Our Annual “Who’s Gay and Who’s Not in the Rankin/Bass Christmas Specials”

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Dec 15

Breast Cancer Awareness Nearing Saturation Point, Threatens To Erupt Into Mass Unawareness

breast_cancer_awarenessWASHINGTON – The U.S. Preventive Services Task Force said that “if there’s any more awareness about breast cancer, there’s going to be a meltdown resulting in mass unawareness.”

The task force last year reversed decades of previous recommendations by telling women to start receiving mammograms every other year at age 50 instead of annually at 40.  It declared December Breast Cancer Unawareness Month, and will sponsor “The Walk For Something Other Than The Cure” this coming May to raise money for anything except breast cancer.

Oct 12

Kagan Surprises Senate Judiciary Committee With Home Made Cookies

grandma with cookiesWASHINGTON - Elena Kagan, President Obama’s choice to replace retiring Justice John Paul Stevens on the United States Supreme Court, moved one step closer to confirmation yesterday when she surprised the Senate Judiciary Committee with two dozen freshly baked cookies.

Senator Jeff Sessions (R-Alabama), normally a tough inquisitor, was effusive with his praise. “Little lady, if you are as good with case law as you are with a rolling pin, I predict smooth sailing through this Committee.”  The Senator then delivered a ten minute tribute to the delicious, melt-in-your mouth quality of Ms. Kagan’s treats, which he entered into the Congressional Record.

Ms. Kagan attended yesterday’s hearings wearing a broad smile and a flour-covered apron.  She told the Senators she had spent the preceding eight hours in her kitchen hunched over a mixing bowl and a Black’s Law dictionary. 

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Jul 1

Roethlisberger Celebrates Exoneration By Hiring Duke Lacrosse Stripper For Private Show

Big-BenPITTSBURGH – Minutes after it was announced Ben Roethlisberger won’t be charged with sexual assault in connection with a March 5 accusation by a 20-year-old college student, Mr. Roethlisberger declared that he has “learned a lot from my ordeal,” and said that he would celebrate by retaining Duke lacrosse stripper Crystal Gail Mangum for “a private show.” 

Ms. Mangum, who gained national notoriety by falsely accusing three Duke University lacrosse players of rape, was flown to Pittsburgh where she met Mr. Roethlisberger at a secret location.  There, she reportedly entertained him, without any witnesses, for one-half hour. 

Mr. Roethlisberger admitted that “there was plenty of groping, and I made sure my DNA got all over her.”  Midway through the show, Ms. Mangum reportedly stormed out ”because of something Roethlisberger said.”  

Mr. Roethlisberger said he “trusts totally in Ms. Mangum’s goodwill that she won’t falsely accuse me of rape.”  He added that, because he is a young, famous, wealthy athlete, he will continue to “have a good time with the ladies.”

Apr 13

Golf Greats Swap Wiccan Marriage Vows at Augusta

Masters GolfAUGUSTA - Golf legends Jack Nicklaus and Arnold Palmer tied the knot yesterday in a secret Wiccan same-sex marriage ceremony at storied Augusta National Golf Course. 

The exclusive golf club is among the oldest covens of initiated Wiccan priests and priestesses in the Southeast United States.

The three-hour ceremony, presided over by Augusta Chairman Noah Swayne, included the sacrifice of a teenage boy and a young goat to the Pan-God while the wedding couple chanted from the Book of Shadows.

A smiling Palmer said the moment was bittersweet.  “I only wish that my dear friend Dwight D. Eisenhower could be here to join Jack and me in a little ritualised sex magic.”

Apr 9

March is National Women’s Sneeze Awareness Month

indoor_allergiesMarch is National Women’s Sneeze Awareness Month, intended to spread awareness about women’s sneezing.

“What we’re seeing is an epidemic of the sudden, violent, spasmodic audible expiration of breath through women’s noses and mouths,” said Professor Rosecea Swayne of the Women’s Sneeze Foundation.

The Foundation will be passing out green ribbons this weekend.  ”Green is meant to symbolize the color of women’s mucous,” explained Professor Swayne.

Mar 10

Study: Men Are No Good

menarenogoodWASHINGTON - A study commissioned by the National Organization for Women released yesterday concludes that men are no good.

Previous studies have found that men are no good in specific areas, including interpersonal relationships, child care, and household chores, but the report released yesterday, “An Examination of the Worth of Men,” is believed to be the first comprehensive study to conclude that men are no good generally.

Mar 2

Men Narrow Life Expectancy Gap, NOW Cries ‘Misogyny’

local-manWASHINGTON – Terry O’Neill, president of the National Organization for Women, issued a statement on the report of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention showing that men have narrowed the life expectancy gap from a high of 7.8 years in 1979 to 5.1 years.

“The latest study showing that males have narrowed the gender life expectancy gap is just another manifestation that women and girls are second-class citizens in this society.  The life expectancy gap, by which women live significantly longer than men, disproportionately impacts women and girls.  Nevertheless, the gap should be maintained, and increased, for symbolic reasons.  NOW calls on President Obama to significantly increase funding for diseases that affect women and girls in order to widen the gap to its former high.”

Feb 18

Broadway Show Breaks Out in Gay Rights March

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Oct 12

Senate Votes to Extend Jobless Benefits, Penises

penile enhancementWASHINGTON – The Senate approved a bill extending unemployment benefits for 13-weeks, and penises up to three inches.

The penis rider to the legislation was the brainchild of the late Senator Edward Kennedy, who lobbied for its passage by telephoning Senators who were on the fence up to the day he died. In his honor, the legislation is referred to as “Teddy’s Penis Rider.” 

The legislation allows for penile enhancement surgery for men who are not well endowed, defined by the bill as five inches or less when fully erect.

