Obama Announces New Strategy To Pass Health Care Reform: “Ramming speed, Nancy!”

 RammingFinal

Mar 16

March is National Women’s Sneeze Awareness Month

indoor_allergiesMarch is National Women’s Sneeze Awareness Month, intended to spread awareness about women’s sneezing.

“What we’re seeing is an epidemic of the sudden, violent, spasmodic audible expiration of breath through women’s noses and mouths,” said Professor Rosecea Swayne of the Women’s Sneeze Foundation.

The Foundation will be passing out green ribbons this weekend.  ”Green is meant to symbolize the color of women’s mucous,” explained Professor Swayne.

Mar 10

Transcript of Obama Health Care Summit

Obama Health Care Overhaul

OBAMA:  I hoped that we would come here and reason together. And as a reasonable man I’m willing to do whatever’s necessary to find a peaceful solution to these problems. After all, when did I ever refuse an accommodation? All of you know me here. When did I ever refuse — except one time?  And why?  Because I believe this drug business is going to destroy us in the years to come. But I have selfish reasons. My youngest son was forced to leave this country, because of this Sollozzo business. And I have to make arrangements to bring him back here safely, cleared of all these false charges. But I’m a superstitious man and if some unlucky accident should befall him, if he should get shot in the head by a police officer or if he should hang himself in his jail cell or if he’s struck by a bolt of lightning, then I’m going to blame some of the people in this room. And that, I do not forgive. But, that aside, let me say that I swear on the souls of my grandchildren that I will not be the one to break the peace that we have made here today.

Feb 26

Cheney’s Medical Team Searching For New Heart For Ex-VP

Frankenstein

Feb 23

Men Narrow Life Expectancy Gap, NOW Cries ‘Misogyny’

local-manWASHINGTON – Terry O’Neill, president of the National Organization for Women, issued a statement on the report of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention showing that men have narrowed the life expectancy gap from a high of 7.8 years in 1979 to 5.1 years.

“The latest study showing that males have narrowed the gender life expectancy gap is just another manifestation that women and girls are second-class citizens in this society.  The life expectancy gap, by which women live significantly longer than men, disproportionately impacts women and girls.  Nevertheless, the gap should be maintained, and increased, for symbolic reasons.  NOW calls on President Obama to significantly increase funding for diseases that affect women and girls in order to widen the gap to its former high.”

Feb 18

Breast Cancer Awareness Nearing Saturation Point, Threatens To Erupt Into Mass Unawareness

breast_cancer_awarenessWASHINGTON – The U.S. Preventive Services Task Force said there is “far too much awareness about breast cancer,” and that ” if there’s any more awareness, there’s likely to be a meltdown resulting in mass unawareness.”

The task force last year reversed decades of previous recommendations by telling women to start receiving mammograms every other year at age 50 instead of annually at 40.  It declared December Breast Cancer Unawareness Month, and will sponsor “The Walk For Something Other Than The Cure” this coming May to raise money “for anything except breast cancer.”

Jan 15

Pelosi Defends Use of Cone of Silence for Congressional Health Care Negotiations

COne of Silence“President Obama called for transparency in the negotiations. Well, the Cone of Silence is pretty transparent, don’t you think?” NANCY PELOSI

Jan 8

Task Force Declares December “Breast Cancer Unawareness Month”

breast-cancer-image1WASHINGTON – The U.S. Preventive Services Task Force, which last week reversed decades of previous recommendations by telling women to start receiving mammograms every other year at age 50 instead of annually at 40, today declared December “Breast Cancer Unawareness Month.”

Dr. Bruce N. Calonge, chair of the Task Force, explained: “Women are too uptight about death and disease, so December is the month we want them to chill out, stick their heads in the sand, and don’t worry about breast cancer.”

Dr. Calonge urged women younger than 50 ”to ignore the advice of doctors they trust and who are familiar with their medical histories if they suggest they should have mammograms.”  He slammed his hand on the desk and raised his voice.  “Who are these frauds, and what do they know about genius?  They are not fit to carry my stethoscope.”

