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Recent News Items
- Obama Admits He’s Pals With William Ayers, Vows to Have Ex-Terrorist Serve America by Bombing Wall Street
- Hecklers Call For Palin to Iron Their Shirts - And She Does It
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- Underdog Scientists Win Nobel Prize for Chemistry, Winners Celebrate With Champagne Baths, Victory Cigars
- CAMPAIGN TRAIL SHOCKER: Obama Announces He’s Dropping Out of Race, Going on Tour With Ann Wilson
- McCain Caught on Video Using Hate Speech to Select a Donut
- AIG Execs Defend Swanky Junket, Say No Bailout Money Used to Pay For Event
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Reports From the Trail
Neurologists call frenetic speed, rhythm of candidates’ delivery “greatest televised threat” to public health since Wang Chung’s “Everybody Have Fun Tonight” video
Reclusive candy magnate Willy Wonka acknowledges some of company’s Oompa Loompas “may have been rescued from Hunan Province”
“In all of our clinical trials,” said FDA Commissioner Andrew von Eschenbach, “the drug has never once enabled a man and a woman to get it on while sitting in separate bathtubs.”
ST. PAUL - Republican Vice Presidential nominee and Alaska Governor Sarah Palin was treated for heat prostration last night after she collapsed on her way back to her hotel at the conclusion of the Republican National Convention. The temperature was officially recorded at 74 degrees.
Governor Palin’s hospitalization marked the fifth time she was overcome by the heat in the continental United States since John McCain tapped her to serve as his running mate last Friday.
“I don’t know you people stand this hellfire,” Governor Palin moaned as she was lifted into an ambulance. Some aides held ice bags to her head while others fanned her. “I’m burning up! Can somebody please, please rub snow on my forehead?” she cried.
Senator McCain, who hails from Phoenix, Arizona, was seen walking outside the convention center wearing an overcoat. McCain said he thinks “the cold air is invigorating.”
LAS VEGAS - Comic legend Jerry Lewis is preparing for the 43d annual Labor Day telethon to benefit Muscular Dystrophy — because no one has the heart to tell him the dreaded disease was cured fifteen years ago.
Lewis thinks his annual telethon raises tens of millions of dollars every year for the Muscular Dystrophy Association when, in fact, there are no pledges, no Muscular Dystrophy Association, no efforts to find a cure. It’s all a charade to make Jerry think he’s doing good.
“We tried to tell him about the cure back in ‘93, but it didn’t sink in,” said Lewis’ Telethon sidekick Ed McMahon. “I kept repeating it over and over; I even shook him by the shoulders, but all I got was a blank stare. The doctors decided never to bring it up again because they thought it might kill him.” McMahon shakes his head sadly. “This entire Telethon is a fantasy to make a wonderful man happy. He thinks he’s helping people, and that’s not so bad, is it?”
LAS VEGAS - Jerry Lewis announced that the proceeds from next weekend’s Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon will be diverted from muscular dystrophy research and be used to bail out Ed McMahon, the perennial Telethon anchor, whose fight to avoid foreclosure on his Beverly Hills mansion has gained world-wide attention.
Some muscular dystrophy patients expressed outrage over the news. “We can’t believe Jerry would abandon us to help a rich friend avoid losing one of his mansions,” said muscular dystrophy patient Noah Swayne, 19.
Mr. Lewis was baffled by the patients’ anger. “I mean, I’ve raised $2 billion for these people – exactly how much money do these MD patients need anyway? Well, I have a message for them: I fully intend to use the same maudlin, sappy tactics I’ve employed for 43 years to tug at America’s heartstrings for MD patients to bring a little sunshine back to Ed’s life.”
Contacted by a reporter for this story, Mr. McMahon just chuckled.
Woodsy Owl Arrested in Tiananmen Square; U.S. Forest Service Spokesbird Roughed Up By Chinese Police
BEIJING - Woodsy Owl, who is attending these Olympics as part of a U.N. sponsored Air Quality Monitoring Group, was taken into custody by Chinese police yesterday after he attempted to distribute pamphlets in Tiananmen Square urging citizens to “give a hoot, don’t pollute.”
Witnesses saw Woodsy standing alone in front of a Chinese army tank that had been summoned by authorities to discourage his activities. When Woodsy refused to move, authorities moved in. After a brief struggle, Woodsy was wing-cuffed and thrown into the back of a police car. His whereabouts at this time are unknown.
Mr. Owl, who has spent his entire life spreading a message of environmental responsibility, expressed his disgust at the dangerous amounts of particulates in the air here to anyone who would listen.
“What the hell is that?” cries Kerri Walsh. “Make it go away!”
PHOENIX - The Obama campaign accused John McCain of making race an issue by having a patch of skin removed from his face as a precaution against melanoma. “It is reprehensible that Senator McCain used this checkup as a backdoor attempt to play on people’s racial prejudices,” said Anita Dunn, a senior Obama aide.
The McCain campaign denied the allegations as “absurd” and issued a statement clarifying the procedure McCain underwent:
“John McCain, the FAIR-SKINNED Senator from Arizona who suffered severe sun damage to his PALE FACE during the 5 1/2 years he spent in Vietnamese prison camps for his fellow Americans, had a small patch of skin removed from his right CAUCASIAN CHEEK yesterday as part of his regular checkups for melanoma, a disease that especially afflicts WHITE PEOPLE, such as Senator John McCain. His skin is now temporarily DISCOLORED in that area, but will return it’s NORMAL, HEALTHY CAUCASIAN COLOR soon.”
DEATH STAR - Darth Vader, Master of the Dark Side, is suffering from the early stages of emphysema. The diagnosis was made by Death Star physician Dr. Lance Boyle.
“Darth has been having trouble breathing for quite some time,” said Dr. Boyle. “It got to the point where he was having trouble climbing a flight of stairs without complaining of shortness of breath. We had him in this morning for a stress test and some blood work. Then we did an MRI, and it confirmed our worst fears. Darth has emphysema.”
Fortunately for Mr. Vader, the Empire’s benefit package provides “top quality” health care, according to a representative of the Empire’s Human Resource Department. “Mr. Vader is only responsible for his $100 deductible,” she explained. “After that, he can submit everything to major medical.”
NEW YORK - Researchers at the University of Hoboken’s Women’s Studies Department have discovered that a twin brother in the uterus hurts his female twin’s quality of life by reducing her fertility and enhancing her chances of contracting fatal diseases.
The three-year study conducted by Prof. Velveeta Swayne-Lugosi concluded that “patriarchy extends even to the uterus,” and that boy twin fetuses ”exert male privilege over their sisters because the misogynistic Western culture in which they were conceived has taught them to believe they are entitled to subjugate females.”
Prof. Swayne-Lugosi said there is also evidence to suggest that one-in-four female fetuses are raped by their male fetus twins by the end of the first trimester, an act for which the males ”need to be held strictly accountable.” The solution, according to Prof. Swayne-Lugosi, is sensitivity training for every male fetus.
Commentary by Psychiatrist Dr. Noah Swayne:
Startling new evidence shows that late actor Heath Ledger, who died last January after overdosing on pills commonly prescribed for depression, anxiety and insomnia, was very happy on the set of his last film, The Dark Night, and thus was not depressed when he died. Specifically, Carbolic Smoke Ball has obtained stunning photographs that show Ledger smiling ear to ear, including this one.
Some might question whether Ledger’s personal hygiene was all that it should have been — the photos suggest he hadn’t washed his green hair in quite some time and that his lipstick was not applied with care. But from a MENTAL HEALTH PERSPECTIVE, the smile shows he was one happy son-of-a-bitch.
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