Blog Archives

Smokers Rush to CVS Before Cigarette Prohibition Begins

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Posted in Health, U.S. News

CSB Tips to Keep Warm this Winter

Facing sub-zero temperatures this week, Americans are being urged to follow these fun and unconventional techniques to keep warm: Set ovens to “Self-clean mode” and keep the door open. Pipes could freeze, keep your hair dyer on high and rest

Posted in Environment, Health, Local News, U.S. News, Weather

Breast Cancer Awareness Nearing Saturation Point, Threatens To Erupt Into Mass Unawareness

WASHINGTON – The U.S. Preventive Services Task Force said that “if there’s any more awareness about breast cancer, there’s going to be a meltdown resulting in mass unawareness.” The task force last year reversed decades of previous recommendations by telling women to start receiving mammograms

Posted in Gender News, Health

Jerry Lewis Telethon Sets Record: 512 Maudlin Moments

Jerry Lewis and the corpse of Ed McMahon celebrate the new record.

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Posted in Entertainment, Extras, Health

Jerry Lewis Still Doing Telethon – Because No One Has the Heart to Tell Him Muscular Dystrophy Was Cured 15 Years Ago

LAS VEGAS – Comic legend Jerry Lewis, 84, finished his annual Labor Day telethon to benefit Muscular Dystrophy — because no one has the heart to tell him the dreaded disease was cured fifteen years ago. Lewis thinks his annual telethon raises

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Posted in Entertainment, Health

Obama Says Goodbye To Martha’s Vineyard, Captain Quint Tells Him To Stay The Course

Posted in Health, Politics, U.S. News

Hugh Hefner Announces That He Is A Sex Addict, Will Seek Treatment At Undisclosed Clinic

BEVERLY HILLS – A tearful Hugh Hefner, founder of the Playboy empire and apostle of the Playboy lifestyle, announced yesterday at a news conference that he is entering a clinic to help him battle the scourge of sex addiction. “Many of

Posted in Entertainment, Health

Death Panels to Start Liquidating Senior Citizens on Saturday

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Obama’s sweeping healthcare overhaul kicks off this weekend as the death panels established by the new law start to liquidate senior citizens deemed too expensive to care for. “This is a big f***ing deal,” said a

Posted in Health, U.S. News

Health Plan’s First Changes Kick In Friday: Old Physicians’ Waiting Room Magazines Outlawed

NEW YORK – The first changes of President Obama’s health plan take effect his week: old-looking doctors’ waiting room magazines will be outlawed.  That spells trouble for Pyramid Publishing Company of Cincinnati, the world’s largest publisher of seemingly outdated magazines that are, in fact, brand new.  Pyramid

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Posted in Health

Mad Scientists Wonder: ‘What Does Health Reform Mean For Me?’

With Congress’s historic passage of health reform Sunday night, a lot of mad scientists are wondering: What does it mean for me? For starters, if your creation is currently uninsured, you will have to purchase a policy for it by 2014 or

Posted in Extras, Health, Science

Obama Announces New Strategy To Pass Health Care Reform: “Ramming speed, Nancy!”


Posted in Health, Politics

March is National Women’s Sneeze Awareness Month

March is National Women’s Sneeze Awareness Month, intended to spread awareness about women’s sneezing. “What we’re seeing is an epidemic of the sudden, violent, spasmodic audible expiration of breath through women’s noses and mouths,” said Professor Rosecea Swayne of the Women’s

Posted in Gender News, Health

Transcript of Obama Health Care Summit

OBAMA:  I hoped that we would come here and reason together. And as a reasonable man I’m willing to do whatever’s necessary to find a peaceful solution to these problems. After all, when did I ever refuse an accommodation? All of

Posted in Health, Politics

Cheney’s Medical Team Searching For New Heart For Ex-VP

Posted in Health

Men Narrow Life Expectancy Gap, NOW Cries ‘Misogyny’

WASHINGTON – Terry O’Neill, president of the National Organization for Women, issued a statement on the report of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention showing that men have narrowed the life expectancy gap from a high of 7.8 years in 1979 to

Posted in Gender News, Health

Pelosi Defends Use of Cone of Silence for Congressional Health Care Negotiations

“President Obama called for transparency in the negotiations. Well, the Cone of Silence is pretty transparent, don’t you think?” NANCY PELOSI

Posted in Health

Task Force Declares December “Breast Cancer Unawareness Month”

WASHINGTON – The U.S. Preventive Services Task Force, which last week reversed decades of previous recommendations by telling women to start receiving mammograms every other year at age 50 instead of annually at 40, today declared December “Breast Cancer Unawareness Month.”

Posted in Health

Local Man “Finally Right” After He Gets “Daylight Saving” Hour Back

NEW YORK – Local U.S. letter carrier Noah Swayne says he is “finally right” after daylight savings time ended early yesterday morning and he “got that hour of sleep back.”  Swayne claims that ever since daylight saving time took effect last spring, he has suffered a continuous stream of

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Posted in Extras, Health

Obama: No Swine Flu Vaccine for Fox News

WASHINGTON – President Obama declared the swine flu outbreak a national emergency and ordered scarce dosages of the vaccine allocated for pregnant women, critical health care and public safety workers, and all major news organizations except Fox News. “Fox is not a news

Posted in Health

Plastic Surgeons Reveal Words They Hear Most Often: “Make Me Look Like Larry Fine”

HOLLYWOOD – The American Society of Plastic Surgeons revealed the most common request made to plastic surgeons by both male and female patients: to look like Larry Fine of the Three Stooges. “Mr. Fine brought incalculable joy to all the peoples of

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Posted in Health
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How Carbolic started an urban legend.

The Carbolic Book Award

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