave this country, because of this Sollozzo business. And I have to make arrangements to bring him back here safely, cleared of all these false charges. But I’m a superstitious man and if some unlucky accident should befall him, if he should get shot in the head by a police officer or if he should hang himself in his jail cell or if he’s struck by a bolt of lightning, then I’m going to blame some of the people in this room. And that, I do not forgive. But, that aside, let me say that I swear on the souls of my grandchildren that I will not be the one to break the peace that we have made here today.

“The latest study showing that males have narrowed the gender life expectancy gap is just another manifestation that women and girls are second-class citizens in this society.  The life expectancy gap, by which women live significantly longer than men, disproportionately impacts women and girls.  Nevertheless, the gap should be maintained, and increased, for symbolic reasons.  NOW calls on President Obama to significantly increase funding for diseases that affect women and girls in order to widen the gap to its former high.”

The task force last year reversed decades of previous recommendations by telling women to start receiving mammograms every other year at age 50 instead of annually at 40.  It declared December Breast Cancer Unawareness Month, and will sponsor “The Walk For Something Other Than The Cure” this coming May to raise money “for anything except breast cancer.”