Men Around the World Protest Dr. Manhattan’s Penis

protestrsLONDON – Men in cities around the world staged massive protests, some of which erupted into violence leaving hundreds of people injured, over the display of Dr. Manhattan’s genorously proportioned penis in Watchmen. 

The men are demanding that the offending appendage be digitally removed from the film.

Some of the protestors carried signs that read: “NO BALD HEADED GIGGLE STICK IS THAT BIG!” and “REAL MEN GET SHRINKAGE” and “GOOD THINGS COME IN SMALL PACKAGES.”

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Mar 9

Baghdad NOW Lauds Female Suicide Bomber For Shattering Glass Ceiling, Glass Windows, Glass Doors

BAGHDAD – The Baghdad chapter of the National Organization for Women paid homage to the female suicide bomber who blew herself up at a shrine in Baghdad yesterday, killing at least 40.  NOW issued a proclamation commending the young woman for ”shattering the glass ceiling and the glass storefont windows, not to mention the glass doors for several blocks.”

NOW bemoaned the fact that when the suicide bomber entered Paradise, she was greeted by only 55 virgins instead of the 72 virgins that typically greet her male counterparts, noting that this disparity reflects the gender wage gap that pays women only 77% of what men make for doing the same work.

Jan 5

Gay Marriage Debate Still Contentious

lesbian-wedding“We need to decide right now which of us gets to be the one who rolls her eyes, acts as if she’s chronically put-upon, and always gets her way — you know, the woman.”

Jan 5

Caroline Kennedy Bemoans Gender Double Standard: “As an Unqualified Female Senator, I’ll Have to Work Twice as Hard as a Qualified Man”

kennedyNEW YORK – Caroline Kennedy bemoaned the persistence of gender double standards when she told reporters today that if she is selected to fill a seat in the U.S. Senate, as an unqualified woman she will have to work twice as hard as a qualified man.

“It’s sad to think that in 2008, there is still a need for unqualified women to prove themselves,” Kennedy said. “Qualified men don’t have that problem. It’s certainly not fair to unqualified women, like me, but it’s the way it is.”

Kennedy also bemoaned the fact that as a U.S. Senator, she would be paid exactly the same as her male colleagues. “That’s not fair either, because as an unqualified woman, I will have to spend far more time on the job than they do.”

Dec 26

Biden: “Shirtless Obama Photos Turned Me Gay!”

biden

Dec 26

Mrs. Murray Watched Her Husband Emerge from the Shower and Declared: “It’s Official: We’re in Recession”

Dec 11

Ford CEO Reduces Salary to One Dollar; Urges all Male CEOs to Do the Same, Female CEOs to Take 77 Cents


 

Dec 3

Dora the Explorer Complains She Was Assigned Only 77 Balloon Handlers While the Male Balloons Were Assigned 100

“And the handlers were able to look up my skirt,” said the popular pants-wearing character.

Dec 1

Feminist Group Protests Use of “Stereotypical Pink” for Breast Cancer Awareness Month

“This is just one more example of an oppressive, patriarchal society perpetuating the tropes that further allow the offensive and hegemonic stereotyping of femininity as pinkness,” said activist Harriet Von Munchausen, who added that “coral, or maybe a light fuschia, would be better” 

Oct 24

Controversy Over Palin’s Costly Clothes Continues

Democratic women say she should campaign in a less expensive wardrobe; Republican men say she should campaign in the nude; everyone else says media outlets should focus on something that matters

Oct 24

25% of U.S. Teen Girls Get Cervical Cancer Vaccine

This is yet more proof, Womens Studies scholars say, that 1 in 4 women will, in their lifetimes, get a prick they don’t want

Oct 13

New Study Warns 1 in 4 Mammals Threatened with Extinction

Not surprisingly, they’re all female

Oct 9

Ex-Teacher Who Took 13-Year-Old to Mexico for Sex Gets Six Year Sentence, Year Off For Good Technique

High school boys up in arms over lack of cases involving molestations by female teachers this semester.

Oct 1

North Carolina’s Commemorative Quarter to Honor Duke Lacrosse False Rape Case

Sep 19

Michelle Wie Begins Frequenting Men’s Rooms, Using Urinals

HONOLULU – Controversial 18-year-old golfer Michelle Wie, whose insistence on playing in men’s PGA tournaments despite consistently poor performances has garnered widespread criticism, is now frequenting men’s rooms and using urinals.

Pro golfer Helen Alfredsson said she “felt sad” for Wie because “she so wants to be a man, but she simply hasn’t the plumbing now, has she?”