He added that the Task Force will sponsor “The Walk For Something Other Than The Cure” next May to raise money “for anything except breast cancer.”

Nov 24

Local Man “Finally Right” After He Gets “Daylight Saving” Hour Back

NEW YORK - Local U.S. letter carrier Noah Swayne says he is “finally right” after daylight savings time ended early yesterday morning and he “got that hour of sleep back.” 

Swayne claims that ever since daylight saving time took effect last spring, he has suffered a continuous stream of ailments, including acute headaches and chronic lethargy.  He admits to being involved in no fewer than 13 vehicular mishaps, and he accidentally chopped off two fingers.  “And I think I’m wanted for a hit-and-run in Idaho or someplace,” Swayne chuckled. 

His defense is ironclad.  “It’s that damn hour I lost.”

Read more

Nov 2

Obama: No Swine Flu Vaccine for Fox News

swine_flu_troubleWASHINGTON – President Obama declared the swine flu outbreak a national emergency and ordered scarce dosages of the vaccine allocated for pregnant women, critical health care and public safety workers, and all major news organizations except Fox News.

“Fox is not a news organization,” said White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel on ”Meet the Press” on Sunday.  ”Fox is the communications arm of the Republican Party, and, therefore, undeserving of any special allocation of swine flu vaccine.  They should have thought about the possibility of getting sick before they decided to attack this administration.”

On “Face the Nation,” Vice President Biden discussed the reasons for the shortage of the swine flu vaccine.  “Most people don’t know that the virus has to be grown in chicken eggs,” Biden explained.  “This raises the question, which came first, the chicken or the swine flu? I often lie awake at night pondering such imponderables.”

Oct 27

Plastic Surgeons Reveal Words They Hear Most Often: “Make Me Look Like Larry Fine”

Larry-picHOLLYWOOD - The American Society of Plastic Surgeons revealed the most common request made to plastic surgeons by both male and female patients: to look like Larry Fine of the Three Stooges.

“Mr. Fine brought incalculable joy to all the peoples of the world,” said Dr. Noah Swayne, president of the Society, ”and I, personally, can’t think of any living or deceased person I would rather be.”

Oct 19

Taliban To Recognize Breast Cancer Awareness Month

breast-cancer-gun-004bPESHAWAR - Mullah Omar, fugitive leader of the Taliban, announced yesterday that his organization will participate in activities across Afghanistan as a part of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

“Breast cancer is a terrible scourge on humanity, nearly as dangerous as Christianity and democracy,” said Mr. Omar. “The Taliban is proud to do our part to raise awareness of this dread disease and to raise funds to find a cure not just during this month, but for as long as it takes.”

Mullah Omar then added that effective immediately, a portion of the proceeds from every opiate sale made by Afghan drug lords would be donated to the Susan G. Komen Cancer Center.

Read more

Oct 16

Pope Hospitalized After Reporting Erection Lasting Longer Than Four Hours

viagraVATICAN CITY - Pope Benedict XVI, Vicar of Christ on Earth and leader of the Roman Catholic Church, was rushed to the hospital yesterday afternoon after enduring an erection that lasted more than four hours, according to a Vatican spokesman.

In an ironic twist, the Pope realized that his erection had broken the two-hundred and forty minute mark while watching a rebroadcast of the Twins-Yankees game on the MLB Network.

“The Holy Father did exactly as he was instructed to do by the anonymous voice providing the disclaimer on the Viagra commercial,” said Father Joseph Dunn, who was watching the game with the Pope. “He called his doctor.”

Read more

Oct 15

Empire State Building Lit Up to Raise Awareness About Blue Balls

Empire State BuildingNEW YORK – The Empire State Building is bathed in blue to raise awareness about blue balls at the start of National Congested Prostate Month.

