The task force last year reversed decades of previous recommendations by telling women to start receiving mammograms every other year at age 50 instead of annually at 40.  It declared December Breast Cancer Unawareness Month, and will sponsor “The Walk For Something Other Than The Cure” this coming May to raise money for anything except breast cancer.

Senator Jeff Sessions (R-Alabama), normally a tough inquisitor, was effusive with his praise. “Little lady, if you are as good with case law as you are with a rolling pin, I predict smooth sailing through this Committee.”  The Senator then delivered a ten minute tribute to the delicious, melt-in-your mouth quality of Ms. Kagan’s treats, which he entered into the Congressional Record.

Ms. Kagan attended yesterday’s hearings wearing a broad smile and a flour-covered apron.  She told the Senators she had spent the preceding eight hours in her kitchen hunched over a mixing bowl and a Black’s Law dictionary. 

Senator Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont), Chairman of the Committee, distributed the cookies to his colleagues in order of seniority.

The only discordant note of the morning was provided by Senator Orin Hatch (R-Utah) when he  asked a series of probing questions concerning the amount of butter Ms. Kagan uses in her chocolate chip recipe, but each time the nominee deftly avoided any revealing  answers.  ”I don’t think its appropriate to speculate on issues I may be forced to confront when baking again,” she said.

When President Obama heard about Ms. Kagan’s gesture, he gave a knowing smile and nodded.  “This is exactly the kind of real-life experience the American people deserve from a nominee to the highest court in the land,” he added.  “I wouldn’t be surprised if she brought a couple of pies tomorrow.”

Ms. Mangum, who gained national notoriety by falsely accusing three Duke University lacrosse players of rape, was flown to Pittsburgh where she met Mr. Roethlisberger at a secret location.  There, she reportedly entertained him, without any witnesses, for one-half hour. 

Mr. Roethlisberger admitted that “there was plenty of groping, and I made sure my DNA got all over her.”  Midway through the show, Ms. Mangum reportedly stormed out ”because of something Roethlisberger said.”  

Mr. Roethlisberger said he “trusts totally in Ms. Mangum’s goodwill that she won’t falsely accuse me of rape.”  He added that, because he is a young, famous, wealthy athlete, he will continue to “have a good time with the ladies.”

The exclusive golf club is among the oldest covens of initiated Wiccan priests and priestesses in the Southeast United States.

The three-hour ceremony, presided over by Augusta Chairman Noah Swayne, included the sacrifice of a teenage boy and a young goat to the Pan-God while the wedding couple chanted from the Book of Shadows.

A smiling Palmer said the moment was bittersweet.  “I only wish that my dear friend Dwight D. Eisenhower could be here to join Jack and me in a little ritualised sex magic.”

“What we’re seeing is an epidemic of the sudden, violent, spasmodic audible expiration of breath through women’s noses and mouths,” said Professor Rosecea Swayne of the Women’s Sneeze Foundation.

The Foundation will be passing out green ribbons this weekend.  ”Green is meant to symbolize the color of women’s mucous,” explained Professor Swayne.

Previous studies have found that men are no good in specific areas, including interpersonal relationships, child care, and household chores, but the report released yesterday, “An Examination of the Worth of Men,” is believed to be the first comprehensive study to conclude that men are no good generally.

“The latest study showing that males have narrowed the gender life expectancy gap is just another manifestation that women and girls are second-class citizens in this society.  The life expectancy gap, by which women live significantly longer than men, disproportionately impacts women and girls.  Nevertheless, the gap should be maintained, and increased, for symbolic reasons.  NOW calls on President Obama to significantly increase funding for diseases that affect women and girls in order to widen the gap to its former high.”

The penis rider to the legislation was the brainchild of the late Senator Edward Kennedy, who lobbied for its passage by telephoning Senators who were on the fence up to the day he died. In his honor, the legislation is referred to as “Teddy’s Penis Rider.” 

The legislation allows for penile enhancement surgery for men who are not well endowed, defined by the bill as five inches or less when fully erect.

The Senate vote was split along gender lines, with all the men favoring it, and all the women opposing it.