The Senate vote was split along gender lines, with all the men favoring it, and all the women opposing it.

Sep 24

Steelers Coach Calls on Women to Falsely Accuse Running Backs of Rape

tomlinfalserape[1]PITTSBURGH – Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin came under fire from men’s rights groups when he said it is “the civic duty” of the city’s women to falsely accuse the team’s running backs of rape.

Tomlin said he’s counting on false rape accusations to jump-start the Steelers’ moribund running game in much the same way that Andrea McNulty’s rape claim appears to have lit a fire under quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Roethlisberger passed for 363 yards and engineered the 18th comeback victory of his six-year career to defeat the Tennessee Titans last Thursday.

Men’s rights groups condemned Tomlin’s invitation as “barbaric.” NOW president Rosacea Swayne said she would “make a few calls and see what I can do” for the coach.

Sep 14

A Feminist’s Reaction to a Statue of a Fallen Male Soldier

VietnamNursesMemGuest Commentary by Noe Gyven-Tayke - I approach with trepidation the Women’s War Memorial sculpture in Washington, D.C. which depicts three uniformed women with a dying male soldier. 

Will I be angry?  Will I feel abhorrence?  Will I regard it as just another monument to patriarchy?

I slowly walk toward the sculpture and see the noble women depicted.  They are doing what all women have always done, and to no avail.  They are trying to heal the destruction wrought by patriarchy.

And then I see the male.  A 20-year-old injured and dying soldier, defiantly sprawled out, legs open as if flaunting his undeserved male privilege and organ of misogyny.  I am filled with disgust and fall to the ground and vomit. I vomit not for me, but for all women.

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Aug 26

NOW Says One in Four Women are Assaulted by the Wienermobile

Wienermobile WreckRACINE, Wis. – The Milwaukee Chapter of NOW issued a statement condemning the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile’s crash into a private Racine residence as “an all-too common patriarchal incursion on a woman’s right of privacy by a phallic-like instrument.”

NOW’s spokeswoman, Rosacea Swayne, said that one-in-four women are attacked by the Wienermobile during their lifetimes. Asked by a reporter why these incidents are not well-known, Swayne explained: “Underreporting.”  She added:  “The fact that no one is reporting all these assaults with Wienermobiles only underscores how prevalent they are.” 

Swayne refuted the report that, in this instance, the Wienermobile was driven by a woman and the house it crashed into belonged to a man. “It couldn’t have happened that way.  Seriously.  Trust me on that one.”

Oscar Mayer issued a statement noting that the Wienermobile would have slid into the home’s garage without causing any damage to the house if it had been properly lathered with K-Y Jelly, consistent with Oscar Meyer corporate policy.

Jul 19

Presidents Clear Up Photo Controversy

ObamaAssObama: “I was not looking at that girl’s ass.”
Sarkozy: “I was looking at Obama’s ass.”

Jul 13

Outcry Over Redesigned Traffic Sign

Local men protest: “Why do traffic signs always depict the male as the one holding the gun?”

Jul 10

Maureen Dowd Revises Title of Her Bestseller

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May 19

Congress Passes “Right To Know Which Celebrities Are Gay” Legislation

rip-taylorWASHINGTON – The so-called “Right To Know Which Celebrities Are Gay” bill sailed through both the House and Senate today by unanimous vote.

The bill requires anyone working in the entertainment industry to register their sexual orientation on a national database.

The unprecedented speed of passage was historic, and is likely a reflection of the outrage millions of Americans expressed in the last week when actor David Ogden Stiers announced that he was a homosexual.

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May 15

Time Machine Inventor Returns to Titanic to Save Men and Children First

attachment_three_titanicTo commemorate the anniversary of the April 15, 1912 sinking of Titanic, time-machine inventor Dr. Charles Blatchford has issued a call to feminist scholars and Women’s Studies professors to return to the ship’s deck on that fateful night and help him reverse the blatant sexism that saved “women and children first.”

“Every lifeboat should be comprised of half men and half women,” Dr. Blatchford said. “We need to get some of those women out of the lifeboats so they can die a terrifying and horrible death in the icy Atlantic.  What do you say, ladies? You know, Title IX and all that.”

Thus far, no one has accepted the offer.

Apr 15

Company to Replace All Male Employees With Females to Reap Gender Wage Gap Savings

no-men-1PITTSBURGH  – Friday marks the last day of employment for Gulf Oil Company’s  13,000 male employees.  CEO Rosacea Lugosi-Swayne announced two months ago that all of the company’s male employees have received pink slips and will be replaced by females in a move to save the company 23% on labor costs.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there is a 23% median income disparity between males and females in the United States.

“Gulf Oil can no longer afford to subsidize one class of workers with premium pay due solely to their gender,” Ms. Lugosi-Swayne said at the time she axed the men.

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Mar 20

Now on DVD: “Teeth”– A Four-Lipped Man-Eater That Dismembers Members

teethaFilm Review by Carbolic Smoke Ball film critic Lorena Bobbitt

Mitchell Lichtenstein’s Teeth is a rapturous feminist call to bloodlust, a vengeance porno flick with the soul of a grindhouse potboiler, and the greatest male-bashing — or more accurately, male-chomping — feast ever served up by Hollywood.

For those living under a rock or born with a Y chromosome (pretty much the same thing), this is a modern-day retelling of the vagina dentata fable about a high school girl who discovers that her whooha has grown choppers that bite off the tallywacker of any young man foolish enough to abuse her.

Our heroine, brilliantly played by perky-breasted Jess Weixler (who does get naked), is initially terrified of her body but soon realizes her fish factory is a tool for feminine empowerment, the leveler of patriarchy.

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Mar 12

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