“October has been set aside to teach our young people about the condition of temporary fluid congestion in the prostate and testicles caused by prolonged sexual arousal, otherwise known as ‘blue balls,’” explained Dr. Noe Gyven Tayke, director of the Hoboken Congested Prostate Institute, formerly known as the Hoboken Blue Balls Institute.  “Blue balls is the most prevalent, not to mention the kinkiest, disease known to afflict men in the northern hemisphere.”

Dr. Tayke headed up a blue ribbon panel that is widely credited with finding alternate cures for the condition: ejaculation or cold shower. 

The annual “Blue Balls Race For The Cure” will be held this Saturday in Central Park, when hundreds of men will dash into port-o-johns with lotion and a Penthouse Magazine to teach young people the most effective way to treat a congested prostate.

Oct 2

Obama Health Plan Will Cover Man-Made Creatures

MadScientist“Anyone here in this country, whether conceived naturally or by a mad scientist, is entitled to coverage,” President Obama told Congress.

Sep 10

GOP Offers Alternative to Obama Health Plan: First Aid Kits in Every Company Cafeteria

Health PlanWASHINGTON – Republicans offered an alternative to President Obama’s plan to expand health care coverage to all Americans. Rep. Charles Boustany of Louisiana explained that unlike the Obama plan, which would require employers to provide coverage, the GOP plan would require every employer with twenty-five or more employees to have a first aid kit in the company cafeteria.

Sen. Judd Gregg, R-N.H., said that the President’s “supposed health care fix is a health care failure and a disaster for the American people.”  The GOP alternative, in contrast, will offer affordable and effective health care for all employees.

“Our plan offers bandages, headache pills and cures for stomach aches,” Judd explained.  “Our plan will render medical treatments more accessible than ever. No more waiting to get in to see your physician. Now, just open the first aid kit and reach for the cure.”

Sep 10

Jerry Lewis Telethon Sets Record: 512 Maudlin Moments

Jerry Lewis and the corpse of Ed McMahon celebrate the new record.

Sep 8

Jerry Lewis Still Doing Telethon – Because No One Has the Heart to Tell Him Muscular Dystrophy Was Cured 15 Years Ago

LAS VEGAS – Comic legend Jerry Lewis, 83, is preparing for this weekend’s 44th annual Labor Day telethon to benefit Muscular Dystrophy — because no one has the heart to tell him the dreaded disease was cured fifteen years ago.

Lewis thinks his annual telethon raises tens of millions of dollars every year for the Muscular Dystrophy Association when, in fact, there are no pledges, no Muscular Dystrophy Association, no efforts to find a cure.  It’s all a charade to make Jerry think he’s doing something good.

“We tried to tell him about the cure back in ‘93, but it didn’t sink in,” said Noah Swayne, Chairman of the defunct Muscular Dystrophy Association.  ”I kept repeating it over and over; I even shook him by the shoulders, but all I got was a blank stare.  The doctors decided never to bring it up again because they thought it might kill him.”  Swayne shakes his head sadly.  “This entire Telethon is a fantasy to make a wonderful man happy.  He thinks he’s helping people, and that’s not so bad, is it?”

Mr. Lewis briefly spoke with reporters.  “Where’s Ed?” Lewis screamed, referring to his late sidekick, Ed McMahon, who died earlier this summer.

Sep 4

Captain Quint Assures Obama He Has Nothing to Worry About in Getting Health Care Plan Passed

Quuint1

Aug 24

Obama Health Plan Proposes Larger Eye Charts to Eliminate Need for Glasses

OBAMAaaaaGRAND CANYON – President Obama told a town hall meeting that his health care plan will eliminate the need for eyeglasses and contact lenses by requiring physicians to use large print eye charts when giving eye exams.

“We’ve been missing the obvious all along,” the president explained. “When the eye doctor tells you that you need glasses, it’s because the eye chart was too small.

“My plan will double, or even triple, the size of eye charts, so virtually no one will need glasses or contact lenses.”

Next week the president will outline his plan to eliminate hearing aids by jacking up the volume on hearing tests.

Aug 17

Next Page →