The task force last year reversed decades of previous recommendations by telling women to start receiving mammograms every other year at age 50 instead of annually at 40. It declared December Breast Cancer Unawareness Month, and will sponsor “The Walk For Something Other Than The Cure” this coming May to raise money for anything except breast cancer.
Jerry Lewis and the corpse of Ed McMahon celebrate the new record.
Jerry Lewis Still Doing Telethon – Because No One Has the Heart to Tell Him Muscular Dystrophy Was Cured 15 Years Ago
LAS VEGAS – Comic legend Jerry Lewis, 84, finished his annual Labor Day telethon to benefit Muscular Dystrophy — because no one has the heart to tell him the dreaded disease was cured fifteen years ago.
Lewis thinks his annual telethon raises tens of millions of dollars every year for the Muscular Dystrophy Association when, in fact, there are no pledges, no Muscular Dystrophy Association, no efforts to find a cure. It’s all a charade to make Jerry think he’s doing something good.
“We tried to tell him about the cure back in ’93, but it didn’t sink in,” said Noah Swayne, Chairman of the defunct Muscular Dystrophy Association. ”I kept repeating it over and over; I even shook him by the shoulders, but all I got was a blank stare. The doctors decided never to bring it up again because they thought it might kill him.” Swayne shakes his head sadly. “This entire Telethon is a fantasy to make a wonderful man happy. He thinks he’s helping people, and that’s not so bad, is it?”
Mr. Lewis briefly spoke with reporters. “Where’s Ed?” Lewis screamed, referring to his late sidekick, Ed McMahon, who died last year.
BEVERLY HILLS - A tearful Hugh Hefner, founder of the Playboy empire and apostle of the Playboy lifestyle, announced yesterday at a news conference that he is entering a clinic to help him battle the scourge of sex addiction.
“Many of you in this room know me. Many of you in this room have worked for me. Many of you in this room have slept with me. I want to say to each of you, simply and directly: I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior.”
Mr. Hefner went on to say he has been battling sex addiction for nearly eight decades.
“I realize now I’m not going to be able to beat this thing on my own.”
He added that he hoped going public with his illness would give other global pornographers the necessary courage to seek help for their common affliction.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Obama’s sweeping healthcare overhaul kicks off this weekend as the death panels established by the new law start to liquidate senior citizens deemed too expensive to care for.
“This is a big f***ing deal,” said a beaming Vice President Joe Biden when President Obama unveiled a rendering of the new death panel headquarters, modeled after the “Death Star,” the fictional moon-sized super-weapon from the Star Wars films.
The death panels, officially called “end-of-life counselors,” will start exterminating seniors who reside in the state of Florida, “because there are so many down there who travel in clumps, they’re easy to round up,” Biden explained. By the summer, senior citizens from more than half the states will have been eliminated.
NEW YORK – The first changes of President Obama’s health plan take effect his week: old-looking doctors’ waiting room magazines will be outlawed.
That spells trouble for Pyramid Publishing Company of Cincinnati, the world’s largest publisher of seemingly outdated magazines that are, in fact, brand new.
Pyramid sells exclusively to physicians waiting rooms. “It surprises people when we tell them that our magazines are new but that we purposely make them appear to be four to six months old,” said Pyramid’s CEO Benjamin Cardozo. “We intentionally fill them with old news, and we make the covers appear to be worn, sometimes even missing.”
The obvious question is, why do physicians buy magazines that appear to be outdated? “Patients expect old magazines in waiting rooms. The fact is, any doctor with new magazines is viewed as suspect, maybe even incompetent. So it’s a trust issue.”
With Congress’s historic passage of health reform Sunday night, a lot of mad scientists are wondering: What does it mean for me?
For starters, if your creation is currently uninsured, you will have to purchase a policy for it by 2014 or pay a fine.
But not to worry about the fact that your creature was cobbled together from dead body parts: death as a pre-existing condition is no longer a bar to coverage.
Dr. Victor Frankenstein is spearheading a legal action for an exemption from coverage for man-made creature “because they aren’t human.” But White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said that Congress has authority under the Commerce Clause to regulate activities relating to both interstate and interspecies commerce.
March is National Women’s Sneeze Awareness Month, intended to spread awareness about women’s sneezing.
“What we’re seeing is an epidemic of the sudden, violent, spasmodic audible expiration of breath through women’s noses and mouths,” said Professor Rosecea Swayne of the Women’s Sneeze Foundation.
The Foundation will be passing out green ribbons this weekend. ”Green is meant to symbolize the color of women’s mucous,” explained Professor Swayne.