Wie’s attempts to urinate from a standing position reportedly have not been successful. “She made quite a mess in there,” said a men’s room attendant at a Honolulu country club who asked not to be named.  

Wie’s urinal experiment has landed her an endorsement deal with Scrubbing Bubbles Toilet Cleaning Gel.

Sep 11

Feminist Group Says Gov. Palin Should “Stay Home and Raise Her Kids”

ST. PAUL – In a statement released just one day after Governor Sarah Palin’s historic acceptance speech as the first-ever female Republican vice-presidential nominee, the National Organization for Women declared Palin’s candidacy “a cynical effort to appeal to feminist voters” and a “slap in the face to real women everywhere.”  

“She may be an intelligent, motivated, highly successful professional woman,” NOW President Kim Gandy said, “but she’s the wrong woman.  She’s a bad woman.  She’s not even half the woman Joe Biden is.”  

Gandy cited Biden’s support for pay equity, his authorship of landmark domestic violence legislation, and his “lovely tribute to his mother” in his own acceptance speech as stark contrasts to Palin, who, according to Gandy, “foolishly believes in carrying all pregnancies to term” and “has consistently put herself and her career ahead of the fight for women’s rights.”

“It would be best for everyone if Sarah Palin would just stay home and raise her kids,” Gandy said.  ”When you have one child with Down syndrome and another with an unwanted pregnancy who won’t even consider the ease and convenience of abortion, you need to be a better mother, not Vice President.”

Sep 5

Female Suicide Bombers Greeted by 55 Virgins Instead of 72; Experts Say Wage Gap to Blame

BAGHDAD – The four female suicide bombers who struck a Shiite pilgrimage in Baghdad yesterday suffered “a rude awakening” when they entered Paradise and were greeted by only 55 male virgins instead of the 72 female virgins that typically greet their male counterparts.

The disparity reflects the gender wage gap that pays women only 77% of what men make for doing the same work, according to a spokeswoman for the Iraqi NOW.

A Sunni official denied that the disparity is attributable to discrimination but said it is due to the fact that on average men kill more civilians and blow up more property per suicide than women.

Jul 29

Male Twin Fetuses Oppress, Subjugate Their Sisters in the Uterus

NEW YORK – Researchers at the University of Hoboken’s Women’s Studies Department have discovered that a twin brother in the uterus hurts his female twin’s quality of life by reducing her fertility and enhancing her chances of contracting fatal diseases.

The three-year study conducted by Prof. Velveeta Swayne-Lugosi concluded that “patriarchy extends even to the uterus,” and that boy twin fetuses ”exert male privilege over their sisters because the misogynistic Western culture in which they were conceived has taught them to believe they are entitled to subjugate females.” 

Prof. Swayne-Lugosi said there is also evidence to suggest that one-in-four female fetuses are raped by their male fetus twins by the end of the first trimester, an act for which the males ”need to be held strictly accountable.”  The solution, according to Prof. Swayne-Lugosi, is sensitivity training for every male fetus. 

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Jul 24

Obama Plan Will Garnish Allowances of Boys 8 and Up to Fund Child Support Obligations They Will Owe As Adults

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Barack Obama, the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, unveiled a sweeping plan that will eradicate “future dead beat dads” by garnishing the allowances and wages of all U.S. boys ages 8 to 17.  The monies will be used to fund child support obligations the boys will incur when, as adults, they divorce and lose custody of their own children. 

Under the plan, every boy will be required to set aside a sum of money based on a sliding scale that will increase each year.  An eight-year-old will be required to pay $200 annually; a seventeen-year-old, $2,500.  Any boy who fails to make the required payment will be jailed for up to one year.

Obama said the plan is the centerpiece of his domestic policy “because I don’t have any sons,” and because it ”will help me win over Clinton supporters.”

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Jul 17

Univ. of Pittsburgh Declares “Diversity Achieved” as Last Male Undergrad Drops Out

PITTSBURGH, PA – University of Pittsburgh Dean of Students Velveeta Lugosi-Smith declared that the school “has finally achieved 100% diversity” following the departure of Edward Johnson, 19, the  college’s last male undergraduate.  The student make-up is now entirely female.

Mr. Johnson explained that he dropped out of college in order to deliver pizzas full-time for his brother-in-law’s pizza shop.  “I can just as easily play video games and surf the Web for porn without paying tuition,” he confided.  Mr. Johnson did not elaborate because, he said, “I’m going to go [masturbate] now.”

Female student residents at Litchfield Towers, Mr. Johnson’s former dormitory, did not welcome the news.  ”The women will miss having Johnson,” said sophomore Carla Vanga.

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Jul 8

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