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Reports From the Trail
Not surprisingly, they’re all female
High school boys up in arms over lack of cases involving molestations by female teachers this semester.
HONOLULU - Controversial 18-year-old golfer Michelle Wie, whose insistence on playing in men’s PGA tournaments despite consistently poor performances has garnered widespread criticism, is now frequenting men’s rooms and using urinals.
Pro golfer Helen Alfredsson said she “felt sad” for Wie because “she so wants to be a man, but she simply hasn’t the plumbing now, has she?”
Wie’s attempts to urinate from a standing position reportedly have not been successful. “She made quite a mess in there,” said a men’s room attendant at a Honolulu country club who asked not to be named.
Wie’s urinal experiment has landed her an endorsement deal with Scrubbing Bubbles Toilet Cleaning Gel.
ST. PAUL - In a statement released just one day after Governor Sarah Palin’s historic acceptance speech as the first-ever female Republican vice-presidential nominee, the National Organization for Women declared Palin’s candidacy “a cynical effort to appeal to feminist voters” and a “slap in the face to real women everywhere.”
“She may be an intelligent, motivated, highly successful professional woman,” NOW President Kim Gandy said, “but she’s the wrong woman. She’s a bad woman. She’s not even half the woman Joe Biden is.”
Gandy cited Biden’s support for pay equity, his authorship of landmark domestic violence legislation, and his “lovely tribute to his mother” in his own acceptance speech as stark contrasts to Palin, who, according to Gandy, “foolishly believes in carrying all pregnancies to term” and “has consistently put herself and her career ahead of the fight for women’s rights.”
“It would be best for everyone if Sarah Palin would just stay home and raise her kids,” Gandy said. ”When you have one child with Down syndrome and another with an unwanted pregnancy who won’t even consider the ease and convenience of abortion, you need to be a better mother, not Vice President.”
BAGHDAD - The Baghdad National Organization for Women paid homage to the female suicide bomber who blew herself up among Shiite pilgrims south of Baghdad yesterday, killing 26. NOW issued a proclamation commending the young woman for ”shattering the glass ceiling and the glass storefont windows, not to mention the glass doors for several blocks. In fact, that bomb pretty much shattered everything.”
NOW bemoaned the fact that when the suicide bomber entered Paradise, she was greeted by only 55 virgins instead of the 72 virgins that typically greet her male counterparts. As previously reported, the disparity reflects the gender wage gap that pays women only 77% of what men make for doing the same work.
Local men protest: “Why do traffic signs always depict the male as the one holding the gun?”
BAGHDAD - The four female suicide bombers who struck a Shiite pilgrimage in Baghdad yesterday suffered “a rude awakening” when they entered Paradise and were greeted by only 55 male virgins instead of the 72 female virgins that typically greet their male counterparts.
The disparity reflects the gender wage gap that pays women only 77% of what men make for doing the same work, according to a spokeswoman for the Iraqi NOW.
A Sunni official denied that the disparity is attributable to discrimination but said it is due to the fact that on average men kill more civilians and blow up more property per suicide than women.
NEW YORK - Researchers at the University of Hoboken’s Women’s Studies Department have discovered that a twin brother in the uterus hurts his female twin’s quality of life by reducing her fertility and enhancing her chances of contracting fatal diseases.
The three-year study conducted by Prof. Velveeta Swayne-Lugosi concluded that “patriarchy extends even to the uterus,” and that boy twin fetuses ”exert male privilege over their sisters because the misogynistic Western culture in which they were conceived has taught them to believe they are entitled to subjugate females.”
Prof. Swayne-Lugosi said there is also evidence to suggest that one-in-four female fetuses are raped by their male fetus twins by the end of the first trimester, an act for which the males ”need to be held strictly accountable.” The solution, according to Prof. Swayne-Lugosi, is sensitivity training for every male fetus.
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Barack Obama, the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, unveiled a sweeping plan that will eradicate “future dead beat dads” by garnishing the allowances and wages of all U.S. boys ages 8 to 17. The monies will be used to fund child support obligations the boys will incur when, as adults, they divorce and lose custody of their own children.
Under the plan, every boy will be required to set aside a sum of money based on a sliding scale that will increase each year. An eight-year-old will be required to pay $200 annually; a seventeen-year-old, $2,500. Any boy who fails to make the required payment will be jailed for up to one year.
Obama said the plan is the centerpiece of his domestic policy “because I don’t have any sons,” and because it ”will help me win over Clinton supporters.”
PITTSBURGH, PA - University of Pittsburgh Dean of Students Velveeta Lugosi-Smith declared that the school “has finally achieved 100% diversity” following the departure of Edward Johnson, 19, the college’s last male undergraduate. The student make-up is now entirely female.
Mr. Johnson explained that he dropped out of college in order to deliver pizzas full-time for his brother-in-law’s pizza shop. “I can just as easily play video games and surf the Web for porn without paying tuition,” he confided. Mr. Johnson did not elaborate because, he said, “I’m going to go [masturbate] now.”
Female student residents at Litchfield Towers, Mr. Johnson’s former dormitory, did not welcome the news. ”The women will miss having Johnson,” said sophomore Carla Vanga.
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