OBAMA: I hoped that we would come here and reason together. And as a reasonable man I’m willing to do whatever’s necessary to find a peaceful solution to these problems. After all, when did I ever refuse an accommodation? All of you know me here. When did I ever refuse — except one time? And why? Because I believe this drug business is going to destroy us in the years to come. But I have selfish reasons. My youngest son was forced to leave this country, because of this Sollozzo business. And I have to make arrangements to bring him back here safely, cleared of all these false charges. But I’m a superstitious man and if some unlucky accident should befall him, if he should get shot in the head by a police officer or if he should hang himself in his jail cell or if he’s struck by a bolt of lightning, then I’m going to blame some of the people in this room. And that, I do not forgive. But, that aside, let me say that I swear on the souls of my grandchildren that I will not be the one to break the peace that we have made here today.
WASHINGTON – Terry O’Neill, president of the National Organization for Women, issued a statement on the report of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention showing that men have narrowed the life expectancy gap from a high of 7.8 years in 1979 to 5.1 years.
“The latest study showing that males have narrowed the gender life expectancy gap is just another manifestation that women and girls are second-class citizens in this society. The life expectancy gap, by which women live significantly longer than men, disproportionately impacts women and girls. Nevertheless, the gap should be maintained, and increased, for symbolic reasons. NOW calls on President Obama to significantly increase funding for diseases that affect women and girls in order to widen the gap to its former high.”
WASHINGTON – The U.S. Preventive Services Task Force, which last week reversed decades of previous recommendations by telling women to start receiving mammograms every other year at age 50 instead of annually at 40, today declared December “Breast Cancer Unawareness Month.”
Dr. Bruce N. Calonge, chair of the Task Force, explained: “Women are too uptight about death and disease, so December is the month we want them to chill out, stick their heads in the sand, and don’t worry about breast cancer.”
Dr. Calonge urged women younger than 50 ”to ignore the advice of doctors they trust and who are familiar with their medical histories if they suggest they should have mammograms.” He slammed his hand on the desk and raised his voice. “Who are these frauds, and what do they know about genius? They are not fit to carry my stethoscope.”
He added that the Task Force will sponsor “The Walk For Something Other Than The Cure” next May to raise money “for anything except breast cancer.”
Swayne claims that ever since daylight saving time took effect last spring, he has suffered a continuous stream of ailments, including acute headaches and chronic lethargy. He admits to being involved in no fewer than 13 vehicular mishaps, and he accidentally chopped off two fingers. “And I think I’m wanted for a hit-and-run in Idaho or someplace,” Swayne chuckled.
His defense is ironclad. “It’s that damn hour I lost.”
WASHINGTON – President Obama declared the swine flu outbreak a national emergency and ordered scarce dosages of the vaccine allocated for pregnant women, critical health care and public safety workers, and all major news organizations except Fox News.
“Fox is not a news organization,” said White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel on ”Meet the Press” on Sunday. ”Fox is the communications arm of the Republican Party, and, therefore, undeserving of any special allocation of swine flu vaccine. They should have thought about the possibility of getting sick before they decided to attack this administration.”
On “Face the Nation,” Vice President Biden discussed the reasons for the shortage of the swine flu vaccine. “Most people don’t know that the virus has to be grown in chicken eggs,” Biden explained. “This raises the question, which came first, the chicken or the swine flu? I often lie awake at night pondering such imponderables.”
HOLLYWOOD - The American Society of Plastic Surgeons revealed the most common request made to plastic surgeons by both male and female patients: to look like Larry Fine of the Three Stooges.
“Mr. Fine brought incalculable joy to all the peoples of the world,” said Dr. Noah Swayne, president of the Society, ”and I, personally, can’t think of any living or deceased person I would rather be.”
PESHAWAR - Mullah Omar, fugitive leader of the Taliban, announced yesterday that his organization will participate in activities across Afghanistan as a part of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
“Breast cancer is a terrible scourge on humanity, nearly as dangerous as Christianity and democracy,” said Mr. Omar. “The Taliban is proud to do our part to raise awareness of this dread disease and to raise funds to find a cure not just during this month, but for as long as it takes.”
Mullah Omar then added that effective immediately, a portion of the proceeds from every opiate sale made by Afghan drug lords would be donated to the Susan G. Komen Cancer Center.
VATICAN CITY - Pope Benedict XVI, Vicar of Christ on Earth and leader of the Roman Catholic Church, was rushed to the hospital yesterday afternoon after enduring an erection that lasted more than four hours, according to a Vatican spokesman.
In an ironic twist, the Pope realized that his erection had broken the two-hundred and forty minute mark while watching a rebroadcast of the Twins-Yankees game on the MLB Network.
“The Holy Father did exactly as he was instructed to do by the anonymous voice providing the disclaimer on the Viagra commercial,” said Father Joseph Dunn, who was watching the game with the Pope. “He called his doctor.”